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Hi guys,
For the past 8 years or so I have been aware of my social anxiety in certain situations that I try and avoid.
I sometimes begin to sweat, get hot ,flushed and cant speak during situations where I am by myself.
I feel fine when im with a friend or a girl but because I am quite short,5ft 5 I often notice that people look at me when I am in these situations. I am 30 years old but look quite young but would say Im a good looking guy/
Does anyone have a good starting resource for me to help with this?
Many thanks
Hey cameroona!
Being just a little bit older than you (I'm now 42), I'm really glad that you've shared your problem
with us, because not only was I there myself but also I know many guys stuck in this situation.
Having gone through exactly the same kind of experience of starting to sweat and feeling that
feverish heat all over my skin when being in a public place surrounded by women, I can tell you
that you're now at a serious risk of getting stuck in a mental disorder if you don't decide to do
something about it.
The first thing that I'd like you to do is just to understand that what initially pushed you into
this frustrating situation are essentially two things:
a) trying very hard to become somebody who you are not while desperately trying to
adopt and live by the model of behavior that doesn't really suit your true personality, and
b) getting seduced into believing that picking up an endless number of women just to have
sex with them is really something that you could call part of your true happiness or passion,
while in fact, this very activity is nothing but part of a pure obsession that you don't truly
enjoy and that in the first place you've subconsciously got forced to believe that you should
enjoy no matter what, because somebody taught you that this is the way of how you become
that ideal alpha man.
That said, a good way for you to understand the true nature of your frustrating situation is to
fully understand one of my favorite Bruce Lee's quotes that says:
"We do not become, we simply are."
What I'm trying to point out to you here is that like many other guys including myself who ended up
in the pickup arts community mainly because our self esteem got badly hurt sometime during our early
age and all we're now trying to do is just lift it up or fix it through gaining a kind of sexual gratification
based on sleeping with as many women as possible in our lifetime, you seem to be stuck in exactly
the same kind of situation.
Before I go on telling you a little bit of my story that perfectly relates to your situation, let me ask
you a simple question.
Have you ever asked yourself that important
"Do I really enjoy it?" question when
trying to attract and pick up women?
Asking myself this question was a huge light bulb moment in my life, because it helped me realize
that everything I was doing in the area of attracting and picking up women for years was purely
the result of just acting under the pressure - the unnecessary pressure of constantly forcing myself
into doing what I didn't really love and enjoy at all.
What made me keep forcing myself to boldly approach random women just to pick them up as my
sexual objects was my initial belief that doing it was part of my true passion.
Guess what. I was wrong.
All my sexual advances that I was constantly forcing myself into was a pure obsession that
I now like to call my false passion.
My pickup and sex obsession started mostly as the outcome of dating related peer pressure
from my childhood.
I got stuck in this obsession for two reasons:
a) I initially didn't fit in the social circles of my peers because I didn't really like most of
their behaviors, and
b) my inner resistance toward the peer pressure grew so much that I gradually got myself
into thinking of creating my own international playboy lifestyle surrounded by the most
beautiful women that I'd have lots of fun and sex with for the rest of my life.
As a result, my pickup and sex obsession got me stuck in a long-term sexual addiction with
the symptoms of the two most common men's mental disorders known as borderline pesonality
disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
Now here's an important thing that I'd really like you to understand.
The reason I've earlier told you that you're doing absolutely fine in your specific situation is because
I'd like you to really understand that the approach anxiety that you feel is nothing bad at all.
Furthermore, your approach anxiety is like your guardian angel protecting you from getting stuck
in the kind of obsession I told you about a minute ago. It's there to protect you from getting in
the bad habit of constantly feeling under pressure of having to necessarily approach and pick up
random women wherever you go. It's also there to protect you from feeling guilty of missing out
on the opportunities to approach and pick up women as you described in your post.
Here're two reasons why your approach anxiety is your best friend and why you should not try
to beat it or overcome it in any way:
1) Again, your approach anxiety is there to save you from getting trapped in the situation that
you wouldn't naturally feel comfortable with and wouldn't really enjoy it in a long run. By the way,
I'm saying "in a long run" because most of us when we get stuck in chasing an obsession,
we're seduced to believe that what we're doing is really something that we fully love and enjoy doing.
2) Trying to beat your approach anxiety by getting in the habit of boldly approaching
as many random women in a day as possible is not only a form of validation seeking but
also something that will push you into an endless out-of-control, self destructive and
compulsive sexual behaviors that are characteristic of the behaviors of guys who suffer
from borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.
By the way, I'm neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist but just a guy like you who got
involved in the pickup community just to learn the game while never thinking of any mental
health dangers as the result of doing it.
Today I'm proud to say that I have a solid knowledge about the two most common men's
mental heath disorders that come purely as the outcome of practising the pua game: borderline
personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
As you can guess, I got into the trouble of learning about these mental disorders because my
severe approach anxiety (that I'd never ever experienced before) was getting worse and worse
and making me feel so distressed even at the times I was about to just take a short trip to my
local supermarket to buy something that I really felt I was not only losing my mental health but
also losing my whole self at such a fast speed that was out of my control.
In short, my one year long mental health educational journey got me to learn the 3 main
causes of all my pains and struggles linked with being involved in the game:
a) the first thing that got me in the habit of constantly pushing myself to boldly approach random
women in different social situations was my approach anxiety, because my approach anxiety
subconsciously became my main motivational trigger that was making me boldly approach
random women especially in high-risk social situations.
The more approach anxiety I felt, the more encouraged and motivated I was to approach a
random woman no matter what kind of situation she was in and who she was potentially with
at the time.
b) the second thing that got me in the same unhealthy habit of constantly forcing myself to
boldly approach any random woman that I was sexually attracted to was an abnormal sense
of entitlement. I later realized that I'd absorbed this sense of entitlement and got it to become
part of my personality through the process of learning the game since most pua trainers often
teach guys to feel entitled to freely approach any woman they like.
As the result of my mental health research, I learned that one of the main behavioral traits
of the guys who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder is exactly the same kind of
unhealthy sense of entitlement when boldly approaching random women anywhere they go.
c) the self-destructive habit of constantly forcing myself to boldly approach random women
in dangerous, high-risk situations is one of the main behavioral traits of sociopaths and the
guys who suffer from borderline personality disorder.
In short, the most common symptom of the men suffering from borderline personality disorder
is boldly engaging in dangerous life situations. In terms of dating and picking up women, this
refers to any kind of out-of-control, compulsive sexual behavior where a man often stupidly
exposes himself to an unnecessary risk or danger of getting harmed in one way or another,
because he starts to feel guilty if he doesn't take the challenge of getting himself involved
in such situation.
By the way, what I've just shared with you are also the symptoms of sexual addiction.
So, this is exactly how my initial pickup and sex obsession turned into a long-term sexual
addiction with the symptoms of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.
And, here's the conclusion I got to after I finally got myself out of this whole trouble.
I got stuck in the vicious circle of anxiety-driven, out-of-control, compulsive sexual behaviors
around meeting women for years purely because of my childhood's hurt self-esteem that I
desperately wanted to lift up by sleeping with as many women in my entire lifetime as possible
just to be able to defiantly show off to my peers how sexually powerful and successful with
women I was.
Hope you find this post enlightening and helpful.
Bruno
CHAT
