It's weird. Last night I was about to spunk out a load to some porn. It had been my 4th day without jacking it, and I saw my cute neighbor earlier and that was all it took I guess... I have this thing in my microsoft works folder called "The Vitality Log." I go as long as I can without masturbating, and then, when I finally spunk, I write down the date. This way, I can keep progress and give myself more of an incentive not to masturbate. I have found that exercising is a lot easier when I havent had a release in a few days, so it definitely helps. However, sleeping is harder when you're horny, especially when you eat right and exercise in conjunction, sooo I don't know yet for sure if it really is all completely worth it yet.

So what does this have to do with my subject question? Well, after I blew my load last night, this powerful surge was sent through my body. Straight to my heart. I know you guys might laugh and think that's kind stupid, but that's really the only way I describe it. Or rather, the feeling that a young kid feels when he finds out that his dog or cat just died. That's what it felt like. I began to say out loud, "Alpha, alpha...Why do I want this so bad?!? Is this really all my life as a biological being is meant for?" "Is this all just for the simple fact that I am an animal, merely looking to secure his place at the top?"

I guess for my whole life I've just been trying to come to terms with the fact that I will always wonder if becoming alpha will really help me become a better person. I say to myself, "Well, someday, I'm gonna die, so I might as well enjoy my life and be happy." But then it always turns into, "If fucking a million girls really wont make me feel happy and find inner peace, then why do it?" Then I wake up the next morning and play a slideshow in my head of all the girls from my past that I blew it with, and visualize what I would have done differently if given a chance to go back...

It's like I'm constantly trying to decide which part of me is the best part of me. The man or the beast? Are they really different, or exactly the same?

I'm not gonna get into my whole life story, but, my early childhood was pretty rough. There were a lot of times where my family literally didnt know where our next meal would be coming from, or how we were gonna pay rent, or electric, or heat, or where we were gonna move too when we got evicted... (its happened to me 25 times in my life already.) I was lucky if I got to see my dad 3 times a month, and him an I have never really seen eye to on anything. He allowed me to witness something as a young dude that has left me with a phobia. Something that terrified the fucking shit outta me... Again, I am NOT looking for pity, or anything like that.

It's just, sometimes it makes me wonder why I want this so bad. Maybe there's this part of me that deep down inside just wants to show everybody on this planet who ever let me down that I don't fucking need them one bit. Of course, that kind of seems like a far fetched concept... We are human after all and thrive off one another.

My little bro is 17. We're very different but have a lot in common. We love metal, we play gears 3 with each other whenever we hang out, we discuss philosophy and the like. Sometimes when we talk about girls, he'll pick one out and I might say, "No man, she's not for me." And he'll be like "Dude you are way too picky. You're standards are way too high." I'll quip back with "Well fuck me in the beard for having high standards and wanting to have options..."

Point I'm getting at is that this guy would honestly be content fucking maybe 3-5 different girls in his life, whereas I would probably see myself as a failure if I died with only that low of a count. The kid literally lives for junkfood, anime, videogames, air conditioning, and hd quality 1280P porn. Sounds like the perfect candidate for this forum, HAHAHA jk.... (Not really)
He had a harder time experiencing all of the shit that we went through as youngsters, being almost 3 years younger than me an all... I have already introduced him to the game, and hope to train him when he's ready so that he can become my greatest asset as a wing and hopefully in the process we will learn much from each other. Maybe even travel the world exploring and trolling for global ass in our spare time...

In closing, I love my brother more than anyone else in the world. He is currently the most important man in my life. I repeat to myself in my own head that he is the most important reason why I have to stride to be alpha every day. Because someday, my baby bro is really gonna need me, and an alpha makes things happen, while a beta suffocates in fear...

Have any of you guys ever posed this question to yourself as well? Enlighten me. What makes you stride to be alpha??? Besides having options with women, and money, and all that other material bullshit.

I guess my reasons are #1: for my loved ones, and
#2: for the expansion of my own growth as an individual, but I'm still trying to figure everything out. One day at a time, hopefully.

_________________
"Take your last chance. It's not the end..."

I've been competitive my whole life....i was alpha in 3rd grade son!. Its not about the women, its about seeing a challenge and owning it. Whether its sports, career, women, hell if its a challenge in down. Having spirit and ambition leads to winning and getting what you want. Getting what you want makes folks envy/look up to you.

So no, I dont think about it being pointless. I continually find more challenges in all aspects of my life because it makes me feel alive.

I dont think its pointless either, otherwise I probably would have never joined the forum...

I guess I'm just having a hard time trying to figure out why I want this so bad. Maybe it's because I'm just absolutely sick and fucking tired of feeling beta. If I work hard and give it my all, it won't have to be this way.

Besides, I was speaking more on the sexual aspect of what I was saying. Improving yourself in any area of your life is great as long as it has a positive effect on you. As a guitar player of 5 years, I know this better than anyone.

It was probably just the fact that I was watching porn. It always makes me feel beta after watching it. Because I know that it would be so much better to actually be fucking instead of just witnessing it happen...
That's why I've cut back on it.

I think that deep down, I just really feel that I've got something to prove. Mostly to myself, but to some degree, my family. Maybe that's it.

_________________
"Take your last chance. It's not the end..."