here is my view IN FOREIGN language ... lol
She's kept being hostage by her thoughts and emotions, probably because she suffered from trauma which is repressed resulting in emotions which are wrongly rationalized. By emotional dependancy he (her ex)took on more parent like role in the former relationship, she also sees him as a victim possible because she performed an action which she deeply regrets , by those repressed emotions she mixes love with regret. When someone feels regret that person will seek ( subconcious/unconcious) out things that will feed this reality by thoughts or objectifications. People who feel guilt and like a victim will probably make social alliances with people who experience the same emotions, commonality and repressed feelings mistaking for love resulting into needyness.
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I can understand why she feels hurt because what he did was quite traumatizing. However, I believe that old feelings should be put aside when you are entering a new relationship; especially when you are months into the new one
yes it's traumatizing , however old feelings will never be put aside - in most cases they will be put aside in concious form. Most people will seek out new girls who have traits of their first ex, either negative or positive - if a girl had 5 boyfriend which all cheated guess how you should project yourself to get the girl.
When people got into problems with their ex they want a boyfriend who is completely different .. let's say the opposite of the projected traits BUT unconciously she replies to people with the same problem like behaviour ( value ). in picking up stage she responds to guys who are assholes and when it gets serious she responds to the concious opposite side of the traits - some form of backward rationalizing.
stage 1 : Unconcious -- > stage 2 : Concious
This is also at work when a girl doesn't take enough time between relationships , lets say emotions arise when experiencing trauma , those are often repressed and not rationalized. There is double grief because first you go through the emotions and after this you go through the concious thought forms. She gone through emotions which are probably backward rationalized in a wrong way and that's why people mistake certain emotions for love and do stupid things because of it.
She probably has gone through stage 1 and now she's in stage 2 because she seriously told you about it so there is some improvement.
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During the first month her ex asked her to have sex and she accepted because he showed that he still cared about her (won't get into the details). Following that incident, she realized that she was being used again.
the 2 stages i noted above are at work here. Why she's is having sex ? because the mind puts in the concept of time , before reasons can be rationalized people are prone to doing stupid shit. ''The primitive brain'' ( think of evolutionary biology ) looks for things to make you survive with the concept of time people often think about their former relationship because they want to experience the good emotions, everything that gives good emotions ( subjective ) is value. But when there is trauma people often are conciously thinking about the former situation, they don't want to experience the same pain so they seek refuge in another reality. This is why some people come up with lies to convince other people of them being victim, when people can't accept the present reality they alter in a few ways ( most unconcious ).
Instinct and evolutionary intelligence is at work here, cokeheads know coke is bad for them but still they perceive it as value.
reliving past thoughts are wrong rationalisations, when it happens people are again confronted with repressed emotions thus they feel bad about it because it is rationalized again. This process often happens a few times before the right realisations are met. Trail and error doesn't always result in the right results, often it's a repeating process. People who are dumped by their ex while still being in love will have the same needy thoughts over and over because it takes time to conciously realize it isn't any good and a waste of time. you have to rationalize conciously why ''this'''doesn't give you the survival value.
personally i don't always believe people who reassure something because trail and error is repeated at unoncious stage and in the concious stage. What she tells you at this moment could be totally different over a few weeks because different rationalisations are met.
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First, she isn't over her ex and entered into a relationship with me. Then, she tells me she slept with her ex for one day but hasn't talked to him since. Both of these signs, let alone the first one, is good enough for me to walk away from this relationship. This is unfair to me and I have stated to her that she has to eventually get over it, either with me by her side or not.
Most behaviour is consistent on short term and i don't believe she talked or slept with him only once. Don't take her reassurance and follow your own plan, be active and not reactive.
her actions are derived from deep psychological issues with the above in mind ( massively simplified ) you can conclude it isn't real love or anything like it, some people go back to their ex and some don't - the question is ; do you want to put the effort in this relationship , there will be lotsa issues and there will be alot of patience required. People in this forum will say she cheated and so forth.... she didn't conciously cheated on you - people have more and different levels of personalities influenced by mental state/health either concious or unconcious and from what i've read in this post and in the private message is that she been through some emotional pain ( unhealthy land )
some things i've read in the message are things you really shouldn't talk about , just let it be - just be there for the woman but don't talk about it. You must be willing to deal with her bagage as well , if you are in college and you are having exams / graduating soon you should put her in the fridge, don't compomise your own reality ,values and future for a single girls and don't get a messiah complex.
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The relationship may be good for you guys now, but what if you two were to get into a fight about something and not talk for a few days...who do you think she's gonna call? All she needs is a little motive and she'll be on his dick because he's always there waiting for her to fall back to him.
that's why you shouldn't talk about it at this moment.
Dumping her and being respectable or being alpha is personally subjective, what is respectable or not is your opnion and value. Don't listen to other people who are forcing their values on you , some of these are opinions and some are not.
you only have one live ... it's not good news to hear all that shit about her ex , but why not keep her ? what do you got to lose ? you don't know where this relationship is getting you since even i see some improvement and honesty , you don't want to waste a good potential relationship.
If things get sour .. so what ? you probably feel fucked up for a month but you learn lessons and you will get better insights in yourself, the winners who live the lifes they want appreciate failure as much as success - for them failure is succes because failure allows growth. If you are clear about where you are and where you want to go it's completely fine. Losers don't take risks out of fear or personal morals which are influenced by fear , if you want something you have to take risks. she ''maybe '' cheated on you but she also cheated on herself, people don't do things which make them feel bad on purpose.
My last relationship had some similarities like yours but in my relationship she wasn't honest etc. still i made the choice with the motivations i mensioned above , maybe fucked up a few things up but i learned shitloads of good things. Those experiences while they have nothing to do with pickup in a direct manner gave me new understanding of people and better insights on myself thus improving my life in general. some things are like rollercoasters ... you know you are going to puke when you are taking the ride but when you've done it your like '' hell yeah i've done it''
the ton of girls out there theory lol
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i know there's a ton of girls out there who I could be dating instead of spending my time with this one
yes and many of them are screwed in the head , sometimes you trade a obvious screwed up girls for a new un-obvious even more screwed/fucked up woman. tons of girls .... like they are all better than the one you have lol .....guys are still looking for the perfect partner - you don't get tons of girls, maybe 10000 girls in your town and 20 % is either slutty or screwed up ... lets say you hook up with 10 girls .... 20 % is 2000 so you have a big chance of meeting a new fucked up girl - o yeah and realize some have weird occupations , some could be whores or erotic dancers. People already got what they want or already got what they have , there are probably numerous unknown STDs which are (not) infectious and unknown to science. if you are afraid of STDs you should realise there is no woman free of germs and other micro-organisms, obvious metaphor......
CHAT
