So basically in high school up to the first year of uni I was extremely sociable, very approachable and had a huge number of friends. I got along with everybody and relished each social interaction. Everything was fine!

Now everything is totally different, or atleast that’s how I see it. I’ll try and keep this short but gonna relate to specific situations and times etc so might take a while! Btw i'm 22yrs old, had 3 ltrs and multiple one night stands etc.

For the past year or so ive begun to notice my relationships with [i]anyone[/i] drastically change. In fact now that i’m writing this i’m beginning to realise it’s definitely me who has the issues but can’t quite put my finger on a few things. Maybe you guys can help...

In [i]every[/i] social situation I now find myself in, I’m constantly thinking of what to say next/what the other person is thinking/what my body language is saying etc. I cant ever relax.
Because i’m so concerned about this, I feel as though i’m not even physically there when people are talking to me. I just don’t feel anything! No rapport or real connection anymore....anyone else felt this way!?

Ive felt pretty depressed for over a year now and need to get out of this rut. I had an amazing life before this downward spiral so i desperately want to get back on track. At the start of most nights i go out i put myself in a good mood to talk to people, but after a few hours this deteriorates, even worse with alcohol.

The worst part about it is i’m realising the people i’m talking to have probably caught onto this. How likely is it that im telegraphing these insecurities? I mean i know what im saying to people and the way I see it the things im asking/saying are perfectly reasonable for a normal conversation. I must admit though, when talking i sometimes don’t even believe in what im saying, i just say it for the sake of the conversation.

The way people treat me has changed a lot because of this, and its starting to deeply affect my self esteem. I would say at the moment confidence is extremely low mostly because of some of the reactions i get from people >> i’ve heard on numerous occasions now things ppl r saying under their breath but loud enough (intentionally??) for me to hear, from the not so harsh to very angry
(just had a flashback - people i kind of know/through school etc. who look for fights id never have a problem with and be cool, now if i end up speaking to them (not out of choice) i can feel the tension so try and eject myself from that situation)

Anyway... back to examples >> ive heard them say ‘well that was boring’ (after talking about something), ‘youre a ..(insert abuse)’ and although i hate to admit it one guy mate say ‘i really don’t like you’. – I do feel as though im creating this tension though – don’t mean to ofcourse. i want to get on with people, which may be the reason why people are saying this stuff –

Is it possible to be so socially awkward at times that it makes people wanna say stuff like this?? There are a few more examples of this and it happens regularly. All of these from people i (used to) have good relationships with. Before you go thinking it may be down to something i’ve done, most of the people who said things like this aren’t in connection or don’t know each other so its clearly something im doing...
I was at a party the other week and knew only a handful of people but they were all talking about me in their groups - not paranoia at all, people were pointing and quickly changing the subject when i was near. thinking this must have been down to my social awkwardness??..

Friends have also asked me out of the blue and even when ive been speaking to them fine before blatantly ‘what are you doing here?’..wtf what a dickheadish thing to say. I feel crushed when stuff like this is said so that must come out in body language/how i speak to them after this is said.

Another unnecessary thing is when people say ‘im not youre mate/friend bla bla’ in a ‘jokey’ kind of way when drunk out of the blue...i feel as if im bringing the worst out in people, if thats possible, due to my own insecurities and poor (current) social skills.
Im thinking that saying something like that may be a shit test from the person saying it just to see how youd (me) react, so they feel as if theyd have one up on you. Thoughts??
If thats true i know i shouldn’t take the bait and bite back, but the fact that theyd say something like that in the first place makes me feel extremely weak whilst showing i have no respect from them.
Also feel that when im talking in a group, people are using ‘code’ (just like girl code) to show that they are uninterested, or even making gestures when im not looking.

Im becoming pretty anti social by making excuses for reasons not to go out, when the real reason is that i can’t face talking to people in this fucked up state.

Apologies for the long post, hope its understandable.

In summary,

-Is there a way to fix this and rebuild the relationships to what they once were? This is the only place Ive talked about it..

-Anyone been in a similar situation/have links in forums to people who have been here? I'm sure i'm not the only one that's felt like this.


Thanks guys,

whiterussiandude

I have experienced the exact same thing you are going through. You can read all the details in the first post I made on here, but basically it said that growing up I was very sociable/outgoing and not afraid to talk to ANYBODY. I made friends easily, I remember at one point having so many friends that I started shunning the less cool friends. Around 6th grade that all changed. I decided I wanted a gf and I was foolishly under the impression that I had to fit a "cool guy" stereotype in order to do so. So I went all out trying to be somebody I'm not and failing miserably, I lost all my confidence and self esteem and not until recently have I gained most of it back.

Sorry for the story but it is relevant.

So first off you need to identify the cause of your social downfall. A law of physics is "things will remain the same until there is a reason for it to change" or something like that (I suck at science). Meaning that nothing just changes out of the blue, there has to be a fundamental reason for your loss of social skill. Identify that and then your on your way.

Next you said you "don't even believe what your saying". NEVER do that. You are abandoning who you are in doing so. Conversation comes from emotion-how you feel. What ever you are feeling is what you will be saying. If you are happy and feeling great, everything you say will reflect that you're feeling happy and great. Likewise if you are feeling down and "blah" (like I used to and sometimes still do) then your conversation will reflect that your feeling down and blah. If you don't respect yourself enough to say what you are really feeling, then of course you are telegraphing insecurities, which is a huge turn off to people. They will see you as "not genuine." They will see that your attitude does not reflect your vibe or your body language and then they subconsciously know "something's not right here" and they will think you are weird. (been there, done that.)

"The way people treat me has changed a lot because of this, and its starting to deeply affect my self esteem."

This is bad news. It is true that people treating you badly will have an effect on your self esteem, but there is a way around that. You are basing your mood or confidence around what people say, this is called "seeking validation" (which is where neediness comes from BTW) which is not a true form of confidence anyway. Instead, shift your focus to "internal" meaning be confident because you know who you are and you love yourself, and it doesn't matter what anybody says or thinks. This is the only true confidence.

Yes, people giving you compliments and telling your great will make you FEEL more confident, but the second you don't receive those compliments anymore, you will go right back to feeling down and blue. If you are confident with yourself, you won't be dependant on compliments to make you feel good.

So here is your homework:

Over time I have come across some very good articles and material that I believe has added so much to my confidence and helping me to better love myself, and I would like to share this material with you.

Daygame . com is a very good source of detailed information for the very things I have talked about. They have very good videos/articles/podcasts that helped me so much.

If you don't watch/read/listen to anything else on daygame . com, listen to

This podcast: (talks about external vs internal validation)
http://www.daygame.com/podcast/the-dayg ... aware-man/

And this one: (more good inner game stuff)
http://www.daygame.com/podcast/episode- ... e-beliefs/

Watch this video:

http://www.daygame.com/videos/how-to-lo ... lf-esteem/

These are the main ones but if you just surf around you will find all kinds of good stuff to help you.

You can also go to PUATraining . com/puablog for tons more articles.

I hope this helps, feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Good luck man!

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