I need help improving myself: Note this is extremely long but I've used this write up as a baseline for myself and venting helps. I realize I'm new and certain posters won't share their wisdom because of this, but if you do have time read up. English is not my primary language so there might be some weird word choices or broken sentences!

Introduction:

I'm a 41 year old male working in IT for 20 years, living in one of the major cities in Western Europe. I used to think I was decently good with woman, but in reality I'm not even at mediocre level. I fake it till I break and have being doing that for years. So much that I've started to believe it myself and my surroundings thinks it as well. Essentially I'm good a lying, deceit and being dishonest. Fuck...

When in reality I'm a pussy, I'm great at opening, talking to random people and initial attraction and I can hold the fake it to you make it with woman just above at or below my standards/value. The moment I meet a woman that I perceive to be above my level, the fake shield that I have drops and the chump in me reveals itself and it gets ugly real quick. I probably exaggerate with the levels, but you get the idea.

Why? I think because I never allowed myself to really open up to woman, I even have a hard time doing that with friends and family. Which leads to only dating woman for short periods of time, then bailing when one of us starts getting feelings or being dumped for not being able to reciprocate that to the one I'm seeing. I've been stuck in this pattern for over 15 years, using routines to get laid. I do however reach out emotionally when I feel I need to, which is about once a year...usually after failing to connect to someone I perceive to be way above my level.

Sad thing is it's always in the months March/April, April/May. I've had sexual relationships that last a year and these kinda of work since it's clear it's nothing more then that. Or as some will say here, she is more invested then me. Else I obviously fuck up. People that don't know me well think I'm cold, heartless, when in reality I'm not. I'm a kind guy, with a big heart, socially open but i don't allow myself much in those situations.

In work situations (forced to be social) people that get to know me, enjoy my company including woman and I'm perceived as a very social open person, always talking and laughing, with lots of passion, I seem to think I've got great humor when I don't I'm mildly funny if I want to. I'm a huge flirt and love teasing woman. I don't hookup at the workplace last years since I'm stuck in this mode and mental state that I am right now, missing out on what could be great dates / friendships let alone a relationship and roam dating sites.

I've been reading a lot of posts on these forums for some years, whenever I feel I need help with dating. When in reality I need help fixing myself and not combating issues, learning routines to pull, use tricks to get what I want(sex). Combating the symptoms instead of changing my core.

Why do I post this now? I've caught myself thinking that I've reached an age in which I wont be able to pull woman anymore that I desire. Turning point obviously was a woman I was pursuing and failed with, I'm not gonna lie I need to be honest with this for it to work.But this has been building up for the last 2 years. An age in which you begin to doubt the actions you have taken over the course of 20 years that has led up to where I'm currently at. I used to be successful in my work, always being one of the younger guys landing good jobs. I've made some crucial career mistakes over the years and I'm now working below my level. Hey! That sounds like my track record with woman...

I realize the true connection of being in the correct mind state to be able to juggle work/family/friends/woman successfully. Not the fake state of mind I've been rolling with for years now. But how do I do that, permanently? I need to constant work on myself.

Before being able to change I need to identify my mistakes and improve in those areas. What I already know is the following:

- Health.
- Work and career.
- Mental state (superficially).

There is probably a lot more that I can improve on but my fake it till I make it brain will override that. I also feel I need to be broken apart completely to be able to rebuild myself and be the best I can be. That's where I need help from people here, the breaking down will be easy once you also read my summary of dating. Yes there is much more epic-ness!

Background situation with woman

Age 16/17 and before.
I used to be a nice guy, friendly and open, spontaneous, having a few gf's in high school, in general girls loved to be around me but I was unaware they really liked me. I lost my virginity at 16 with one of the girls in my neighborhood. She pulled me, yes she was very promiscuous. This was in the time I was changing my personality and started leading a criminal lifestyle which resulted in ending school half year after loosing my virginity and getting in trouble with the law. At the same time I noticed a slight increase in attracting woman when in fact I had massive problems scoring. Why? I attracted the wrong crowd, girls going for bad boys and once they were in my sight I used to get needy, caring, loving. Girls sniff that from miles away and obviously ran for cover. Resulting in horrible dry spells. I.e. my behavior was not congruent with the image I portrayed, something you read a lot here. I never understood this and wasn't able to analyze myself until a few years ago.

age 21-24
Turned my life around at age 21, I realized I had to change, I didn't want to become a career criminal nor working non-challenging jobs. Luckily for me I always remained in touch with a circle of friends from my early teens that did continue to study and not engaging in non-law abiding activities. The bigger reason was I saw the effect my lifestyle had on my mother, who grew up in poverty and worked and studied all her life to be able to better her situation and being able to help the entire family and supporting her son (me). The moral and principals I was raised with literally saved me. I started to study again and landed an IT job during the golden period, skyrocketing my career. I was still horrid with woman, not being able to close unless the girl pulled the strings.

After studying, working and learning a lot I became valuable in the market and left the company. Time for something new, I landed a freelance job within a financial institution, youngest in the team and earning top top dollar. A young successful man, bursting with confidence and tailor made suites, this didn't go unnoticed. I got played by a girl and I fell for her...hard. She turned out to be bipolar (BPD) abused as a child by her cousin. She was 21, drop dead gorgeous, worked in a store close to my job and I saw her every day. Obviously this didn't go well, a relationship (mental rollercoaster) of a year and a half left very deep scares that I'm probably deep down still resolving. The same way she left her boyfriend to be with me, the same way I got played by her. She cheated on me the last months of our relationship, at least what I know of there might be more. I'll spare you the details of being with a BPD, it took me a year to recover a bit. During that time I left my job and didn't work for the first 6 months living from my savings. Drowning myself in pity, alcohol and drugs, I was a wreck. I needed to change...again. It took me 2 years to get her out of my system.

I started to workout with friends, this raised my confidence and I became addicted to the gym. I started to feel that woman were looking again at me, attraction, I was still recovering from her tho. I didn't let anyone into my heart or share feelings except for 2-3 friends I could talk to but they really didn't understand the effects of the relation I had. I forced myself into therapy.

26 - now.
After a year of not working, I was able to land a job. Again I landed a good job, lost weight, was looking fitter then ever and was in the correct state of mind. Or so I thought. I started to sarge a bit, I looked good, my mind was healthy, my dick hard and my heart was made of cement, turned out to be just a coating of cement, a shield. Pump and dump was the name of the game, I was in no way a don Juan, just a average Joe but I got my dick wet with pussy. That was all I was interested in, I had become the semi bad boy I wanted to be in my teens.

My game got better and after I switched companies I really exploded, literally. I worked at a company where 85% of the employees were woman, of which 75% were under the age of 26. This time I also started pulling at work and had several fuck buddies during my years there, I got the reputation I always wanted in my teens. Mind you never in relationships, just banging and banging them good, word got out and other girls started to get interested. Good times, no? Sure the first 3-4 years were a blast. Not really long term, some quality woman shied away from me not falling for my tricks and knowing I fucked around a lot and never got into serious relationship eventually hurt my chances with these woman, I think. I didn't give a fuck, I got laid.

Turned out I didn't fully recover and I stopped improving myself, got lazy, didn't care for my looks, how I dressed and didn't study. I got frustrated with my work and wanted to leave and I got the chance internally to do another job. I started to learn again, focusing on work, still getting laid due to what I had learned and I guess a bit on reputation. Until I broke down, I caved into the stress of the new job. And had to be on leave for 6 months, again I broke....again I had to change...again...after 6 months I went back to work. Stayed there another year and decided it was time to leave.

I left the company to go on a long vacation and see the world, I stayed away 1 year and came back. Had troubles finding work and after a few months I again landed a good paying job, but I was completely behind on tech and it showed. Luckily for me I was working with an ex-colleague that covered for me and made friends with another colleague, we still remain friends. They pulled me trough a rough situation and I'm thankful for that. Woman...still doing the same...still failing at building connections...couldn't pull at work anymore. Resorted to almost exclusively internet dating and then onenighters, during dry spells I fucked anything that had a pulse. Rollercoaster period with dating, some spree's then dry spells, then spree's again. The abundance mentality is real!

Again...I lost my job, no worries it was expected the contract didn't get extended and I knew this could happen as a freelancer. I had saved money so no worries, right? Wrong, I fell back again into lazy mode. Drunk and high all day long, not looking for work, not studying. Got my dick wet but the quality of woman was rapidly going down and dry spells longer. FFS, haven't I learned anything? Why am I self destructing each time, when I know what I have to do to turn it around. This time it only lasted 2 months and then I started working again.

Low point in life.

I didn't change, shortly after I started working at a company, below my level and under payed. Still making more then average but feeling like a chump, I could and should be doing a lot better!

No I shouldn't, I don't deserve it, haven't worked for it...acceptance. Acceptance without improving, 2 years later I find myself not improving, feeling old, lonely and not being able to pull unless the woman doesn't have a pulse or tons of baggage. An absolute low point...but I can still attract, I have a decent face that attracts and a confident posture. But my mental and physical state is pathetic and woman smell it and see it.

I've been able to pull some nice looking woman, some young ones (26-28) that later confess to me that they normally don't date chubby guy like me but I have a way with words it seems and once isolated I know how to get them into bed. It's only in times when I feel really good about myself that I can do that and those become rare.

But since last year I'm finding it incredible hard to even engage mid twenties girls, low 30's. Maybe I need to change demographic, young woman with small kids, separated woman, older woman. No! I need to change myself again. I'm not happy with myself and it effects my possibility to get laid. See how I'm not even talking about relationships, a bridge to far. Good movie.

It's a circle, lost confidence, no abundance mentality, I'm needy as fuck now. Realizing I'm 41 years old, with no kids, never a relationship longer then a year, when in fact its a sex relationship. I fear being alone, not having a healthy relationship having to resort exclusively to woman that I don't find attractive at all. I'm embarrassed with myself. And it shows...doesn't it? Yes it does...

Turn around point, 1 month ago, I attracted a hot female 32 years old, no kids, fun to talk to via a dating site. I let my mind get the better of me, putting her on a pedestal. I began to like her in my mind and managed to setup a date at my home, cooking dinner, which is my go to method for getting laid. Why? It's the only thing I know and can do.

Why didn't I invite her for drinks, casual fun, non threatening, short, you know being real. Alas I didn't, everything going well until 3 days before the date. I got needy as fuck and super insecure and she shit tested my neediness I failed. Gave me another shot and tested me again and I was out. Out this early goddammit why? No restoring my confidence, the big swing around. Forgetting everything I know, I ran havoc on her and got blown out of the water even before I got a change to really know her. Damn...

I was angry, not with her but with myself. How did I fuck this up in such a short time of space? How can I fuck up something that is handed to me on a plate. Why did I react that way to her? Looked up the forums again to see if I could remedy the situation with tricks. I failed hard and deleted her of my phone and stepped away from dating anyone.

I realized I had to change, the fault was within me. This was a result of letting myself go in a downward spiral the last years.

But I want more then that, I want to change, I want to be happy again with myself, I NEED TO CHANGE FOR GOOD. Once I do these things I'll find more woman and completely have forgotten about my failed endeavors.

This last bit I'm writing because I know I lost my shot, even setting up dates ffs. It's not even oneitis, it's air. How can air beat me up like this? Wtf is wrong with me?
It was the final straw I need to change, and I'm thankful for that. But I'm at the early stages, started to eat healthy, started studying again, the basics. But I need to change for good now, and I'm not able to do that myself. I need someone with experience that can analyze me and give me milestones and a road map.

I need to change my core and not patch up my symptoms. I know how to hide my symptoms and that is a bad way to change because ultimately it doesn't work. I need to NOT self destruct again, at my age I can't afford to lose more time, money, happiness and work. Am I bipolar? Do I have a disorder? I know I'm self destructive that's one thing I'm sure of. It's pretty obvious.

I know I can do the big part myself, health, looks and work. I've done it before, many times. But mentally I'm starting to believe I cant do this myself. Unless I get to the core of my problems and fix that. No more patching up.

Not sure how to post this since it's become a book work, but writing it down is a first step for me to change. Just like in work, you need insight in the current situation, clear defined goals where you want to go, to be able to make a road map to success.

Guess I'm doing the inventory part now while writing this.

Last two weeks I've started loosing weight and next week I'm doing an exam for certification. I'm trying, but it's not enough, I need to write, vent it, I need feedback.

Thank you for reading this rollercoaster and hopefully some wisdom comes back, and if not this will serve good for the younger crowd that you really need to change and not combat symptoms, that clearly doesn't work.

Flame away. Be relentless please.

It's great that you're coming to this realization, but you don't have any passions in life. What the fuck are you doing, man? You're just going through the motions, job after job, woman after woman, not knowing what it is you want in life and/or a relationship other than sex. You've concluded that you have to improve, and that is good, but just how much? I'll tell you that the more I personally improve, the more things I find to improve in, so don't use improvement as an excuse for not taking big bold fucking action. Your current mentality that you're not good enough yet and have to improve will hurt you in the long run. It's better to develop the mindset that you are improving right now by doing whatever it is that you're doing, taking big action, and feeling good in doing so. Whatever you do with your life, do it for yourself, not for girls. Girls are only fleetingly attracted to a guy's resume -- if you're going to improve your career etc, do it for you, not for a girl.

The other thing is that you are needy as fuck, and the goal isn't to "fix" it, but to make yourself vulnerable instead of trying your routines and all the fake alpha male bullshit. I highly recommend that you pick up and read Mark Manson's Models -- it sounds like you really need a paradigm shift in what it means to open up and be yourself in an authentic way.