Here is the quick story; I met this girl at a salsa class. I was very attracted to the way she moved and her body. We went out for a coffee once and dancing twice. When I was dropping her off from the second dance outing, I told her to leave the car, instead of kissing her. I found lots of pressure going in for the kiss. Also I tried hard to display value to her in the initial interaction, I was trying to be my best self, but I did not open up to myself in the interaction. Because she was attracted (I think, why else would she come out?), all the DHV games blew up in my face. The last time I saw her 3-months ago she gave me a big hug, and told me to call her. I could not even talk properly to her. In those three months I called her 3 times always getting an answering machine. Either she is not there, or she hates me. But I feel like I just want to leave her a message, just want to know if it’s over. That’s all. I would not mind a female friend though. So here is what I thought I would say the next time I get the answering machine. What you guys think?

Hi “salsa-girl”, This is “simpleshock” from Toronto Dance Salsa. Curious how you been and if you are still attending Salsa Lessons? I remember having lots of fun dancing with you, and would love to see you again. If you would like to get together for a cup of coffee and chat give me a shout at 234 234 2345. And if not, that’s okay too.

Now I think romantically it would be hard to patch things up. Mainly because I realized I need to improve my social skills and have a social circle/life. I need things to do and not be obsessed with one particular woman, the first one which shows interest in me. It is nice just to make a friend though, because obviously I can’t handle intimacy yet. Should I be more direct in my message as to just being friends, some kind of disqualifier I can throw in there?

Cheers,
SimpleShock

dude, read "the game"

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Walk Hard

Man, there is no need to patch things up. Just move on. find someone better. They are always out there, just waiting for someone like us.

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B-Sweet

When you are the prize, you are like a diamond. If you allow her to become the prize, you become a cubix zarconia.

I tell myself the same thing. But the feeling still lingers, of what could of been? Not knowing how to take her like I wanted. Having great times dancing and she turning me on so much. She was 28 and I was 24, her maturity was a turn on. I know my self-improvement/life-creation is the correct answer, its just hard to get it out of the system. But I think she will be my catalyst to propel me forward into getting the social life / ladies I always wanted.

I shall read The Game.

You should keep her as a friend if possible (and it's always possible if you word your apology right) to learn from the mistakes you've made. Also pivot her later on.

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afc-challenge-to-the-masters-social-anx ... 10108.html

No offense bud, but that's possibly the most AFC thing I have heard in a while and I have no problem saying this, cause on St.Patty's day after I had a few drinks, without eating anything but salad for several days (got drunk far faster than seemed possible) I told a girl that I was gonna miss her.

Luckily with this girl, we had been seriously talking about sex for 30min to an hour and so it didn't mess things up too much.

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"The 'Brick Walls' are there to allow you to prove how badly you want something!" ~ Randy Pausch

~ Rye

How about this (below)? It’s definitely not what the PUA community teaches. What do you mean use her as a pivot? Is that when one meets her friends?

“Hi “salsa-girl”, This is “simpleshock” from Toronto Dance Salsa. Just curious how you are been and if you are still attending Salsa Lessons? I remember having lots of fun dancing with you, and it is unfortunate how abruptly things ended, just wanted to say I really liked you but I did not know how to handle it. But if you like to get together as friends for a cup of coffee and a chit-chat give me a shout at 234 234 2345. And if not, that’s okay too.”
None taken bud, I want honesty. I don’t understand what is wrong with telling a girl you will miss her. If you like someone it’s only natural. You are human aren’t you?

The problem with telling a girl you will miss them is that it seems really needy. It's like saying, "You are the only good thing going on in my life, without you I'll be incomplete (Waha Wahaaaa!)" The idea is for her to realize how awesome you are and how much fun you have, then she'll WANT to be around you.

You are giving her way too much power, especially with the whole "And if not, that’s okay too." line. You are the man, start acting like it...

"Hey salsa-girl long time no see! I've been practicing my steps and I'm heading to _______ club to show off my moves. You should totally tag along it's going to be an AWESOME time! Call me at (number) to tell me what time to pick you up."

See how you are already going and having a great time? You are inviting her to share in your leetness, if she doesn't her loss. You also are assuming the close, of course she wants to go with you you're the fucking MAN!

I hope that clears things up a bit.

Yes this is perfect, but it has to be based on truth. What I did wrong is that I embellished this reality, when I did not have it. And it did work, she was interested, but when it came to intimacy, I pulled the shoot, I put way too much pressure on it. I realize that I need to get my own life in order before the women will want to come into it. And this is on all fronts, social, financial, recreational, etc.
I really like that frame, comes across as casual and fun, without any strings attached. I wanted sex out of this girl which attached me to the outcome and probably ruined the interaction quite a bit. As it put lots of pressured on myself.

That phrasing sounds really good, and I may just try it out, that’s if I would be able to setup a salsa-outing with some other girl/people. But don’t you think I should address the abrupt seizure of communication with her, over the last three months? I just was not ready to be more with her, even though I really wanted the sex. I understand I am playing recovery mode now, so I don’t even want to go there, just want to be friends at this point. Ahh this issue is getting way too complicated .

Great to hear all your suggestions, it clears up the madness for me. Thanks for all your help, I am glad for this community.

Cheers,
SimpleShock

If she doesn't bring up the lack of communication, then why should you? Live in the now. Plan for the future and learn from the past.

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"The 'Brick Walls' are there to allow you to prove how badly you want something!" ~ Randy Pausch

~ Rye

Interesting... I guess you are right.. leading the conversation into that territory would not benefit the relationship. I definitely learned so many lessons through this interaction. And next time I will be more confident about moving in for a kiss. And as lame as it sounds i miss that girly. I found her attractive, and I just let her go because of my stupid ego. A very foolish move. It is also because I do not have many girls in my life, something which will also need to change.

SimpleShock