i was together in a long distance (6 hrs) relationship for 14 months, saw each other every second weekend on average. my ex is younger than me and inexperienced with relationships, i was the first (real) relationship. at the end of the relationship my ex broke up in a crying fit, expressing that the love was still strong, but wasnt "in love" anymore ("no more butterflies"). it needs to be said that my ex generally was in a very bad place at the time and was suffering from depression due to issues that had nothing to do with the relationship.

due to the age difference, lack of experience i thought i need my ex figure out things alone, so we broke up without a big fight or anything, but it was really painful for both of us. we stayed in super sparse contact until i was removed on fb eventually because my ex couldnt cope with the fact that i was having fun/acted "inappropiately" and claimed that remaining friends on fb with me is too hurtful at the moment. whatever. 3-4 months after the break up, we are still in super sparse contact every two weeks or so and very superficial at that, i get a message that we looked cute in one of the facebook pictures/facebook memories of our trips that we had. 4 weeks later, when i had to make my ex look for something that i was missing, i was told that it was very painful going through the box with our memories in search of the missing item.

so now a few days ago (= 5 months after the break up), my ex gets in contact and in the course of the text conversation i get to find out that my ex is still suffering from depression (my interpretation), but it probably got more worse than better. my ex asked me if i was up to meeting up again (with no specific motive stated) and i agreed. the original idea raised was to meet halfway, but since my ex broke up i declined and said that it would need to be in my city and should feel free to contact me whenever that it possible, to which the ex responded that that hopefully could still be this year because it would be hard financially. a week later the ex suggests coming for a weekend at the end of october, which was much sooner than expected. so that was set up.

so is it evidently clear that my ex is trying to get back/testing the waters so to speak or am i reading to much into this and is this only meant as a way of distraction from her bad phase?

Move on

that doesnt answer my question.

i did move on and dated other people. i am simply open to see what happens as we really loved each other in the past & am just interested in knowing if i am reading this right..

She lives 6 hours away, broke up with you, suffering from depression, on a different page with respect to relationship experience/understanding. If you're considering going back to this, you havent moved on. Youve just dated other people.

still not an answer to the question at hand!

Come on man. The best answer is that she MIGHT want you back. At the end of the day, who cares if she does or she doesn't because she already left you once. Her reasons for wanting you back aren't going to be because of you directly but more because she knows what she has with you. At some point she is going to go back to the not being "in love" with you again.

So does she want you back? Maybe. Should you take her back? No, you should have some self respect and move on.

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I dont know your ex, and from what you wrote have no idea what type she is. I dont know what her "bad phase" is. I have no idea what your conversation was. She could want a distraction from her depression, or genuinely want to restart. She could just want to meet to ease her conscience for breaking up with you. She could want to meet because they guy she's sleeping with is not talking to her this week. I dunno, and the details you gave were so general I really couldnt take a guess. Heck, I dunno her age or why she broke up with you. Thats why my advice to move on, is because whatever the case you havent and need to.

No, it doesn't need to be said. This is a form of ego protection on your part. Her state is irrelevant. Women will often seem "crazy" to men they are pulling away from, while being cheerful around family and friends.

Translation: "I needed to reach out to my ex because I still like her".

Dude.

You need to let go of the armchair therapist shit,and the Debbie Downer vibes. If you are still attracted to your ex, meet with her and be the fun, chill guy.

That's it.

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I grew out of the dumb shit I used to say on here. Most of my posts don't represent who I am today at all.

You people need to understand that if it doesnt work the first time, it wont work the second either.

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theres a lot of bad feedback here which is based on unfounded assumptions.

@neo87- i have come to terms with the relationship being over a long time ago and never even raised a little finger to eve try to get back together again. that being said, i have no reason to boycott my ex, not to listen how things have changed, what she has learned since etc. that is what adults do- interact, converse and see if there is a basis. so i have no idea where this notion from you and other users is coming from that i want her back. i never said that. i am just curious to know what her agenda is. i am aware of the problems at hand, but i am not ruling out anything, i am just keeping my options open. i also find the myth funny that it never works the second time around...i actually have two couples as friends, one couple being married by now, that broke up at some stage and got back together and have stayed happy over years since. one cant generalize this sort of stuff in one direction or the other.

@jackzero- i am not aware what this issue has to do with self respect. there are break ups that involve cheating, manipulating- these would be examples where questions of respect come into play due to the wrong doing of the other side. it has nothing to do with self respect however, if the significant other is having serious issues or circumstantial issues lead to a break up. i wouldnt even claim that its an issue of self respect in cases where one side genuinely sees the mistake of breaking up and can lay out why it happened, why it shouldnthave happened and can explain what would be done differently going forward. i also had the situation once or twice where i regretted a break up and that had nothing to do with not having a better option etc. people and their perceptions can grow with time. bottom line: some of you are being far too black and white with this.

@arch stanton- your comment was the most far fetched. zero ego protection here. it is a given fact that she was in a substantial depression at the time that just got worse with time pertaining to issues that had zilch to do with the relationship. i also got to find out through family members that secretly got in contact with me after the break up, even up to this day, that things actually got worse later and where trying to motivate her to start a therapy to deal with the issues at hand.

your most absurd claim was that i needed to reach out because i still like her. dude, she still had my second mobile and she was supposed to send it back. after several months of patience i allowed myself to ask whether she could send it because i actually needed it. go figure. and there wasnt even a need to reach out, because if you had bothered to read the text, you would have realized that we already were in (sparse) contact. so no.

Help me out. Why did your girlfriend break up with you outside of not being "in love" with you? There was no mistake there unless you are saying that she was lying to you for the reason of the break up. My self respect wouldn't allow a girl that broke up with me because she wasn't "in love" with me to come back. My self respect wouldn't allow for me to come back because she had to find an excuse to break up. What can she explain to make you feel okay with the excuse of her not being in love with you in the future? Maybe I am black and white about things but at the end of the day you were not respected as the man in the relationship.

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@jackzero- first of all: talk of being "the man" or not being respected as "the man" do not resonate with me. i live in the year 2017 and see a relationship between two equal individuals with the same basic needs. these "manlyness issues" often come from people who are the most insecure about that very subject.

the reason for the break up was two fold: her depression reached a peak at that time and anyone who knows about this issue knows that it is a serious mental disease where individuals are unable to put their life in proper perspective. which is why any clinical psychologist will confirm that people are always advised to refrain from substantial decisions in phases of depression. the second reason was the "not feeling butterflies" aspect. part of that most definitely comes from the depression issue, but what also plays into this is lack of experience concerning long relationships. she is substantially younger and never had a relationship that exceeded 2 months. someone with that little life experience will never know that these "butterflies" will always fade with time whilst other aspects in a relationship will grow. so if you are expecting my to fault her for these circumstances, then i will most certainly not do that. my ego is big enough to understand that someone can be at a different stage in life and still needs to experience and learn things without me taking anything personal. it however is an entirely different question whether traing to be in a relationship with someone under these circumstances is a wise idea. but that never was the question at hand or the issue of this thread.

First of all: "the man" in the relationship isn't coming from a place of hierarchy. It's who you are in the relationship. If you think that I am criticizing your masculinity, then you've taken it the wrong way.What you have explained here is what you have interpreted through her explanation. She said she's not in love and you assume that it's from her depression. You think her age has something to do with it. You think her relationship experience has something to do with it. You think her life experience has something to do with it. All of those things can be true but at the same time all of those reasons can be protecting your ego and hopefully your ego isn't too big to understand that. Perhaps it's just as simple as she said...she wasn't in love with you.

I'd advise you to look into ROCD because you are dealing with someone that has mental health issues and check to see if what she has shown you in the past resonates with you. You can make all the excuses in the world for her but mental issues can make your life miserable. It's not your job to be her hero.

And FFS...who the fuck here knows if she wants you back? No one here knows her but if you treated her well, then she may want to come back and if she suffers from depression (especially ROCD) then she'll likely want to leave you again.

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Yes, depression is a real and serious condition. That's not up for debate. What is up for debate is your interpretation of it, and using it as a form of ego protection rather than facing the potential fact she may have fallen out of love with you (her own words) and lost attraction for you.


This is completely irrelevant. And honestly, it's reading as a form of ego protection for you. IE, "she couldn't possibly lose feelings for me...it has to be some outlying cause that clouded her judgement".

The fact that you keep returning to the depression point, and actually hammering it into the ground instead of analyzing what/how you showed up every day, also reads as denial.

When you show up as a man every day, fit, good in bed, fun, chill, the women in your life will not leave you-whether they are American, Japanese, nuns, born-agains, feminists, conservative, etc.

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