I met a girl at a party 2 months back. Since then I've fbed her a few times and we went on a date last week. It went well and we both had fun (although i wasn't very good on kino- coming out of a 2 year relationship so i'm getting back into things slowly). Anyways, we talked a few times after that and eventually i asked her to my formal (im in college greek life).

She dodged for 2 days, then called me out on going to her sorority formal with another one of her sisters. I told her we were just going as friends so i didnt think it was relevant- she immediately defended herself saying it wasn't like she was jealous or mad or anything. I teased her a bit then ended the convo, hinting that i needed an answer by midnight for formal. I texted her later that night, and I can't figure out where i stand. Did i do something wrong? Or could it just be circumstances? I've no idea if she is still interested or worth pursuing, or if i should freeze her out (unfortunately i see her thursday at her formal).

Here is the last convo:

Me: (youtube video link of who wants to be a millionaire tic-toc theme song, figured it would get a chuckle and remind her)

Her: bahahaha you're the worst

Me: Hey now, lets not make me into the bad guy here- Repunzel (nickname for her) needs to come to a decision! Dates 3, 4, and 5 need time to prepare! :p

(here i'm trying to tease her a bit and force her to defend herself. I think saying she wasn't my first date choice was too much- although she was (i was expecting her to call me out on it and give me a hard time))

Her: hahaha hmmm well seeing as i have four finals next week im going to pass but im sure dates 3-7 will be more than happy to know that

Me: you break my heart, repunzel!
me: and here i had written a glorious poem in your name!

(I think that second text was a mistake?)

Her: you can announce it to everyone at formal

(straight up calling me out here on going to formal with someone else- although she never did ask me to formal- clearly unhappy i didn't tell her i was going and let her find out on her own)

me: haha, touche. are you certain you don't want to enjoy a wonderful night of wine, cheese, literature, fire, and blacked out ness? I offer my tutoring services as a bonus

her: sadly the library has me hostage for most of this week, but thank you kindly for the offer (and i like fire)

me: haha, duly noted- and you are most welcome enjoy ze libraries. I hear if you grow your hair out its an easy escape!

her: hahaha ill work on that and see what happens

me (an hour later- now very late at night): let me know if you succeed! I believe you still owe me dinner from last week too haha

her (morning as soon as she wakes up): hahha yeah i dooo.

I have yet to respond and i don't think i should.

So, either i definitely messed up here and read her wrong (aka, she actually likes me and was offended by my cockiness about bringing other girls) or this was just messy work. I see her thursday at her formal (while i'm with my other date, who she knows im going with just as a friend- or at least i told her that) and then finals are next week. Should i freeze her out? She is a bit of a book worm when it comes to these things. What i don't understand is whenever i do text her, or fb her, she responds instantly no matter what or where she is. last saturday i texted her at midnight and she was responding to every text within 30 seconds, even if i varied my response time with her- anywhere from instant resposne to 45 minutes later

Thoughts? Coming out of a 2 year relationship and trying to get everything back in motion- rusty rusty so any and all help is very much appreciated

I'm only getting a smattering of what your interaction with women is exactly like, but from the conversation excerpts you've sent, your overall idea is very wrong, and it explains her odd responses.

"Dates 3 4 and 5 need to plan in advance!" is that a line you read somewhere that someone said would be cool? Don't do this stuff. Most certainly don't do it out of context. This line would work in a context where your rapport has built up to the point where you're both fairly confident where you stand with each other, and that it's obviously meant as a joke, that simultaneously displays your awareness of the rapport you both have that that will clearly come across as a joke, and that you're confident enough to make it.

Time and time again, I've seen examples from female friends that clearly indicate women don't like hearing about men bragging about other women. It's almost always obviously a pathetic attempt at making oneself sound better than they are, and comes across that way...



One thing that concerns me is that it took so long between the time you met at the party to the time you actually went out on a date. Unless there's a really good explanation for this, that's way too much time for everything to have cooled down and you definitely missed the chance to strike while the iron is hot.

My overall assumption on these details is she went out with you because you were persistent, to check you out (not because she was keen to catch up after still feeling the emotions from the party you met at) and then while there was every chance you can pick up where you left off there, you may not quite have hit the mark, with your own admission that you were lacking Kino - I'd say it probably wasn't even kino but just your overall presence, definintely something was off if you don't feel sure about it. If it went well, you'd feel it.

After that, well, anything that happens is probably not going to go that well. You asking her out to the formal is an obvious come-on, and without the rapport in place where she'd love to come to that sort of thing with you, she reacted in a "oh no he's getting the wrong idea" kind of way.

After she responded less than favourably, you make it worse by saying "hey we're just going as friends" yeah right! That makes you look dishonest and unsure of yourself. Actually her inviting her sister should get your male brain thinking "Heeeyyy, two girls are better than one" of course it's super unlikely sisters would do anything with the same guy (especially at this point) BUT it's super good social proof for you walking around with two girls - it can go either way - she can see the attention your'e getting from other girls (as a result of you walking around with them) and become more interested, or you can use the situation to get the attention of other girls and meet someone else.

The key here is to always maintain a positive mindset. Maybe it seems hard if these negative emotions are overpowering, encouraging you to think negatively "oh no she's not interested, she's bringing her sister" but the more you train yourself to see the positive side, the better things will go. You could have told yourself - "hey, I'm walking into the formal with two girls, not many guys are gonna be doing that!" and get ready to make the night a fun night, whatever happens.

Freeze outs only work in situations where the girl is invested in you in some way. It can also work when she's not - but for a different reason - to give a break and time for her to forget whatever stupid thing you did, and to show you're cruisy and not clingy.

No doubt you'll have questions, and you may disagree with something I've said, feel free to reply.

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First off, thank you so much for the reply! much appreciated! Secondly, i did have some questions:
^ the point of the above line was, since she had been toying with answering for the past few days (thinks like “most likely I will see you there” and things like that) was to say I can't just wait around while she plays her games. Is there a better way to kind of let her know that i'd like her to come, but that I do have other options? I didn't want to come across as “desperate” for her to come with me- but that i would like her to.
^ At the time, I had a girlfriend. So we just had a really good time at the party, but I never made a move in that regard. I broke up with my gf a month or so ago, and I started chatting her a little (she had posted on my fb wall a few times). Eventually spring break came around, I invited her to hangout but she was leaving town that afternoon. I told her we should get dinner upon our return, and she agreed. Post spring break we talk, I remind her about dinner, then a few days later she asks me when and where I want to go. Again, she was flaky on plans- I get the sense that this is just who she is. A social butterfly type who doesn't plan too far ahead, but also spends a lot of time studying and that is her main focus. Our dinner was really fun in the sense that we learned a lot about each other, but i did a terrible job of building the sexual tension.
^ In this regard, it is an actual friend that I would be very hesitant to hookup with/have very little interest in. She is someone that hooking up with wouldn't just be a hookup, it would be an entire dramatic sequence of things that just isn't worth the trouble. The point wasn't to make myself dishonest and unsure- I actually am being honest, whether it comes across that way or not. What would be a better way to bring about the point that I honestly have no intention of hooking up with this girl (in hindsight now)? I'm basically a “you are guaranteed to have fun” type of person at formals, whether we hookup or not, so I tend to cruise them a lot. The girl who I invited to my own formal thinks i'm a party boy type, so I guess I was trying to convey that I was going just for fun and not to sleep with her sister? Not entirely sure how I would have conveyed that to her better- any tips?
^I think I misspoke- the girl I asked to formal isn't bringing her sister, she is bringing a straight “backup date” as one of her sorority sisters told me a week ago. Someone you just bring to have a good time (in essence what I am in this situation at her formal).

So I guess my question is am I screwed here? I am in town another two weeks, although finals are next week, and I would love to at least take her out to dinner once- she thinks im the party boy type who plays girls (not at all true, although I have clearly come across that way). I don't know how to read her last message- right now I take it as a sarcastic “haha yah right not happening” kind of way, am I wrong there?

where should I go from here (if at all)? I see her at her formal, so im sure we will talk there for a bit. But unless we schedule something that will probably be the last time I see her for the year. Sit till next year and move on for now?

Why would you tell her you're just going as friends if you are trying to date her? Be true to your intentions.

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If she's into you, she will assume you have options. "No way would a guy like you not have options", she will think. And during random conversation, tales you tell about funny moments or when you were over seas etc. will involve other girls. She will know that way too. But the focus must be the story, not the other girl, and it must be a relevant story - your tone of voice and body language should never give off that you're telling this story to impress her. If it's a relevent story, it will impress her.
The bottom line is don't concern yourself with what she thinks of you, just concern yourself with being a good guy and interesting, and attentive of her, that will take care of itself then.

Generally speaking, when people brag about something, it's probably not happening to the level they want you to think it is
That's a good explanation and that makes sense. I'd say it built up perfectly, not too soon and not too long - there should be some interaction to build up an interest in each other and let her feel special for being the next girl that captivated you, and not just a rebound, or because you're desperate. You are most likely right, she is just the type who doesn't plan ahead. As long as it doesn't bother you it will always go well.
Well the thing about building sexual tension is as long as you're being interesting enough, she will want you badly.

The only thing you can do wrong is for her to make herself available in some way, eg. putting her hand close to yours for you to grab it, or standing really close expecting a kiss, and for you to awkwardly not take advantage of this.
I'm just a bit lost here, is the girl we're talking about; just a friend or a girl you're trying to date?
Let me get a better idea of the above and read the exchange again - could you paste the line you mean, the one you don't know how to interpret.
Generally speaking, it can't hurt to try , though if things are particularly bad, you may need to push it as late as possible before proposing the next meet up, but start by just giving her a call and asking how things are going, and both exchanging a few things, from your side just be brief but hint enough that you've been very busy. Then propose to catch up one more time before you leave.

If that's the situation then I wouldn't get too emotionally invested, you'll just spend most of the break thinking what you could've done differently etc. etc. Best to start anew next year.

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@Lothario

I told her (the one who I am interested in) that the girl who was taking me to formal (the sorority formal, both the girls are in the same sorority) is just taking me as a friend. Sorry if that was confusing before, wording is a bit weird haha


@Conker

This is something I have been discovering a lot this semester- and something I have been trying to keep doing, rather than concern myself with her thoughts. Work in progress, obviously! Appreciate the tip and reinforcement of that!

haha, ain't that the truth. It wasn't meant as a brag- it was meant as a gentle nudge to say “I can't wait around while you take days to make up your mind, when the event is in two days”. I can see how it would be taken as one by her, however. Any thoughts on how to get the message across without bragging? Should i just be up front next time?

I guess that is fair, but to some degree shouldn't there be a level of escalation beyond just being interesting? We made great conversation, but there was no escalation- couldn't it just be perceived as a “just went out to dinner” type? I don't think I missed any major oportunities, but I also
The girl who we are talking about is a girl I am interested in dating- but a friend of mine, in the same sorority as the girl I am trying to date, and we are going just as friends and to have fun at her formal.


This is the line I don't know how to interpret, is it her laughing it off? Or is it her being her usual flaky self and not making concrete plans/too busy and distracted by finals now? Or is it something to act on down the road?

Okay, that sounds good! I see her tonight at her formal so I guess we will see how that interaction goes and take it from there!

I really appreciate the advice and help on this btw- very informative.

Well let me know how it goes.

Just some replies;
Okay, in that case; fact is, you're going out with ANOTHER girl, one on one. It's going to be good or bad for your situation with her, it will never have no effect - so you have to do this in a way that it comes off good.
This information is BEST given at least on the phone, via voice. Too sensitive for text, and texts are meant to be brief so this kind of info is not usually given, you say things like "I have plans" etc.

If it sounds like a brag when you say it, we know how that goes.

The worst thing is, she's into you, and she finds out you're heading out one-on-one with another girl - it kills her mood for you. She doesn't feel special. You have to deliver this in the most matter of fact way possible and like it really is no big deal, and put the focus on what you guys will be doing.

If she's going to get that "good" kind of jealous response, seeing you as high value, that will happen anyway. The only thing you have to do in this situation is not let it go badly. You don't try to make it good, that ends up with bragging etc.
Yes.

Don't ever use "other girls" as an excuse for anything, even if it's true - it will only ever come across as bragging. A confident successful guy knows it's impolite to bring up other women in that situation. No way is that a "gentle nudge".

Unorganised people do need a polite kick in the butt. Make a light hearted message that mentions the fact that it's time critical, and ask for a response. Eg. today is tuesday "Party on thursday is gonna be awesome, are you coming? I need to make plans"

Then if she's truely busy she can politely inform you she has exams, like she did (without the "other dates will be pleased to know " snarkiness that you prompted) and you can reply "Ah that sucks! Good luck with your exams!" and you make plans with another girl. She would assume you're going to do as much if she thinks you're the confident person that you're projecting and this will work itself out next time you meet. People can't bail on exams.
I think you didn't finish your message here.

Yes you should always look for opportunities to escalate, and it depends on the nature of the outing. Just coffee probably not much except for setting up the next date. Next date you should set the frame by making it "coupley", holding hands for a bit as you travel between two points then letting go when you arrive, leaving her wanting more. And at the end of the date, if she looks like she's waiting for a kiss, for even a FRACTION of a second, do it. Don't hesitate. Otherwise don't push it, if she has to dash in a hurry - hell even then you could go "bye!" and grab her for a quick kiss on the cheek.

You're worrying way to much over this. She's agreeing with you. That means move to the next step. Start setting up a dinner. Use your usual approach that's been working so far.
Even as a base this is what you should do in reply to a message that doesn't offer a date to setup. But you already know she's disorganised, so you have even more excuse to take the lead here.

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