Would you all please be so kind as to critique my profile?

My success rate once I get a response to the first message is pretty good. My primary struggle is getting a response to the initial message.

Suggestions for a first message in addition to the profile critique would be appreciated.


My self-summary:

I got scholarships to the top 10/ivy leagues and I recently chose [city name] for law school, I really like it so far. I'm on track to specialize in cases in front of the Supreme Court. This will allow me to help individuals, as well as people across the country, since Supreme Court decisions affect law on a systemic level.

I love to travel the world and the US. I've lived in Australia, gone to France, Egypt, and a bunch more. Since I graduated college I've gone traveling around the country again.

Besides studying every day I work out 4 times a week. In my spare time I'm hanging out with friends, playing sports, reading, playing video games, or doing whatever comes along. I stay up on current events and politics, and I love animals, especially my cat.

I’ve always enjoyed helping people and I find it very rewarding. I’ve volunteered for the Red Cross since I was in high school (about 10 years). I also volunteered for the Special Olympics while I was in college which was a great experience.


What I’m doing with my life:
[blank]


I’m really good at:

All sports, and I do love ALL sports (maybe not dressage). This includes anything from basketball and football, to fencing and Muay Thai. If you can beat me at mini golf I'll be impressed and you'll get a hug!


The first things people usually notice about me:

My blue eyes.


Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food:

I like reading anything from classics like 1984 to Terry Goodkind. I also really enjoy movies. Ed Norton is my favorite actor. Plus it's kind of hard to travel and not like every kind of food.


The six things I could never do without:

Family, friends, my cat, working out, eating out, cooking.


I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Tomorrow, 5 years from now, 20 years from now, the future.


On a typical Friday night I am:
[blank]


The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

I like to travel. I've been all around Europe, Egypt, Australia, and Thailand. I've also gone all over the United States (around 30 of em).


I’m looking for:
•Girls who like guys
•Ages 18–35
•Near me
•Who are single
• For long-term dating, short-term dating


You should message me if:
[blank]

"Got" isn't a real word.

Yikes! This is just wrong on a lot of levels. My GPA is literally a 2.1 and I can tell your grammar needs some fine tuning. Imagine what your ideal girl is thinking when she reads that.

I received scholarships from the top 10 Ivy Leagues and I've recently chosen [blank] law school. I've found [blank] to be quite fascinating.


I feel like you're just doing a poor job at DHV. Your audience are young bachelorettes not 70 year old professors.


Okay, this is cool. You should probably clean this up and lead with this.

Dude, grammar.


Nobody cares about how many times you workout. You can just say you work out. Plus, I'd get ride of the cliche "hanging out with friends, playing sports, playing video games (girls hate that shit). Leave politics out of it.

I would actually just delete this whole part. Your summary is far too long to begin with and it is literally just sounding like a resume for job.



I don't think being good at sports is really much of a turn on; being athletic is. Just delete your list of sports and revise your mini golf line.

I'm really good at:

Mini Golf. I'm a hole in one machine. I've yet to be defeated!

Okay, whatever. That's your best one so far.


This is fine. This section people usually just plop a bunch of useless shit no one ever reads. Like I fucking care what your 3rd favorite show is....so this is good, just leave it.

This is either all cliche or just lame. Dude, I fucking love my cat, but how do you think that adds value?

Fine

On a typical Friday night I am:
[blank]



That's not private at all. Plus, you pretty much already said that and now you're just rehashing the same thing.



Holy shit, this screams desperate. You've got to change that age range. Girls rarely message guys in first place, let alone HB8+ so don't even bother with that wide of an age range. Keep it in the 20's 21-28

It looks like you need to revise your entire profile. You came off cocky, but not funny, and that's just not entertaining whatsoever. Try to infuse some LIFE into the profile because it reads like a resume. Think of your target female...nerdy, yuppy, intellectual and cater your profile to that. Remember, be funny and creative.