I NEED HELP WITH HOW TO TAKE THIS

anyway, my girlfiend and i split up somewhere near the backend of last year. it was simply because my attitude was a bit gay, and im always playing (the wrong kind of) mind games and stuff. we never stopped liking each other, we just argued a bit. arguing WAS our "thing" and a lot of the time it was in jest but i basically got carried away too many times.

she went away for 4 months and came back recently. since she came back we'd been out in a large group maybe once, but not really spoke. i also found out she had a boyfriend, and thats when i started to question all of those little feelings (such as "no way we have a connection, we're made for each other, she's the one etc"). then at a friend's house party the other week (i still hadnt spoken to her in months) i just decided to be nice. and i had the tinyest bit of "our" kind of banter with her and one of my friends, and i knew she loved it but at the same time was well confused that i wasnt being a jealous ex-bf and kicking off or something.

anyway, i left the party early with my friends to drop them in town. i wasnt going out. most other people were. then when i was in the house she rang me. i was well surprised, but kind of half expected it. but what i was expecting was her to say something along the lines of "so youve heard that ive got a boyfriend?"

no no, this is what i got:

her: ive got myself in a horrible situation
me: i know
her: my heads fucked up etc etc etc
...
....
her: its me coming to your house, its you sitting on your computer chair, its me sitting on your knee.

(thats the kind of thing we used to do as boring as it seemed but it was great. it was us.)

she was basically saying she'd thought she was over it but shes not been able to stop thinking about it. sometimes she doesnt think about me but then lots of the time she does. many, many people (who i know and she will see from time to time) make her remember many nights out, and even if i was a dickhead, she just remembers how good the night still was (a lot of the reason why we'd argue was when i wanted sex too much - hah! - so it was always at the end of the night).

anyway, i ended up going to meet her outside the club that she and all my mates were at. she hadnt gone in yet.

anyway, as soon as she got in the car, almost everything was forgotten about and it just turned into me and her having a laugh (because thats what we're like). first thing i said (in a sort of authorative way) was "get your seat belt on then!" and she was back-chatting. we were basically bouncing off each other, and then she was like "oooh where you taking me?" half in a sort of kidnapping way, but also neglecting the fact that what we're doing is certainly not meant to be a funny thing.

however, after a minute or two of laughing she kind of started to cry. or at least she had tears in her eyes. thats when i instantly pulled over, and gave her a hug because i knew she needed one. she then leant over to my side of the car and i held her for a bit, and then for the following 45-60mins we were back to us. we were literally back together for that time.

she was kissing me (not like full on kissing but the way we used to kiss as a couple in my room and whatnot). she was holding and rubbing my hand the whole time, we were kissing each others necks and playing with each others hair, simply because thats the things we do.

the jist of the conversation was the pair of us sort of catching up if anything, trading stories, and only every so often would we "tackle" the issue.

for example, i told her about when i found out about her boyfriend. which i remember killed me but i told the story in a way as if it was...not funny, but sort of pathetic and meaningless. and i could tell she was well surprised but almost impressed(?) at how i was going about everything.

a few things she definitely said, included:

"i THOUGHT i liked him"
"i'm not comfortable with him, i'm comfortable right now with you here"
"it feels so wrong being here but so right"

because lets not forget, she was essentially "cheating on her boyfriend"

anyway, i dropped her back off at the club, and she gave me a kiss goodbye as if i was dropping her off home after being at my house. and then she said "are you sure you dont want to come in". i didnt go in. i told her to sort her head out (in a joking way but serious) and i went home happy.

and that must have been the worst thing i could do, because since then, she's basically done that thing girls do and convinced herself that it was not that big of a deal. she definitely doesnt think she cheated on her boyfriend (which i might add is one of her biggest hates). she keeps saying "im with him, i dont know what you want me to say".a mixture of things like this, so i dont know how to take it. all i know is that if ANY SINGLE PERSON saw us in my car on that friday then we would not be in this situation now. and if he knew im sure he wouldnt be with her.

but then she says "so do you want me to tell him then?" which i dont because i know she'll play it down to him completely and i'll look like a tool.

this might well sound like one-itis but believe me its not like im trying NOT to accept it being over. youd all understand if you knew (but i suppose everyone says this hah).

appreciate anybody reading this. cheers.