I think I have a unique and mysterious fear that stems back to my early childhood. My parents never isolated, and they did allow me to go outside and talk to people, but I still feel trapped in cage. They taught me to be suspicious of all people and not trust their intentions, and that I was better than most people. That the average person that doesn't have much to say. I grew up thinking I was better than individuals because I had this great plan in life. It seems that this has cut me off from the rest of the world.

I grew up speaking my mind vibrantly, and being extremely outspoken when it comes to my ideals, but my ideals have become a symbolic noose around my neck. So what does this have to do with big groups, public places, or the fear of love? Well basically I learned to see people in an unhealthy light of black and white. Either people were all good to me, or of pure evil. I had expectations that most could not meet, and could not see people for the complex individuals they are. Even my family sometimes. My life is not painted in shades of color or grey, but all black and white. Even the way in which I view the world. I view this as both a good and bad quality.

It helps me to see what I feel as in just on one end, and on the other it makes me have vendettas against others. It helps me to have compassion for people under stress or in struggle, but alienate those who are the persecutors.

I can't blame my parents for everything, but the abusive environment I group up in helped to shape the way I view people. It also shaped the way I made attachments, because people were I full of good and transparency, or full of evil and conspiracy. There was no middle. I have never been a balanced individual, but a man of vast and disproportionate extremes.

So to bring this to the main topic, what does this have to do with the big groups and people in public places? Often times when I feel as though I am a burden, persecuted, or I am direly depressed I attempt to avoid a group. The way I view individuals is how I tend to view groups.

I have a fear of people in groups because I tend to either become ostracized, or the target of insults and volleying resentment. My voices becomes shrouded out by "respected voices" and I lose my ability to express my self. And although I'm not a shy man, this often does bring anxiety and worry to my heart. A clinching twist comes to my heart every time I sit down with a group and speak too much, and even when I walk in public I have the uncanny fear of being judged.

I told someone who actually does listen to me that I wish to be alone, but this is not true. My heart feels hurt and stain'd so I tend to stay away from people to avoid getting hurt again. I had an utter emotional collapse about a month ago in which I avoided people and stayed from the public eye as much as possible. People thought I was being two-faced, but in reality I had just completely shut down, all strings of emotion had left my veins. I felt drained, isolated and alone. So I spent my days avoiding people and escaping the stress. During this time I even learned how to rap to ease the pain.

I'm sure if I could not write music and express my anxiety I would've done something crazy, which is an unmentionable on the website.

But I also communicated to him this message that I wish not to forget. That being around people when I am too anxious gets me roughty. In fact, it can make me become a gruesome and heartless savage if I am pushed too much. I think 2pac said it best, "I ain't killah but don't push me, revenge is like the sweetest joy next to gettin' pussy."

Makaveli (2pac) 1971-1996 R.I.P.: Hail Mary

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIcpZu7K4WM[/youtube]

I talked to my mom, and she was sugar-coated me like mothers do. I told her I need serious help, but she seriously isn't listening to me. I fear that if I continue to have break downs that outcomes could become worse for those around me. Though I would not commit overtly heinous acts, I often do underhanded things to harm others when I'm in this state.

My hopes by writing all this information on the forum is that some qualified person can analyze this and tell me what’s really up. This fear of people, them in public places, and big groups can't be healthy. But I have associated them with ostracizing, with judging, and isolating. People say ignore thoughts and people, but those are words for those whom are normal. I know there are chumps on this forum that can't get a grip on life, but this is not my case. Far from a chump and a coward, this is all mental, and this is all a long history of association. Bullied, picked on, and screwed with I toughen up and got ruthless in high school. I fucked a few people up and I was finally left alone, completely alone....

Man there is just so much more that I could elaborate on, but I'd be dragging out what shouldn't be dragged out. Point being, what’s really going on? And what can I do to fix this? If there is anyone with similar situations then let me know.

I broke this post into 3 parts in order to make it more readable and tolerable.

Furthermore, to communicate in a symbolic way of how I feel in groups I leave you all with this...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_wtHnZytyQ[/youtube]

you're probably just an introvert. i am the same way, but i came to realize i dont really give a fuck about big groups. i bet when you make a friend their long lasting and really good friends.

I do not necessarily think you are imbalanced mentally, from reading you, you and I have seem to have similar personalities in that we are strong and principled and would much rather live a life of integrity and self worth than be cavorting minions who maliciously attack, abusing and degrade others in a childish immature attempt to stay within a social circle.

I listen to a lot of Tupac and I think that it is so tragic that despite all of his talents he let narcotics and gang-banging get the better of him. I could have seen him be a powerful and influential leader. Digressing...

I am by no way's a qualified physician but I do not think your anxieties and problems are exclusive. I emphasis with the disturbance in your thoughts, I myself get homicidal and suicidal on occasions, what keeps me alive is the love I give and receive to my family. Brent Smith is an influential PUA guru who talks about giving rather than receiving and is very helpful. Also I feel I have a purpose and a mission and depression is simply frustration at my lack of progress in life.

I hope any of what I said helped.