WHERE:
If you really want to approach, here is where you can do it, in order from easiest to hardest:
A) Parties, especially house parties. Just bring at least one friend or know some people at the party.
B) Group activities. Such as taking a class. You should make at least one friend quickly in this environment, even if it's not a girl.
C) Bars. Happy hours after work. Best if you can come with a work friend and connect with people over that.
D) Lunch spots. Coffee shops, parks, etc. Students and people on their lunch break are open to talking with you.
E) Transportation, such as subway.
F) Street. Also on the beach, etc.
G) Clubs. Best if you can come out with at least one female friend, and focus on just having a great time.
For A, B, C and G you will do better if you are with people you know. That is because both of you will be there for a while, so you want a home base you can return to instead of feeling like you're mooching off people.
Someone else should write about style -- hygiene, smell, haircut, clothing, shoes, the way you speak etc. But basically the style depends on the environment in which you meet. Your style also relates to PATTERNS and COMMUNICATION which I will talk about below.
SITTING VS STANDING VS WALKING:
Meeting people when standing is the easiest. That is why parties and bars are the easiest.
The next easiest is sitting. D and E are easier than F because the people are sitting down, so you have time to talk to them without feeling like you are keeping them from being somewhere. The problem with sitting is that sometimes there may not be a space to sit next to the person. This can actually be one of the hardest problems to overcome, and it's not in the scope of this post.
Finally there is walking. The nice thing about walking is that every interaction is private. So no one has to know that you met 15 - 20 girls on the street some given day. The hard part about walking is that you often have a very limited time to talk, since they had to be somewhere.
To some extent, dancing on the dance floor is yet another separate category but it is so different from the above that once again it does not fit into this post.
INTENTIONS:
Okay first of all a word about intentions. This is to prevent yourself from freaking out. The reason most people fear to approach is because they are ashamed of their own intentions. They think, "what if people would see what I am doing"?
Imagine the following: someone dropped a wallet on the street. You pick it up and run after this guy, yelling for them to stop. When you catch up to them, you hand them the wallet. Will you feel good about what you did? Will you feel even better if other people were watching? Notice that this was because you are proud of your intentions.
Therefore your homework is to figure out intentions you can be proud of, such as:
* meeting interesting people when you come out
* introducing your friends to someone they like
* making a girl's day, making her smile
* wanting to dance tonight
* finding out whether this cute girl is into the same kind of music you are
If you ever get nervous before approaching a girl you like, simply think of an intention you are proud of.
PHYSICAL ACTION:
As you approach, you have to have confidence and authority in your body language. Here is how smooth body language communication happens:
A) You do an action confidently
B) As you do it, you look at them until they become aware of what you're doing
C) You expect them to respond to your action with their own body language
D) You adjust accordingly
Basically if they give you negative body language, that is information that they might not be comfortable with a direct approach. If they give you positive body language, you can push ahead with a direct approach.
This applies to any sort of body language move. The key is not to do something to the girl but to go 80% of the way, then read her response, and see whether you should lead the other 20% of the way or if you should focus her on something else. See the next section.
DIRECT VS INDIRECT:
The rule is simple. Are you going out of your way to go to talk to someone?
If you are going out of your way to talk to someone, go direct about something. It doesn't have to be about their looks. But whatever you start talking about, direct means it's about you and them in particular. You are serious and expect them to talk about this topic. An example is stopping a girl on the street, or crossing a restaurant to talk to a group.
If you aren't going out of your way, go indirect. Basically start talking about something which is not you or them (such as the name of a song, or the weather, or the food, or whatever). The best way to do this is if you are with a friend, discussing something fun, they slightly overhear you, and then you open up the conversation and include them in it.
Pro tip: If you are going to see someone several times, you can just make a good first impression, chitchat and leave without making any effort to stay in touch. Later on you can re-engage them indirectly.
Whether you go direct or indirect, it has to be absolutely casual. You shouldn't freak people out. See the next section.
PATTERNS:
Here I do not mean the crazy sexual NLP patterns. However what I mean is taking advantage of roles people have been exposed to over the years. When I stick out my hand to shake yours you will want to shake mine and offer your name. When a photographer with a camera pops up and asks the two of you to take a picture, you know the roles so you just do it. When people know what's going on they are at ease. They often do things on automatic. When people don't know what's going on they use a different part of their brain and try to figure out what's going on. They will experience more anxiety and excitement. Save the unusual for spice to set yourself apart. Use the expected to guide the conversation.
You want an opener that woks almost all the time? Here you go: "Hey, could you guys take a picture of us?" And then proceed as normal.
TOPICS:
When you just meet someone, the conversation has to *mean something* to them. Therefore, it is better to get people to talk about something THEY are interesting about, and your job is to get them to tell you exciting things about it. Often times people do things that can be fascinating to others, but they forget about them because they are ordinary. Get them to reveal that their life is not ordinary at all, and they will appreciate you and want to see you again!
When you first start making small talk, ask about things closer to here/now. For example, what they are doing here, how was their day, etc. Then you can ask what neighborhood they live in, when did they move there, etc. Only later do you start finding commonalities on things further away, such as childhood experiences, what you studied, tv shows and movies, traveling, etc. This is a natural progression.
QUESTIONS:
Do not just ask "where are you from" and "what do you do". Instead, there are several ways to do it smoothly:
A) make a playful assumption such as "you look like a teacher". She will correct you if you are wrong, and it will be more fun. Be prepared to explain why you think she looks like a teacher. You can always relate it to something that happened to you in college, and so on.
B) observe something about them and make a compliment, pause, then ask a question. For example, "you've got fantastic eyes... are you Russian?" Compliments work well if you follow them with questions
C) make a statement, pause, then ask a question. For example, "it's so warm here." "yeah" "Where are you from?" "San Francisco." "Where do you like the weather more, here or there?" and suddenly they are excited to tell you about something as mundane as the weather.
D) personal questions such as "are you guys dating" or "do you have a boyfriend" are best asked when they are focusing on something else. For instance, if she says "would you buy me a drink" you can respond, "wouldn't your boyfriend mind?" That will get her to reveal personal things to you and open the possibility for escalation, without having to put her on the spot.
COMMUNICATION:
It is not just about what you say. Communication goes on many different channels between two people ... the way you look at each other, body language, the way you touch each other, even your choice of topics.
Basically it comes down to this -- as long as your topics are normal, most attraction is built on the non verbal communication. The non verbal communication is a dance. In fact the better you are at dancing the easier it will be.
Having a rich vocabulary of non verbal communication will help you understand how to communicate. You can get it through experience and also through watching the same TV shows everyone else watches.
FUN:
Girls enjoy teasing. By teasing I mean messing with them -- not in a mean way but in a sarcastic way. Playfully blaming them for things. Setting them up to expect something and then switching it up.
I have found that if there is a group, saying a joke (like a bar joke) gets everyone to go around and say jokes. Everyone feels like they are contributing to a good mood. And being the first one to start it off gives you a bit of leadership cred. Girls like to be around a leader.
GETTING CLOSE:
Show a girl some cool stuff on your phone or camera, or do something intimate together such as taking turns writing on a piece of paper. In general the idea is that you take turns doing something, and it's small and intimate. That will get you comfortable being close, you can put your arm around her, and so forth.
This is already going into other topics so I will stop here.
Greg
CHAT
