Hi,

first of all,
thanks for clicking in here,
this is the rookie.

I'm currently just finished day 2 of a leadership program camp, and is experiencing something I have never felt before.

At school, I am comfortable with some girls, meaning that I could crack sexual jokes and be very chilled bout it, with no signs of nervousness. But every girl I am comfortable with, is because I knew them for a long time, so the nervousness is gone due to being used to it for so long.

Day 1 of the leadership camp, I made a good first impression. I walked in the room- smiling, chest up, straight posture, introduced myself with a deep, smoothening voice tone, proceeded to shake hands with everybody. I did that, while the bones of my body felt as if it was going to crack due to nervousness.

Morning of day 1, the group played some games, I was loud & confident, made jokes and everything everything.
When it was time for lunch, I became a leader and lead the entire group to eat, basically just was in control.

Here is where it went down hill: After lunch, our group is scheduled to go to a blind stimulation facility, and the teacher's kept fucking up in the directions, which got me pissed off and tired. (I slept at 3 last night, and have to wake up at 6 to go to leadership program everyday).

What changed- My smile, my body posture wrecked, not confident, whisper/ squeaky voice, brain couldn't think of any wise / funny shit to say, literally ZERO kino with any girls.

however- there was one girl that I believe is attracted to me even though after this confidence change, her body language proves it. Her feets always pointing at me, she always would look at me, play with her hair, when I haven't approached her yet.

The funny thing is, she is a HB6.5, and i dont know why! I feel so nervous around her! I have no kino, had 1 full eye contact chat with her, which didn't feel natural and was only bout school work. I found myself always checking her body language if she is still attracted to me, this is one bad shit habit I have, I need to concentrate on my own shit.

So Day 2, I devoured to fix shit up, and made a relatively good impression in the morning, but again I don't know what it is, but my confidence just fucking died.

Maybe it's due to fapping? Tonight I won't even touch my cock.

Highlight was I had few kinos with this girl, who i am actually interested since she's pretty cute personality and her ass is so tight. #1, in the lift, our arms were touching and clearly there was more space in between us, but we just touched the whole time. #2, when she was infront of me, i softly push her upper back, and she looked back at me (not in a creeped out way).

So I lead the group again to lunch, and one of the guys mentioned: "Where you wanna eat guys? Nevermind let's just follow [my] lead." Which I thought helped me demonstrate high value. However, the lunch was filled with awkward silences, and I felt like I had no balls to open topics, and I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY!!!!! My confidence is CRUSHED due to tiredness or nervousness, I don't fucking know.

The whole highlight of today was suggesting everyone to go to a team member's place to chill during lunch break, and I cracked a joke : "Okay, let's all go have a massive orgy"

Girl: "Wow, [my name], did you just say orgy?"
Me: "Yea, what, you can't handle a joke?"

One part of me thought that this was a confidence showing neg, but I ALWAYS feel like I care too much about if they get offended by it or not, or if I told the joke in a teasing way, because I always feel like I am too SERIOUS.

Also, I tried being cracky and smarky with my teammates (guys/ girls), but I feel like I always give off this unfriendly vibe, and I can't seem to get close with anyone!

One last thing, I try to smile a lot, like grin and shit, but I feel like this grin is a nervous grin that will give off my nervous vibe, should I just keep a normal face expression with little bit of a smile, then actually smile when there is something happy? I feel like smiling too much shows too much nervousness, and too less, is just plain unattractive.

My goal is to become good friends with everyone, find the cause of my nervousness and fucking crack it open.

Rant -done-

Comments / Replies will be greatly appreciated, I take a lot of time in reading & learning from comments.

the r00kie'.