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PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2009 11:35 pm 
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Let me know what you think. I made several alternations but I think this one is cute.
Quote:
I think I may have married you in my past life! How weird is that? You may be my guardian angel that speaks to me, tucks me in when I sleep, blow kisses at me in the wind. LOL! Oh, our marriage was so great until Palbo came in your life! I was so heart broken that I cried and cried in long bitter nights. My heart ached with pain when I would look at your beautiful photo! You don't remember Palbo do you? He was the Gardener - don't you remember? He gave you a rose one day and then all of a sudden I caught you two in the bathtub together. She was scrubbing your back with a brush and that's when my heart shattered in two. Well, I'm glad we found each other again! LOL! :)
Quote:
In my head I already decided we'll get a divorce in our imaginary marriage with you sleeping with the mail man. I couldn't believe it I walked in the room and almost fainted on the ground! My heart jumped to my throat and it was like I was suffocating! I think his named Was Jimmy - yup, Jimmy The Hat they use to call him back int he days. So how is old Jimmy The hat - you still with him? :) LOL! We had a major blow out - I kept the entertainment system, the 50 inch big screen TV, the dog but you kept the house, the five little children (Bobby, Johnny, Jimmy, Paulina, Ralph and Bobo), plus my cat Twinkies! How could you break my heart my love? It felt like it shattered in a million of pieces and nothing helped to put Paully Wally together again! Well, I'll forgive you but promise that you'll love me forever and ever and ever! Can you do that? :)

-Paul
Any more ideas would help extend this into making it sound better and fun! :) Thanks!

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PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2009 3:55 am 
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I'm just learning online game, but my first impression was that those were a little long and dragged out. You could probably split them up like the other divorce opener does.


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PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2009 5:07 am 
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I think Rob is right. They do drag on a bit. I'd lose some of the fluff in the middle and add some humor while DHVing. Maybe, she broke Pablo's heart too but you guys are best buddies now and pick her apart mercilessly behind her back.

Or go down a second road. You really seemed too crushed by what those guys did. Maybe twist it around so they actually did you a favor. Like you ended up with Britany or what ever.

Or just shorten it

Something like that.

In the end, give the story a purpose. Just humor is fine. But DHV better. Like what heppened when you caught her. You were crushed. You couldn't talk, you couldn't eat, you couldn't think, devestated. But a after a few pints of ale with your chums at the local pub, you went home with two ladies feeling much better. But you're still mad at her! Sorta.

That kind of twist.

But thanks for the post. Reminds me I got to come up with some original stuff on my own. I've been doing some research and stories can have huge NLP value. An awesome time to DHV and build attraction with humor as the bait.

Cheers.


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