From the texts I have sent and long messages, do you think she thinks its done? She didnt reply to my last message.

Hmm...I think maybe Neo is right.

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Ultimatums don't work, they play on fear. This girl knows she's in control of the situation as the poster's actions are completely incongruent with what he's saying. In all likelihood she sees the lack of self-respect and treats him in the same manner he treats himself. He's got to cut the chord for any hope of healing, this is a vicious cycle, and the reason he's feeling "beat up".

You're looking to her to make the decision.

You need to make your own decision to move on.

she cant even give me the decency of replying? She cant even take me serious.

is there another guy

A question we can't answer. Until you learn to shift the focus back onto you, u'll continue to chase your tail.

You're hurt because you want deeply a connection with this person.

"Decency" is an evaluation, you're in your head. We don't know her reasons. Maybe she's dissociating because of the intensity of the situation and is giving herself space, maybe she doesnt know what to say to you and feels exasperated, who knows. She isn't obligated to reply, keep that in mind. You are in charge of taking care of yourself, she needs to do what she feels necessary to take care of herself. Accept things as such.

It might be she'd contacted you out-of-the-blue as a way to connect but you'd wanted to go into problem solving mode immediately and she withdrew again.

Regardless of her intentions, I'd take it as a need for space, and I would respect that by NOT making ANY contact with her whatsoever.

Youre right, 100%, all I do want is that deep connection, I guess its now impossible

She can't give that to you.

Why not???

Nah I wasnt saying ultimatums were good, just that he was giving ultimatums to then run to her when she didnt comply.

OP, I still stand by my first advice to you. TAKE THE ABUSE. I didn't mean that as "tough love" or to be a dick, I sincerly mean it. Your goal is to stay with THIS woman. It's not being happy, or feel respected...its all about THIS woman. Every peice of advice youve gotten here, you've only taken it in the context of how you can save this relationship, not the bigger picture. You care about why you take this "abuse" only for the reason of knowing why SHE abuses you. You barely mention leaving her. You analyze everything, for the sake of being able to withstand the SPAM you get. You're like the guy who comes here for a oneitis, you tell him to improve himself for his own damn self, and he twists that to a scheme to get the oneitis. You tell him find other chicks, it still goes back to him doing that to get the original woman. Leaving this woman is not even an option for you. Youd rather have suicidal thoughts, feel like shit, just so you keep this "prize." You dont want to seek professional help for yourself, so you can leave this woman, you want to seek help for how to cope with this unhealthy relationship. So as I said, and I honestly mean it, if you're never going to leave, learn to hold it so you dont get hit. Be a better bf for her. Dont tell her anything negative. Let her hang up and brush it off. When she hits you, brush that off too.

Is there another guy. Of course. Think she respects you enough not to cheat on you? If you walked in on her fucking your dad, lets be real...you'd still stay with her. And thats no big deal. This is the relationship you want. This is the girl you want, and being with her means putting up with these things. You dont want to be happy, you dont want to be respected, you dont want to have a relationship with sex and love, you want this hot girl who any guy would kill her. So if the girl is the goal here, do whatever it takes to keep her. If I want to be a doctor, that comes with going to med school. So if you want THIS girl, that comes with getting hit, no sex, cheated on, disrespected.

Ask yourself this, what is the thing she can do that would make you walk away? Hitting you? No. Cheating on you, she already is, and even if you caught her, be honest, you'd stay. Killing your mom? You'd prob hide the body for her. What the hell is the line where you end this? There is none. So you never will. So just make the abuse easy on yourself. Same way I'd tell a woman who wanted an abusive man at any cost, you know what, cook him dinner and fuck him well. Make the beatings come less and less, instead of trying to anger the dude and getting blows when you know you aint leaving. Make it easy on yourself instead of pretending to be someone you arent. That just makes it worse on you every time. At least she may see you more if you quiet down a bit.

You're not walking...so stop talking to her like you are.

OP doesn't know what loving one's self looks like, likely a byproduct of the models he grew up around.

The salvation here is that in sitting (and processing) through the heaps of pain, the OP has an opportunity to find himself and GIVE himself the empathy he's looking for externally. Until then he's plagued to FEEL loved only when others accept him, as he's yet to develop the capability to love himself.

It's trivial whether this relationship works on not. If he doesn't he can seek another and the same pattern will endure. It won't be with a partner who is secure with herself because she'll find that chronic validation-seeking to be intolerable, so what happens is it will be with somebody exploitive, who has pain of their own they refuse to face. That's how co-dependency spreads like wildfire if left unchecked.

Op, nobody can give you the solace you're looking for, and that includes us here. The best u'll get is some insight but ultimately you've got to take accountability for your feelings, and in doing so reclaim control and begin to give yourself the compassion and love you deserve. Until then this same pattern is going to perpetuate. Sitting there wondering if she'll come back or not is only symptomatic of how dependent you are on connecting to yourself through others, which never works.

You're feeling lost and scared as you think you're seeing your life raft drift away. In terms of you evolving I see this as a positive thing. You are more resilient than you're giving yourself credit for. Sure your head may dip beneath the surface of the water a few times along the way, but ultimately you're going to learn to tread water on your own and realize that you never needed the life raft to begin with, it was actually impeding you from doing the work needed to move forward on your journey.

Op, this is your quest. We cannot do the work for you, doing so would take your power away, more than what you've already given up. This is for YOU to experience, it is for YOU to wade through the darkness till you start seeing that flint of light, to rise up from the ashes and grow infinitely beyond what you'd believed you were ever capable of.


Know that in spite of the fear, you will survive this. You CAN sit with these negative feelings, give them room, process through them and find deep courage within yourself. That will be your salvation, not looking to her for the answers, that is just a distraction preventing you from doing any meaningful work on yourself.

We spoke on the phone today, where i said this is my last attempt to solve it, that I would come up and we can talk face to face. She then said 'no', and i said what are you out partying tonight (she doesnt drink), she said 'no are you a fucking retard'. Hung up on me.

I messaged her 'i can no longer do this, I am breaking up with you, this is done.'

She replied 'shut up, i can take as much time as i want, what cant you do anymore, wait for me, when I need my time? Dont be annoying and do something helpful'

I didnt reply.. Later on see her friends snap of her out at a party for her sports team... hasnt said a word since

Great. So its done. All the best