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Why were you putting effort into her? What did she do that made you out effort in?
Idk. I just liked the interactions with her more than I did with other people.
I made a different post in the day 2's subforum last week when she first started giving me the cold shoulder because I didn't understand what went wrong. You can read it
here. After this I laid low for 5 days and then I setup a phone call with her to ask her out. When she told me she was working every day this week, I asked if something changed for her since our last date. That is when she told me that she was too busy to be dating at this moment, and after that I realized that I got too attached to her.
So you got a touch of Onenittis and she bounced.
How do you control your attachment? The short answer is you don't, although I do concede there are a few things you can do to slow things down.
First, congrats on being able to attach to another human being; you aren't a sociopath/psychopath so that in and of itself is a good thing.
Second, human beings by very nature are designed to attach to others. The word "dependency" has gotten a bad rap over the years as we've been inculcated with the idea that relying upon one's self is 'best', pursuing personal endeavours at any cost (the 'get mine' mentality), and that leaning on others for support is a sign of weakness (this is especially true with males); sometimes referred to as rugged individualism (and there's much research on this subject).
Third, know your attachment style in romantic relationships. If you have an anxious pre-occupied style u'll be in for a bumpy ride, at least in the initial stages of getting to know someone. Such people are hyper sensitive to any sign of the other person abandoning them, so they'll often read-into situations and check-in with the person "everything ok?". If they don't receive the response they're hoping for (assurance that everything is 'ok'), then their attachment system gets activated and they may engage in various types of protest behavior that ends up pushing the other person away, thereby fulfilling the prophecy "I am unlovable", for example. Other forms of insecure attachment style are Ambivalent, and Disorganized. You can read more about attachment types here
http://www.psychalive.org/what-is-your- ... ent-style/.
So bringing this all together, and answering your question. Although you can't change your style over night, you can help minimize attaching early on by of course dating other people at the same time so you aren't spreading yourself thin, practicing various forms of meditation, journalling and taking note of any patterns and choosing to do the opposite, and/or refocusing on your own sense of purpose/goals.
This isn't an extensive list by any means. Things like putting more space between the person and you may be counterproductive if you have an anxious style as you may get caught-up in worry that the person is abandoning you. Being around them a lot, however, can create in the other person the perception and feeling of being smothered.
Ideally what you can do is that you can EARLY ON qualify the person to see if they'll be responsive to your attachment style. So, rather than say on the first date "I need someone who will check-in with me via text every few hours of the day so I know they're there", you can instead say "I really value relationships where both people are responsive to each others needs, and communication is free-flowing". Really, though, you don't even have to verbalize it, just demonstrate this to the person by seeing how they respond. If for example you want somebody that will text you that they're busy but will get back to you later after you've texted them asking a question, and this new person says "that's too much, I can't", well then there you know early on this probably won't work.
Once you identify your own attachment style in romantic relationships, it becomes far easier to see these characteristics in others, and it becomes a bit fun to qualify them along these lines early on. This way you aren't wasting your time, and you can usually tell quite early if they'll be a compatible fit or not, before you fall head over heels and signup up for something u'll live to regret.
I am currently dating a girl who has a secure attachment style, my default is anxious pre-occupied. My preset is to seek validation that things are going well - its what I'd learned growing up as a child and carried over into my adult relationships. So instead of ACTING on my fears, I do the opposite - for example, instead of texting her "everything ok?", I instead check-in with myself and ask "is everything ok with me?" and when the answer is "No!", I delve a bit deeper and realize this is my issue to take care of. It often takes more exploring such as asking myself "well why isn't everything ok?", and I may come-up with "She hasn't texted me all day!". I can then sit back and rationalize to myself that perhaps she's busy with work, family etc.. The key here is that in the short time I've known her, she hasn't done anything for me to reasonably doubt her, so instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop (as has been my expectation in my last relationship - and for good reason) I instead give her the benefit of the doubt and before long she's hitting me up "Where r u???" "When are we going to play?".
Attachment styles can change. For example my anxious style in the above scenario can change to a more secure attachment if the person I am in a relationship is secure. In the beginning I will have to do a lot of things opposite of what my attachment tells me (and let me tell you its work at times!), until eventually my behavior (and thinking) adapts to this healthy attachment figure. You certainly can heal through another HEALTHY person. Unless of course you don't do the work, allow your attachment style to take over and inevitably push them away.
CHAT
