POF suggests that if I wish to be successful on POF, I should try talking about four things. So here goes.

1. Talk about your hobbies: Mind control. Bucking authority. Questioning EVERYTHING. Sharpening my wit. Exercising my right to arm bears. Crossing the line into "awkward" territory at least once a day. Day dreaming. Arguing with small children. Febreezing the homeless. Running along the edge of a razor blade like greased lightning in slow motion. Giving zero ****s.

2. Talk about your goals and aspirations: If some people have "delusions of grandeur", I have "delusions of mediocrity". I want to get a Bronze Medal in the Special Olympics. I want to be the runner up in a hotdog eating contest. I want to become famous for making a cult classic movie that went straight to DVD. I want to win an election...for 6th grade class vice president.

3. Talk about yourself and what makes you unique: In order to help myself blend in with other guys competing for your attention, I have purchased a bulk order of Affliction and Tap-Out T-Shirts and a years supply of hair gel so I can make my head as sticky and spikey as possible. Also.. Cases upon cases of Axe body spray, because nothing says "unique and classy" like Axe body spray. I don't always wear body spray, but when I do, I want to knock you unconscious with it.

4. Describe your taste in music: The Pu$sycat Dolls. Although, admittedly, I usually have them muted while I watch their videos and wasn't even aware they were a musical act until after I consummated my relationship with 4 out of 5 of their members.


Why should you date me?

I'm an expert at everything, a master of love, and an outlaw in Tijuana. I keep my sock drawer neatly organized. I always put the seat down. I'm fluent in Engrish and Spanglish. My personality is so magnetic, I have to turn myself off on airplanes to avoid potential disasters. I easily decipher hidden pirate treasure maps. I open pickle jars with little to no effort. I dodge, I weave, I frolic, and all of my bills are paid on time. I have incredible skills of negotiation. I know the precise location of every item in the super-market. I tried to get in touch with my feminine side but it has a restraining order against my masculine side. My spirit animal is the Honey Badger. My inner child is a juvenile delinquent. I have been convicted on crimes against humanity for my practice of relentless tickle torture.