My name is Daniel. I was born 1990 as a lightweight, sickish boy. After a few months, my parents parted ways. For the next 9 or 10 years my father would visit me every second weekend, and unfortunately most of the times he was here I’d just play computer games.

We lived right besides my future kindergarten and my grandparents. At ages 3-4 I went to a pre-school paygroup where I’m said to be a playful, happy young boy. I don’t know much about that time.

At age 4 I went to kindergarten. I was a thoughtful yet playful boy, but for some reason also started to prefer doing things on my own or with the friend I made. We had to choose an animal to mark our place on the bench, and I chose the snail. I was a fragile human being. I had to start wearing glasses and a patch on one eye to make me use the other one. Iirc some made fun of me, and I guess it hurt me. I spent a lot of time with my two friends, with one of them also outside of kindergarten. I also started playing computer games at that age, mostly “The Settlers” which I got from my father. I wasn’t exactly friends with a lot of the boys, but every other morning I had several “love letters” from the girls there, and happily “read” and responded to them. There also was a girl called Melody who was the first girl I ever had a crush on. Sadly I’d only see her one more time in my life and screw up my chances.

After the two years of kindergarten (I was too short, so they didn’t let me go after 1 year) we moved to another part of the city. I started going to grade school (1st to 6th grade). Neighbour kids asked me to come play outside, but all they wanted to play was soccer. I played along at first, but I really started not to like it and rather spend time with my computer.

Grade School
I had it a little rough, since most of the other children already knew at least a part of the class from kindergarten (there was a kindergarten right beside the school). Most of the kids in my class and the parallel class made fun of me and bullied me for wearing glasses and being a “nerd”. One girl who especially provoked me I used to beat up regularly for that, and of course I was the guilty one. I found two other outcasts to befriend, one of which unfortunately had to leave after a year.

In first grade I also had my first “girlfriend” which I accompanied to and from home, since she lived kinda close and didn’t make fun of me. I still recall those lighthearted moments when walking home with her and talking about everything. She was a really intelligent and cute girl. Of course I got bullied for that as well, and I probably reacted in the worst possible ways, and what happened there really broke something major inside me, together with the other bullying.

I spent the next years more or less getting along with the other kids, making two more friends, a boy and a girl. I was that kid which, when teams in sport were voted, always got voted last. I started to be that kid who got neither informed nor invited to other kids’ parties and whatnot. At least when having to work in groups I could rely on my “friends”. My best friend unfortunately had to leave after 4th grade. I just was the typical outcast, at an age where that is not even supposed to exist.

I started sailing at some point during those six years, and ended it pretty soon again since I got bored, wasn’t really successful and didn’t make friends there. I also had to play flute for a year so I was allowed to get a keyboard (piano). I didn’t practice very regularly though.

At 6th grade a few new people, mostly foreigners, joined our class and that really went well. I almost caught up on being normal for the last time during this year. And also, for the first time, I noticed how far behind and disconnected I was. I noticed that people actually did things together in groups besides school and besides hobbies and started “going out”. Of course I didn’t manage to get into anything like that. One of the new people was a girl originally from Germany I initially kinda disliked. I

don’t know why, it was just the first impression. One day we both couldn’t attend the sport lesson and stayed in the classroom, talking the whole hour, and I totally fell for her. Of course dumb 11yo me didn’t say anything, and also subsequently never really managed to get into conversation again. I guess I still was afraid that people would again start to bully me for having a girlfriend. Nonetheless, during the school camp we had a “school disco” and whenever there was a slow-paced song we were dancing very close together, until someone noticed that we were dancing together all the time and she stopped.

We also had a theatre which traditionally the 6th grade had to enact. For some reason I got the main role, and I did really well. For the two days we performed it I was a very happy boy, and everyone complimented me on how excellent I did.

Middle School
I, as well as everyone else, had to switch school for 7th grade, and it was a rough school. One of my friends left, and the other friendship didn’t survive. As the outcast I was the natural target for everyone to pick on and bully, and of course I defended myself with everything I had. In the end it was always me who was guilty for everything, and I didn’t get support from anyone during those 3 years. I reacted by hiding my weaknesses and subsequently my whole self. I tried by all means not to make any mistakes and to make it “impossible” for them to find any reasons to bully me. Nice way to bring yourself into a deep depression and isolation.

During more than 6 months that girl from 6th grade who I had a crush on made obvious advances towards me, even very physical ones during lunch breaks, and I think she really couldn’t have been clearer in telling me what she wanted without actually saying “I want you”. While totally wanting her to be with me, the moron I was still rejected her, and I hated myself for it. I was too afraid of all the people and how they’d react and what they’d do to me.

Towards the end of 7th grade I outright told my mother I didn’t want to live anymore, and even tried to kill myself using a bathrobe band. She didn’t really care. I had a hard time sleeping at all and spent a lot of time deeply thinking about life. I started programming, and I spent more time with the computer and reading books than ever before, to escape the cruel reality out there.

While I didn’t actually try to commit suicide again the next years, the overall situation didn’t get any better. Additionally to the fact how much the bullying and the “what if?” concerning my crush already was a weight on me. I started thinking that maybe I wasn’t meant to live a happy life. Maybe I was just meant to work so other people had a better life. Maybe I wasn’t meant to socialize, to get friends and a girlfriend. I actually started to be pretty convinced about that.

Those three years got along pretty much the same. It would have been 3 years, but my grades were too bad. Sidenotes being that I had to vomit while being in the school choir (we all had to be up on the stage and the air was terrible) and of course got made fun of because of it, losing 100.- in a bet where I claimed to create a whole game in 2 months, I picked up rowing and quit it a year later, a girl believing in that the length of the hand = penis size making the statement “ouch” and me not wanting to act in a movie our german teacher wanted to make with us. Yes, they brought me down so much that I didn’t even want to do what I was talented in. In the end I had to do a silent side-role.

High School
In high school I again had to start from zero concerning any sorts of relationships. And to be honest I was happy it was this way. I got myself some enemies in my class, but also some pretty good friends. I spent my whole free time programming and gaming, sometimes online-gaming with a friend, and reading books. I wouldn’t have known what to do otherwise. My two friends also didn’t really do anything.

I remember the first day pretty well. I was nervous. After those three years stuck with idiots and in a role I didn't want to play anymore, I knew I had to be careful not to mess up on the first few days, or I'd be screwed for the next four years again. Over the course of the first day I had to notice to my horror that I didn't "just fit in". I almost panicked a little inside. I just sat there...
I luckily found two other rather quiet human beings so I joined them.

I had my last fight in this first year of high school, and I somewhat divided my class into people being ok with me and people not liking me at all because of some of my political views and my sarcastic remarks. I spent most of my time besides school with programming and some times reading. Once in a while I played online with one of those I made friends with. Life was somewhat bearable again, though I really had problems with being depressed and having those "social anxieties" and basic distrust in people. But I didn't do anything about it. Since I was a rather quiet boy, my mother sent me to a psychologist to check if I'm authistic, but of course I was not. I didn't get anything out of those talks with psychologists. In the end I had to fill out a questionnaire, and the conclusion he made was simply: "Hm. You're absolutely normal. Though I'm a bit surprised that you had difficulties to explain the difference between colleagues and friends. And that you seem to hide a lot of aggression below your surface. Goodbye."

I started playing guitar for music class, and I went to the small choir of the school where I felt accepted in our group of around 25 people, and I could open up a little. I didn't really change anything though, and my avolition was kinda bad as well. After 3.5 years I had to repeat a class due to having bad grades. I totally struggled integrating into the new class and got picked upon again, but luckily found two friends there. Half a year later they "threw me out" for me not having better grades.

I had the luck to being able to go to a residential school and pick up school where I left off. And there, for the first time, I felt accepted. Everybody knew I was totally new there and they helped me a great deal to integrate into class. I had a crush on a beautiful shy redhead girl from the parallel class (though I didn't do anything about it really... once again.). When they went out for a drink in the evening, they invited me. We hung out outside in the afternoons. At music, which was my additional subject since they didn't have computer science, girls asked me on the first days to "play on the guitar so they could sing along".

Well, that kinda stopped after a while, but I joined the theater group and we were an amazing team. I was completely happy for acting again. Over the performances we did I had great roles. One fun moment was when I went into the computer room we had, sat down and then heard one of the guys from my class who also was in the theater group talking with someone else about me, mostly about me in the theater group and they didn't stop complimenting me for that they didn't expect that and they think I'm really talented... Until, at the end I surprised them with a "thank you". They were almost shocked For the second (and, unfortunately, my last) piece we played different small pieces, and I got to do the ending, the main role. Everyone in the audience afterwards came congratulating me in person for how well I did. And even though I was glad, I also felt bad for the rest of the team who worked just as hard as I did and were great as well.

At the end I just barely made the final exams and had to leave and never see all those people again.

Military
Then I went to the military, to the anti air artillery, part of the air forces, as a radar operator for the 35mm cannon. I liked going, but after a few weeks, when the initial phase of a group is over, I on one hand luckily found a few reliable people, but the whole rest of the group started bullying. They were basically waiting for a reason to start, and as soon as I told someone what I thought, it started. Luckily I got selected to go to sub-officers school and was able to escape that nightmare. The selection of people for sub-officers school was terrible, though. But I didn't dare telling that anyone except my friend. Probably a lot of the others knew it anyway.

Most people didn't really like me at all and just tolerated me, but that's a lot better than actively aggressive people. Once when I had to present something it almost escalated, though, they didn't want to let me start talking and verbally threw stuff at me, but I managed to react just perfectly and managed to do my presentation. One day we also recorded everyone when he was doing a presentation and I was really positively impressed by how my voice sounded and my body language looked.

Then, selection for officers school began and I wanted to try getting in. Since too many people wanted to get in, we had to do tests, psychology and intelligence tests, reacting to scenarios etc.. I got in, but unfortunately my friend couldn't, because one of the douches wanted to show his classmates he could get in and then quitted after the 4 weeks basic training. We were all glad he was gone.

Officer's school was a great personality training. We had planning, decision-making, leading and communication training for four weeks, and then went back to our units for 12 more weeks of special training, experiencing your limits, and we were a great group of only 7 future aaa officers. We then got our subofficers and a week later our soon-to-be-soldiers to lead while still getting education ourselves. I had great 12 weeks with my platoon and the other officers. After 12 weeks, just before promotion, I got thrown out, never really heard the reasons, since my boss got thrown out as well. It was a great training though, and I don't regret a single day of it.

Ending 2012 - Mid 2013
After military, it was too late to start studying, so I decided to to an internship in an IT company for administration and tech support. It really helped me to get rid of a part of my social anxiety. To get my job done and find things, I often had to approach people for help or for helping them. Additionally we were a company of about 25 and our IT team consisted of 6 people, and the social climate was great.

Mid-february I started studying, but soon found out that this was a stupid idea to start mid-year. I spent a lot of time at home and again had time to start thinking about myself, after being busy for almost 2 years. I had some difficult months, was at home most of that time, wasting my time on the internet and thinking. I realized that I had to change something. I realized how old I already was, without having achieved any real goal at all. That started with studying, had I done everything right, I'd already be studying for 4 years and would almost be done. Here I were, not even started studying, a 22 year old grown-up man at the border of society, feeling like a 10 year old boy, somewhat desperate and depressed, with some self-pity mixed in.

I knew I had to change something, or I'd fail university, end up as a temporary employee, living a depressed life and probably kill myself a little later. Actually I just thought: I don't care anymore. I could just kill myself now without feeling good or bad about it just because I don't care. Or I could set myself a few goals and try to reach them. Since I can't lose anything anyway, I could just try. And that's what I'm doing now.

My name is Daniel. I'm 22. I want a social life. I want to study. I want to pick up martial arts. I want to be a person other people look at for what he achieved. And I'll do my very best to reach my goals.