Whatsup guys? I'm looking for critiques on my OKC profile. It doesn't have the worst response rate, but There's always room for improvement.

My self-summary
By day I'm a spicy mannered trillionare playboy/astronaut/world champion fruitcake-weight-guesser/ jelly bean-in-a-jar counter/ 10th degree "all of the martial arts" black belt/ Mensas mensan (special subgroup of mensa where you have to be smarter than 98% of mensans)/ The guy who talks into movie action hero's ear pieces and tell them cool shit to say / writer of every cliche underdog sports movie ever "Reginald Steel"
By evening I'm a nameless Homeopathic E.R. doctor (evenings are oxymoronic and boring)
At night I take to the streets of Manhattan, (specifically this one dark alley a few blocks away from avenue B and 10th street between the hours of 10pm-2am) and fight all J-walking related crime as " The crossing guard" (if there's a rape, mugging or a bank robbery I won't do anything unless the criminal is also J-waking)
later at night (between the hours of 1-4am, across the street) I'm "The Procrastinator" The nemisis of "The Crossing Guard" (I spend the hour between 1 and 2 crossing the street, changing costumes and punching myself) I plan huge crimes and just never follow through.



What I’m doing with my life
Bioinformatics, nano-tech, stand-up comedy, and business. (not a joke, I'm super busy.)



I’m really good at

I'm best at bragging and exaggerating, seriously just the other day I made someone die of envy while I was exaggeratedly bragging.

I'm also really good at those little internet games that show up on banner ads, seriously I've never lost one of those and they keep offering me electronics as a prize for my awesomeness.




The first things people usually notice about me

depends on their perspective:

From a plane: absolutely nothing

From a place where I can't be spotted: see "from a plane"

From way too close: nothing, I'm blocking their light.

From across the street: tallish Caucasian male, well dressed. I'm about 90% sure that I'm objectively handsome.

From a good conversational distance, say a few feet: a plethora of great qualities and a dearth of bad ones.

From the past: aaaaahhhh space-man what are these scary futuristic garments!!!

From the future: Aaah caveman!! də, hər kəs indi AZƏRBAYCANDAN danışır.(aaah caveman!! also, everyone speaks azerbajani now.)



Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

I watch honey boo boo,jersey shore and Documentaries about county fairs.
I eat only rice cakes and drink tepid water.
I read gramophone repair instruction manuals.
my musical tastes alternate between sub-Saharan-African country music, white supremacist Hip-hop, Russian boy bands, Japanese gangster rap, Eskimo dub-step. Jewish heavy metal, and Swahili elevator music.

(I feel like I should answer this one for real, so here it goes)
TV shows: 30 rock, community, office, archer, family guy, american dad, breaking bad, house of lies, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, The Kroll show, shark tank, suits, The mighty boosh.
Movies: Comedies, American psycho, fight club, fear and loathing, anything Tarantino or Ritchie and Documentaries.
Books: I read mostly non-fiction books on science, when reading non-nonfiction books: Douglas Adams, Palahniuk, Thompson, Ellis are some names that come to mind also, "watchmen" may be the best book I've ever read
Music:I'm open to music in general, some of my favorites are, pink floyd, emanicpator, eminem, bassnectar and pretty lights.
Food: I cook well; I eat chipotle when I don't have time. I eat more interesting things, when I have the time/money.


The six things I could never do without

My pocket sized first edition Gutenberg bible.
My pocket sized perfect forgery of a first edition gutenburg bible. (I'll have no idea which one I've lost if I lose either so I keep them both on me at all times)
The survival and procreation of Hadrocodium. (google this one, you'll probably learn something new.)
Credit card fraud
tapioca
Shamrocks


I spend a lot of time thinking about
meta-cognition. (just to clear things up, I don't think about meta-cognition related subjects, consciousness, biases, heuristics etc. I spend my time thinking about the word "meta-cognition." I don't really glean any new insights, I just kind of repeat the word over and over all day long.)


On a typical Friday night I am
I live in a time machine that skips Fridays.
(I get an extra Tuesday every week!)



The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I may or may not be a serial traffic-violator/litterer on the lam from small claims court in Arizona, Nevada, North Dakota and West Virginia.

I am illiterate, I Wrote this entire profile (and presumably the message I wrote to you before you checked out my profile) by hitting random keys on a keyboard. If anything in this profile seemed at all funny, please note that in real life I don't have a sense of humor and anything resembling one on my profile is simply a happy accident. (this also explains away anything I wrote that may have been somewhat uncouth)

also, my name isn't "Reginald Steel" it's "Max Powers"



You should message me if

If you are reading this, something terrible has happened. Message me to make sure I am still alive. If I don't respond immediately, contact the FBI and say, with a Midwestern Audi dealer's accent, "Code green, Delta whiskey teapot." Then start singing digits of pi to the tune of the Ukrainian national anthem. (and may god have mercy on our souls)

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I hate "hi"
If you are interested, but don't know what to say, say "hey, I found your profile entertaining let's talk about apples." 15 extra points for replacing the word "apples" with anything else. 773 extra points for an original thought.

I can't stress this enough, even If you look like mila kunis, megan fox or jessica alba (etc.) if you send me "hi" I'm deleting your message and you're not getting a response. (I don't hold a grudge, you can always try again.)
also, saying "hi" anyway isn't funny or clever, "hi anyway" on the other hand might be acceptable.

how am I still getting "hi" messages What the actual fuck?!







any critiques/suggestions will be much appreciated. And will be rewarded with cash money(in spirit)