Hello everyone,
Brace yourselves, wall of text coming. For those with the patience to digest this, I applaud and further ask for some suggestions/insight on what my major strategies should be (and if you agree with mine).
First of all, I searched some topics regarding my current problem (getting over an ex., inner game, leading others and leading an interesting lifestyle) but I believe I didn't find an answer that directly touches my problem, which relates to the topics I highlighted (every person is a unique snowflake, just like everyone else
). Apologies if I missed some obvious topic.
Background: somewhat of a stereotype you could say. Just finished a course on Computer Science. The final thesis namely. It was a stressing year with little time for myself. Working for the project almost daily, including weekends. Seldom were the breaks to go out Friday or Saturday nights, only to keep sane. But not enough time or adventure to "get out there", practice and do what I call "lubricating my social circles". For the most of these months, I was feeling confident and proud and had not burned out yet.
Met a woman through friends during that year. Started having coffees, some physical escalation during these events, and then going out. A couple of weeks after this, sex happens. A month and a week or two since meeting her, she asks to make it an official relationship. I concurred (perhaps too easily, could've thrown some jokes about the other girls getting sad about it
) but came clean with her: I was on some medicine to help with depression and sleeping and had problems in the past. Call me old-fashioned, but I behave like a gentleman and that was a position to do so. After all, if it was official, it would be wrong of me to not expose certain properties of mine. I was being honest about the product she was buying (me).
It was thus a year where I was dedicated (my path) to the course, and also some volunteering and the girl as well. It all went fine, but around the end of last year, I finally realized I pushed myself too hard and had a burn-out (tired and stressed, not in the mood for sex or anything else). This made some insecurities resurface. I realize this is not something a man should be on a regular basis. Further having to decide the next step for my life after the course added to the stress/nerves.
This decreased the attraction she felt for me. She started being cold. Still, she invited me to try out Yoga with her, first with a dinner party at the institution where she practices. I was always curious about trying this. On our way there, she was completely cold to me. Inside, she warmed up immediately as there were a lot of women eying me (not to sound like an arrogant prick but from what I gather from the looks I get on the street, I am not bad at all on the beauty scale. I know, I should be shamed for having good quality attributes and still asking for help on this topic of women). This pissed me off tremendously and I stopped returning any affections during the diner. Later she pulls me aside and asks whats wrong, and I put it assertively and shortly: "Cut the crap. Trying to mark territory? I like you but I feel the sweet girl that touched my heart is gone. If you're not attracted anymore just say so and we both won't waste our time". She said she still liked me. And for a few days, her behavior was back to normal.
I also tried out a class a couple of days later. And I very much enjoyed it. Five days later she broke up with me (we had sex two days before the break-up: it was awful sex because of me and I know it. I was completely out of focus. That's your body telling you about a burnout I guess. I figure this helped her decide to "jump boat"). When she broke up with me, she burst out crying and said she doubted she would find anyone who treats her as good as I did.
As I had sleep problems, dealing with emotional baggage was rather messy. Called her in the morning two days afterwards like a titanic chode. Had coffee with her two weeks later after that because I was confused about the situation (should've broken up myself after that dinner party. Where there's smoke there's fire eh?
) and needed to hear her directly saying she didn't love me anymore. She told me she did not love me anymore. Ok. Ceased contact with her since then, only to send her a message about a job opportunity for her (AFC, but I mean to be able to be on good terms with her as a friend. And I help my friends when they're in need).
Two months have passed, slowly dealing with it. Lack of sleep had a lot of influence on the recovery, but that is a subject not suited for this forum, I know
. A couple of days ago I was with a group of her friends, whom I also know. And despite possibly not being as close to them as she is, I met them before I met her. She called one of my best male friends in that group and wanted to come over where we were. But when she heard I was there, she apparently made some snarky remark like "oh he's hanging with MY friends now?".
Sad attitude on her part, but whatever, that's her problem. Sigh.
....
So: I am currently on the same yôga school as her (not having classes at the same time as as her) and I managed to figure out that I am there because I like the practice and not to be close to her. However, I do feel some ticks or unconscious reflexes from my part when I see her. I'm trying no-contact, only politely greeting her and talking with her if we're in the same room. What would you recommend, regarding her, to be able to convey a positive/confident frame of independence and being over her? I am assuming I will see her in the future, and I would like to be my best (at least as good as I was when I met her) self on those moments: not bothered by her, aloof about her, but at the same time not blatantly aggressive.
I do not know what the future holds, and I am also trying to avoid that my coping mechanism for dealing with her becomes hatred or resentment. I want it to be simply... Nothing.
I am trying to recenter myself: define my purpose and path again and keeping myself busy with activities that force me to meet people and learn new stuff (and potential cultural interchanges with female divisions of volleyball teams of scandinavian countries
) in order to become a better person and Man. Working at a tech startup which I find highly motivating. I believe that doing this, coupled with "getting out there", will be enough to get the ball with women going again, and, more importantly, my life getting on track again. This sub-question of my ex I believe will be solved as a branch of taking care of myself. Do you agree with what I say on this paragraph regarding my life and existence as a man? Suggestions are welcome.
Still, just because she's a woman and therefore is subject to emotional turmoil, doesn't make it acceptable that she has childish attitudes like the one I mentioned. What would you recommend for me to attain a state of total indifference regarding her and her presence? Follow my own advice and give other women the pleasure of my presence?
Sorry for the colossal bother. I will help you in return any way I can.
Regards.
CHAT
