Background.

been with this girl on and off for 2 years.

love her.. but things always go bad after a few months..

she "wants to be single" which is not cool with me because i dont want to think about her doin somethin with someone else let alone actually doing something..

i literally have thrown up.. i can barely sleep.. i cant eat.. basically this is killing me slowly.. and i dont know how to deal with it.. the whole reason i joined this forum is because i knew this would happen.. but i figured my inner game would be so tight that it wouldnt effect me.. but it has.. and its the worse pain to date.. help me anyone.. please.

ditch her and find a new girl .

Obviously she dont care about you enough to make it exclusive!

Forget her move on, or the pain wont stop

If she wants to be single it is because she wants to break up.

Break-ups feel bad for a very good reason GameBoyPocket: it is in our nature to form attachment bonds with our partners - bonds that resemble in intensity those we made with our parents. When those bonds break, it hurts.

Your post reads that one person wants to end the relationship- “she "wants to be single", but the other person doesn't- “which is not cool with me because i dont want to think about her doin somethin with someone else let alone actually doing something”... This kind of break-up has a special painfulness to it, because one person gets their heart broken and the other has to live with hurting someone they really care about, in addition to being in pain from the separation themselves.

Breakups raise primal negative feelings: guilt, sadness, anger, and fear. It can be hard to experience these feelings- “i dont know how to deal with it.. the whole reason i joined this forum is because i knew this would happen.”- without wanting to stop them or control them or manage them in some way. When people try to manage their emotions, one of the first things they do is try to figure out the cause of these feelings so they can predict or control them in the future. You might be in a position to either blame yourself ("what did I do wrong?") or blame the gf who broke up with you ("how could you hurt me like this?"). Typically, both types of blame are attempts to escape from the real issue, which is how much anger, hurt, or despair one is currently feeling-”but i figured my inner game would be so tight that it wouldnt effect me.. but it has.. and its the worse pain to date..”. Typically, these types of blame are also distortions of the truth.

Blaming oneself is a distortion. It is worth remembering that relationships' longevity and happiness are about the dynamic or fit between two people, not about the inherent worth of either party. Our culture glorifies relationships and many people assume that being in a relationship is a sign of desirability or worth, and conversely, being single is a sign of undesirability and worthlessness. In my experience, being in a relationship or being married have very little to do with either desirability or worth.

Blaming one's partner is a distortion. You may have noticed if you observe friends of yours who are in relationships, that in every relationship disagreement, there are two valid points of view, not just one. This truth goes even broader. Indeed, every relationship is really two relationships. In other words, the relationship can feel very different to one partner than it feels to the other. This means that the relationship that one person was really excited about ("how could you break up with me? Things were so good!"), did not necessarily feel exciting to the other person. Often, the person doing the breaking up felt fundamentally dissatisfied with the relationship. The truth is, if you are the person who is being broken up with, you deserve someone who will love you without being fundamentally dissatisfied with what you offer. The person who broke up with you cannot fill that role, and by breaking up with you, they are freeing you to find someone who can.

For now you need to heal to move on. so catch up with some of your friends and party a little. If you look at the big picture you wont feel so miserable. We have all been there..

_________________
you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

Wow! That sounds almost like an exact replica of what I went through about 3 years ago. I made the mistake of persuing her though, and although we did get back together, ironically I ended it about a year later.

The problem with "on/off" relationships is that they should probably be "off" but peoples insecurities and circumstances force it back "on".

Shortly after we broke up I got together with somebody else, it was only then that I realised how that previous relationship just didn't work. I'm sure this will happen to you too, it's why moving in is so important.

thanks to all of yall for the replies.deep and meaningless, i do have a question.

we were never together.. not since september of last year.. we didnt talk from september till december of 09. then we started talking as friends until january.. then from february till now it was more serious.. but we both made the agreement that we didnt want a relationship cause there was too much going on for both of us at the time.. her excuse is.. its summer and she wants to be able to chill with friends that are guys and friends that are girls..(i never complain about her chillin with her guy friends..) and she specifically said she isnt talking about hooking up, but just hangin out.. she wants to be single but then she still wants to be in contact with me..what does that mean?

... She wants to fuck around, it's as obvious as it can get.

If you 2 were exclusive, why wouldn't she be able to have the freedom to regularly "hang out" with her guy friends? You have nothing against that, right?

So that's not the problem.

The problem is that "hanging out" means something else.

*Alert* She's not relationship material

_________________
Journal/Blog: journal-little-panda-vt135329.html

i really do apologize i didnt give enough background i was very upset and tired but couldnt sleep.

hers the lowdown..

we had an agreement that we would stay exclusive to eachother meaning no doing anything physical with anybody else.. but eachother.. she has been to parties and got drunk a few times since summer started but says she hasnt done anything with anyone.. my issue is that she puts her friends before me.. she hangs out with her female friends.. who then invite guys to hang with them.. our schedules never match.. either i have work.. or she has camp../mock trial.. she only recently gained some free time and has promised me several times that we were gonna chill.. but still has yet to see me..
we both have done amazing things for eachother.. and although i love her.. i dont want to waste my time. i know how to somewhat game girls.. im still learning the ropes to all of this but for the most part im not a newb. i can get better looking cooler girls than her but i want her i think i have oneitis..

this past week i ignored her contact and yet she still keeps trying to talk to me.. even when i answer with less than 5 words.. sometimes i tell her i have to go after a few messages and dont talk to her for the rest of the day.. the next day she will text me like 3 times before i answer.. this is why i am so confused..

last night i told her to delete my # cause i am just going to move on.. in less than two weeks she will be messaging me trying to slowly creep back into my life.. so i need some more advice.. i hope that little bit of background information gave you a better idea of whats going on.

Hey buddy, I can answer that very easy question, I'm going through pretty much the same shit right now except i saw her for 2 years, "dated" for 2, and actually was in a relationship for just under 4 months. To make a long story short, she wanted a break and i said fuck that noise, what do you need a break for when I'm going to be gone for the next 4 months on active duty with the military. So simple answer, theres another dude. And we broke up. Doesn't help that my grandad died a month before that.

I got to the point where i was sick to my stomach and sent one of our close mutual friends a written letter, raw emotions. Sometimes that helps with the immiedate pain, as well it made our close mutual friend tell her either your with him or your not, stop being his "friend" because you are lonely, you did this to yourself.

Anyways, a week after that I was forced to some party and started mingling, made new friends, girls were into me. Made me feel good since after 4 years and four months you don't see much but one person. After that night I don't know what happened but a massive weight was off my heart but there is still pain.

The best way to deal with this sort of shit is to go make new friends and get out of her niche. Write shit down, talk to buddies who are going to bitch at you, talk to your parents, go to the gym, improve yourself, make a more attraactive lifestyle.

No matter what goes on, if she ment as much to you as this girl to me did, you will always feel the pain to a degree. I'm still on the false pretense she may come back but I'm also close to telling her to get out of my life.

The extra back ground information you have given has painted a clearer picture of what is going on GameBoyPocket. The happiest outcome (for you) would be that both of you end up on the same wavelength with equal feelings over time, or content with the trade-offs of unequal feelings,but it doesn’t typically turn out that way.

Here’s how your situation looks from a third person perspective.
The GF stays in the relationship. She is honest with GameBoyPocket and tells him she loves spending time with him and isn’t interested in seeing anyone else right now-“she has been to parties and got drunk a few times since summer started but says she hasnt done anything with anyone”- ,but wants them both to have the right to do so in the future. She doesn’t want to make any promises she’s not sure she can keep- 'she only recently gained some free time and has promised me several times that we were gonna chill.. but still has yet to see me..”.
If GameBoyPocket can’t accept this it’s on HIM to break up with her. This allows her to shrug off her guilt. GameBoyPocket says he’s cool with this arrangement-“we had an agreement that we would stay exclusive to eachother meaning no doing anything physical with anybody else.. but eachother” (since he figures it’s better than losing her altogether) but Gf is getting mixed signals from him-“last night i told her to delete my # cause i am just going to move on”. He seems to be hoping to change her mind about exclusivity by trying even harder to be her ideal partner-“we both have done amazing things for eachother”. She certainly is benefiting from his heightened attention to her needs so she’s got it pretty good.

What happens if GameBoyPocket keeps acting as if he’s fine when he’s really not getting his relational needs met?
There will be a tipping point at which each can go down an unhealthy path scenario (1) or healthy ones (2 & 3).

Scenario 1. GameBoyPocket starts becoming more malleable, clingy and insecure until the love and respect GF used to feel for him become completely eroded. She starts testing the limits of his willingness to compromise his self-worth. She is secretly hoping that her increasingly unloving behaviour will push him to break up with her so she doesn’t have to do the unpleasant dumping dirty work. But he won’t or can’t. At first she feels even guiltier but, paradoxically, she gets angrier with him for “making” her feel guilty. She finally hates the doormat he’s become enough to break up with him. Each of them is left with partner resentment that they are likely to carry into the next relationship in some way, shape or form.

Scenario 2. After a few months GF decides to leave GameBoyPocket so she can keep feeling good about herself and him. She has been getting away with putting much less time and effort into the relationship than GameBoyPocket and is starting to feel like she is using him. Sure, she thought it was up to him to break up with her if he was unhappy - but GameBoyPocket doesn’t seem to have the courage, maturity, self-esteem, assertiveness or whatever else it takes to leave an inequitable relationship. Under these circumstances she believes she would be abusing her power if she keeps rationalising that the break-up ball is in his court. So she takes the ball and tells him he deserves the kind of love she is unable to give him right now. She makes a clean break because she knows trying to stay friends right after the break-up is a slippery slope.

Scenario 3. GameBoyPocket stays in the relationship and is willing to put up with GF’s distance because she’s the hottest girl he has ever been with. But after a few more months of perfect-boyfriend behavior he finally gets fed up with her lack of reciprocity and leaves GF - with his integrity intact. He goes through a period of loneliness and grief and doesn’t know if he’ll ever meet someone as attractive as GF again, but he believes that sticking to his relationship values and making himself available to others is the only way to find out.

NaCI's story is a success story and an example of scenario 3. Even though a mutual friend was needed as an arbitrator to help negate any of his ex's guilt feelings, finally leaving NaCI at peace. NaCI took control of his situation. I’m sure he’s in a better position now because of his experience.

_________________
you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!

She's gotta understand how you feel about this... If you're gonna be exclusive, you're gonna be exclusive properly, because that's the kind of relationship that you're looking for.

A relationship is mutual, and you both need to share the same goals in order for it to work.

And when you tell her this (you have to do it sooner or later) and you find out she doesn't feel the same way as you... Well... You know the answer to that.

_________________
Journal/Blog: journal-little-panda-vt135329.html

thanks for the help everybody i really appreciate it. i decided that im not going to stick around if she doesnt want what i want. so i told her to do what she wants.. i deleted her contact and all of her friends aswell.. im not gonna lie these past few days i have felt like shit but i know it will get better..so its cool. there are plenty of women in this world. and i know for a fact that when im ready for something.. that i will find it.

hobbit i really appreciate it, thanks man.

Well done GameBoyPocket. I'm on here, because I just had to do the same thing. I got sick just like you did too, but we can use that physical response to our emotions to drive us to success. My frustration and sadness with the breakup made me hit the gym harder than ever, catch up on my reading, work on my tan, get a mole removed that I had always hated, and made me stop being a wuss with women. I'll bet you can use this take a step up in your own personal way too.

...