I came across this video on YouTube about social anxiety and it has really got me thinking. There might be something to what this guy is saying:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hAc5LCkkqw

I have never heard anybody put it this way before, but it does kind of make sense. I actually have a friend that has said to me before that if you have social anxiety then that means you have low self-esteem. That didn't make sense to me at the time and I even argued with her about it. I guess it's because when I think of someone with low self-esteem I picture someone who is negative and miserable, and probably smokes cigarettes, and doesn't take good care of their health because they hate themselves. And, then I think, nope that's not me. I don't smoke or do things that harm my body. I try to take care of myself, even exercise everyday. I don't think I'm negative and miserable. And I don't hate myself, although I do hate things about myself.

And a family member who knows how bad my social anxiety is has said to me many times before, "You're just as good as the next person". And, that never really made sense to me either. I would always respond with, "it has nothing to do with that, it's not that I think people are better than me. I just don't know what to say to people". But, in that video that guy says that social anxiety is really self shame. That really got me thinking. I mean there are some things that I don't like about myself. When it comes to having a girlfriend for example, I actually feel kind of like I'm not worthy of it in a way because of my situation - I have no job no income, live with my dad, have some health issues. I guess I can't imagine why any girl would want to be with a guy like that. Makes me feel like I have nothing going for myself, nothing to offer.

But, I've always been really shy (even before this situation). I can't seem to pin point exactly what it is about myself that I am ashamed of, if indeed it is self shame that I have. I know I have social anxiety but do you guys think that what this guy is saying is true? Is social anxiety low self-esteem/self shame, or do you think there's more to it than that?

Social anxiety comes from low self esteem and insecurities. Basically what happens is your mind makes an image of you based on your experiences. So if you had bad experiences with girls you will make yourself believe you will be bad with girls. If you have good experiences with girls then you will make yourself believe you will be good with girls.

In order to fix this you will need to acquire some good experiences with girls or "reference points". The more good experiences with girls you will receive the more you will think of yourself as being good with girls. When you get enough reference points it will become normal to you and anxiety will be minimum.

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"Experience is the teacher of all things"

I had a really good time watching this video and reading this post last night after having my christmas dinner and before going out with my friends.
I did wrote down what the guy on the vid had to say, and it does makes sense. I have to admit Im ashamed somehow about myself.

Im a man with insecurityies; and now that I think about it, Im no longer sure if females look for confidence in a man or just a protector. A guy who will make her feel safe, secure. Of course, usually both this traits comes hand by hand.

Im having a hard time figuring out what is it specifically that makes me feel insecure other than my looks; and I know Im not that bad looking. Average is the word, but like the vid says: you need to change it with self love, so average is not something I can accept.

Thanks for sharing.

How are your conversational/creativity skills dude? Imagine going up to someone and having fun with them instantly, is that possible for you? What situations would that be?

If you know people will want you, you won't have the anxiety issue. It's not about if YOU like yourself, it's about if you think THEY will like you.

It's easier to think that other people will like you though when you do indeed like yourself. And if you don't like yourself, or things about yourself, it's going to be harder to think that other people will like you. Liking yourself is important, that's why so many PUAs talk about liking yourself and becoming the kind of guy that you want to be.

Yeah low self esteem is a part of it.. but alot of it is due to the beliefs and programming you have. And that programming come from your past experiences, all the way back to when you were a child. Alot of these reasons are the same reasons you have low self esteem.

Say when you were a kid and you got picked on alot at school and in social situations and had all kinds of bad experiences. Then you will develop the coping mechanism of 'social anxiety' however that is manifested for you. The experiences create the beliefs and the patterns you keep repeating your whole life UNTIL you learn to deal with it, let it go and replace it with something else.

I've done this using things such as EFT, Sedona Method, Hypnosis. But i've found EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) the best for me to change these memories in the end, more specifically Matrix Reimprinting which is all about going back and talking to your past self and dealing with the issue back when it was created. It sounds very 'out there' I know but it really works. The theory is that at the time of a trauma a part of you breaks off and is still holding onto the trauma, so it is really symbolic imagining communicating with your past self.. you are just dealing with the part that is holding onto it and allowing it to realize it is safe to let it go then changing it around to something that serves you.

It's one of these things that is hard to explain with text but i'd reccomend you look into EFT and if that isn't for you there is Sedona Method/Release technique.

Hopefully that helps.

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A Dominant Force In Self-Development For Men!

http://www.dominantalpha.com/

I've tried The Sedona Method before. I can't see how that could work for social anxiety though. Like you said, social anxiety has to do with your programming, so it seems a bit deeper of an issue. I think The Sedona Method might be good for things like letting go of anger or jealousy or some other negative feeling. But, when it comes to programmed beliefs I'm not sure how you would get it to work.

I have tried hypnosis before also where I would listen to like a 15 minute hypnosis recording everyday for social confidence. But, for some reason I can't seem to stick with it. Kind of like daily meditation, I just hate sitting there so bad that I keep putting it off and don't end up doing it.

EFT though according to everything I've read, sounds pretty promising. A lot of people have been helped by it when nothing else has worked for them. And it supposedly the fasted way to let go of things, sometimes it only takes a couple of minutes of tapping.

The problem I have is that it's hard for me to imagine an anxious situation to the point where I actually begin to feel anxious. I can't do it. I can't imagine myself anxious like that. I have to actually be in the moment to feel any anxiety at all. I don't know how people could have such good imaginations. And, that is important because you have to rate your anxiety level from 1-10 before tapping, so that you can rate yourself after to see if you feel any better. I try really hard to imagine myself in a social situation that would make me anxious, but yet I feel 0 anxiety. Now if I was actually there in that social situation my anxiety would shoot up to like a 10, but since I'm not really there I can't imagine that.

You obviously aren't going to want to do your tapping in public (during the anxious situation) because people will think you're crazy, but they say you can go to a bathroom and do it. Ok, but, the moment you walk away from an uncomfortable social situation to go to the bathroom your anxiety is going to immediately dissipate anyway as you walk away. So, I have been practicing EFT tapping anyway even though it seems impossible for me to imagine myself anxious and I can't really rate it. And so far I haven't noticed anything, so I'm not really sure how other people are getting this to work. Is it something where you're going to notice a instant sudden shift, or do you start to notice over time as find yourself becoming more and more comfortable in social situations?

I do prefer EFT to Sedona Method. I just mentioned it because it may be better for you.

It soudns like when you were doing hypnosis your mind was trying to resist it, kind of like "oh shit there might be a change here i'm gonna make him stop listening to it."

The issue I have with hypnosis is that it doesn't clear out the negative stuff it only really piles the positive on top. To get deeper change it's important to do both.

EFT is advertised as a few minute miracle. It can definately help you feel better. But if it is a compliated issue it takes time and consistency. Something like social anxiety your not going to get rid of in a few minutes unfortunately.

Ok you can't imagine a situation where you would feel anxious. What about if you think of a time in the past where you actually were anxious. Does that bring up any feelings?

But even if you can't feel it you can still tap on the thoughts coming up, feeling blocked, feeling unable to connect with that anxiety, what people are saying, internal dialogue.

Haha yeah I wouldn't reccomend tapping in public, you could get some interesting reactions! That is what I used to do as you said, goto the bathroom and tap when something come up.

It's something where you can notice both of those things. Sometimes you can notice an instant shift. But it is more a long term thing as with any change. You just keep working on it consistently and sometimes it seems to improve. Sometimes more gets triggered and it 'seems' worse. But generally you notice things getting better. It only seems worse sometimes in the process because you are stirring things up.

_________________
A Dominant Force In Self-Development For Men!

http://www.dominantalpha.com/

Have a look at these videos. Robert Smith does another version of EFT and it may be better for you beginning. Watching these in order should give you a good introduction.

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLB0F36C2C7F4BB94D

_________________
A Dominant Force In Self-Development For Men!

http://www.dominantalpha.com/

Some interesting posts here guys. I can't add a lot to the discussions above, as I've never tried any of those things mentioned and thankfully have never been so anxious in social situations that I genuinely feel nervous.

Just to pick up on kurt's opening post though - where you say you're really shy and don't know what to say, but you're not sure if it's low self esteem holding you back.

I think there needs to be some differentiation between actively disliking yourself, and worrying about whether others will like you. Now, even if you're in love with yourself and extremely egotistical, you can be a quiet person because you are worried how people will react to what you say. Maybe you just 'don't know what to say', but this is a bit of a myth. Very rarely will you be genuinely lost for words, maybe after a big shock or something. The rest of the time, you only 'don't know what to say', because your brain kicks in before your mouth and you worry about what people will think, so you try and think of the 'best' thing to say and end up saying nothing.

That is, I suppose, a form of low self esteem, but it's not linked to disliking yourself. Both are common. But the two need different resolutions. If you don't like yourself, you need a major course on 'inner game' and confidence building. If, though, you actually quite like yourself but you just don't seem to know what to say, you think too much etc. then it's less about building your inner confidence, and more on just accepting who you are.

Personally, I don't buy into a lot of the stuff that's written on here that tries to teach you how to accept who you are. I don't think there is a trick or a way to do that other than going out and deliberately forcing yourself to say the first thing that pops into your head. When you do that (instead of thinking first), you might make a fool of yourself the first couple of times, but the more you do it, the more you realise that actually it's not so bad. Eventually you get to a stage where you just say the first thing that pops into your mind all the time and you're fine with doing it. That's what happened to me anyway.