Hello, I'm in the process of studying game and preparing some of my own material. I'll be preparing some dhv stories of my own and posting them here for some feedback. I understand real feedback will be in the field, but I'm not at that point yet and I'd appreciate any comments I can get. Since this is my own story, I don't suggest anyone steal it since it won't be congruent with their personality, but hey to each their own.

Here's my first one, this will be used in comfort:

Me: Do you have any siblings?
Hb: [answer]
Me: I have an older brother, we’re really close, but we often butt heads. Like the time I pierced my ear. [pause] See my brother is traditional, I’m more of a risk taker. My buddy was getting his ears pierced so he asked me to tag along. On the ride there, he persuaded me to get mine done as well. I was starting to feel nervous, and my mind was racing 100 mph about what my family was going to think of this. As soon as I felt the needle go through, all that stress and pressure was relieved, there was no turning back now. Lest did I know, I had only swept my worries under the rug, and they were about to fly out like a tornado. [pause] When I got home, my brother was playing on the ps3 and wasn't paying attention to me, but I kept conversing with him to make him look at me. As he kept ignoring me, I grew increasingly anxious. I was sweating, and I could feel my heart beating faster, like it was going to explode out of my chest. I WANTED a reaction out of him. Eventually, he looked at me, looked away then did a double take. [pause] He says: I fuckin hope that’s plastic. I smiled and said nope. We got into a fight, and we put on a good show for our friends who were laughing hysterically. His friend consoled him saying I was going through a phase. My brother wanted none of it. At that point, he realised I was making my own decisions and he couldn't influence me as much as he once did.

Thanks in advance, much appreciated!

The beginning is strong. The end is okay, it makes you look somewhat vulnerable with the whole I'm a big boy now deal (no offense, that just how I interpret it and would worry that she may interpret that way too). If this is a older more mature type she may see you DHV's as somewhat childish. If this is young at heart maybe she will like that. I don't know, I am a new AFC but I like trying to analyze this shit.

Adrino has a good point, I feel as if instead of DHV'ing yourself your DLV'ing yourself by making you seem vunerable.

_________________
“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”

Thanks Adrino. I understand your point, how can I adapt the story to include attraction switches and end it as a dhv? Consider this story happened when I was 18 and I'm 24 now. target is likely 22+ I often go for older women too, so you may be right. Out of the 5 switches, I believe willingness to take risks applies here. What do u think? How can I reformulate this?

Here's another one I've been working one. I would appreciate some feedback.

I could go on and on with this one since so many stories are related but I'll keep it short and sweet:
So what do you do?
It's actually an interesting story because I never would have thought I'd be where I am right now. [pause] 4 years ago I had the chance to interview for a large American corporation. All I could think of were the endless opportunities that were going to be available and where I would be in 10 years. I imagined myself living in a large city in a penthouse suite, be driving a classy luxury car and have a wardrobe full of suits. When I got downtown 30 minutes early, I couldn't find the damn place. I started to panic, it was the middle of summer and the bright sun was shining on my face, I was sweating profusely. Regular people walking by could not tell me where it was, and I kept getting bad directions from people who thought they knew where the building was. I was now 15 minutes late to my interview, and all I wanted was someone to pinch me because this was a bad dream. I decided to give up and got in my car. [pause] 
Her: so what happened?
I was about to leave but in some divine intervention I made one last attempt to find the office. I ended up getting the job despite being half an hour late. I told the interviewer my story and he appreciated my persistence. 2 years later I graduated and I got promoted a day later with a relocation to Toronto. I was the first one in that office to take advantage of the vast opportunities te company had to offer. In a way my colleagues looked up to me because they saw it happen, it wasn't unrealistic anymore. I could sense their hope was suddenly lifted as I said my goodbyes. Sometimes you do get what you dream for. [end with smile]

Note: not sure if I should add that I do live in a sweet condo building, drive a nice car just like I had envisioned, but I'm working towards acquiring a dozen suits..
Would that be bragging, or a proper way of embedding?