Ok, I just set some ridiculously high expectations for this ad and the introductory line sounds like something Bob Saget would say minus the crudeness and references to the Olsen twins...

If you're a spammer and you're flagging my ad, I hope you get one of your own viruses and have your credit car info plastered on a public forum. If you're a BBW, just don't read it. The gym is your friend. I used to be heavy. "You Can do it!" STOP FLAGGING MY AD!!!!!!!!



On with the show:


•If you're FAT/Obese

•Bi-polar

•On parole

•A prude

•On psychotropic drugs

•Wear tin foil to sleep to avoid aliens reading your social security number straight from your brain

•Have more than 1 kid

•Have more than 1 kid from 2 or more fathers (Don't knock it before you try it, but don't bring it my way either...)

•Act more manly than your dad

•Under 18/Over 28

•Drive a truck



If you qualify for any of the above "qualities", I have programmed a special button to allow you to reply to my ad faster and get your email on the top of the list. Just look up for an arrow facing left? Oh, you don't know which way is left? Ok, it looks like this . Just click on it and it will send you to my special VIP page...

Ok, now for all of you "regular" applicants. You're going to have a REALLY hard time getting any attention since those VIP girls are stepping to the front of the line with their special link. Don't think you can get all smart and cheat and click the VIP button. The VIP button KNOWS...



This should be you:

•Smarer than my smart phone...this isn't hard, I think my smart phone has been sneaking out at night with a dirty iPhone and contracted herpe-apple-fungitis, so it's brain has swollen and it's working poorly. You don't have to try too hard here Wouldn't want you to get a migraine.

•Dancer's body. Just because I'm 550lbs doesn't mean I don't have standards. Tall and lithe...what did you say? You don't know what lithe means? My smart phone does...are you failing already?

•Have some source of income. No, posting CL personal ads as "pro" is not a legit form of income. Why do you need an income? Because eventually you're going to want to ask me out. It's VERY tacky to ask a guy out and then ask him to pay.

•You drive a car. The closer this car is to an Evo, Crossfire, 335i, Audi S4, the better we get along. The closer your car is to a "Smart Car", a Truck, an SUV, or pretty much anything Korean (The Genesis isn't a bad car), the less we'll get a long.

•You're clean - Hygiene...buy this in bulk. Diseases - You Qualify for VIP, click the link above.

•Freak in the sheets and a lady in the streets - If a prude accidentally made it this far, please refer to the VIP link.


Ok, now for a message from our sponsor:

Send me a message. I don't care if you loved my ad, or you found it repulsive. Just say something original that gives me some insight into who you are. If you don't, your typing will be in vain as your message will be deleted.
Send me a picture. If you send me something sexy, you'd better be real. ALL Fakes will find their place in hell Face pictures are fine too
Ah the double edged sword...ready? How about now? Ready? We all perceive attraction in a different way. There is no pain or loss in sending a photo to someone who doesn't find you attractive because they may have and if you didn't you'd never know.


And back to your regularly scheduled program...



You dance. In other words, one of our dates is going to be at a club, salsa lessons, or some other venue (another big word, better go look it up) that has music and dancing.

Ok. So. Let's follow along closely class. You've come to the sad, but inevitable conclusion that you don't qualify for VIP status, but you want to reply anyways. You are going do the following:


Make up a unique subject line with the word "Orange" in it.

Send me at least one photo that includes your face.

Be a real woman, not a spammer, or some other "advertiser" (Test me, dumb spammers...see what you get in your inbox).


About me...What about me?...Oh, you want to know about me. .......................wait.............why?
Didn't my HTML skills woo you?...No?
My "mastery" of the English language?........Sort of?
I'm 24.
I'm a professional............It's legal, it makes money, there aren't any naked women around me. Good enough?
I'm over 6 ft tall
Not fat, not skinny, kind of half way in between...Eventually I'll be very fit, but never skinny. Who wants a skinny guy that throws his woman in front of him when in danger?
I'm not Black, or Middle Eastern, or Indian, or Japanese, Actually...let's just mark off the Continents. Nothing from Africa. Nothing from South America. Nothing from Antartica (Hey, my dad could have been a polar bear). Nothing from Australia. Does that clarify enough for you, miss?
I have a secret...I'm actually a good guy (not a nice guy, a good guy, but don't tell anyone. The VIP girls might freak out).

That is all.