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I just want to know where I fucked up for future reference.
Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm not trying to insult you, but give you the advice you asked for. I think that you came across as needy and when you kept telling her how she was being mean and you weren't going to talk to her if she didn't change, she saw you as whiney.
I've been there too; I had a girlfriend that has some serious psychological issues and she's completely afraid of relationships not working out, so she always sabotages them. When she started flaking on me, even though I knew she was still highly attracted and we'd been together for a few weeks and slept together several times, I tried to basically impliment a 3 strike rule. It was the wrong course of action and only made the situation worse, especially with the talk of not being with her if she didn't stop flaking and acting weird; that just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and it always come about, EVERY single time someone brings it up.
With girls that are really keen on it, then teasingly using the reward and punishment system works, but if you are trying to use it in a serious manner on a girl that isn't behaving the way you want, then either you have to completely not care about be utterly congruent with it, in which case you're basically just using the girl and don't have any real feelings for her, or you need to take a completely different approach. Reward and punishment don't work with people that you actually care about, it isn't congruent and generally they'll just tell you to fuck yourself, or fulfill the requirements you laid out for ending things, either consciously or subconsciously.