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I thought it was a little flat myself. Maybe use the "shy" thing to make a connection instead of creating seperation.
"Are you a little shy? I think I am to. I noticed on your profile ______ and blah,, blah blah,,, "funny ending".
You did make a descent message no doubt. But maybe even in it's present form,,, if you could just tug a little bit more humor out. I mean,, keep the theme, but at some time, put a real smile on her face.
In the end,,, you wrote a form letter that could be sent to thousands of chicks who visited your profile. She'll know that. If you really think this one chick is hot, personalize it and make a connection with her with something from her profile. Find something cool, that most guys miss, but chicks notice. It's a good way to convey that you "get" her.
I'll have to remember that for the next time. I sent it in it's first form. It was read and deleted with zero response. Hey it's a learning curve. Hehe