Hi guys,

Long story short - out of a long term relationship, enjoying my life, going out on dates, everything going really well. WELL, there's a but. My ex, who I strongly dislike, not because she broke up with me but because after we broke up I moved out out of our apartment to give her some space and she had a guy over where my stuff was still there and it was just a temporary thing (I was moving back in the following week and she was supposed to move back with her parents). That to me was the moment when I realised I was better off ( and I really am) and moved on.

Let me get to the issue. She is sick and has been in hospital for over a week now. I sent her a get well text but that was over a week ago. A lot of my clients are our mutual acquaintances who would know of the whole situation. I am worried that they might think of me as a dickhead who just don't care about the poor girl who he's been going out with for 5 years. Other then my closest friends - I haven't told anybody about the guy in the apartment situation.

Personally, I don't care (as harsh as it is) but I am worried this might affect my professional image. I am trying to decide wether to make the effort and visit her for the sake of it, just to prevent any potentially negative assumptions being formed, or should I not engage at all. What made it worse is that my mum contacted her today after finding out she was in hospital. Now I have my parents telling me how cruel and ruthless I am because I simply don't care.

Should I or shouldn't I worry about my professional image based on this?

Your reason for "hating" her is sort of petty. You broke up and moved out to give her space. She used that space and did what she wanted with it. If you didn't want to have other guys around your stuff then you should have moved your stuff. IMO, your hate is misplaced and you're probably lying to us or yourself on why you hate her.

If you don't want to visit her then don't do it. You're broken up and because other people think that you should care to go visit your ex in the hospital don't get to make that decision for you. Rational people know that she's an ex and unless you have kept a friendship after the relationship there is no expectations from you in this situation.

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@Jack I don't think it's petty at all. When we broke up she said she needed space away from everyone to sort her head out, that she wasn't interested in other people and needed to figure out her shit. I offered to give her 2 weeks to figure herself out in the apartment that I was moving back to at the end of that time. I would imagine that's a pretty decent thing to do for your ex.

Now out of the blue, about a week from the break up I find out a guy was there. I confront her about it, probably shouldn't have, and she denies it at first to then texts me 30 min later to say she had a guy over but nothing happened. Don't think being lied to and overusing somebody's trust and good intentions is petty at all. Hatred is a strong word - more so I just don't want to be around that kind of person or have anything to do with her.

Back to the advice - thanks. That's what I thought but wanted to get an objective opinion.

Do you care more about behaving completely aligned with how you feel, or do you care more about professional opportunities and the relationships with your clients?

This really all boils down to a personal choice based on values and priorities.

The fact that you're actually worried about how your professional image may be affected tell me that you need to do something about it. Do whatever aligns most with your values and desires and just let go of the alternative option(s).

To be perfectly honest - I get paid well, I just don't want to potentially lose 2-3 clients over something irrelevant like this. My personal feelings are way more important, I wouldn't enjoy what I do if I weren't happy.

The reason I answered the way that I did is because of the forum theme that has been running over the last few months. This has been another variation of the exact same story and the words anger and hatred are thrown out a lot. The problem I have is that you have misplaced anger for the "why" in why you won't visit. I'd be pissed to because she lied about needing space. She lied about not having anyone there. Now she is lying about nothing happening with the guy she had over(at least it's more than likely she is lying).

No man in his right mind would leave his ex girlfriend his place so she could clear her head unless there was some motivation behind it. More than likely, that motivation was reconciliation. Instead, she returned disrespect and outright betrayal.

The use of the word petty is because of how you explained this. A guy was in your place with your stuff. If nothing was stolen, then the issue is petty. If you suspect she had sex with that guy or even made out with him, I can understand the reason by the anger behind it.

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I have noticed the theme you are talking about and I agree. I shouldn't have used the word hatred as I don't really hate her, in fact I am looking back at the 5 years as a great experience. Yes, my reason behind giving her that space was clearly reconciliation. What I am angry about is that she lied and tried to wiggle her way out of it. Never even apologised. I do not believe or care if something happened, it's just shocking that a person you've been with for such a long period of time AND somebody who you trusted could lie so blatantly.

Nothing was stolen (as far as I can tell) but shit definitely happened. Guy was there, he was naked, he'd be an idiot if he didn't make it happen.

This is completely off topic, I do feel bad for her as her health has fallen apart but I don't feel the need to be involved. It's not my place to do so anymore.

I don't know why you'd send a text saying get well and NOT go to the hospital. I mean, I dont get it, if I didnt care whether she got well I wouldnt text her, and if I did care enough to text, I'd stop by especially if i were concerned about other people's opinion. Thats why I'm confused...if you dont care if she gets better, fine...but then if you feel like it can jeopardize you professionally, why not just go? It sounds more like its not that you don't care, its that you DON'T WANT to go....2 different things.

An analogy...Its like if I don't care about the issue of reproductive rights...well if there was a professional benefit to going to a pro choice rally, I'd just go: I dont care. If however it is a question of my principles, then you'd have to question that I'm against pro choice. Hope that makes sense. It sounds more like if there is a question of not going, its you dont want to go for a reason. Which is different from not caring.

But anyways, if you dont want to, just dont go. People are pretty smart. If I was your business partner and I knew you were a good dude, and I heard you didnt visit your ex in the hospital, I may see it as wow she must have really done something bad to him because he's a great guy. But I prob wont care because thats your personal life, and I cant judge you from one action. But people are different. Up to you. Either way, if its keeping you up at night, I'd just go to the hospital for a few minutes...if you really care what people think of your personal life.

Perfect analogy. This is exactly what I was trying to get at when I mentioned the "why" in why you don't want to go.

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@Neo are you a psychologist? I mean every time you gave me advice it just makes it so clear. I do care, I just don't want to go. I don't want to be in a position where she might think I haven't moved on from her and that I am chasing her. Especially that I did that after the break up and not only did it backfire but made it almost impossible to move on.

This is private life and it's got nothing to do with my professional career. Therefore I decided not to go. I can only influence people's opinion on me by direct actions towards them and like you said, they're clever enough to know what kind of guy I am.

This isn't that deep or complicated.

Not to mention.. I would think of you as more a dick if you went to see her only to protect your professional image when you don't actually give a fuck about her. Hell, I wouldn't want someone selfishly visiting me just to protect themselves. Thats way more asshole than just being honest and real with yourself.

She made her bed, and now she's lying in it. Thats part of life.. She's down now, you were with her and so now you feel like you're owe her something. You don't owe her or anyone a thing. Just imagine if right after the break up the opposite happened and she hit the lottery for a billion dollars. You would probably want to selfishly pay her a visit then too, but the nobel thing to do would be to let her have it and continue on with your life.

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In all honesty most people run their businesses the same way they run their love lives. In the sense that they will do whatever is necessary to please the other party, be it the client or the girlfriend, with no regard to their own self. I can't respect that.

I understand courtesy, and formalities, and they have their place right up until they become ass kissing. That being said, I would never do something - particularly something I don't want to do, just for the sake of how it would look like to my clients. Because simply put, my clients can go fuck themselves if they base our business relations on whether or not I visit my ex in the hospital. I mean seriously, who does that?

You shouldn't sell your soul.

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On point there guys, thanks.

She actually contacted me last night while I was out, completely out of the blue. She asked how I was and mentioned my mum was in touch then asked some questions. Answered shortly. Then she text me again. Friends I was with said she's probably trying to rekindle. I only replied saying "hope you're out of there soon" making sure she doesn't get the wrong idea.