how to deal with disrespect?



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falboe
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 7:08 am 
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When you're calm, go to the beach or something with her. A walk and a breeze will make your minds clear and is also romantic. She made the mistake, so she is the one that should apologize and say that it will never happen again.

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Eddie Fews
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 12:06 pm 
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Fews, I think you have a need for clarification. I'm not stating consequences aren't necessary. I, however, am not condoning a freeze-out period when 1) the person has offered an apology (assuming its genuine), and 2) he/she is willing to talk in which case it's a perfect opportunity to address what's happened. I'm not a believer in prolonging punishment to make a point, that to me reeks of insecurity and only serves to escalate feelings of anxiety in the relationship. This long-term never works, it undermines the needs for security/safety and trust in the relationship. It's opportunistic and only perpetuates unconscious patterns of behavior, THIS is why I am in strong opposition to your advice to going cold on his partner for a few days.

This isn't some fly-by-night relationship (presumably), nor somebody he's trying to earn a fast lay from. He has to deal with the potential fall-out to this (you, or I don't until we choose to refresh the browser window and see the updates to this situation), when instead he can use it as an opportunity to foster growth for the relationship.
Let me just say; I'm hard on you because I've watched you go from giving decent advice, to trolling, to saying ridiculously belittling things to other members of the forum. And to me that would suggest that you have a lot more healing to go through before you can think of giving anyone advice on issues that are still damaging you. You are highly intelligent and I have no doubt that your past relationship would provide you with a lot of answers that will be helpful to members, but I am of the strong belief that it is far too soon. The scars are too fresh and haven't had time to heal yet. You're attempting to remove a cast and walk on a bone that hasn't been restored yet. I've been where you are; time and time again. And in response I've taken on similar behavior. Thats behind me noid. And I'm unsure that you understood the nature of my advice. The wording could of thrown you off; and I'm comfortable agreeing to disagree on this matter. But as an intelligent being, I'd take advice from someone currently in a healthy relationship before I took that of someone who was recently damaged by a relationship. Maybe when the damaged person has recovered and entered a new relationship; showing that they can now function properly after their past experience. But not now. Not this quickly.. I just don't believe that to be wise.

Now to the OP

Like I told you in your PMs, as the man you must take full responsibility for this relationship. This is all your fault. She's only doing things like this because she was allowed to get away with smaller things in the past. Without much consequence or repercussion. And what do people do when you give them a foot? They take a mile.

I understand your anger, but you should be more anger at yourself for even allowing things to get to this point.

A king can never blame his citizens for the downfall of a relationship. He must take the wrap. Barack Obama can't come out and blame the US citizens for the downfall of the economy. Sure he inherited a tough situation but he must take the blame because he CHOOSE to be selected to make things better. Just image if he came out and said " The american people are mentally fucked; this is the reason the country is going to shit; there was nothing I could do " - Could you imagine? lol Leaders aren't allowed to point finger; if they take on a situation they understand that they are responsible for the situation. Now of course sometimes we bite off more than we can chew; but no one made us BITE it other than our selves.

Currently she doesn't respect you. And that respect isn't just going to return because you WANT it to. You need time to evaluate your situation. And that time needed is almost always one day longer than we feel we need it. Imagine if when growing up, our parents put us on punishment and that immediately take us off the punishment the moment we sincerely apologize. Imagine if our court system let everyone out of jail instantly when they sincerely apologized.. No one would RESPECT the law.

There is no perfect method, and I believe my method will allow you time to rethink your situation, show your girlfriend how it would feel for you not to be around, and show that your emotionally strong enough to stand apart from her. You've been leaning on her emotionally and thats obvious. Women always behave this way when guys do as you did above.

If you have any specific questions. Ask me and I will get you the answers.

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neo87
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 12:52 pm 
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Maybe I'm reading this thread wrong, but why are you guys encouraging OP to ignore red flags? Girl goes out 2x and gets wasted. One of those times was after OP talked to her and said he was hurt. I'd suspect alot more than disrespect is going on here. Then I read the OP's other threads on this girl. Seems like not a girl you can trust tbh.
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n2thevoid
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 4:33 pm 
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Fews, I think you have a need for clarification. I'm not stating consequences aren't necessary. I, however, am not condoning a freeze-out period when 1) the person has offered an apology (assuming its genuine), and 2) he/she is willing to talk in which case it's a perfect opportunity to address what's happened. I'm not a believer in prolonging punishment to make a point, that to me reeks of insecurity and only serves to escalate feelings of anxiety in the relationship. This long-term never works, it undermines the needs for security/safety and trust in the relationship. It's opportunistic and only perpetuates unconscious patterns of behavior, THIS is why I am in strong opposition to your advice to going cold on his partner for a few days.

This isn't some fly-by-night relationship (presumably), nor somebody he's trying to earn a fast lay from. He has to deal with the potential fall-out to this (you, or I don't until we choose to refresh the browser window and see the updates to this situation), when instead he can use it as an opportunity to foster growth for the relationship.
Let me just say; I'm hard on you because I've watched you go from giving decent advice, to trolling, to saying ridiculously belittling things to other members of the forum. And to me that would suggest that you have a lot more healing to go through before you can think of giving anyone advice on issues that are still damaging you. You are highly intelligent and I have no doubt that your past relationship would provide you with a lot of answers that will be helpful to members, but I am of the strong belief that it is far too soon. The scars are too fresh and haven't had time to heal yet. You're attempting to remove a cast and walk on a bone that hasn't been restored yet. I've been where you are; time and time again. And in response I've taken on similar behavior. Thats behind me noid. And I'm unsure that you understood the nature of my advice. The wording could of thrown you off; and I'm comfortable agreeing to disagree on this matter. But as an intelligent being, I'd take advice from someone currently in a healthy relationship before I took that of someone who was recently damaged by a relationship. Maybe when the damaged person has recovered and entered a new relationship; showing that they can now function properly after their past experience. But not now. Not this quickly.. I just don't believe that to be wise.

Now to the OP

Like I told you in your PMs, as the man you must take full responsibility for this relationship. This is all your fault. She's only doing things like this because she was allowed to get away with smaller things in the past. Without much consequence or repercussion. And what do people do when you give them a foot? They take a mile.

I understand your anger, but you should be more anger at yourself for even allowing things to get to this point.

A king can never blame his citizens for the downfall of a relationship. He must take the wrap. Barack Obama can't come out and blame the US citizens for the downfall of the economy. Sure he inherited a tough situation but he must take the blame because he CHOOSE to be selected to make things better. Just image if he came out and said " The american people are mentally fucked; this is the reason the country is going to shit; there was nothing I could do " - Could you imagine? lol Leaders aren't allowed to point finger; if they take on a situation they understand that they are responsible for the situation. Now of course sometimes we bite off more than we can chew; but no one made us BITE it other than our selves.

Currently she doesn't respect you. And that respect isn't just going to return because you WANT it to. You need time to evaluate your situation. And that time needed is almost always one day longer than we feel we need it. Imagine if when growing up, our parents put us on punishment and that immediately take us off the punishment the moment we sincerely apologize. Imagine if our court system let everyone out of jail instantly when they sincerely apologized.. No one would RESPECT the law.

There is no perfect method, and I believe my method will allow you time to rethink your situation, show your girlfriend how it would feel for you not to be around, and show that your emotionally strong enough to stand apart from her. You've been leaning on her emotionally and thats obvious. Women always behave this way when guys do as you did above.

If you have any specific questions. Ask me and I will get you the answers.
I agree, I am still very much in the healing process. That said, I've had several healthy relationships in the past (including a 7 year relationship of which the person is still in my life as a close friend 8 years beyond) and I am speaking to those experiences re authenticity. That said, going through the 'throws' of a toxic relationship doesn't presuppose that a person is in no place to give "healthy" advice on similar matters other people may be experiencing. Belittling comments? Sometimes. Yep. I, like anyone else can let my ego do the talking, but I choose to invoke it, there's intentionality behind it; I can transcend it at my choosing, my ego, nor mind controls me. Does that make me any less authentic? No. That's just one facet of me. You're essentially saying that there isn't enough proximity between me and this relationship I got out of 5 months ago and therefore this renders my ability to offer sound advice regarding the situation the OP is experiencing (respect). But that's being a bit myopic seeing as I am telling him what had worked for me in the past, and had fallen by the wayside 4-5 months into my previous relationship. I m not quite sure you've been where I've been relationship wise (without getting into the details) to be perfectly honest with you. Regardless, if anything I think that proximity I have to my last relationship makes me equally, if not more so qualified to speak on the matter. With all due respect your response to me smacks of face-saving and I understand your intent. You're running a business of sorts and you're trying to maintain your integrity. You're right, however, we do have different opinions on the matter.

A lot of my opinions are experiential and based in the 'literature' , and are not anecdotally based or on some cockamamie PUA theory. At any rate this has been a detour from the OP's thread, and I'm content with where things are at in elucidating where I am coming from. The OP, and others, can make their own minds up on the utility of the advice being given.
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Eddie Fews
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 5:11 pm 
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Fews, I think you have a need for clarification. I'm not stating consequences aren't necessary. I, however, am not condoning a freeze-out period when 1) the person has offered an apology (assuming its genuine), and 2) he/she is willing to talk in which case it's a perfect opportunity to address what's happened. I'm not a believer in prolonging punishment to make a point, that to me reeks of insecurity and only serves to escalate feelings of anxiety in the relationship. This long-term never works, it undermines the needs for security/safety and trust in the relationship. It's opportunistic and only perpetuates unconscious patterns of behavior, THIS is why I am in strong opposition to your advice to going cold on his partner for a few days.

This isn't some fly-by-night relationship (presumably), nor somebody he's trying to earn a fast lay from. He has to deal with the potential fall-out to this (you, or I don't until we choose to refresh the browser window and see the updates to this situation), when instead he can use it as an opportunity to foster growth for the relationship.
Let me just say; I'm hard on you because I've watched you go from giving decent advice, to trolling, to saying ridiculously belittling things to other members of the forum. And to me that would suggest that you have a lot more healing to go through before you can think of giving anyone advice on issues that are still damaging you. You are highly intelligent and I have no doubt that your past relationship would provide you with a lot of answers that will be helpful to members, but I am of the strong belief that it is far too soon. The scars are too fresh and haven't had time to heal yet. You're attempting to remove a cast and walk on a bone that hasn't been restored yet. I've been where you are; time and time again. And in response I've taken on similar behavior. Thats behind me noid. And I'm unsure that you understood the nature of my advice. The wording could of thrown you off; and I'm comfortable agreeing to disagree on this matter. But as an intelligent being, I'd take advice from someone currently in a healthy relationship before I took that of someone who was recently damaged by a relationship. Maybe when the damaged person has recovered and entered a new relationship; showing that they can now function properly after their past experience. But not now. Not this quickly.. I just don't believe that to be wise.

Now to the OP

Like I told you in your PMs, as the man you must take full responsibility for this relationship. This is all your fault. She's only doing things like this because she was allowed to get away with smaller things in the past. Without much consequence or repercussion. And what do people do when you give them a foot? They take a mile.

I understand your anger, but you should be more anger at yourself for even allowing things to get to this point.

A king can never blame his citizens for the downfall of a relationship. He must take the wrap. Barack Obama can't come out and blame the US citizens for the downfall of the economy. Sure he inherited a tough situation but he must take the blame because he CHOOSE to be selected to make things better. Just image if he came out and said " The american people are mentally fucked; this is the reason the country is going to shit; there was nothing I could do " - Could you imagine? lol Leaders aren't allowed to point finger; if they take on a situation they understand that they are responsible for the situation. Now of course sometimes we bite off more than we can chew; but no one made us BITE it other than our selves.

Currently she doesn't respect you. And that respect isn't just going to return because you WANT it to. You need time to evaluate your situation. And that time needed is almost always one day longer than we feel we need it. Imagine if when growing up, our parents put us on punishment and that immediately take us off the punishment the moment we sincerely apologize. Imagine if our court system let everyone out of jail instantly when they sincerely apologized.. No one would RESPECT the law.

There is no perfect method, and I believe my method will allow you time to rethink your situation, show your girlfriend how it would feel for you not to be around, and show that your emotionally strong enough to stand apart from her. You've been leaning on her emotionally and thats obvious. Women always behave this way when guys do as you did above.

If you have any specific questions. Ask me and I will get you the answers.
I agree, I am still very much in the healing process. That said, I've had several healthy relationships in the past (including a 7 year relationship of which the person is still in my life as a close friend 8 years beyond) and I am speaking to those experiences re authenticity. That said, going through the 'throws' of a toxic relationship doesn't presuppose that a person is in no place to give "healthy" advice on similar matters other people may be experiencing. Belittling comments? Sometimes. Yep. I, like anyone else can let my ego do the talking, but I choose to invoke it, there's intentionality behind it; I can transcend it at my choosing, my ego, nor mind controls me. Does that make me any less authentic? No. That's just one facet of me. You're essentially saying that there isn't enough proximity between me and this relationship I got out of 5 months ago and therefore this renders my ability to offer sound advice regarding the situation the OP is experiencing (respect). But that's being a bit myopic seeing as I am telling him what had worked for me in the past, and had fallen by the wayside 4-5 months into my previous relationship. I m not quite sure you've been where I've been relationship wise (without getting into the details) to be perfectly honest with you. Regardless, if anything I think that proximity I have to my last relationship makes me equally, if not more so qualified to speak on the matter. With all due respect your response to me smacks of face-saving and I understand your intent. You're running a business of sorts and you're trying to maintain your integrity. You're right, however, we do have different opinions on the matter.

A lot of my opinions are experiential and based in the 'literature' , and are not anecdotally based or on some cockamamie PUA theory. At any rate this has been a detour from the OP's thread, and I'm content with where things are at in elucidating where I am coming from. The OP, and others, can make their own minds up on the utility of the advice being given.
I'm not sure where I attempted to save face. In all honesty; I was offering you a way out. You've challenged my advice on this forum two times prior, in which both cases you were silenced. And I'm not sure this time would be any different. The third time is the charm.

I've said what I have to say, and if you want to make further elaborate on why you disagree with what I'm saying.. I'd be glad to have the conversation continue. But I'd personally advise you to continue piggy backing on the rest of the advice I give like usual.

*balls in your court*

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n2thevoid
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 9:33 pm 
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I'm not sure where I attempted to save face. In all honesty; I was offering you a way out. You've challenged my advice on this forum two times prior, in which both cases you were silenced. And I'm not sure this time would be any different. The third time is the charm.

I've said what I have to say, and if you want to make further elaborate on why you disagree with what I'm saying.. I'd be glad to have the conversation continue. But I'd personally advise you to continue piggy backing on the rest of the advice I give like usual.

*balls in your court*
This is all ego, and I don't take it as an honest representation of who you are as a person. I'm not interested in a dick measuring contest to be perfectly blunt, and I can clearly see that what I had said has struck a nerve within you. You can take it as you "winning", I'm not attached to this so that's totally cool. Ego begets ego and is a sure way to delve further into unconsciousness, something I'm not interested in doing. Proof positive of this is exactly how this has become about you and I, less so the OP's situation. At the end of the day its pointless as one opinion can never 'beat-out' another - they are just opinions on how to deal with a situation so I choose not to attach my sense of self to them.

We can agree to disagree. I do often agree with your advice, and at other times I don't and remain silent. I will interject if I think what's being stated may be harmful to the situation and or people involved.

I think it'd be in the best interest to us, and those of the forum if we help people in need rather than engage in attacking one another. I'm sure you agree.
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Eddie Fews
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 10:51 pm 
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I'm not sure where I attempted to save face. In all honesty; I was offering you a way out. You've challenged my advice on this forum two times prior, in which both cases you were silenced. And I'm not sure this time would be any different. The third time is the charm.

I've said what I have to say, and if you want to make further elaborate on why you disagree with what I'm saying.. I'd be glad to have the conversation continue. But I'd personally advise you to continue piggy backing on the rest of the advice I give like usual.

*balls in your court*
This is all ego, and I don't take it as an honest representation of who you are as a person. I'm not interested in a dick measuring contest to be perfectly blunt, and I can clearly see that what I had said has struck a nerve within you. You can take it as you "winning", I'm not attached to this so that's totally cool. Ego begets ego and is a sure way to delve further into unconsciousness, something I'm not interested in doing. Proof positive of this is exactly how this has become about you and I, less so the OP's situation. At the end of the day its pointless as one opinion can never 'beat-out' another - they are just opinions on how to deal with a situation so I choose not to attach my sense of self to them.

We can agree to disagree. I do often agree with your advice, and at other times I don't and remain silent. I will interject if I think what's being stated may be harmful to the situation and or people involved.

I think it'd be in the best interest to us, and those of the forum if we help people in need rather than engage in attacking one another. I'm sure you agree.
lol. you're multiple internet personalities amuse me.. But I can agree with your conclusion. Cya around bud.

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Versalis
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 11:17 pm 
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Maybe I'm reading this thread wrong, but why are you guys encouraging OP to ignore red flags? Girl goes out 2x and gets wasted. One of those times was after OP talked to her and said he was hurt. I'd suspect alot more than disrespect is going on here. Then I read the OP's other threads on this girl. Seems like not a girl you can trust tbh.
I'm saying you can't change a 28 year old woman with "freeze outs". It's a waste of time. Either OP wants to be with this girl or he doesn't.

And he needs to stop being emotionally tied to her actions. This strikes me as a highly co-dependent relationship.

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n2thevoid
PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2014 4:06 am 
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I'm not sure where I attempted to save face. In all honesty; I was offering you a way out. You've challenged my advice on this forum two times prior, in which both cases you were silenced. And I'm not sure this time would be any different. The third time is the charm.

I've said what I have to say, and if you want to make further elaborate on why you disagree with what I'm saying.. I'd be glad to have the conversation continue. But I'd personally advise you to continue piggy backing on the rest of the advice I give like usual.

*balls in your court*
This is all ego, and I don't take it as an honest representation of who you are as a person. I'm not interested in a dick measuring contest to be perfectly blunt, and I can clearly see that what I had said has struck a nerve within you. You can take it as you "winning", I'm not attached to this so that's totally cool. Ego begets ego and is a sure way to delve further into unconsciousness, something I'm not interested in doing. Proof positive of this is exactly how this has become about you and I, less so the OP's situation. At the end of the day its pointless as one opinion can never 'beat-out' another - they are just opinions on how to deal with a situation so I choose not to attach my sense of self to them.

We can agree to disagree. I do often agree with your advice, and at other times I don't and remain silent. I will interject if I think what's being stated may be harmful to the situation and or people involved.

I think it'd be in the best interest to us, and those of the forum if we help people in need rather than engage in attacking one another. I'm sure you agree.
lol. you're multiple internet personalities amuse me.. But I can agree with your conclusion. Cya around bud.
I'm multifaceted, what can I say.
;)
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