...but too afraid to do anything about it.

Well, what up fellas? Glad I found these boards. From what I've read so far, most of this community is great and is truly out to help better their fellow man. Not just with women, but LIFE...Period. Which is why I'm about to get into this PUA game. Good stuff.

Well, heres a warning, since I'm so fucked up, this will be pretty long, and if your not in the mood for a pathetic story that ends with me seeking help (as there are so many on here)...might want to skip this .

Note: Tried, but can't post this in the Social Shyness section 'cause I'm a new booty.

Lets see....where do I start? Well, I'm pathetic. I don't feel as if I'm your average, everyday pathetic, frustrated chump, but rather that special pathetic snowflake. I also feel pathetic because I am now able to call myself pathetic with such ease and confidence that its pretty...well pathetic. I've accepted my fate to live here at home, the home that I haven't left in 4 (going on 5) months. I'm agoraphobic. I feel like I am the ugliest guy in the entire universe and inferior to everyone else around me. I'm now even intimidated by grade school kids. Oh, and did I mention that I'm 20 years old and 5'4"?

If me staying at home for 5 months straight isn't even proof in itself that I'm fucked up, I'll describe how I feel in any social situation. Fuck it, I won't even use a social situation. Lets say I just got out of the shower, and take a quick glance out my window. If I see a person look up my way (or give any signs that they MIGHT look my way) I will look away with the quickness out of pure pathetic fear. Why the hell would I look away? It's my fucking apartment, my window.

If there are groceries in the car that I need to unload, I'll wait till 11PM so that no one is around to see me get them. If I were waiting in line for anything, anywhere, I just know that all eyes are on me and they are judging my face, and every little thing that I do in a very very negative way. Then I start to realize that I'm probably right because I'm exuding such a lack of confidence...people can't help but look.

I feel as if they notice my under bite (which I've been assured is not noticeable by numerous people who LOVE to put people down) from the right side of my face, the acne (not so bad, proactiv knocks it out) on the right side of my face, and the sunken in dark circles under my eyes (had them all my life, but they make me look depressed/drugged out or miserable and I CANT GET RID OF THEM). I just know that thats all ANYONE is ever looking at, and then talking shit about me (just for the sake of talking shit, or to feel better about themselves). As soon as I see someone look at me, and then later open their mouth, I just know its some crap about my hideous face.

So, when I feel people are judging me negatively (only the right side of my face) I start making weird faces. I bite my lower lip to mask it, try to bring my lower jaw in?, my already depressed enough eyes start to droop even more because I'm so nervous, so I in turn look like the pathetic person I truly have become. I've tried to focus on my good features (I have plenty), but once I look at the flaws, they consume me and I feel like they outweigh the positives or that I'm unworthy to focus on the good.

How's my posture you ask? lol...Well, I do have a very very nice, WIDE frame, and I've tried to walk with my shoulders back, chest up and all that, and I do feel more confident when I do for a whole 5 seconds, but I don't feel that I deserve to walk that way, and slouch on over. Plus, I feel like I get more attention which I know should be positive, but I feel like they will judge me saying "who the hell does that guy think he is walking around like hes confident?", and then start talking mass shit, that I won't have any comeback for. I don't even wear sunglasses because I don't want people to think I feel like I'm hot shit (plus I worry that when I take them off people are gonna be like "put 'em back on!!!!" lol).

When I was younger I used to talk shit all the time, and people would always want to hear what I had to say. No one would ever say anything negative about me because they knew I'd send them home crying. Now, dont get me wrong I wasn't a dick 24/7, only when I needed to be and it came so natural. When I wasn't being a dick, I was outgoing, hilarious, and quiet the genius. But then something happened...I had a gorgeous HB 10 (shes running in some USA 2008 pageant this year) by my side day-in and day-out, while in HS, while I was truly repulsive. 250lbs 5'4" with a jacket on in the middle of summer in California. But, still she was there next to me, having me feel her up 4 hours a day, all year round for 4 years straight.

On top of that, I idolize my brother who is 10 years older, 5'11", good looking (approached for modeling on occasion) and a nice person. So to sum it all up without going on any further, I said to myself "Fuck it, why talk shit and make people feel bad?" That then lead to someone making average, everyday comments about whatever and me thinking "Well, thats your opinion, good for you" and simply nodding or laughing real quick. I was so comfortable with what I had with this hit chick next to me for all this time, and friends (football players, taggers, goths, some AFC's) that would never say a word about me because I had asserted myself that I forgot how I put her there in the first place...by being me, cracking jokes, negging her, being interesting (having something to say) and shutting people up. I decided I didn't need to do that anymore, and I could be a nice guy like my brother who people seem to like to be around.

Well that shit backfired! Now, I don't say anything at all, period. I have no social skills. I have no clue what to say in a conversation and I then start thinking about how I'm not saying anything. That then leads me to make weird(er) faces because I'm now nervous which in turn has people judging me negatively and me coming home from work (when I had a job 5 months ago), immediately, dreading the next day that I will have to leave my home, be judged walking to the bus stop, be judged waiting at the bus stop, be judged on the bus, be judged walking away from the bus, be judged walking to work, be judged saying "whats up" to my co-workers, and finally be judged by EVERY SINGLE PERSON that comes into the store once I see the door fly open. God forbid there are more than 2 people in line while I'm at the register. I'd worry about these things as soon as I got home or on my day's off...never ever relaxed. Why do I feel this way? I have nothing to add to any conversation that may come up, and I'm horrified of being judged.

I am now truly obsessed with what other people think of me, and freeze up completely in any social setting. Where as before I couldn't care less and wanted to be the center of attention. Since High School, my whole fucking life has been nothing but a panic attack. ALL DAY, EVERY SECOND, EVERYDAY. Don't know how I haven't killed myself yet to be honest.

Anyway, I'm not here looking for a magic line or anything like that as I wouldn't know wtf to do with it. I'm here for motivation. I don't want to take drugs, and I don't need a therapist. All they are going to do for me is change my thought process (not a bad thing), and expose me to social situations which, after browsing around her, I see is something I can do on my own. I need to simply stop being a pussy, and get that "fuck it" frame of mind back, and own it.

I'm noticing that I was the leader of men back in the day, even though I was ugly, which is why I had the girl. However, I stuck to the social circle I created, and never came out of my shell and tried to meet new people. I was actually ALWAYS nervous talking to anyone I didn't know (never wanted to ask the time, etc), but I played it off, and only branched out when absolutely necessary. I never broke the social barrier if you know what I mean, and now I feel like its too late... but I refuse to live my life this way.

With all that said, other than seeing a shrink, how would you recommend I get started? Call some AFC's to roll with me to the mall and say, "hey" to random sets, so we can support each other until it becomes natural? I think this is what I'll do. I'll also try to focus only on my good features to prepare for this, but it's hard to lie to myself (or feel like I am) by ignoring the negative which I feel is more noticeable...I'll try not to feel like that.

Anything you guys recommend would be helpful. Talk shit, bring me up, bring me down, I don't care...I need to do something about this NOW. I'm sick of making up excuses and not going out. Pretty soon, my friends will stop calling and I won't be able to blame them...they've been trying for 5 months.

Hey, have a look at this thread, it may help:

afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

If you're lying to yourself by ignoring the negative, what are you doing when you ignore the positive?

If you're able to call some friends and go to the mall, then it sounds like you've overplayed a lot of what you wrote about.

You get started by not feeling sorry for yourself. You know that these people's opinion doesn't matter in the slightest, and I suspect that you are using it as a concious excuse to hide yourself from deeper problems. Maybe this break up took a bigger toll on your emotional state than you would have thought? Maybe there's more behind the scenes that you don't want to talk about. I think this is the major thing to address. You can fake confidence and get out of the house, which will help 429037544% over your current situation, but from what you've written, I would say consult a professional regarding what's going on inside your head.

Your appearance you have (almost) full control over. Some of this may cost you money, but you can work on a bit at a time.

Where do you go from here? Spend more time with your brother - and anybody else that you consider a success model. If you spend all your time with AFCs, guess what habits will be easiest to fall into? It's not a major importance, as long as they're positive people.

And remove the word pathetic from your vocabulary or I'm going to choke you with it!

It's your life. You make the rules my friend.

_________________

I'm a winner - I am going to win.

Well, I simply threw going to the mall out there because I anticipated hearing things like that and was pretty pumped(?) at the time, ready to give it a go (wanting to be ready to give it a go). Honestly, after writing all that, I went to check the mail and saw a group of people walking up the street and laughed so hard 'cause I knew right then that I was kidding myself.

Good point about me lying to myself by ignoring the positive. I'll definitely use this as a conscious excuse to pay more attention to the positive.

As for that girl, I still think about her, but thats honestly only because I have nothing to do, but sit here and "feel sorry for myself". When I had a job/went out by force, she was the last thing on my mind.

To be honest, everything I put on here earlier I never thought I'd say to anyone (online or IRL) and this IS what I've never wanted to talk about. Who would ever want to say anything like this to anyone? Pretty shameful (not pathetic ) I seriously can't imagine that all these problems I mentioned root from a bigger issue. I think that combined, they are the issue. Looks like I'm shallow, and acting like I never cared about anything for so long (having started with that mindset so young) has caught up with me and is messing me up.

Now that I think about being shallow, it could be that I lost 85 pounds, and I don't know what to make of the attention I'm getting? Maybe I expected too much after losing the weight? Maybe I didn't anticipate enough? Maybe I wasn't ready for such a drastic change? Now that I think about it, it's possible. I felt great after losing weight and someone (insecure with themselves, so they make you feel like shit) made a negative comment and that fucked me up pretty bad. Didn't hurt that I went to the gym in clothes that were easily 3 times my size, so naturally, I got weird looks. Thought I was over it though.

One thing I have realized while reading some of these posts, and over-thinking, is that I am afraid of success and horrified of the unknown (success).

Also, about chillin' with AFC's, I figured we could become Alpha together and push each other. Real talk, its like I'm the leader of the AFC's, and if I were to push them, they'd budge and I could better us all. I do feel pressured and almost obligated to do something for us. Speaking of pressure, I feel huge amounts of it in situations like the one your about to hear about.

I remember being at a party at my brothers last year (my anxiety was realllly starting to hit me hard at that point in my life), and even though I felt out of place (good amount of Alphas present), I ran that room. Fuckin' rocked it. People laughing and shit, all eyes were on me and they were waiting for what I was about to say next. The most dominate (stylish, good looking, entertaining, laid-back, confident) Alpha there was in the palm of my hand, and asked me numerous times if I went out a lot (he wasn't drunk) as if he was trying to approach me with a new opportunity or something. To me, that showed I was the life of the party, and that helps me now in the since that I know have potential, despite my appearance (in my mind).

I felt immense pressure to keep it going. Definitely not comfortable with silence. When theres a moment of silence, I feel like I become an easy target for...ridicule or...I don't know anything.

ALSO you mentioned it sounds like I overplayed my situation due to the mall being mentioned. Well man...not at all. This is how I feel. BUT at the same time, I'm constantly being told by my brother that I'm exaggerating, and blowing things way out of proportion (my appearance) and that I should bite the bullet, and snap out of it. So, you must have a point when it comes to overplaying things (which I have used in the past to captivate my audience).

You know what thanks man...I will stop feeling so sorry for myself. I can't be that bad, or people wouldn't want to be around me so bad (Alpha's included). Now I just need to focus on conquering my fear and getting out into the world again.

Roads: I'm scoping your thread right now and it seems that it prob. will help out. thanks.

Well, this'll be my first post on these boards and I'm stoked to be able to put something that might help someone else out here.

It sounds like you just have to get comfortable with yourself again. I would try having a conversation with yourself in the mirror. Don't just be like hey how's it going or something actually try to cover a broad range. Be angry at yourself, be happy, say stuff like "What the FUCK did you just call me?!" or "God you're good lookin" (don't forget to wink) This is just to build up some awareness of self. Notice that everytime you do this it's probably going to come off best the first time and then the second time it'll lose it's meaning and depth and you'll feel like you're trying to fix little things you see wrong with your expressiveness. Only repeat something two or three times at most and move on, you'll subconsciously start carrying your expressions in a way that will give you more outward confidence. If you're having trouble keeping eye contact print off some pictures of pretty girls faces and just practise gazing into their eyes.

I wish you the best man, and just remember, you're experiencing something that is, as far as we know, unique to one infinitely small piece of a greater cosmos, and that is life, so appreciate that fact and love that you get to share it with others, from there you just have to spread the love and it'll eventually start coming back to you Everyone here's got your back

I think you have a better grip on all of this than you realize, but here is some of what I see.
First of all, I understand that your feelings (regarding people judging you etc.) are real to you, but that doesn't mean its actually happening, but think of it like this: If someone with psychosis sees a burning freight-train barreling toward him, you can bet your ass that its as real as can be, but only in his own mind. To you or I standing next to him and watching the "nothing" in the distance, it seems ludicrous. Of course I'm not saying you have a mental illness, just that your perception is not realistic to everyone else. In your case, that is a VERY good thing. You've already pointed that out though:
Case and point: your brother is not going to lie to you and even if he was, if you had that hot of a girl, than you are not fucking hideous. That aside, most people fear success because they fear failure; "If I succeed, people will expect success; if I don't succeed, if I do well, its great and if not, its no big deal". Along side that is the issue of being shallow.

I read a post which reiterated and explained the fundamental point, not only in PU but, in life. "You are not your car keys." I'm going to break this down really simply, but go and read the links (in order). You are nothing but you, who you were at conception, gestation, birth and every birthday. The clothing that you wear, the car that you drive, the home that you live in, your perspectives on any and everything, your personal and outward identities, and even your face and your body DO NOT DEFINE YOU. Excluding those with a severe, late onset mental disease or horrific brain trauma, the same goes for every other person on this earth. So rather than worrying about the physical, concern yourself with the mental / metaphysical. If someone is really attractive, great for them, but why reward someone for their dumb luck with genetic roulette? If you keep that mindset, it helps with everything from self-esteem to active pick-up.

http://www.saddoboxing.com/boxingforum/ ... art-1.html
http://www.saddoboxing.com/boxingforum/ ... art-2.html
http://www.saddoboxing.com/boxingforum/ ... art-3.html


By the way, I too used to be overweight, not morbidly, but very noticeably. I lost like 30lbs between the last 2 weeks of HS and the month following. One of my best friends had a late grad party and his GF of over 2 years didn't recognize me at first. So yeah, you are going to get a lot of attention regarding that and yeah, be fucking proud of taking care of yourself!
Also, where are you located by the way, it is not on your profile. People on here would be happy to go out and sarge with you. I think doing so and with backup would be very helpful for you.

_________________
-Insight

"A wise man knows only that he knows nothing."