So currently this is what's going on in my profile:

Self - summary

AWESOMETOWN – With the incredibly noble intention of trying to fill the whole female population of the country with nothing more that infinite happiness, the most wanted bachelor of the moment (AKA Diego Valverde), set up an account in the popular dating site “Okcupid” this Sunday morning, our sources confirmed yesterday.

Diego is a handsome, successful and fit young man who any responsible father would trust his daughters to completely. He’s better known for being a tremendously accomplished musician, being able to play some insanely technical, romantic and soulful pieces like “Sexy bitch” on the piano. He also speaks in 63 different languages, is able communicate with birds, is an amateur tongue contortionist and he may or may not be involved in the sexy world of espionage. Oh, and he also builds orphanages, wells or whatever in the poorest zones of Africa, if those are the things that make you horny.

“I decided to try this online thing with the sole purpose of being closer to my fans” Valverde admitted in the David Letterman show this week. When he got asked what exactly turned him on about a woman, he answered “Jaguars, ridiculously expensive diamonds and houses in prestigious areas of the city, preferably in the front of the beach … what you were taping? I mean personality: it is definitely the most important thing when it comes to women …”

Love him or hate him, you can’t negate this man’s awesomeness and odds are, you’re writing a message to his OKC inbox anyways so just sit and wait for him to reply. Diego’s commitment with your joy is so strong that he might be writing a thoughtful and romantic reply to you already so yeah … wait.

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I can't figure out what could be wrong with it, because I have a feeling it is the profile what's screwing me, since my openers are fairly good I would say. I think I could be coming as too much of an asshole but I don't know ... any thoughts about it?

as far as I can tell, this thing tells nothing about you, looks a lot like the most interesting man in the world commercials, and makes you look too much like a player.

I am not the guru of profiles, but I had some success with online dating.
you want to convey you are a funny, witty person, silliness is ok. but make sure you don't look like a 30-year-old broke dude who lives in mom's basement. having your shit together matters. slight sexual innuendo is fine, especially if you are screening for sex-drive, but you don't wanna write like you're searching for a ONS. even if you are.

_________________
nice guys don't get laid
"It's disrespectful not to bang them when they sleepover." (Hellhound)

Yeah, you're probably right. I might have exaggerated with the "most interesting man in the world" stuff and I really wasn't saying anything about me to build rapport. Thanks man, I will make some changes to it!