took out some parts from let's make mary it's a funny parody seduction book


now that your ready you first must select your subject. preferably a homosapian female around the same age. now this may be simpler than it sounds or perhaps sounds simpler than it is. you can find girls on the streets, in subway, at resteraunts, or any other public convenience. before selecting think of what it takes for her to be a qualified mate. ask yourself...


1. is she likely to scream?
2. loud?
3. for more or for help?
4. do i need help?


if you answered the last question affirmative then ask yourself: what is the core of my problems? am i then a man or a mouse? if she in fact screams then it could possibably be that you are a mouse. go to the public library and ask for the files on mice. observe the data and photographs of mice then find a mirror and compare it to yourself. if you satisfy yourself that you are not a mouse then another reason for her screaming could be that she is in excrutiating pain. examin her and make sure there are no sharp objects injected anywhere into her body. if in fact you find a sharp object piercing her flesh it is important not to laugh, cry, scream, fart, or run away. if you must fart say excuse me. remove the object then apply for a membership in your nearest boyscout troop, crediting the removed object as your first good deed








so do you want to seduce her? at first glance that qeustion may seem silly, at second glance it will appear downright idiotic, and if you glance at it a third time then your just downright idiotic. the reason for my qeustion sprouts from a young man named bill. bill one day came across a charming young lady. he gazed at what he thought was an angel. he thought of how he was not with her and had an empty feeling in his gut. bill decided he wanted to make the girl his and prepared himself for nearly three hours. after all the effort he was finaly ready, but he soon relized that the empty feeling in his gut was just because he was hungry. so he decided to just order pizza and go rent a movie instead. so the moral of the story is to make sure that you realy want to seduce her.







ask yourself: what makes me want to seduce this person? is my pulse-beat faster. then take time to feel your pulse. if you are unable to locate it then one of two things has happened


1. you misplaced it somewhere and it will turn up where you least expect it







2. you havent any pulse at all. in which case you are dead







in either case run, do not walk, to the nearest doctor to settle the matter. he will look at you with disgust, find your pulse somewhere under your thumb, and say "twenty dollars please." while leaving the hospital take time to wonder what happened to the girl you were going to seduce.







now that you have selected your target and are sure you want to seduce her it is time for the approach. allow me to divide the approach into two sections













1. physical







2. mental


physicaly approaching is putting yourself in close proximity with the girl. supposing you are not yet closer then four or five feet from the girl, face towards her, lift your left foot from the ground. swing it forward and place it firmly in front of your right. shift the weight to your left foot and then swing your right foot in front of it. carry on this action continuously, with alternate feet. you are now in motion, this act is called "walking". if done correctly this should move you closer to the girl. if within a foot of her then stop or you will have a collision. you may also cover the same distance, if desired, by roller skates, crawling, scooter, pogo stick, or on a stretcher. if there is a stream or pond inbetween you and the girl, and the weather permits, then you might swim or row. if using rollar skates roll gracefully up to her. try and stop. however you cant stop and you crash into the poor girl. she falls over and your stopped dead in your tracks. chuckle and say with a droll expression "i see your falling for me" then duck to avoid injury. there should be no reason for you to be crawling, except for being different, and therefor arousing her interest. looking down she will say "what on earth are you doing?" to which the only sensibal answer is, obviously "crawling on my hands and knees you dope!" then stand. she asks why. simply look forward dreamily and say "youll never know... but lets talk about you for a while" this will set you in her mind as mysterious and if she isnt looking at you like you are insane then you have succesfuly piqued her interest.







The mental approach is makeing a connection between your state of mind and your targets state of mind. Before the mental approach establish that you indeed have a mind. also it is important to make sure she has a mind. anyways before you lose your mind, you must have a light, amusing conversation while trying to "cover up" that you are probing into the very soul of the person. the less suspicion she has of your motives the better. in some cases you might want to resort to card tricks or parlor tricks to distract her so that you can make your observations. watch carefully does she seem bored by your card tricks. if yes either:














1. it could indicate a father fixation


2. your a horribal magician














if the three of hearts, which she selected, fails to turn up in the waitors coat pocket as you you predicted then you are just a lousy magician. of course you don't have to resort to magic you can simply try the conversational approach. for example, she casually mentions she is to see her aunt later today for tea. you can then pull subjects from her statement and say


"oh yeah! by the way, i had an aunt that was once assaulted by a chinese man."








"what?" she adds "assaulted?"








"oh, yes" you laugh "it was very amusing "








"indeed" she states, looking at you oddly








"ofcourse there were no conseqeunces..." you assure her "...so what do you think of assault?"








"i dont think of it" she answers








"well ofcourse not, naturally... so do you fancy people that think about assault?" you ask








"why would i fancy people that think of assault?" she asks back








you further add "why not?"







meanwhile your first observations should include







1. how old is she?







2. what difference does it make?







3. is there more than meets the eye?








try and find out her age without seeming to intrusive. if you figure out she is to young or old for you then move onto qeustion two. make sure she is legal then proceed to qeustion three. when you are in the middle of talking to a woman, although she may be physicaly attractive, you may discover she is intellectually indifferent or "stupid". in the middle of explaining something to her she may not catch a single word you say, stare at you dreamily, then lean in and kiss you. at this point you may become confused. the joyful feeling running through your body is mixed with the anger that you didnt get to finish telling your exciting story.








now assuming the girl is wise it is now time to further move into seduction. the next step may be expressed in algebraic form as: A+x/b*1/4c=x(h2o) so now by this point you just have to avoid making any mistakes. lets say you two are together in her apartment on the 20th story just coming in from looking over the balcony.







"oh, this is madness... madness!" she stutters







"but such a thrilling madness" you say and bring her into your arms and kiss her. suddenly there is a knock at the door.







"what was that" she gasps







"i think it was someone knocking at the door" you claim. the noise is made again. "it is somone knocking at the door" you say to yourself.







"oh no! my husband john" she says nervously "he cant find us in here together"







"my dear... i didnt know you had a husband" you plead







she whispers to you in panic "get out of here"







"where should i go?" you ask







"go to hell for all i care" she snaps and trys to push you off the balcony. just then john busts in and catches you two together.







"so you have a man in here?" he says frusterated







"well what did you expect a gorilla?" she replied sarcasticly







"nice one" you remark admiring her witty comeback.







"thanks" she says with a giggle. meanwhile after many screams from john you try and talk your way out of it. you explain to him that you are an actor and this was all an act and a practical joke.







"acting?" john wonders outloud. you all share a smile and go to shake his hand. he instead brutely punches you in the face.







"what does this mean" you ask "you dont believe me?"







"no, i believe you, i just dont like actors" he replies








so by this time you should be an expert seducer. if you're not its your own fault, you should have paid better attention.