Hello everyone.

I've been reading questions/answers for a while and I've got a problem on my own for a while.

The story.

I am with this girl for 3 years, I am 20 now, she's too. I can't decide in my head what do I want. One day I want to go out, meet a new girl, another day I don't want my girlfriend, the next day I want her very much.

This lasts for about a year.
I am passionate about the life, I have areas where I realease myself. I always try to improve my skills, myself. I am quite seldom available for my girlfriend and she's angry about that, but from the beginning I've let her know that she will not be number one thing in my life.

I have a couple of problems here with her or maybe with myself!

She likes to be in control very much. I like that too. In fact it's one of the main reasons of our conflicts. As a man, I don't like when something is said to me what do I have to do.

The second thing is that I am too passive. I don't enjoy at all going to clubs, parties. Such things make me tired very quickly and I always have to overcome myself and do that. I do that with a belief that I must get out of my conformt zone, but it's frustrating. I don't know what to do, so I would start liking parties, clubs and places where a lot of people are in one place or just something new.
Sometimes I feel like an old potatoe.

Any advices would be appreciated very much.

My advice would be go with your heart. I usually say to myself, when in doubt, leave it out. Your obviously doubting this relationship. 3 years is a long time.

It really is decision time because the longer you leave it, the harder it gets.

Have a deep think, pro's and the con's. If you split up with her, you'll need to go out, makes you feel better.

It looks to me like this relationship is inevitably going to fail no matter how long you drag it out. You're incompatible because she likes to be in control while you resent it; she likes to go out and do things that make you feel socially uncomfortable, and it's also evident she's becoming frustrated and going to become increasingly unsatisfied emotionally because you're seldom available to her.

You're also not dedicated to her. To re-highlight what Hobbit has above, why have you been with her for three years if she's not the number one thing in your life? Additionally, why are you even considering prolonging the relationship if this is the case?

I'd say it's time to end it.

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"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe.

I agree with the above advice...

But I understand you man. You are afraid to leave something you got because you are afraid you might not find it again. Am I correct?

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I'm not trying to be a dick Ezo, but you're being a Pick Up Snob in my opinion.

bbardot: you just reminded me about porn

I see the life from my own point of view and I believe my life's purpose is not to have a girl. That's why she is not and no girl will ever be No. 1.

She is not very socially active, she is a bit more than me. I compare myself to my other friends saying I am not socially active, as most of my friends like being out most of their time.

For all the time, I somehow had very good feelings towards her from the emotional and physical points of view.

I simply do not know how to change myself in that direction that I would be more outgoing maybe.
I am a bit confused about the situation:)

Well, yeah, Ezo.

I somehow know that with another girl I would be able to make a relationship, but somehow I want to push the limits of this one. I do this all the time - do nothing or do everything.

I didn't say I don't love her, I just feel that it should be the other way, and I start looking at myself, maybe I have a bad understanding about the situation?

MindFucker. I recognize myself in you...

_________________
I'm not trying to be a dick Ezo, but you're being a Pick Up Snob in my opinion.

bbardot: you just reminded me about porn

What did you do in such a situation?
I would like to hear a story.

Also, from my postings, I believe everyone understood that if she will never be No. 1 in my life, that means I don't love her.

That doesn't mean so, as telling she will never be No.1 I ment that I have life on my own and she will not be the goal of everything or so.

I'm going through pretty much the same thing you are, but I am a little bit farther along. And boy do I have a story -

Story goes, we were together for 3 years (more happy than not) and she asks, "Where do you see this going?" To me this is her way at hinting at marriage. Now this is a great girl, and I can see being with her for the rest of my life, but I have doubts as well. The thoughts going through my head: I am pretty young, can I do better - your basic is the grass greener somewhere else? So I hesitated in answering and basically it put me in a mental funk where I was constantly debating if I should shit or get off the pot. Well, she sensed the hesitation and my decision got made for me when about two months later she left for a trip to England to visit some guy friend she had over there for like 2 weeks. I can't let that be acceptable behavior and so when she got back I asked her to please pack her shit and get out. I miss the hell out of her and have an opportunity to move to another state for work for a year. So about two weeks before I leave town she breaks down (I guess when you break up it supposed to be permanent?) and we start rekindling the fire. Things are going great. She moves back in and we do a part time long distance thing for 6 months. During that time we don't work out our issues very well and she resents me moving (a selfish decision I made without her input is what I am guilty of by the way). The last month is pretty crappy. So the day before I fly out we get in a fight and I lose my temper and scare the shit out of her. Now we have not spoken for like 2 months.

Now, what I learned from all this - Communication is #1 important thing. I would suggest every serious couple take some sort of class or something on how to properly communicate. Second, we were both not respecting ourselves. We both let the other person walk all over the other without standing ground. This feeds into the, “Who has more power?” struggle (which no one can win). Three, we were just not compatible with eachother. The only reason we stuck it out for so long was we felt we loved eachother, and that deserved that extra effort. AFC stuff I know, but I am glad I gave it a shot and know for sure how it ends. By the time we separated I was so emotionally drained from tip-toeing around issues that I welcomed the loneliness. But I got involved in reading theology and philosophy for a bit, hung out with friends and got back around to PU. I started doing things that I enjoyed but put on the backburner to spend time with another person. And now I feel like my old dominant, independent self again. The girl is still in my thoughts every day, but I don't need that interaction to be happy anymore.

Now, you say you are an independent guy. You have passion. You obviously like this girl for some deep seeded reason, otherwise you wouldn't still be with her. But you don't sound happy at all. Having a girl on your shoulder or in your back pocket will not change how you feel about your life. I would say ditch the chick for now so you can focus on yourself. You said you are passionate, so be passionate about whatever you are interested in again and immerse yourself in it. It will help take your mind off your feelings. If at a later time it was meant to be you two will reconcile.

Being comfortable with someone is not the same as being happy.

But what is up with focusing on not wanting to go out to clubs? So what? Drinking and getting stupid is fun, but ultimately unproductive. You can do plenty of other social things (sports, clubs, volunteer). Just focus on getting your energy up and the rest will follow.

Kind of long – but I guess I needed to vent a little – LOL.

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The quality of a man's life is in direct proportion to his commitment to excellence, regardless of his chosen field of endeavor - V. Lombardi

I didnt play by the rules...

_________________
I'm not trying to be a dick Ezo, but you're being a Pick Up Snob in my opinion.

bbardot: you just reminded me about porn

Good post! I think I am in the same shoes you were in...I love my gf but I feel like perhaps I want to be single...then I think if i left her I would regret it big time and want to get back with her...I also cant stand the thought of her dating other men.

Was this how you felt before? and did you realize that the grass was greener on the other side? it wasnt as good being single?

Wonderful post above.

I liked the idea to focus on myself and I am between black and white right now.
I released that fighting myself everyday what's good and what's bad is draining my energy.

I am with that girl because of deep feelings. They are not as strong as they were in the first year, but damn, I feel confused about myself.

I believe we both have done something wrong as we've got lazy about each other.
She is often nervous, tired. That's ok, I understand - that's because of the studies, exams. I see her working a lot, but I can't give it attention as I notice her doing unimportant stuff during the day, and after all saying she is tired because she must work until the late night.
I fear to say to myself that only sex was all we've had together, as she's like that for a while(approx. half a year to give a resolution) I don't feel physical attraction towards her as much as I felt before.

Also, I feel a bit guilty for myself as I get attention from opposite sex but I seem to stop myself from any new relationships, because of this one.

I believe someone will say: "If you TRULY LOVE HER you wil blabla". Well, that's not. If my girl is often tired, unhappy and so and I try to give her attention, sometimes help her, drag her somewhere, but she's happy for a short period of time, I can definetely say that love depends on the behaviour. It's not a thing which exists and sometimes disappears.

To cut all the story short - I somehow believe I should stay, but I somehow believe I should go on. I am 20, and I believe I am not an adult enough to have a serious relationship.. =\

It sounds like you and I are in the same boat. My gf and I have alot of fun togeather and we are very close! but I cant stand alot of the things she does and it makes me second guess our relationship.

Hell, yeah. And it's nice to hear somebody has the same problems .

It's driving me nuts...