ONLINE DATING QUESTION ~ ASK J SMOOTH!!!



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 Post subject: Re: How am I doing
PostPosted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 3:41 pm 
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J, many thanks on creating this thread, it has been very helpful especially for someone like me who is new to the community. To make a long story short, I posted a profile on Clist about two days ago and through all of the spam actually got a real response from an HB7...any advice on where I need to go next or if I can improve on anything. Being a musician myself I didn't want to directly jump on the musician part just yet only because I believe there is more to me than my musical talents. Below is the conversation starting from bottom going to top. Thanks again for your advice.

Theledgeofaustin



Love it! It's so much easier being a vegan down here. I mean, Fort Worth wasn't bad but I didn't have nearly as many dining options as I do down here. I haven't even tried everything, yet! I went to Toy Joy for the first time a couple of weeks ago and found that they had vegan soft serve and shakes and I was super excited. That, and there's more than one place that I can order vegan pizza. Oh, and more than one raw food option, too! So yeah, I'm enjoying the variety after eating at the same four restaraunts in FTW for over a year. Heh. But at least I ended up learning how to cook awesome vegan food. I make some mean "Sour Cream" Vegetable Enchiladas. You'd never know it's not authentic sour cream sauce.

name


So you are from the Fort that has little to no worth , just kidding. It's a great town and I'll be visiting that area in mid March. You seem like a really cool person and you have an incredibly energy about you and I'd love to know more about you. How do you like the vegan lifestyle in Austin?


E



My name is Christina. I'm 24 and I live in Round Rock and I too love to be social! I just moved to the area around three months ago. I'm a singer, so I wanted to move where there was a bigger music scene. I'm originally from Fort Worth. You can check out pics and such under myspace
name
Hey Buddy,

You are welcome!

Good job! At this point she has shared a good little bit of information with you so it is time for you to share back. Tell her some interesting facts about you, tell her a story, just do a little bit more to build her comfort level with you. The more she knows about you the better. There is definitely attraction and interest here, gain a little more comfort, then ask for her number in after another message or two.

~Jon

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 11:22 am 
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Hello J

I'm in need of an oppinion. I've started doing some online game and i sent some friend requests to some girls on facebook.

One replied with "Do i know u". I held up the conversation and went into kata's routine with i already married and divorced u, and it worked out pretty well.

She finally made me a friend on facebook now. Anyway i said to her: "We are like 2 different persons now. We should really get to know eachother better ... looks like the time apart did us some good..."

She replied with: "Well if the time apart did us well, leave the things as they are;))"

Now i know this is a massive shit test coes we build some rapport and a sexual frame as well in the eariler messages. What would u reply to that?

Edit: I thought long and hard and came up with the line: "Yeah we should leave things as they are. I don't know if i can handle you and my other 7 wives;)"

Counting on her to message me and qualify...any thoughts?:D


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 4:06 pm 
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Ok, noticing that you don't really reply to other posts in the forum but you do to this thread... and you seem to really know your shit soooo hope you don't mind if I repost a question here:

Messaged a girl sometime last week with the imaginary wedding/divorce opener, and went through that routine with her. Tried talking to her after, and it didn't really go anywhere.

Today I saw her online and started up a chat session, and we ended up talking for about half an hour. Seemed like we were having a good conversation and everything, then she kind of abruptly says she has to get going... so I just say ok, see you later and log off.

So what's a good next step? Do I just wait a day or two and try to start up a chat with her next time I see her online? Should I send her a message to try and schedule another chat? Maybe send her a message asking if she wants to get together?

Oh, the other thing is that after the wedding opener I asked if she wanted to get together and she said she'd need more time. Then this time she was telling me about a couple guys she'd met who had seemed normal, then turned out to be huge creeps (I had my own creepy girl story for comfort building, yay!) so she may be a bit more shy about getting together right away I think...



If you want to see the actual conversations it's in this thread follow-up-vt60913.html. I only posted it because someone said she might have brought up the creepy guy thing as an IOD... but really it felt like a good conversation when we were having it. *shrug*


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 2:10 am 
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Hello J

I'm in need of an opinion. I've started doing some online game and i sent some friend requests to some girls on Facebook.

One replied with "Do i know u". I held up the conversation and went into kata's routine with I already married and divorced you, and it worked out pretty well.

She finally made me a friend on Facebook now. Anyway i said to her: "We are like 2 different persons now. We should really get to know each other better ... looks like the time apart did us some good..."

She replied with: "Well if the time apart did us well, leave the things as they are;))"

Now i know this is a massive shit test cause we build some rapport and a sexual frame as well in the earlier messages. What would you reply to that?

Edit: I thought long and hard and came up with the line: "Yeah we should leave things as they are. I don't know if i can handle you and my other 7 wives;)"

Counting on her to message me and qualify...any thoughts?:D
With openers like these you are starting off from a point where you obviously don't know her and she knows that. She is responding so that is always good. The main thing for openers is to use them to get the girl responding then move away from them. We don't want to really continue this conversation, we want to change it to make it more beneficial to us.

I'd go into story telling mode to create more interest and start building rapport. Just switch the entire conversation. "You know I was at the mall today and I saw the coolest thing....." or whatever you want there. Just go into a story that starts to give her some insight into you.

Jon

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 2:18 am 
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Ok, noticing that you don't really reply to other posts in the forum but you do to this thread... and you seem to really know your shit soooo hope you don't mind if I repost a question here:
Onoma,

Of course, I don't mind you posting here at all but I do reply on multiple places on the forum hence my post count, just lately I've been sticking to this thread cause my personal life has been really busy and I haven't had the time to go through the forum as I normally do.
Quote:
Messaged a girl sometime last week with the imaginary wedding/divorce opener, and went through that routine with her. Tried talking to her after, and it didn't really go anywhere.
I really personally have issues with this opener just because it is so tough to transition from but so many people on the forum seem to like using it.
Quote:
Today I saw her online and started up a chat session, and we ended up talking for about half an hour. Seemed like we were having a good conversation and everything, then she kind of abruptly says she has to get going... so I just say ok, see you later and log off.
That's a pretty good amount of time chatting. Sounds like you did the right thing by chatting her up. Good job!
Quote:
So what's a good next step? Do I just wait a day or two and try to start up a chat with her next time I see her online? Should I send her a message to try and schedule another chat? Maybe send her a message asking if she wants to get together?
Half an hour is not long enough to build the comfort you need for her to meet a strange guy she just met some place. You would want to focus on chatting with her the next time you see her online. Don't wait to talk to her again keep things flowing.
Quote:
Oh, the other thing is that after the wedding opener I asked if she wanted to get together and she said she'd need more time. Then this time she was telling me about a couple guys she'd met who had seemed normal, then turned out to be huge creeps (I had my own creepy girl story for comfort building, yay!) so she may be a bit more shy about getting together right away I think...
There are a lot of women out there with bad experiences meeting guys from online. I definitely thing that your own creepy girl story is going to go a long way to establish that you know how she feels and you are not like the others. I have to spend time myself doing that with girls I meet from online sites.

The key is just to talk to her like a normal human being building comfort, telling stories, asking questions, and letting her get to know you. You might have to spend a little more time with her than you would someone who doesn't have that issue with having guys she met online turning out to be creeps. You may have to spend a few hours online talking to her before she's ready. Just be patient...if she's talking to you that's half the battle, just finish the other half by being patient with her and not being pushy.

Be the "Exception to the rule" in the idea that most guys are pushing to go on a date right away and trying to get all sexual with her online. In this case seriously just be a nice guy and be patient with her. It'll get you a long ways. Then in person just continue to be that guy that she's gotten to know online. As the issue with most women is that a guy is one way online and different in person.

Take it easy,

Jon



If you want to see the actual conversations it's in this thread follow-up-vt60913.html. I only posted it because someone said she might have brought up the creepy guy thing as an IOD... but really it felt like a good conversation when we were having it. *shrug*[/quote]

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 5:07 am 
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Quote:
Ok, noticing that you don't really reply to other posts in the forum but you do to this thread... and you seem to really know your shit soooo hope you don't mind if I repost a question here:
Onoma,

Of course, I don't mind you posting here at all but I do reply on multiple places on the forum hence my post count, just lately I've been sticking to this thread cause my personal life has been really busy and I haven't had the time to go through the forum as I normally do.
Fair enough, but this got your attention! ;)

Thanks for the advice... good to know I may be in good shape. Just got to actually catch her online now I guess...


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 5:41 am 
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Ok well I was in a great conversation. We both are cracking jokes back and forth. I

try to go for the number close by saying, "ok next question.. can I get your phone

number now so we can continue this conversation via text message or make me beg

for it and continue this horribly inefficient process of email tag?

(HINT: I don't beg for phone numbers)"

Her only reply was, "No"

Now what? I can just keep going on having a conversation like it didnt effect me, but now I'm wondering if that attraction was there to begin with or was I just someone to her occupied.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 5:47 pm 
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Ok well I was in a great conversation. We both are cracking jokes back and forth. I

try to go for the number close by saying, "ok next question.. can I get your phone

number now so we can continue this conversation via text message or make me beg

for it and continue this horribly inefficient process of email tag?

(HINT: I don't beg for phone numbers)"

Her only reply was, "No"

Now what? I can just keep going on having a conversation like it didnt effect me, but now I'm wondering if that attraction was there to begin with or was I just someone to her occupied.
Big,

All you can do is keep going like it doesn't effect you. It doesn't do any good to argue for the phone number. Maybe work to get an instant messenger address the next time you ask, then escalate from there to a phone #. That way you have a nice in between step to gain some more ground with her getting use to talking to you.

~Jon

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 11:46 am 
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All you can do is keep going like it doesn't effect you. It doesn't do any good to argue for the phone number. Maybe work to get an instant messenger address the next time you ask, then escalate from there to a phone #. That way you have a nice in between step to gain some more ground with her getting use to talking to you.
Interesting. I've been messaging girls on dating sites, and then escalating by giving them my facebook and then going for the number through there, once they can see my profile as I beleive it will build a lot of comfort with them.

After a few messages I gave a girl my facebook and she was like "Yeah sure, i'll add you :)" but she never did, since then I've continued the converstion on the dating site, not mentioning the fact she forgot/didnt. How would you recommend best to handle this? just forget about facebook with this girl and try for the number next?

PS I have her hooked in conversation where I gave her a vague but crazy description of my weekend and shes desprite to know more, would it be AFC to tell her she'll find out once the adds me?

Thanks


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2010 6:47 pm 
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Quote:
All you can do is keep going like it doesn't effect you. It doesn't do any good to argue for the phone number. Maybe work to get an instant messenger address the next time you ask, then escalate from there to a phone #. That way you have a nice in between step to gain some more ground with her getting use to talking to you.
Interesting. I've been messaging girls on dating sites, and then escalating by giving them my facebook and then going for the number through there, once they can see my profile as I beleive it will build a lot of comfort with them.

After a few messages I gave a girl my facebook and she was like "Yeah sure, i'll add you :)" but she never did, since then I've continued the converstion on the dating site, not mentioning the fact she forgot/didnt. How would you recommend best to handle this? just forget about facebook with this girl and try for the number next?

PS I have her hooked in conversation where I gave her a vague but crazy description of my weekend and shes desprite to know more, would it be AFC to tell her she'll find out once the adds me?

Thanks
Dorian,

Hey man, not to pick on you per say but I realy wish people would get off this idea of, "Is that AFC?" mindset. Don't worry about that right now and use your feelings do what you think is right. Let's be honest none of us need any of this PUA stuff to get a girl. Men have been doing it for 100s of thousands of years without it and have been doing just fine. Trust your feelings some as to what you think you should do.

Personally, I'd talk to her about my crazy weekend and ask for her number if that's what you feel like you should do. At this point you have a better read on her then I will ever have. Go with your gut on this one and I think you'll find it's going to lead you to her.

Jon

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 12:07 pm 
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Hey J

I am not having too much luck with the girls I want online

Everytime I see a HB online, a 10, I reach out in some way and they never respond back , or when they do they do it once, then dont reply again

I have an over abundance of 5's and 6's that want me, and they just dont turn me on
I want the 10's and HB's

is it wrong to focus on girls that maybe I cant obtain? or are all these 10's obtainable with the right technique?

How would I get the attention of a really hot 10 online?
I will try what you said

"You're attractive, but do you have any personality?"

I wanna see if that baits them into a real convo with me, because I feel that once I get them into talking with me, I can get them
the problem is always getting them interested enough to even talk to me
i get ignored constantly

Then once I get them to talk, or they act interested, they flake on me, and dont respond
should I be chasing them when they dont respond? or forget them and move on to the next one?
I find all I end up doing is starting over with new ones that I never get
its a big cycle of online rejection from 10's that I want
am I too picky for my own good?

Thanks
MB


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 12:15 pm 
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Quote:
Steven,

It's okay that it was long, I appreciate seeing all the details, so I can give you more informed personalized advice. Its great you number closed but it stinks she flaked on you. Alright, you spent a lot of time in your Instant Message conversation doing frame control, teasing, and doing things to build attraction.

FYI: She's attracted to you already! You have her #.

You said yourself she flaked because there was no comfort. Read through your IM and tell me where you were building comfort there to help alleviate the problem? Remember one thing Mystery was correct on is you need a good balance of Attraction and Comfort to move forward with a relationship.

You really need to use your time texting and with Instant Message, or phone calls to build comfort with her. Do things to get to know her. It's not all about attraction. Remember we need a balance of comfort too, and we need it NOW! Ask about her life, tell her stories about your life, play 20 questions if you have to, just get to know more about her and let her into what you are like.

Give attraction a break for a little bit. The teasing, stealth attraction, and the other stuff was well done but without comfort it won't go anywhere you want it to go. Seriously be cautious not to go back into attraction and build comfort with her in person if you can, but my guess is you'll have to do some back work over text, IM, or on the phone first before you can get a solid date.

Best of luck as always buddy,

~Jon
I called her, dude. And her response to my call was as surprising as knowing that Casanova is gay! (a metaphor, definitely, don't look for the fact in google ) She responded really well and we had like 10 mins convo (don't have much time, got to study for exam) and basically I built comfort with her.

I flipped the frame of who's flaking by saying "Aww, I'm so sorry that I forgot to tell you that I'm going out to check out some cool gadgets last week. I totally forgot.. Hmm.. how I'm going to make it up for you?". then the whole script changed . Love game..

I don't know how good the convo was, basically I told her a story, then I asked her a few questions (how come she could be so good at make up, what's her passion, why did she pick piano as her favorite instrument, bla bla) was it enough?

When I told her that I should go and we'll be having conversations later, she was like... "ooowww... pleeeasee... good byee....". She was nervous as well..

Now, she's legitimately busy and can't hang out until the next 2 months. Logistics... Alright...

So, I think it's time for phone maintenance now. What do you think I should do now, Smooth?

Best pal,
Steven

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:38 pm 
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Hi JSmooth and you other guys,

I'm strangely feeling like a *complete* newbie at the moment.So I need advice

I've arranged a Day 2 tomorrow with a girl from POF. She seems okay from her mails. I managed to get in a couple of teases already, one about her using the word cock - well it gets filtered by POF when using the word cocktail and a neg/tease about old age.

I realise that my past day 2s have been too standard and need some originality and fun for me and the girls involved! I know being in the right frame of mind is key but what are the best 'routines' to use which are fairly quick to learn and implement.

We're having a drink or two in a bar. I think I could try running The Cube on her and/or do the ring finger thing. I've never fully done the Cube so that maybe interesting to actually do and complete. I've done the ring finger thing but felt a bit weird doing it. I know some of this will come with practice.

I'm kind of resigned to the fact that my game is a mess and I need to build some solid foundations. I think a part of me has been denying I need help in a lot of areas in this. I've done stuff and it hasn't worked so obviously I need to try different stuff. I may try telling that long-winded Paris Hilton joke - the one where a man obsessed with her ends up alone on a desert island with her.

My 2 big concerns for tomorrow are 1/ that it slips into a standard get to know you , almost interview like chat 2/ I need to qualify her - I think she maybe too much of a drinker for me. I don't really want to get involved with alcoholic women!

I have made arrangements to meet someone else tomorrow evening shortly afterwards, a girl I f-closed a few months ago. I have no intention of f-closing her again as logisitics will be good as impossible but I want to keep her available.

Anyway, advice or comments would be appreciated


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 4:15 pm 
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Hi JSmooth,

i've decided to give this online sarging stuff a whirl and messaged this girl with the line, 'You're attractive, but do you have any personality?' and got a reply 'Haha id like to think so!'

So i kinda didn't know what to put but after reading the facebook thread i decided to put 'you know its not safe to talk to strangers! I guess your parents never taught you that! :D' Adapted a little because you can't poke on this site. She has just replied saying 'Lol guess they didnt!'. i think it's good im getting a response but don't really know where to go from here....

Thanks

LG!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 5:47 pm 
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Quote:
Hi JSmooth,

i've decided to give this online sarging stuff a whirl and messaged this girl with the line, 'You're attractive, but do you have any personality?' and got a reply 'Haha id like to think so!'

So i kinda didn't know what to put but after reading the facebook thread i decided to put 'you know its not safe to talk to strangers! I guess your parents never taught you that! :D' Adapted a little because you can't poke on this site. She has just replied saying 'Lol guess they didnt!'. i think it's good im getting a response but don't really know where to go from here....

Thanks

LG!
Isn't there a planned second line for the poke opener? Something about her mother not getting any mom of the year reward? Could just go with that...

Or maybe neg her for the short answers, since she claims to have a personality but isn't showing you much. On the other hand it seems like it can be really tricky to use negs online so maybe not...


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