Hey guys
Firstly a massive thank you to all those who have left comments on my earlier posts. Please keep the comments and questions coming. Thank you to all those who have emailed me privately about my articles. It is always great to hear that people are getting value out of the posts. If you have a question about anything I write then please post it as a comment so I can reply and others get the benefit of the answer too.
As it is the New Year, I thought I would write a post about what I consider to be a massive stumbling block with guys, APPROACH ANXIETY. Just saying it can strike fear into your heart, make your body freeze and your mind go blank. I personally think cold approaching should be the last thing you learn in game, it is often the first thing you are taught. If you have never approached a girl cold before then this can be extremely daunting. In this article I want to try and break down the steps of approaching and remove a lot of the anxiety that surrounds it.
I have been working in the area of confidence and social anxiety for a number of years. Throughout my time I have worked with hundreds of clients from a variety of backgrounds and skill level. Although I help people with confidence, I am not into the NLP type of state control and forcing yourself through the pain barriers etc. I take a much more logical and methodical approach that doesn’t require pumping yourself up and exposing yourself to painful situations.
Like I mentioned above, I believe that cold approaching is the last thing people should learn. There are two types of game, day and night and the approaches are different for both. In day game you are likely to have a more relaxed interaction with girls and speak to the “real” them, where as at night you will probably be meeting them in bars and clubs. Meeting girls in bars and clubs is often very competitive and other factors such as her friends, loud music, alcohol and other men will have effects on your success. Girls also expect to be approached by drunk guys in this environment and will often try to get rid of you as quickly as possible. This is also described as having a “bitch shield”. I am far too lazy to bother to try and disarm this shield or worry about things like frame control etc.
When approaching at night, guys will often use things like alcohol and drugs to help with the anxiety. I personally do not have a problem with drinking (I am quite a fan actually) but to rely on it to meet people will become a crutch. When you are drunk you are not in control of your faculties and can end up making a tit of yourself (trust me I have done this on numerous occasions). When you meet a girl in a club or bar you are also not likely to have much in common with her, unless it is a more specialised venue such as a rock club or salsa bar etc.
When I work with guys when helping them to meet girls they often say that they have nothing to say and are worried about rejection. Both of these issues are very real and will cause problems. However by planning and working out logistics, these issues can be completely avoided and therefore reducing anxiety greatly.
I personally do not like clubs very much, especially the big tacky ones in Central London. I don’t like dealing with drunk girls and I am not trying to kiss close or extract. I know that a lot of PUA guys want to K close and extract and clubs are probably the best bet for doing this. I am however past this stage in my life and I am looking to get into a relationship again. Boring I know, but I guess I am quite old fashioned in many ways.
The first thing I suggest is to actually work out the types of girls that you are interested in. The things that I take into consideration are;
Age
Religion/race
Nationality
Career/job type
Where she lives
Her interests
Drink and drug use
Political and/or social standing
Music tastes
Hobbies and interests
Views on relationships/sex
There are loads more variables to consider but these should get you thinking. When you start to think about what type of girls you like it allows you to meet them in much more natural ways. If you are interested in young drunk girls who are looking to get laid, then they are probably in the big tacky clubs. However would you want to make one of these girls your girlfriend?
I know what types of girls I am interested in and they are not likely to be in “Tiger Tiger” on a Thursday night doing shooters. I am looking for an English girl aged between 24-30, who lives in North London and has an interest in psychology. I also want her to have a good job and an active social life that involves more than getting pissed with her friends. She needs to be an independent person with her own life and interests but is looking to get into a relationship. Also I want to get to know her over a period of time and not just escalate straight away.
Once you start to determine the qualities you are looking for in a girl, you can start to work out the most likely places they will be. Let’s say that there are 1000 girls in a big club, I would guess that less than 5% would come anywhere close to the criteria I am looking for. That means a lot of work opening girls and trying to establish a connection, plus I will be in competition with all the other guys in there. This sounds like far too much hard work for my liking.
Instead of competing with other guys and trying to find girls I might have a connection with, I focus my time and efforts. I am always busy with work and I do not have the time to meet loads of potential girlfriends. One amazing resource I use is meetup.com. Simply make a free online profile and enter your interests, then it brings up a list of events in your area where people are meeting for these exact purposes. It is like shooting fish in a barrel!
This week I am attending two meet ups, one is about creating an impact with your blog and the other is a talk about scepticism and the dangers of holistic therapies. Both of these events I am very much interested in. I would still attend even if I was in a relationship anyway. I know that when I go to these events I am going to be able to speak to anyone easily, naturally and actually have things to say.
When you meet people at a focused event then they are expecting to meet and talk to new people. You have a shared rapport and connection from the start and you will often have girls open you! By taking the techniques you learn in game and putting them into these kind of situations, you can really improve your results and by putting in less effort. This is my kind of Game
So here are some pointers and strategies I use for meeting and dating girls.
Firstly I go through the above list about the type of girls I want to meet. I then use meet up and google to find events where these types of girls would be.
I prepare a lot of the things I am going to talk about! This might sound like having routines, I guess it is. I always research things I am going to talk about with people and I take notes with me. I never run out of things to say because I several topics researched and a cheat sheet about the subject. This also makes me high value as knowledge is a valuable thing.
I make sure that I am dressed well. I will always wear my black pointy shoes, slim cut jeans, black shirt or v neck t-shirt, fitted black blazer. I am always so surprised to see just how badly most men dress. You don’t have to be that well dressed in a smaller group to command attention. In a club environment there will always be better dressed guys than you, not so in small focused groups. It is very easy to get to the top of a small group of people, you are basically running your own race.
When I take a girl’s details it is for a specific reason. I have a wealth of resources when it comes to the things I am interested in. These resources include DVDs, events I am involved in, books, youtube clips, articles, podcasts and a whole load more. I never say “what is the best way to keep in contact” instead I take their email address and send them something they actually want. This is soooooo much more solid. Also I am not afraid of rejection as I am not allowing them to reject me. At this point I am simply offering them something of value that they want and I am not trying to escalate with them. If they ever say “I have a boyfriend” (which they never do when I use these methods by the way) then I would tell them that I am not looking to be their boyfriend. At this point of the interaction I am not interested in escalating with her at all. These days I would only kiss someone who I really like and know well. Seriously I must be getting old.
I like to send girls emails rather than take number for several reasons. One reason is that I am not a fan of texting as it is far too complicated. I also don’t like to be bothered all day long with texts, I have much more important things to do. My voice and 1-2-1 skills are my best features so I want to make sure that I see people in person. I also like emails because in my signature I have links to my website and other things I am involved in. This allows the person to learn more about me in a controlled way.
I do not go on “dates” with girls who I am not already in some sort of relationship with. When I say date I mean going for a drink or for a meal. I much prefer to take girls out on dates who I am already seeing, as it is much more fun and more relaxed. I have never found dating girls a good way to get to know someone. To avoid this I instead invite girls to things I am already doing. This is a much better way of getting to know someone as the thing we are doing has a focus and they usually get to see the best sides of me. If we meet for a drink in a pub then I am likely to just get drunk, the focus is just on each other, we will probably run out of things to talk about and it is generally just a high pressured and awkward situation. Instead by having a girl come to something you are already doing it sends out a much stronger signal. It shows that you have a life and that you are not just trying to sleep with her, so anxiety is reduced. It also allows you to show yourself in your best light. An example is that I give a lot of talks and speeches, it is far better for someone wanting to get to know me to come and see me do this rather than go on a date. I will have a lot of value in the room and they will see me doing something I am good at. Much more attractive than getting smashed and then trying to kiss her. Instead focus on what would cause attraction.
I never begin to escalate when it can’t lead somewhere. If you want people to behave in a certain way, then you need to get them into the state where the behaviour would be natural. I would only escalate properly on a girl when we were in private, either at my place or theirs. I use my skills to guide them into the required states (this is another post) and therefore reducing friction as much as possible. I want things to feel right. Of course I am guiding this, but I do it smoothly and naturally.
Ok this post has gone on for far too long so time to wrap it up. My top tips for reducing approach anxiety are;
1. Work out where the types of girls are that you want to meet
2. Get your fashion and look sorted out
3. Do you research using google and meetup and book up to attend events etc
4. Research conversation topics and create cheat sheets to take with you (I do this!)
5. Go along to the event and meet lots of new people, exchange details for a specific reason
6. Email or contact the girl/s with what you have promised
7. Continue to build comfort via facebook, email, text etc etc
8. Invite them to something you are already doing, preferably where you have social proof and value
9. Build up a lot of comfort and naturally isolate and escalate
10. Have fun times
There is no time scale on these steps, but I do them in this order. I often see girls several times before I want to isolate and escalate with them. I think that this is a great way to find someone who you will have a lot in common with and build a genuine connection. When you meet at event where you have something in common, approaching is so incredibly easy. In fact girls are likely to open you. You will not get “rejected” as girls are not screening you like they do in a club. This allows you to go under the radar and actually get to know her and not some bitch shield.
Logistics are a massive part of game and are so easily overlooked. I am going to be writing a lot of articles about logistics and how to get things sorted out. Confidence comes through competency! The more you plan and do, the more competent you become.
Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)
CHAT