Here's what I wrote two days ago.
That was Day 1.

And here's Day 2. [yesterday].
I wake up and make a mental note to stop caring. Girls don't matter, I'm not getting laid anyway so why let it bother me. I haven't masturbated since yesterday [wow, looooong time right]. Pretty much my balls are drained because of palmala handerson.

So, I fill out a few applications online, play metal gear solid, and check my e-mail where I see I have responses on OKCupid to messages I'd sent before I decided to stop giving a fuck about trying to get laid.

In response to:
Interesting. what's our profession?
Something in Astronomy I'm guessing.

No, not really. I just gave up trying on this place. This whole dating business is confusing and I don't really get it, so I've been occupying my time with other things.

I receive this:
My intended degree is in astrobiology. Exobiology to be precise. It's the study of the effects on extraterrestrial environments on living things. I have my associates of science which was paid for out of pocket, but that's only one step on a very large and tiresome-to-think-about staircase.

I know what you mean about dating. I never really dated before because I was mostly always with the same person since the day I decided boys no longer had cooties and maybe girls were okay too. Even the person I'm with now, the beginning wasn't like dating. It was more like I met him and we both decided simultaneously that we didn't really want to be without each other very much and so we weren't. It's strange and scary but also pretty fun.

What have you been occupying your time with? I like to read mostly.

To which I reply:
Outside life... hmm... I had to think of the Exo and bio part for a second there. That sounds interesting.

It's not fun. It's confusing and depressing. Fun, that's not a word I'd use to describe dating, not when no one wants to date me anyway. It feels more like an on going gag where I'm the butt of all the jokes.

Reading about physics, crashed a party yesterday, getting shit face drunk, paying videogames, wondering if I want to keep my chemical engineer major or switch to physics engineering.

Nothing specific really. Just when I meet a cute girl I don't go out of my way to talk to her the same as when I meet a guy [I'm not into guys so I don't really bother going out of my way for them]. I don't ask for phone numbers, etc. etc.. I just do something else. Or on here, I don't send messages anymore. I just respond.

And get no reply. Don't fucking care, back to metal gear solid 4.

A few other messages from the stragglers went pretty much the same and I just reply to be polite.

My Canadian friend is texting me telling me about her Harley Quin outfit. She says she'll send me pics later. oh joy.

My older brother says he wants to leave the house since it's saturday night and he found some event going on. It's free if we get there before 11. And so we start walking after I put on Camo pants [80's army], a green shit, and tie a red ribbon to my arm [I'm one of the red ribbon army from Dragon Ball cause I'm too lazy to make a costume]. He wears a Kool-Aid man shirt, red long sleeve undershirt, white pants, red gloves, and looks like a skinny Kool-Aid man. I didn't wear a hoodie, just my leather jacket. He just had a hoodie on. And it was alright but still cold as we walked.

Place wasn't fucking free and we didn't wanna pay. He's new to Detroit so he asks me where else there is to go. I mention this bar that's sure to have something cause the owner likes to party. We go there and it's a $1 cover and kinda dead. But hey, it's fucking 10:something.

It get's crowded. Lot's of hot chicks in slutty costumes. Typical Halloween party. I make no effort to speak to any of them. I just wanna get drunk. We run out of beer money and I see a "victim". A lonely guy who's shy and seems to need someone to listen. I want beer, he wants a friend. I sit next to him and ask what he's dressed as [cause I know he wants to tell me. It's a magician but there's more to it]. He goes on to explain how he's a marijuana tester and his wand is actually the device used to test the weed, so it's magical. He keeps talking about himself and says he doesn't know how to open up to girls so he's drinking alcohol to loosen up. I mention that I prefer alcohol to weed and we're talking about alcohol now. Then he asks why I don't have a drink and I say I'm out of moneys he says he'll buy a pitcher and I can have some. Success... but my conscience feels a little obligated now.

While we're sitting down drinking I tell him "Me and you are going to play a game."
"Okay, how's it work?"
"I pick out a girl and you go over to her and guess what her costume is. But there are rules. You can't tell her what you are unless she asks."
"Umm.."
"Her, over there. Go!" As I point to someone in a questionable costume.
"Uh I think she's dress as a..."
"Don't tell me, go talk to her and tell her what you think she is."

Off he goes. He talks with her a bit and then wanders back and seems a bit happier.
"See, it's not so hard. Now her, over there. Go!"
He's off again and comes back after chatting a bit with the girl.
"See, just keep doing this. You wont have so much trouble opening up and you'll get used to it." I say. He buys another pitcher and gets me a shot [Satisfying my conscience is nice . It's rare when being nice pays off].

An interactions with two smoking hot chicks outside: They were struggling to light their cigarette. I unzipped my jacket and used it to block off the wind as the first huddled in to light her cig. Then the 2nd did the same. They said thank you. I nodded. Then I went back to standing around smoking a cig doing nothing.

I go back in and swim through the crowd onto the dance floor. I want to be near the speaker. I want to feel the bass. This is all that matters at the moment. I see some girl who was outside trying to get in but couldn't cause they were at max capacity in the place. She smiles at me and says "I got in finally!" as she puts her hand on my shoulder. I touch her hand and say "Yeah, you're still cold." She laughs a bit and said "No shit, haha." I keep moving in towards the speaker. She doesn't matter, just the bass.

I'm there YES!!!
Eventually she's over there too. This speaker is so awesome I tell her to stand in front of it and check it out. "Wow, that's pretty amazing she says."
I'm standing in front of it now just dancing. Doing my thing. I pick up and empty bottle off the floor and put it on the speaker [don't want anyone getting hurt]. Then I go back to dancing. Some chick next to me is dancing and really close to me . o O (fuck it, dancing sounds fun, I should dance with her) I think. I put my hand on her hip and gently pull her over to come dance, she spins away and starts grinding her ass on some dudes cock. . o O (silly girl... X'd off)

The other girl, the cold one, she keeps looking at me and making eye contact. I pull her over and we're dancing. I start massaging her shoulders while we're dancing and she keeps moving her face closer to mind. I move in then pull out. We're doing that thing where you move in like you're gonna kiss but you don't. She keeps inching in and I'm just fucking with her cause it's too much fun. Then I finally kiss the girl and we're making out. She has this goofy smile on her face and starts rubbing her tits all over my chest and keeps coming in for the kiss. I just keep dancing and giving her that massage. I figure . o O (what the hell) and grab her breast while we're making out.

X'd off girl comes and tries to dance with me. Oh, this is priceless. hahaha! I basically brush her off and keep dancing with the chick I'm dancing with now. That made my day. Especially the 2nd time I did it.

I pull out my phone and the girl I'm dancing with puts her number is and asks my name. "Nick. You?"
"Claire. Anyway" She kisses me again and spins around and starts grinding her ass on my dick.

My brother texts. He's somewhere out in the cold and lost. fuck. I Tell Claire I gotta go find my brother. She's actually leaving with her friends. I walk her through the crowd to the door and we kiss and make out some more before I leave.


Off to find ben. He's in an abandoned car by another bar cause he's cold. We've tried to call our dad [yeah... 29 and 30 living with dad and it sucks balls... shit happens]. He wont answer. So I tell him to message our friend Harold on facebook and get his number.

We're walking towards Harolds house when we come across a frat party. Ben wanders in drunk... fuck. I get stopped at the door. fuck fuck fuck!!! They're insinuated they think I'm lying when I say Ben's in there and they they're going to physically remove me from their porch. Eventually they find him drinking with 3 hot chicks dancing and 2 random frat guys having a blast.

He's like "Hey you got me kicked out of the party."
"We have more pressing concerns. Like a place to stay for the night that's warm. You wouldn't've been able to stay here. What did Harold say?"
"Um... let me see. He gave me his number here my phones calling him."

I talk to Harold and he says we can crash at his place. Alysha [girl from canadia] sends me the pics on my e-mail. She won the costume contest and she's still looking pretty hot.

Harold asks if I'm fucking her. "No. She's the type of girl that gets really attached and depressed when she has sex. I don't want to do that to her, so I decided against it."
Ben "This is why you don't get laid."
Me "Maybe, but I'm still not going to do that to her unless I can't control it."
Ben imitating dark pheonix's voice in mvc3 "I can't control it!"
We all laugh, tell stories of our night and crash.

End of day 2.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Day 3.
I wake up in the morning at Harolds house 08:00. Fuck this, I'm going back to sleep.

10:00 I wake up again and hear Harold and Ben talking about something I don't give a shit about. Not exactly small talk, but not a very deep conversation either. If I'm up I'll be semi-obligated to contribute so as not to be rude. I pretend to sleep.

A comment was made, I don't recall, that I randomly reply to. A sarcastic response. Harold laughs and retorts with a sarcastic response of his own. I get up and he offers me coffee. I accept and I smoke one of his cigarettes.

We're listening to mellow semi depressing music on youtube. And a song is playing that expresses how I currently feel about girls. So I play another by the same singer that reminds me of when a girl I loved stopped talking to me and I just about went insane.
first song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkXbzffVl44
2nd song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrj3YPTCbtA

Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more
Don't say goodbye
Don't say I didn't try

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies you told us
The hurt, the blame...
And we will weep to be so alone
We are lost
We can never go home

So in the end
I'll be what I will be
No loyal friend
Was ever there for me

Now we say goodbye
We say you didn't try

These tears you cry
Have come too late
Take back the lies
The hurt, the blame...

And you will weep
When you face the end alone
You are lost
You can never go home
You are lost
You can never go home

This is rather depressing for a song. Someone tried and was lied to and hurt. They're lost emotionally and mentally and confused. And they've had no loyal friends. This is how I usually feel having people stab me in the back... Well, Harold doesn't.

The other song says things like "If you go away on this summers day then you might as well take the sun away." Which pretty much sums up the entire mood of the song. I'd actually reworded that song and almost gave the girl in question my revised version. It started off "If you go away on this winters day then you might as well take the snow away." She knew I liked snow... Aaaaanyhow.

I text Claire at 11:16. "Hey. How're you today?"

Me and Ben leave Harolds house and walk home. It's cold, but not as cold as the night. A lions game was going on and there were fans tailgating. A girl driving a truck, cute girl, waves at me as we're crossing the street and says "Hey, you remember me from wayne state?" I didn't, not at all. "Vaguely." I say. "It's good to see you again." she said with a smile. We keep walking and she drives off.

We arrive home and I go back to sleep.

about 6pm I wake. I check my phone, nothing from Claire.
7:19pm I send: I had fun last night. You're a sweet girl and a great kisser:). Hope to hear from you soon, Claire.-Nick

I start playing metal gear solid while I'm texting my canadian friend Alysha. Occasionally I try to convince her she's hot cause I think it's funny she doesn't think so. We talk and talk and tell jokes and she's speaking french to me here and there and I'm still a little annoyed about wanting to fuck the shit out of her but deciding not to cause she said she'd be upset and attached if we did [but generally insinuated she'd fuck me if I tried].

9:43 pm I recieve: Hello, Nick. It was good to meet you and your talented hands. Did Sunday treat you well?
from Claire.
9:44 I send: My talented hands? Lol. Sunday's been relaxing. What about you?

Back to MGS4. Then I'm watching the walking dead season 2 on netflix. I smoke a cigarette and cook some salmon and bacon and give my brother some. I'm still texting Alysha. I get annoyed that Claire is taking FOREVER to respond.
11:11pm I send: I'd love to chat and hang out sometime.

And I'm thinking to myself . o O (Maybe she's busy? Maybe she's ignoring me. I don't fucking know, this is annoying.). I go on OKCupid and see that I have a message from some chick I'm not into. I just chat with her for a bit and watch an episode of the justice league.

I try to sleep, but I can't sleep. I'm fucking horny and want to jack off. I've got thoughts of my crazy ex girlfriend and the times we fucked running in my head. I rationalize it away by thinking . o O (I never liked her. She was obsessed with me and I just wanted someone to fuck and I felt sorry for her. Why am I thinking of her?) and I start reading a psychology text book I have. Really boring stuff in the beginning. All about biology and I really fucking hate bio. I can't read much more of this shit and want to get to the good parts but I'm not about to skip ahead. I just take a break from it.

And I'm contemplating reading 50 shades of gray, a book about how emotions work, my sociology book, my spider-man comics [again] and just don't feel like reading anything really. So here I am online posting about the 3rd day masturbation free.


I feel some sort of change is bound to happen over time from not just the masturbation free thing but also me keeping a journal to look at. I'll look back on this day in the future when I'm happier and have more success with women and be glad all my efforts paid off.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Day 4.
Woke up and posted about day 3.
Did a whole lot of nothing [filled out job applications and played the piano for a bit].

At some point I went to the store to buy cigs. And this girl was there that I don't like. She gives me an attitude everytime I buy something. She's unattractive to me. She's ghetto. She doesn't know what the fuck customer service is.

Usually she tries to give me the receipt and I don't take it. Initially I asked her to throw it away for me behind the counter [not an odd request considering I've done this many times at work before and everyone else I ask the same question simply throws away my fucking receipt]. She always says in a snappy tone "You know there's a garbage can outside." I ignore this and walk away.

Well, today when I tried to get my change without grabbing the receipt she pulled her hand back. "Are you gonna give me my money?"
"Are you gonna take the receipt!" she snapped back. I took my receipt "What's your name? This is the number for corporate on here right?"
She said nothing. I walked to another register and asked to speak to a manager. I told the manager how this girl refused to tell me her name, didn't have a name tag on, and is rude to me EVERY time I come in here. And I mention that at my job even if a customer cusses me out I'm still polite and a small request like throwing away a receipt ain't a big deal. The manager seemed annoyed that this girl does this and say she'll have a chat with her.

Good. I hope that girl get's fired.


Back at home I got a few messages on OKCupid. No one I'm even remotely into. An ugly chick. A boring one. Bland and boring. All the ones I wanted to talk to didn't respond... whatever.

My canadian friend is texting me. She's really into me, but we can't be together and it sucks.

Claire never texted me back. I sent her a text around ten saying "Hey, you should text me more often. Are you busy all the time or something?" Still no response. I refuse to text her again unless she texts me. This is rather annoying that she's not texting.

More video games. I cooked some pork chops and bacon. Then I posted here.

Not feeling the effects of non-masturbation yet. But it is only day 4. The girls from PoF and OKC I like don't respond to what I send.... which is pissing me off a little. Still not sure what a decent opener is for online dating or if there's something wrong with my profile. Okay, so it is a little bit more frustrating now that I'm not jacking off.

~edit~
It's 06:19, still haven't gone to sleep yet.
Discovered a cache of PUG's on my brothers computer and sent them from my business e-mail to my social e-mail. Then created a new folder in social e-mail and stored all the e-mails I sent in said folder.

Formulated a plan.
Step one: Listen to this amazing remix of woodman's stage from megaman 2.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMdo_ktFroY

Step two: Social isolation. Cut off contact with the outside world and make no attempts to speak to any women I haven't already spoken to. Shorten contact with women I'm not on amazing terms with already [um... that's just the canadian girl].

Step three: Play said song on repeat while reading Vin DiCarlo's pandora box [since I'm already familiar with personality profiles].

And here's how it comes together.
The song: Years ago I accidentally discovered associative memory. As the story goes in 1998 "The legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" was released for Nintendo 64. In 1999 before getting a chance to play the game I had obtained all the music from the game [as well as other game music, less important though] and made a CD [took 5 hours to burn... it was 1999]. 1999-2002 I listened to my CD usually while riding the bus to go to a track and field meet, soccer game, football game, wrestling match, and the other sports I played in high school. I love sports and going to play in a game was probably the best moments in my life.

2002, I play Zelda: OoT for the first time. When the songs played there was an instant feeling of happiness and a flood of memories from games, meets, and matches I went to. 4 years worth of emotions and memories stored into each song [less than 3 mins long usually, but they repeat].

Hmm... . o O (I think I know why this game feels like crack and I wanna play it all the time) I thought. I put two and two together and have since embarked in many projects and experiments using associative memory. I read that the part of the brain that stores memory is also the same that emotions manifest from. The "cat brain.". There's the lizard brain [most are aware of this. It controls basic survival and reproduction]. The cat brain is where emotion and memories come from [which is one of the reasons if someone is under an extreme emotion they recall a story different. The emotion skews the memories]. Then the primate brain, which does problem solving and critical thinking.

So, when learning something new if you listen to a song over and over and over again, or continuously eat the same fucking thing, or have something consistent to smell your memories will be associated to what you're sensing. I forgot how it works with the senses and the memories... just the emotional part... haha. It didn't seem to matter how as much at the time since it worked.


Anyhow, the song helps with the learning process. For ME song works really well since I'm an auditory and visual learner primarily [in that order].

Random fact: When I practice in Soul Calibur I have a song playing on repeat the entire time I'm in practice. I have a different song for each character I play as. After ingraining the move sets of a new character in my head and learning new combos I go against a cpu opponent while listening to this song which helps keep all the combos and moves fresh in my head. After seeing the applications and set ups against an AI I go for a real opponent [which vary greatly in difficulty] and listen to the music while I'm playing online which helps keep all the info there and gives me a constant refresher.

After a while, the music is no longer needed. It was only there to make every happen faster.


Isolation? why? Well it's like going to a tournament for soul calibur and wasting your money when you don't know the move set of your character or match-ups. The learning process for SC is more complete granted, but to strip it down let's say you can look at the move sets and practice them [coming up with openers, studying routines, etc. etc..] till it's fresh in your head. But there's no cpu or casual playing [no risk matches to aid in the learning process]. Instead you go straight to the tournament, if you lose you're fucked. So, you'd better make sure you know your shit before the event begins [reading all the material and ingraining it in your head].

Then you'll probably fail. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to succeed at first. But I'll have a clearer understanding of why and I'll also have a little more experience. But I'm not going out there immediately.

So, I give myself 7 days to learn what I can and then I'll go out and practice.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Half day uptdate
Day 5.
I woke up and did push-ups. Then I smoked a cigarette and put on my music as I red Vin DiCarlo's 95% bullshit pandora's box thing. I don't care about all your fancy hot air and success stories, I just want the meat and potatoes.
Note to self: Don't be an asshole fill something up with hot air when writing guides.

As I'm reading I'm getting annoyed that 5% of it seems to actually matter while 95% of what's being said is pretty worthless and talking about how they're going to talk about what you'll be learning. Just before they talked about that. Why? Why aren't they able to just get to the fucking point? I don't know.

Now I'm taking a break from it. I had been chatting with Alysha earlier, but then kinda drifted off back into reading. And that add "looking for a fuck" is fucking with me cause I'm pretty horny right now [probably cause I haven't jacked off in 5 days]...

Anyway... I'll update this post later.

So, I'm exhausted from studying too much. I'm going to do test runs tomorrow with the internet and see how well I've retained what I picked up. Probably make a profile that says I live somewhere I don't and talk to girls that I'll never meet anyway so as not to waste time on girls I actually have a chance with during the learning process.

I'm going to bed. Vin is still a douche for putting so much bullshit and hot air into everything.
Alysha is still texting me. Claire hasn't gotten back to me yet... whatever she's probably playing the field and getting fucked in the ass right now. The not jacking off is starting to get to me a little

~edit~
As my night drew to a close I was texting Alysha. I kinda broke down and spilled my guts a little because she thought she was making me sad. I told her it's not her it's that I have poor luck with girls in general.

Somewhere in there we're talking about sex and she mentions she's scared to meet me cause she thinks she wont be able to control her desires. I feel flattered . Then I think she's crying. I'm really horny at this point but the part of me that cares about her overrides this. I stop and think.

in the beginning of the pandora's box shit Vin mentions girls wanna empathize and guys want to solve shit. Only he takes way longer than needed to explain this [bastard... fucking marketing schemes...]. I used to be very empathetic until desensitizing myself so as not to get hurt.

I'm empathize then come up with a solution and never actually say a plan as much as just enact it.


So, this girl I care about is sad. She's crying but doesn't want me to know and I lied to her. I make up a story about how my dad went to a party and ate three brownies then someone told them they were weed brownies and he's texting me "I love adult swim is fucking awesomest." and that he doesn't normally care for adult swim.

She laughs. Then I tell her a joke and another funny story and she's joking with me. I keep making her laugh and then I say I gotta go to bed. And here I am writing about it.

Basically the point was, she was sad. So I made her laugh. Somewhere in there she said she doesn't think anyone doesn't like the music from cowboy bebop. I say I have to think about it. Then I say Hater McHaterson hates the music from that show. She's laughing again.

Why? Cause I like her and don't want her to cry. I don't think it's going to get me laid and I just didn't care about that at the moment. I just didn't want her to be upset anymore.


Earlier me and my brother were talking about PUG's and PUA's and how they're full of shit all the time. I said that when I buy a guide for soul calibur, soccer, chess, or anything it's got an introduction that talks about the game and what the guide offers that's at most 3 pages long in a 300+ page guide. the other 297+ pages are to the point telling you combos, tech traps, how to space, match-ups, etc.. Straight to the point telling you what you wanted to know.

A PUG usually can be condensed from 300+ pages into 3 pages of actual material. It sickens me that they want you to spend money for this bullshit just so you're left with little and need to spend money on other bullshit. While they're raking in the dough and laughing the sick little asses off.

He's read many PUG's and said the same thing about them. He doesn't really have trouble with girls. Me and him both skim through them [which is irritating] looking for the actual content.

When I'm done with all of this and have a better understanding of how things work and have more success I'm writing a guide of my own. Which I'll distribute for free. It will be minimalistic in nature and offer the essentials without all the hot air. No talking about how it's going to help you out for 40 pages before actually showing you what you need. No advertisements for pay dating sites. No bullshit.

I hate bullshit.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Day 6.
Woke up thinking of nothing really. Pretty blank in my head.

Went online for a bit and kinda killed time while trying to find a halloween party. Reposted my craigslist add that rarely gets actual replies.



Looking for no strings casual hook-ups, one nighters or someone for regular plays. Someone who loves belle isle or outdoor playing will be at the top of my list. If a cam's your thing, I don't mind, bring it with out.

I'm slim, minimal body hair, light-smoker, occasional drinker and D&D free. You don't have to be a supermodel but there has to be some physical attraction there.

I know you girls are as horny as us, stop trying to hide it, geez.

Genuine people only thanks.

We're both here to play, so we'll have a bit of a chat and a flirt, I'll show you what I got and we can go from there.

In case you're wondering what D&D free means.

"Dungeons and Dragons Free". Sometimes people on dating sites will write that they are looking for someone who is "D&D free." This is their way of indicating that geeks and nerds need not respond. Some people just aren't looking for such nonsense in a lover.
No, I don't want to roll a d20 saving throw to ensure that your Prophylactic of Exploding Love +3 doesn't break. I thought I indicated that I'm looking for someone that's D&D free.
[Note: this is a joke, I don't care if you play D&D and I'm a bit of a nerd myself]

I'm also drug and disease free [unless you count pot].


Prove that you're a real person. Tell me your favorite poke'mon, videogame, or whatever in your subject line.


Read some more of Vin Di Bullshitters pandora shit. I'm at the part with significantly less bs though, so that's nice. I tested it out on some girl from OKCupid and it seemed to work. She said I knew her really well.

Then I thought about MBTI and how I got to a point once where I could just look at a picture of a person and know is they were INTJ, INFP, INTP, ENFP, ENTP, or ESTP. But the other 10 types I wasn't able to simply figure out just by looking at a picture [then again those 6 types are the ones I liked the most and got along with, so of course I'd've found a way to spot them].

SJ's I could spot a mile away too... well not from looking at them as much as just a short conversation. Usually if I'm annoyed I'm talking to an SJ type [ESFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ, ISFJ].

I figure MTBI and the pandora shit correlate somehow. INTJ's for example [my type] are more goal oriented than most types. Every INTJ woman I know is goal oriented and out to make her own money, well most of them are there are a few that aren't. So INTJ's are more likely to be Realists and less likely to be Idealist. Then again I'd assume NT's would all be more inclined to be R's. While SJ's tend to be more traditional and most I know are Idealists.

Anyway...
I leave the house and stop at planned parenthood and get some condoms.

Then I go to WSU and run into Ali. I fucking hate her.
I guess cause she pretended to be interested in me, maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. Then she said she wasn't looking for a relationship and started dating someone afterwards. I hate when people lie and do shady shit like that. I still have no idea why she wasn't into me which is frustrating, but not why I hate her. I hate her cause she lied then acted like I'm the asshole for being sad. I'm not aloud to feel sad cause a girl I like doesn't like me? fuck her.

She waved at me. I pretended she wasn't there. She had caution tape around her waist and I wanted to say "is the caution tape because of the herpes?" but I said nothing to her, she doesn't deserve to be acknowledged. I hate her.


I killed time while trying to find a halloween party. Some christian group lured me in with promise of free pizza. and there it was. They asked for my e-mail for a sign up thing so they can send me information about Jesus and other of their imaginary friends. Anubis_Necromancess_3@yahoo.com I give them as I laugh in my head.

Then I'm playing scrabble with some people in the group who really suck ass at scrabble. It's a Christian group so I got a little joy out of adding is at the end of pen, or an n at the end of dam, etc.. Cause they're all like "OH MY!!" and I don't say anything about it.

One of the girls was talking shit before the game started. I hate shit talking. It's why I can never fully respect Micheal Jordan, cause he talked trash. I tell her "If you're so good than show me. You don't need to talk if you're as good as you say."

I guess this is how I do things. I never talk trash. I just play and let my skills do the talking for me. In soccer when I was the best player on the team I was the most quiet in practice and on the field I only yelled out commands like "shot", "man on", or "time". Well, in smash brothers there's a group I played with that jokingly talk trash and over exaggerate it, so it's pretty funny. They're also witty and sarcastic, so it's not so bad. I still don't really trash talk there, I just don't like it.


So, I eventually leave around 11ish. I found nothing going on.
Bronx... dead, I don't bother with it. Too many dudes, too little girls.
Old miami... same.
Temple bar it is for the dollar drafts. Spend my last two bucks and I'm off.

fuck it I stopped into the comet bar cause the bartenders cool, figured I'd say happy Halloween or something. Some woman with her boyfriend buys me a beer then suggest I talk to the two girls dressed like slutty raggedy annes. Okay...

They're talking to me. I didn't really initiate it. And We're joking for a bit. I don't recall exactly what was said. Then after about an hour of bsing and having fun I ask one for her number. "I don't give my number out." I take a drink and say "I don't believe that."
"Well I only give it out to guys who're special and I don't know if you're special yet." She says. I hate her already. I take a drink. And say nothing. She leans in like she's trying to kiss me, I lean back and take a drink "I lost interest when you lied." I say.
"Don't take it personal." she says. I take a drink and walk away

the other comes up to the bar and say "She's really a nice girl, don't take it too personally." I take a drink "Look, you're gonna make me drink all my beer too soon."
"How?" she says "I play a drinking game. Whenever bullshit happens you take a drink. Please, just stop, I don't like bullshit and don't care anymore." She walks away and I'm in peace. Fuck them.


I walk home and on my way home I walk part a bar and I'm a little pissed off about not striking out and having poor results with girls so I ask this guy for a cigarette. He gives me one and this girl asks if she can touch my hair. Sure I say. Then we chat for a bit and I eventually ask for her number... she give it to me. We're texting as I walk home. I'm kinda annoyed and just don't give a shit what I say at this point.

me: hey cutie;)
her: Hello wonder haired man
me: your boyfriend must love when you say things like that
her: you mean my husband
me: Oh... I see. Guess I should stop hitting on you
her: Eh, it's ok...I don't think he cares...why would you hit on me? I'm not that great
me: You're taken so little will come from it
her: So says you...I disagree
me: Why do you say that? Open marriage?
her: sort of
me: how so?
her: I believe in open marriage...him not so much...I win...I'm allowed if I REALLY like the guy...
me: Ah I see. To be blunt, I would love to throw a party in your pants (rave party or toga party?).
her: hmmm...rave party...how old are you?
me: 29, you? And how do you spell your name?
her: Brandy. Also 29...you look younger
me: Lol, I get that a lot. So for a rave party do I need glow in the dark condoms?
me: It's been nice chatting, Brandy. I'm going to bed. I look forward to seeing more of you;) you have pretty eyes:). Night
her: Sorry..driving...
her: Glow in the dark condoms...hmmm..and I don't think you even remember what color eyes I have...
me: I actually don't. Which is odd for me since I normally pay attention. Grey is what my intuition is telling me though.
her: Greenish/hazel
her: Close

blah blah blah... this goes on and get's pretty sexual. But I still think women are horrible bitches and evil selfishly cruel creatures.

I get home and my brother asks "how're you?"
"Shit sucks, different day." I say with a bit of depression behind it.
"You know, whenever dad comes back from therapy he's depressed and whenever you come back from the bar you're depressed. Maybe you two should stop going to those places."
"My other alternative is to stay home and not try and live in a state of hopeless depression and be eternally lonely. Only to distract myself once in awhile from it all. Out there I can at least try to meet someone. And besides with the internet I get depressed here too meeting people."

He said nothing. I went upstairs and continued texting Brandy.

I'm horny as hell, and am starting to hate women. I don't want to hate them. Every woman I meet reinforces the idea that bitches ain't nothing but hoes and tricks. And I start losing respect for them and don't really think the idea of having a relationship with one of these horrible creatures is a good idea at all since they're so selfish and disloyal.

they don't give a fuck if a guy doesn't get it or is having a hard time. They wont give a shit about who you are. Only what you can do for them. They never care about getting to know you. They just want someone who does all the right things all the time. I hate them.

When I first heard of pick-up I didn't want to learn it cause I thought I'd become a horrible person and mistreat women and be corrupted by that power. So I didn't. Now, I don't care. I wish there was a girl out there who could prove me wrong and show me that not all girls are evil horrible creatures.

Closest girl to that I know is Alysha, I still care about her. I really like her, but I can't be with her and I don't think it'll work out... Fucking boarder...

Event still I have my doubts [very little though] about her since I haven't known her that long. But she seems to genuinely care about people and has a kind heart.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Day 7.
I don't remember exactly what happened that day.
Somewhere I got really depressed cause I was shut down in a text.

I know I was talking with Alsha via text and it was the same as always.
Then I broke. I watched porn and jacked off. I didn't feel so down in the dumps anymore. I wondered why I ever decided to stop in the first place really. I guess I'd just wanted to see if it made any significant change.

The real change was I was more frustrated and angry than normal. And more upset when I was shut down than normal. I was losing myself.

Day 8/day 2.1
Youmacon started. While I was at the con I spent a lot of time in the game room playing videogames. I didn't really bother talking to girls... I didn't want to feel shitty anymore. I hadn't read the pick-up material since day 6. I didn't bother reposting my add on craigslist and didn't bother with plenty of fish or okcupid. I just wasn't trying.

I was pretty upset that life hasn't dealt me a great hand. That despite how kind a person is or how much they look out for others it never seems to matter and doesn't pay off. That I know this and am nice anyway. Karma isn't real.

While I was in the gameroom I spotted a controlled that wasn't tethered up. I have a new PS3 controller. Reverse Karma. Shit sucks, so I did something bad. I've already paid for all the wrong things I've done and then more. Fuck it.

Brandy texted me she was at the bar.
I didn't want to think about girls... I needed a break to regain my emotional composure a bit. I was starting to break and thought this was a bad idea going to see brandy. She said she was with a cute friend and pressed me to show up.

I didn't initially. I sat by some girl waiting for her boyfriend to show up and we chatted. She was from Canada and he was from Michigan, about 20mins away from Detroit where she was waiting to meet him. While we were talking she asked if there was anyone I liked or was dating. I mentioned Alysha and explained how she doesn't think it would work out cause she's from Canada. This girl tells me I'm and idiot and that I should tell her to try it out. I don't tell Alysha that.

I go to the bar.
Brandy introduces me to Abby. She's fucking hot as shit. I think . o O (she's approached by guys constantly... not in any kinda mood to try talking to this one). And I just chat with them. Some other hot chick is sitting next to me and being flirty. I think . o O (why is she flirting with me? She's just having fun. She can have any guy around here... fuck this shit). I ask for flirty girls number and she says "I have a boyfriend." I take a drink and say "I play this really fun drinking game."
"What is it?" She says. "I drink whenever there's bullshit."
"Okay, I don't actually have a boyfriend." She says.
"I kinda figured you didn't. You aren't a good liar."
She laughs a little and goes back to being flirty with me, but doesn't give me her number. I don't ask for it again. I do however say "So, you're approached by guys all the time. Cause you're pretty hot. So, what do you look for in a guy?"
She thinks I'm still trying to get with her and I correct her and say "Look, I don't really care. I'm just a very clueless frustrated guy who has trouble with girls and I figured getting a little insight from you wouldn't hurt."
She gives me cliche bullshit advice. I take a drink. She laughs and tells me stuff I already know that gets you only so far [like explaining what trying too hard is, not pressing relationships on a girl, talking about fun shit, blahblahblah]. I say thank you and we start bullshitting about some other nonsense.

My morale decreases.
Brandy's texting me asking why I'm not hitting on Abby, her hot friend. I tell her. I just don't really care anymore, so I mention Abby's really hot and she's hit on all the time by guys. My morale is really low and I've reached my quota of rejections this week and don't wanna break down into depression so it's best I don't bother with it. Brandy presses me to try and ask for her number... grrrrrrr. I do. She gives me a number. I text her. She never responds. Good. I'm done.

The only thing in my head at this moment is . o O (RAGE!!!!!!!). In a horrible fit of frustration I tell Alysha she should try coming to see me and see where things go. Who knows we might get married or be really good friends that look out for each other. She says "Okay, I'll try it." I respond with :):):):):):):):):):):).

I leave the bar and go back to the con and my phone is dying. I'm talking to girls playing a game I made up. You can figure someone's age within about 2 years with this game. Everyone seems to love playing it. I'm making new friends... I don't bother asking for numbers. You ask a person to tell you a cartoon show they watched when they were a kid that had new episodes [cause loony toons and scooby do aren't useful] and a video game that came out while they were little. Then you guess their age. Afterwards they usually talk about the games and shows and other shows and bs for a bit. Decent opener I guess...

I see a group that's got a few hot chicks in it. And some ugly ones. I'm playing this game with them. Then I don't think anyone's into me, so I just kinda leave. Someone wanted my facebook [the guy]. And I randomly ask a girl for her number in the group. Then I'm off. I text her "Hey cutie."

I go out to smoke and meet another girl who looks slutty. I get her number and we chat about anime and video games and smoking weed and parties. I leave... I just can't do this right now.

I meet some socially awkward girl that's a butherface. Some guy's trying to hit on her and she's oblivious to it. I ask for her number and the guy says "Just give me yours, her phones about to die and then I'll give her your number." I think . o O (jackass thinks I was born yesterday. Now I wanna fuck this girl in the ass just cause he said that shit. He's afraid of me and is acting like a damn coward and being a bitch). I ask her to put her number in my phone, and she does. I'm tired and decide to go home to sleep and my phone is about to die. I get up to walk away and she's following me. I tell her I'm going home and give her a hug and lean in like I might kiss her but don't.

I pull back a little and she leans towards me, then I kiss her in front of Mr.Jackass. I think . o O (I'm not even into this girl... I'll just text her some vulgar sexual shit later and if she's into it, cool. I get laid. If not, cool cause I'm not into her anyway). I walk away.

On my way home some guy at the carwash I'd been asking to work at asks if I wanna start right then. I say "Not really, I've been up for 30 hours." Then I pause a moment and say "Actually I have energy drinks at home, I'll get one and come back." He says that's cool. I get around the corner [my house is a block away from this place, I can see the place from my balcony] and he's driving his car and slows down and tells me "Man, get some rest. Come back monday at 8'o'clock"
"Okay, will do." I say.

I pass the fuck out at home.


Day 9/2.2
I wake up and see awkward girl texted me. I ask if she's a virgin. She asks why. I say cause I think she's cute and I might be interested in sex depending on what she answers. She says her phones about to die. I say "It's fine if you feel uncomfortable with that. I understand." And she says sorry she lied and that she's not that kind of girl. I say it's cool and stop texting her.

Slutty girl never texts back.
I text Claire "Okay, I get it. You aren't into me, I'm curious why though. So next time I meet a girl I don't ruin things." no response, big surprise there.

I'm not broken yet... I'm breaking down.
Alysha's texting me. We're being flirty. We're talking about sex and cuddling. And cuddling after sex. And then anime, and videogames, etc..
I go back to sleep.

I wake up and I'm watching T.V. talking to Alysha some more. Abby never texted me back... that's a shocker.

Somewhere I say I wish Alysha was here to cuddle with me and she says she'd been dropping hints that I should ask her to come see me. Fuck. We make plans to hang out tomorrow. It's late and I go to sleep.


Day 10/2.3
I wake up and text Alysha and then hop in the shower. I make my way to the tunnel that leads to Canada. I kill time at youmacon while I wait for her. She finally shows up. We hug each other and start talking like we always do. We're walking around the con and decide to go back to my house.

At my house I play the piano for her for a bit. Then we're upstairs and she's looking at Canada and saying it looks boring from Detroit [true story]. We go back in and I hug her and kiss her and we're making out a little. Then I'm sitting in a chair and she's on my lap. We kiss a little and she says she's awkward. I tell her she's fine and kiss her on the cheek. She blushes.

We're on the bed cuddling and I get a boner and she blushes and scoots forward a bit. I'm tickling her and she's going crazy and we start kissing again. Then she says she doesn't want to kiss me anymore...
Morale decreases.

She says we should just be friends.
Morale decreases.

She's being so nice about it though. And we're still cuddling and watching anime on netflix. Then she starts feeling bad she said let's just be friends. I try to cheer her up but it's hard to do when I'm feeling so bad myself.

We walk back to the tunnel and chat some more. Then we're waiting on her bus and telling stories and being silly. When it comes we hug each other and kiss and she gets on the bus. I'm walking off and some guys talking to me.
"You and your girlfriend seem pretty close." he says
"She's not my girlfriend." I say emotionalessly
"She isn't?!" He says shocked
"Unfortunately not." I say pretty blankly
"Well, good luck with the girl, man." He says before we part ways.

I'm in the bar and she's texting me. She's so fucking nice and everything I want in a girl. Fuck. I tell her that. For a few hours I'm bitching and upset.
I'm broken. I can't think straight. All that's floating in my head is . o O (RAGE!!!).

I'm so fucking frustrated. The combination of getting shut down over and over again with getting shut down by someone I really fucking liked. It's doing a number on me and I'm still texting her and can't get it off my fucking mind. I'm pissed and frustrated and... grrr it sucks.

I walk home. Then I text her somewhere in there "pssssssst."
"What?"
"Tell me I'm being a bitch and to stop my whining and then cheer me up. You're my friend and that's what friends do."
She basically tells me to stop bitching and then starts telling me jokes and we're back to talking about anime and video games and stuff. Somewhere I lose composure and ask her what she likes in a guy and she says "Hey, you stop that!" and I do and we're talking about other things.


So, I have a really hot friend I think is the perfect girl. I wouldn't tell her this but I fell in love with her in the little time I've known her... fucking emotions. She's a great friend, just not into me how I want her to be.

I lied and said I was going to sleep... I just couldn't take talking to her and needed a break really.

I started playing Soul Calibur V online. I was wrecking everyone's shit and playing insanely well. It's cause all that was in my head was . o O (RAGE!!!!!!!).
I watched some porn and jacked off and didn't feel so enraged anymore. I regained a bit of sanity.


I decided to give girls a rest for now. I can't do this right now... not after a blow like that. Alysha's pretty damn awesome and she's not into me. That got to me pretty bad. I need to sell my stolen controller... maybe I'll keep it, I don't know.

I'm not even going to ready any pick-up material for a while... I need a break from the madness.

Word of the day: RAGE!!!!

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Showed up to work late.
On the first day of the job.
I was told it wasn't cool and for me to go home...
Fucking alarm didn't wake me up. When asked why I was so late I said "I didn't wake up in time, which is my fault." I was sent home. The bossman said "I tried to help you out, but I can't have you showing up late." I said "I'll see you tomorrow at 8."
He said "I hope to see you here at 8."

I'm fucking tired and want to go to sleep. If I stay awake I'm more likely to be tired around 10ish and wake up at 7 so I can show up at 8. I'll have to work out if I'm not tired by then to ensure I get up in time.


Just texted Alysha... nothing that matters really. Just "Hey!" and she says "what?" and I say "Listen!" then "Look out!" and she says "Shut up Navi, lol."

I'm reading some pick-up stuff about being an Alpha male... eh, I hate that term really. When it comes to being told what to do I seriously hate it. I've always been a nice guy who doesn't put up with bullshit. If I don't wanna do something I don't fucking do it.

And I've spent a grand total of $35 on drinks for women between the ages of 19-29. Generally it's something along the lines of I made a bet with the girl and lost that bet. I usually win those bet's and when she bails on buying me a drink I rag on her and say "A person is only as good as their word, what good are you?" and then kinda stop talking and find someone else to talk to. Most times the girl will try to make up some shitty excuse why she doesn't have to buy me a drink which is when the talking ceases cause I lose interest in someone who wont hold onto their word.

On the other hand when she does follow through and buy me a drink I accept it and continue talking with her. I haven't really played that game in a while though. Kinda lost it's fun when I ran out of interesting bets to make.

Point is, I'm not someone who's milked easily or much of a follower.
But I'm also not much of a leader unless I absolutely have to be. When shit goes wrong and get's fucked up I take charge to make it right. I usually have preventative measures before anything goes wrong.

If people seem confused or lost I step up and take control. If they're fine I have no need to. Usually something like friends are making plans for something I really could care less about and I'm just going with the flow. When they take too long to get to their plan or they're confused and making shitty plans I step in and tell them my plan and they do what I say 90% of the time. When shit is negatively effecting me I say "Fuck that." and give them their options A. Do this which is compromise but generally gives us both close to what we want [unless there's the option for both of us getting what we want] B. I do what I want and don't consider your wants and needs. Most people pick A.

I'm mostly just Neutral but slide towards Dominant when conflict comes into play.

Back to reading

edit
After further reading I realize yes I am a dominant "alpha male" in a lot of aspects of my life. I'm also not in a lot of other aspects. When I talk to women my speech pattern doesn't really display that I don't care or that I'm being nice not cause I want someone in return. My actions don't display this either.

I've noticed it's a communication error I have. I'm doing "nice guy" things sometimes with the same intention an "alpha male" has. I'm just doing it cause I'm a nice person, but I execute it wrong and come off as someone who got a girl or friend a great gift because I'm seeking approval, when I only got it cause I thought they'd like it and I never expected anything in return.

I guess I need to read further. Learn how to express that I don't give two shits about making someone like me simply because I say I love that a girls into anime or that I bought her something I thought she'd like.

And I tested what I read. It said that "Alpha males" will give a compliment and never give a girl the opportunity to respond because he doesn't care about her approval. I would give an honest sincere compliment without an attachment statement. I'd say "You have a nice smile." and leave it there. The thing I read said to say something more like "You have a nice smile. What are you up to today?" or some nonsense like that because the added statement implies that you don't care if she responds to the compliment, you only said it cause you genuinely meant it and it's not something to dwell on. Which I guess makes sense.

Communication error...
I've been misunderstood chronically in my life and I'm starting to feel this is why I have bad results with women.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Well yesterday I left to sell my stolen controller. $20 isn't bad.
As I'm walking home my leg cramps and I walk at a slow pace. My upper legs hurt like hell [from jacking it till I'm empty pretty much] and sex is the last thing on my mind. I stop at the liquor store and buy a pack of smokes and these beers that were 3 for $3. Some random gay guy was standing next to me when I thought about buying the beers I ask "Have you tried these? Are they any good?" He said he hadn't tried them and asks me if I wanted to come over his place and watch a movie. I say, sure, why not.

We go to his place and he tells me I'm cute, I say thank you and hand him a beer, he declines. He comes over and touches my face and says I'm a cutie... I back away and say "Thanks." Then he looks bummed out and I say "I thought you just wanted to hang out. Still want to watch that movie?" He's really bummed out and never actually puts the movie on. I step outside to smoke a cigarette and there's some girl there flirting with me but I'm just not really interested. I talk to her and find she's pretty fucking stupid... and boring too.

She's trying to get me to buy her alcohol. I'm walking home instead.


I get to my house and I'm texting Alysha a little more doing the compliments followed by some sort of statement or question afterwards. She never acknowledges the compliments and only talks about what I say after them. Which is different than how what happened before. Good.

She's watching a movie with her brother and I'm left to my thoughts. I want her... well I want a girl like her. So I wander onto OKCupid and update my profile so it says at the beginning

"Hi!
I'm reeeeeeeeeally picky about girls. You might just be the girl for me, or maybe we'll just be friends.

I want a girl who's genuinely nice and has a kind heart [if you chronically say "sorry" when you shouldn't be saying sorry and I'm telling you to stop it doesn't mean I don't like you. I actually find it attractive that you're nice enough to say this even when you don't have to.]. A girl who cares about others.

I want a girl who's kinda nerdy and can talk to me about video games, anime, and other dorky things.

I want a girl who takes care of her figure, eat's right, works out and looks good. You don't have to be a model or anything. I just have to have some physical attraction going on.

I want someone who's smart and has interesting things to say.

I can make a few exceptions [except for the kindness part. If you're cruel and selfish don't message me].

A little about me: I like to read, work out [I love if someone wants to work out with me, that's a plus], play video games. I love playing my piano. I try to be open minded and nonjudgmental. "

Which is almost a description of her, only generalized.
Then I fish around looking for someone that could make me feel the way I feel for her and I'm finding it's very difficult to find. And here I'm thinking back to a girl named Colleen.

I met Colleen at a coffee shop. I ran into her because I was playing chess and ran out of people to play. Dan the guy I'd been playing was busy and everyone else in the shop I knew and had already asked to play and they didn't want to and/or were busy. So I see these three girls I don't know and ask "Do any of you know how to play chess?" One says "I'm not very good." I say "I don't care I just want to play, it'll be fun." She wasn't lying when she said she's not any good.

I'm whooping her ass. I'm making jokes saying things like "Hey, this pawn right here said you're queens a bitch. She's not gonna take that is she?" She says "But the one behind him will have his back, aren't they like cool with each other?" I say "Oh, him, haha. Well he got screwed over with a shady weed deal. He don't give a fuck about that pawn." She kills the pawn that was talking shit, then I kill her queen with the pawn that's got screwed by a shady weed deal from the recently deceased pawn.

"I thought you said he didn't like him very much cause of the shady weed deal." she says. "Well, no he doesn't like him very much but he's still a vigilant pawn who fights for the kingdom and takes his job seriously." She laughs. I keep saying things like this and I win. Then I let her win. "Check mate!" she says proudly "No, not really. See the whole board is set with nerve gas and the kings the only one with a gas mask." I say and then slowly move my hand around knocking over every piece but my king. She laughs a little bit and I decide to try something new that day.

I get up and walk outside to go smoke a cigarette and don't say anything. She follows me and smokes one her self and keeps talking to me. She'd left her ID at the house and needed someone to buy her a pack, so I buy her one with her money and she gives me two for buying her the pack. I accept them.

We go back in and I test something else. I walk to a table away from her friends and set a book on it then get myself a cup of coffee and sit there. She follows me and sits at my table. I go to the bathroom and come back and someone's sitting there and she tells them it's my seat and gets my seat back for me. hmm... I think. I sit down and teach her a card game where you slap the card pretty fast because it means we'll be touching each others hands.

She asks if I smoke. I know what she's talking about, the answer is yes, but I say "You saw me smoking outside, silly." And she says "That's not what I mean." and I say "I'm just fucking with you, yes on some occasions I do." We go and smoke some of her weed and I put my coat on her cause it's cold out and I have three fucking coats [for long walks... I only need 1 to be fine for a while, but 3 to be fine forever]. When we're done we're walking inside and she puts my coat back on me and laughs and says "Wow, that was a very husbanly thing of me to do." so I say "So, your saying you wear the pants in this relationship?" She laughs and tells me to make her a sandwich.

The shop closes and she's waiting for her ride home. I remember earlier she'd mentioned that she lives near me. I don't want to walk home. I walk away and turn my head back and say "Do you know where the bus comes that takes you to west park?" She says she thinks it's down the street a little. I say thank you and keep walking. She says "Hey, wanna keep me company while I wait for my ride home. Actually we live in west park I think we could give you a ride." SUCCESS!!!! FUCKING YES!!!! I say "Sure" I sit down and we do the cube in the dessert thing.


She asks for my number but I don't have a phone so I give her my myspace and tell her I don't have a phone. She gives me her number and says to call her sometime.

So later she comes over to watch a movie with me and we end up making out but don't have sex. Maybe the third time she'd come over we had sex. I had fallen really hard for this girl, but after we had sex she stopped talking to me and I just about went fucking insane... my friends all helped me through it all. I started taking lithium that one friend was prescribed to but didn't take. I was convince I'd never meet a girl like her again. And I never met a girl like her again.

However I met other girls, different than her, that made me feel the way I felt for her. The main lesson I'd learned was to keep looking, but don't look for another version of her just another girl that I'll like as much as I like her.

Colleen and Alysha do have quite a few things in common though. I can't seem to verbalize exactly what it is cause they're very different too. I guess mostly their mannerisms and sense of humor.


So after I was thinking of Colleen because of Alysha I started thinking of every girl I liked the way I liked them. And I was thinking about all the girls I've had sex with and how many I actually liked vs how many I just wanted to get laid. Also I started wondering about girls I dated and how I've only had ONE relationship with someone I liked. I figure I should write it all down to help think about it and figure out what went wrong and what went right. Today I'll start with girls I've been in relationships since it's the shortest list and I already wrote out so much.


Liz Stewart D1 S3 LN [Dated no. 1, Sex number 3, Like... no, no I didn't].
It was 2002 when I made my Xanga account. On my account I mostly wrote about how much I loved Ashley White and how I wished I could be with her. At some point I decided that the internet wasn't very useful for meeting people in your area. Xanga had these blog rings where there's some sort of theme like sex addicts or video games and you join the ring. While you're looking at it you can see the names of everyone else who's in the ring. There was a Cleveland Blogring but there wasn't anything for Elyria, OH. So I made one for Elyria in order to meet people who lived close to me.

I had made a few friends from different rings who'd read my blogs and leave comments. I'd read theirs and do the same. I mostly remember Ashley B. [second girl I'd had sex with], Deidra [a girl from around the detroit area], and Liz Stewart.

Liz always talked about how she'd get screwed over by guys on her blogs. Mine always talked about my day and mostly how much I loved Ashley White. I'd leave her comments that said things like "If a guys doing this, this, and that he's a douche and don't talk to him. But if he's doing that this and that then he's not so bad and worth dating." Liz had found my Elyria blog ring, this is how we met on xanga. She was 14 or 15 and I was 20 or 21, I don't remember. I wasn't interested in some underage chick at all, but didn't see any problem talking to her.

So, I'm off to go fuck Ashley B on some trip I'll talk about later [lot's of lies to my family were involved]. I'm on her college compus in the computer lab playing an emulated version of Zelda the minish cap [which hadn't been released yet (Roms are dumped online usuall 3 days before the game hits the stores. with gba you could beat a game before you were able to physically get a hold of it)] and I'm on aim. Liz is talking to me and asking me to have sex with her and telling me I'm the most amazing guy ever. No I tell her. I tell her she's too young. I tell her I'm not going to have sex with her and that I had actually just gotten laid. She keeps pleading with me and I keep saying no and telling her to find a guy her age.

I get back home after some complications [which I'll mention later].
I'm at home talking with Ashley White and pretty happy and ecstatic that she wants to take me ice skating [which will also be mentioned later].

Then randomly I get a phone call from someone I don't know. "Hi, who's this?" I say. "It's Liz!!!" I hear from an unfamiliar voice. "You aren't my cousin, who are you?"
"Liz from xanga, silly."
"How'd you get my number?"
"You gave it to me."
"No I didn't. I did no such thing, and this is kinda creepy. I'm gonna go, bye."
I hang up. Now I'm wondering how in the hell did she get my number? I look on my xanga and remember when I first made the account I didn't know anyone on it accept Hahn from highschool and I gave her my number in one of my blog comments. About two years ago, little less than that. So you'd have to sift through 2 years worth of blogs that're all about as long as my posts her and about as frequent. She was determined to find something.

When she calls I don't answer at this point. It's weird and creepy and I'm talking to Ashley white and that's going well for me. I also have a great Job at TGIFridays and I'm living with my older brother and sister and we're paying off this condo our dad bought. We give him money and he puts it down on the condo and eventually we'll own it. We were told 3 years was our deadline, one year passed and we'd paid half of it so we were ahead of schedule. I'm supposed to go ice skating with Ashley in 5 days and then my dad is dating some horrible bitch.

This bitch tells him to kick us out and take our money since we never had it written down on paper. I'm at work when he shows up at the house and physically threatens my brother and sister. One of them calls my work crying. My boss tells me to go home [he's a pretty cool guy] and look after my siblings. I walk in the door and glare at my dad while standing with my arms crossed. A very menacing glare. He had his fist near my older brother face while my older brother was cowering in fear.

To rewind a bit: 14.5 years old I got my ass kicked by my dad. I was pissed and felt violated. I had a friend, Charles, who did shotokan karate and was a black belt at the time. I spent 6 months in the gym and had Charles train me as well as whomever else was near the bag [boxers, ex military, current military, cops, tai kwon do, wrestlers (college wreslting), fencers, etc..]. I worked hard to learn how to fight and trained my mind and body. My dad didn't know about it. when I was 15 I picked a fight with my dad and beat him senseless.

I went back to training everyday all day. This time trying to learn to fight different. Instead of throwing roundhouse kicks as a bread and butter attack I wanted to do front kicks and roundhouse feints. Something to catch him off guard. I also observed his mannerisms in the house to see how he walked and carried himself to know if he was making changes. It seemed like he was. My guess was boxing.

When I was 17 he picked a fight with me. I whooped his ass again. He was expecting me to do the same things I did last time and I kept mixing it up.


Back to me being 21 glaring him down.
I walk in the door and give him a look. I'm pissed off, he's kicking us out and he's taking our money. He stops what he's doing and walks over to me by the door and cautiously walks out of the door. My siblings are happy he's gone and they're relaxing and my sister says "Thanks. Now that he's gone we can relax."
"He's coming back in when the police arrive." I say.
They looks worried
"Don't worry, I'll handle it." I said.

The police show up and say that we have to go. I slowly reach for something underneath the couch while holding my other hand up and letting the officer see what I'm doing. I pull out an unopened letter, my phone bill. I hand it to the cop and say "I'm not going anywhere, I live here. Also since I live here and this is MY house I can have whoever I want over my place as my guest despite anything my roommate says" as I point to my dad [the roommate]. The police agree with everything I said since having a bill come to a house in your name is legal proof you live somewhere. You can't get kicked out and have to be evicted at that point.

This buys us all time to pack up our stuff. My siblings left to go to my moms while my dad and his stupid whore pack up out shit without caring if it's damaged or not. The worst moment of my life and a major set back I still haven't recovered from.

I leave in a week and move in with my mom who leaches me for money and uses my little brother as leverage to get what she wants. Crazy selfish woman. I manage to leave and move in with Charles. Charles fucks shit up with me and Ashley... I move back in with my mom cause I'm just not dealing with Charles anymore.

And she steals my money and tries to stab me and all sorts of other nonsense and then kicks me out. She's insane.


Now I'm homeless with just a car and a job. Sigh... Car's a piece of shit, I'm fucking pissed at life and just trying really hard to make it. While I'm at this horribly low point in my life I go to the library one day. I'm online on aim and liz is talking to me. She's also sitting right next to me and doesn't seem to know it.

. o O (Fuck it. Ashley isn't into me. I've got a felony because racist cops beat my ass when I was 18 and called it assault. My dad and mom both stole my money. I'm homeless... I wanna get laid and don't give a fuck she's 15 anymore. The system fucks me over when I play by it's fucking rules, so fuck the rules.)

"Look to your right." I tell her on aim. She looks left
"No, not left, to your right." I im.
She looks right and I'm waving. We go outside I'm smoking a cigarette and we make out. I give her a ride home.

She said she was a virgin. She keeps calling me and wanting to hang out. Sometimes I say I'm going to show up and then think . o O (Man, what the fuck am I doing... I don't even like this girl.) and I don't show up. Other times I show up and she gets all worried about the times I didn't show up and asks stupid questions like "is there something wrong with me?" I never answer them cause I don't want to lie, instead I make out with her.

One day she's pressuring me to take her virginity, so I do. And for 3 years we dated off and on. Mostly me trying to get rid of her and her begging me to take her back until that last day. It was Valentines day and we're fucking in her car and I just can't do it anymore, I don't love her. I don't even fucking like her. I break up with her while we're having sex and don't even finish. She was upset and heart broken and was going to give me a ride home. I said I'd walk.

She never asked me out again or tried to get back with me. Instead she started dating someone else and made up stories about how much of and asshole I was. I guess there was some truth in her stories since I wasn't all that nice to her. I don't really care, I needed to get rid of her and only dated her cause my world had came crumbling down around me at the time and I wanted to get laid.


Deb. D2 S10 L

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

It was around the last year I was dating liz when I met this girl. I had been a frequent mallrat because that's how I met friends who would let me crash in their house since I was homeless and off and on living at my crazy mothers house. At the time I was broken up with Liz. I meet Deb in front of the mall while she's out smoking. She tells me some sarcastic joke and I laugh and we're talking and having a good time and I go to work.

I see her again the next day I'm on my way to work. She's sitting on a bench not saying anything. I ask her what's up. She says she's thinking. I sit with her and don't say anything at all and she asks if I want to go to a park, I go to the park with her and we're hanging out on the swings. I ask how old she was. 13 she says. . o O (Fuck... I hate my life) I think. She's pretty cool so we just keep hanging out. Then I lose my job and my mom moves far from the mall. I don't see her anymore.

I break up with Liz for good. Finally. One day I go to the mall to look for work when I run into Deb and she gives me her phone number. We hang out every so often and she talks about all these wonderful theories and such.

I apply to work at Cedar point with my friend Ryo I'd met about 3 years ago. Then I get a job at McDonalds. I get a letter in the mail from Cedar Point saying I got the job and it has something I need to bring to work on m first day. So I quit McDonalds... cause fuck that shit.

My mom fucks up and ends up homeless [because she doesn't handle her money well]. She moves in with my Cousin Liz and her boyfriend and I'm there too. They keep yelling at me to get a job and I'm saying I start at Cedar point in about a two weeks and have a paycheck coming from McDonalds. They still yell at me.

Deb asks me out... I say that I really want to but she's just too young. She makes a sad face and says "Some laws society makes are only there to make money." I think about this for a bit and say "I'm still going to have to say no.".

I give my money from the McDonalds check to Liz and her boyfriend for letting me stay there. It was roughly $150. He kicks me out and buys alcohol with the money. Good thing I saved $20... I end up spending it on food. And now I don't have a way to get to Cedar Point. They had said they'd take me and that part of the money I was giving them was for that.

I walked 30 fucking miles with a 65lb backpack on. I slept in a fucking abandoned barn somewhere during that walk. I eventually made it to Cedar point. My friend Ryo turns out to be a shady backstabbing asshole. He's asking if I like this girl and saying he doesn't like her. I come home early from work one day to find the two of them in bed naked.

I meet this girl Chriti [who will be mentioned later].
And eventually I get fired for "lying" on my application [In court with the racist cops thing that happened the judge sentenced me to a year probation and said that once my fines are paid off and I'm done with probation it will be expunged from my record. So on an application that asks if you've ever been charged with a felony you can say no. apparently this shit wasn't fucking true at all.].

I'm homeless again living in Elyria, OH. With no job and no car [cause if broke down a few years back]. I tough it out and look for a job and find some part time shit at the mall because a girl I used to chat with who worked there is now the manager.

My mom stops being a bitch and realizes her son is fucking homeless doing shit like stealing CD's from the hottopic in the mall and selling them to record exchange in order to make money to buy fucking food because work just isn't cutting it. She lets me stay with her.

While living there I keep my part time job and find a construction job.
Well, my mom flips out again and kicks me out and I can't make it to work anymore. It's fucking frustrating. I get really angry and decided I'm moving to Detroit to stay with my grandmother. I do. And while I'm there my sister invites me to live with her [which I'd been avoiding for a while].

So, now I'm in Cleveland and find a job at a restaurant.
One day I decide to look for Deb on Myspace. She's 16 at this point in time. I think to myself "Some laws are only there to make money." And we start going out.

My family doesn't know. Her family thinks I'm in high school [and I look about her age]. We only had sex once. The first day she came to see me in Cleveland from Lorain. We go to the woods and she wants alcohol so I buy some. We're hanging out and then go back to my house. While we're there she says she wanted to drink so she'd be more social and acceptable around me. I take her beer, chug it and say "I like you just the way you are." She smiles and kisses me. We're making out and I grab her breast and she moves my hand away and say "Hey!" I say "Sorry, thought we were dating." She says "It's fine..." and we continue to make out.

Then we're watching a movie when she asks "Where do you sleep at here?" I show her the room I sleep in that has no bed currently. She's making out with me and then grabs my hand and puts in on her breast and whispers in my ear "Do you want anal." We have sex, then smoke a cigarette and talk about all the wonderful things we'd used to talk about.

We never had sex again after that mainly 'cause the situations that happened never provided us with such opportunities. But I was so deeply in love with this girl and was happy all the time despite not getting laid. She told me I could fuck other girls if I wanted she said "I understand you have a biological urge and desires to have sex with other girls. You can if you want to, I'm just happy you love me." I never did have sex with other girls... I never really cared.

Then my family found out me and her were dating cause my little brother went to school with her. That's when they knew how old she was. I don't remember how they had found out we were dating. But when they did my sister made her feel really uncomfortable all the time. She also fucked up our plans one day because I needed Deb to have $20 to give my sister gas money to get her. My sister wouldn't let me talk on the phone and said she needed $10 dollars. And I had to beg people for money later that night to get the $10 needed to get this girl home. My sister said I could drive her home and when I got the $10 she changed her mind and said she'd do it in the morning and that Deb could spend the night.

But she was insulting her every so often and making her feel really uncomfortable. Me and Deb mutually agreed at the same time this shit wasn't working out and broke up. She called her mom and got a ride back home and I never saw now spoke to her again. I was oddly not upset that I just lost a girl I fell in love with. I was just happy to have all the good times I'd had.


Rose D3 S25 LK [kinda liked her... but not really].
A while after Deb I'm living with my mom again. She's still fucking crazy and the town we're in has a shitty job economy and it's fucking frustrating. My younger brother has a friend who drives him out to cleveland to go to this things called fight night where people who play fighting games show up to play each other and try to get better at their games in preparation for the tournaments.

His name was Darshawn and he has no skill with women. I mean I'm pretty bad myself, but at this point in time I was 27 ad had fucked 24 different girls. He was 18 and still a virgin and never had a meaningful relationship even with someone he didn't like.

It was Valentines Day 2011 and a group from fight night were waiting for the midnight release of Marvel vs Capcom 3 [Feb.15.2011 was the release date]. Darshawn is with his girlfriend of 2 days, Rose. The guys are making fun of his feeble attempts to put his arm around her and the things he's saying. They're being rather rude to a guy they say they're friends with. They're pretty much antagonizing the kid. I'm not I'm just enjoying some food I bought with my food stamp card and waiting on the release of Marvel 3.

I slip and fall on the ice at some point and my little brothers laughing hysterically and Rose helps me up and asks if I'm okay. I chuckle a little bit and say I'm fine and me and my little brother start cracking jokes.

Well, he drives her home but drops me and my little bro off by the place I'd pre-ordered my copy of the game at. When Darshawn shows up again he's got tears streaming down his face. I'm thinking . o O (man, he's just an acquaintance and not really my friend but I guess I should try to cheer him up). So I say "Hey, wanna go play marvel 3, just came out?" He says no and talks about how he was in love with her. My little brother is cracking jokes [really means ones and Darshawn doesn't seem to notice and I'm kinda laughing a little at my brothers jokes]. I say "Man, just forget about it, she's probably a hoe anyway. She doesn't matter, let's go play marvel and get you mind off of it with something fun."

He just drives us home.

One month later.
I go on facebook and see a friend request from Rose. I start playing the question game with her [rule: You can't ask a question someone has asked you and your questions must be interesting and you have to answer all of the questions]. It's a bit of a test. Darshawns talking to me while I'm doing this and he's talking about some girl, Leah, he likes and pretending he's this noble guy that's not all about her tits or vagina. I'm like "Yeah, that's cool." and he asks what he should do since he likes her so much. I jokingly say "I don't know, bake her a cake or something." [a quote from napoleon dynamite]. Rose wants to hang out, so I tell Darshawn I gtg.

We're at the library first and I fond out she drew earlier so I'm showing her my sketch book and we're drawing pictures. I'm drawing one of this guy sleeping at a desk but I'm giving him angry eyes and making him out to be an evil mad scientist with plans for global domination. She's laughing and I say very loudly SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH we're in the library. She's laughing again and invites me to her house.

Rose is 18 or 19, I don't remember. I'm 27 at the time. While We're there we're in her room and her little brothers are there to make sure we don't have sex. I kiss her either way.

Later Darshawns talking to me about how I'm one of his best friends... and I'm like "We don't really hang out, you're just a guy who gives me a ride once in a while and I give you gas money." He goes on to tell me he backed this girl a cake and he's really excited about it and I say "Have you ever seen Napoleon Dynamite?" He says yes and doesn't know why I asked this. So I point out how there's a scene where Pedro tells napoleon to bake a girl a cake and it was a joke when I had said that.

I tell him I gotta go. Mainly cause Rose was about to hang out with me.
We're at my house and my little brother, our friend mine, and me are cracking jokes and being silly and she's trying to play Marvel vs Capcom with us. I start teaching her how to play and she ends up picking a team close to mine and doing pretty much the same things I do at her College campus and my friend Jason who goes to school there says "Nick there's this girl that plays Marvel just like you at my school." I laugh and say it's probably my girlfriend.

Eventually we have sex. She really was a virgin... hmm. Then it's pretty much every day we're having sex. But I never liked her that much... I did but I didn't.

Eventually my mom kicks me out. AGAIN. After trying to stab me. She tells her parents cause she's trying to get them to let me stay there. Her parents find out I'm not just her friend and these bible thumpers find out I've been fucking their daughter. I think they're racist cause they made her break up with me but their other daughter who's obviously having sex all the time with her white boyfriend they said nothing to. Or maybe they don't like that I'm homeless... I don't know.

But I don't care either cause I just wanted to get laid. She had fun pussy, for a virgin. Okay, if felt good but she was really boring in bed. She was just someone who did whatever I told her to do and would fuck me. Which is boring as shit, except for the fucking part.


Aaaaaaaaaaaand I haven't dated anyone since then.
Darshawn found out about Rose when I told him one day and tried to fight me. I let him punch me in the face and he bragged about it. Then he showed up at fight night while I was there one day and comes at me to assault me. It was in a bar and these people had worked hard to get it there so I don't try to fight back and fuck up their shit with a bar fight. Instead I move away and he keeps coming and catches me in the face.

Still didn't fight back cause I don't wanna ruin fight night, I walk away to the front of the bar and the guy who got it in the bar comes up to me. I think he's there to tell me about the situation. He pushes me and tells me to get out and I say "What? I just got assaulted and didn't fight back cause I don't fight night to end." He keeps pushing me and says "I ain't tryna' hear it bro, you gotta go." I say "Whatever, fuck you Matt" and turn around to leave. As I'm walking out he keeps pushing me on the back. I quickly turn around and grab two of his fingers on his left hand with my right hand [the index and middle finger] and say "I'm already walking out the door, there is no need to push me as I'm walking out. If you do it again I will break your fingers, kick out your knees, and knock your fucking teeth in." in a very calm voice. "Let me know you understand me. Tell me what will happen if you push me again, Matt."
He says "If you do that you'll get..." I start to bend his fingers in a direction they don't turn. He says "You'll break my fingers, kick out my knees, and knock my teeth in."
"That's a good boy" I say the way you'd say it to a dog and rub Matt's hair like you would a dog. And I let go of his fingers and walk out the door and call the cops and press charges on Darshawn. I didn't care about pressing charges on him as much as I was pissed about the fight night bullshit and how they kicked me out so I wanted the cops to show up.

A week later the bar owner decided he didn't want them there if they were attracting the police.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Trying this thing as I wait for a video to buffer.

1. If you allow a woman into your life, how can you make her feel good in many
ways?
Being awesome. I don't know how to explain it really but the 3 girls I dated all liked things like me being smart, funny, and paying attention to what they're saying. Or that I had shit we could do together. Or the part where I motivated them to do shit.

That and I'm good in bed [wasn't when I was dating that first girl though].

2. Imagine you are a man of high value, whose time and attention are craved by
lots of people. What are your rules for allowing people to receive the gift of your
time and attention?
Don't be an asshole.
Aside from that there isn't really any set of rules, some things I like and some things I don't but it's more of an in the moment experience. Like I went to hang out with some girl once and she was constantly on her phone texting and wasn't talking to me. I thought . o O (Fuck this shit) and walked away and got myself some ice cream and she texted to ask where I was. I told her "I didn't come to sit around and watch you text on your phone. I got better shit to do." She got pissed and I ignored her and enjoyed my ice cream.

She was being an asshole.


3. What are some fun things that you like doing that women also like? (Women
need emotions in order to become sexually receptive, so they enjoy things that
areemotionally relevant such as talking on the phone with friends. The easiest
way to kill a woman’s mood for sex is to talk about logical things such as
corporate balance sheets.)
I don't fucking know. I really don't. I like to cook and actually enjoy doing my laundry. I take really good care of my hair and have 3 different kinds of conditioner at the house. I read shitty books like 50 shades of grey. I read good books like the hunger games.

Going for walks, that's something I like to do. I really fucking hate talking on the phone. I'd rather talk in person or text but I hate to talk on the phone.

Not really sure what I do that women also generally like.
Some things, such as playing video games, women do like but there seems to be a myth floating around that they don't.

4. What are some qualities you have (or can develop) that women would find
attractive?
Hmm....
See I'd have to first understand what in the hell they're attracted to. This is probably why I don't get women often. Cause I don't know what the fuck they like int he first place.

I am assertive, but at times I take it too far when I'm standing up for myself. I'm great at planning and organizing shit to make things easier... I really don't know what the fuck women are attracted to in the first place so I don't have an answer for this question.

5. What are some benefits you would need to get from a woman in order for you
to bring her into your life?
Sex. If she's not fucking me then I don't care for her too much.
Good conversation.
Someone who plays video games [well... I can let that slide if we're fucking and not dating. But if we're dating she should be playing them with me].
Kindness and compassion. If she's a bitch she's not for me

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Not sure how this went really, but decided to give a few things a try.
On m plenty of fish... I mean OKCupid I've been actively seeking out someone I like. And it's rather difficult to find. I see an okay looking girl [from what I want] and she ends up being Christian and feeling strongly about it. Ew, I hate christianity.

As I'm looking at all these profiles I'm thinking to myself . o O (So very boring. Are interesting girls really this difficult to find?)

And Randomly I have a new friend on Facebook. So I try chatting and seeing what she's all about. Here's how that went.

Me: yo

7:24pm
Her: Hello

7:24pm
Me: How're you today?

7:25pm
Her: Great.. You?

7:25pm
Me: Talking to someone about what they'd do if there were Zombies running around

7:26pm
Her: Nice
I would hold up in a Super K or something of the like

7:27pm
Me: What about Big K?

7:34pm
Her: nAH
I need food and rifles
I have steak and lobster on right now

7:39pm
Me: Lobster sounds amazing

7:42pm
Her: Indeed... I have a nice slave/Daddy arrangement & he treats me like a queen.. Is good. We switch on roles, and stay open otherwise.

7:42pm
Me: What?
You have a slave arrangement with Lobster?

7:49pm
Her: Yes

7:50pm
Me: Was that a random wrong message?

7:51pm
her: Nope.. I was just stating that I am spoiled with nommy foods by my dude

7:52pm
Me: Oh, it was such a random message int eh conversation I wasn't sure where you were going with it.
I'm in an open relationship with Palmala Handerson currently. We've been taking time off for a while though.

7:55pm
Her: Hahaha.. I am random
& kool
Open is easier

7:58pm
Me: You got the joke right?
PALMala HANDerson

7:58pm
her: >.<
Hahahaha

7:59pm
Me: She's a good listener and really handy with things, but she never says much

7:59pm
Her: This is the fisrt time I have eaten today, so I may be a lil' slow :p
Nice

7:59pm
Me: I kinda forgot to eat today
I haven't been hungry though

8:00pm
her: I hear ya...
This lobster is giving me a dirty look

8:01pm
Me: Maybe it's angry about the rubber bands on his hands from earlier

8:03pm
Her: Either that, or it's pissed cuz I just unabashedly ripped it's tail off

8:03pm
Me: That's a good reason to give someone an ugly look I think

8:04pm
Her: I played it Bjork while I did it.. It should be happy

8:06pm
Me: Which song?

8:08pm
Her: I go Humble

8:09pm
Me: I haven't heard that one [then again I only know Hunter}.

8:12pm
Her: Oh my... You need to listen to more

8:12pm
Me: Possibly, that hunter song is one of my favorite songs
which reminds me I need to put in on my "shit I listen to when I go to sleep" playlist

8:13pm
Her: Hunter is indeed awesome'
You is sleepy head now?

8:14pm
Me: army of me as well

8:14pm
her: Mmmmhmmm
Love that one

8:15pm
Me: No, Not going to sleep as of now. I just have a playlist of sleepy songs like "In the house in a heart beat" from 28 days later, "hunter" by Bjork, "Bosnia" from the cranberries, and more
Just whatever is relaxing and puts me in a good mood

8:17pm
Her: Nice
Try this one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyut3GyQtn0

8:19pm
Me: I'm falling a sleep already
What is this?

8:21pm
Her: Telepopmusik

8:22pm
Me: How'd you hear of them?

8:22pm
Her: I don't recall...
Lamb is another great band
Similar style
A little lighter

8:26pm
Me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoPegb-h ... re=related

8:27pm
Her: Love that one
Makes me wanna go listen to some Jazz in a swanky little club

8:28pm
Me: This song makes me think . o O (The rain was pouring down like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at the same time. She walked through my door like a tiger into an orphanage, she had trouble written all over her)

8:28pm
Her: NIce
I have demolished my lil lobster friend

8:31pm
Me: I demolished your mom last night!
ooooooooooooooooooooohhh!!
burn!
how's the sun feel

8:34pm
Her: Hahaha
I just had to delete and block some douche for trying to forcibly video chat me o.O

8:37pm
Me: I see.
If there was a Zombie Apocolypse what would you want for weapons?

8:41pm
Her: A battle rifle, a sickle, and a flame thrower

8:43pm
Me: Interesting choices. How could you carry all of that around though?

8:50pm
Her: Back pack of doom
Prolly could not carry all three at once I suppose
What are your choices

8:59pm
Me: games??
computer is drunk

8:59pm
Her: Hahaha

8:59pm
Me: What's a backpank of doom?

9:00pm
Her: A super awesome military back pack that can carry lots of stuffs

9:00pm
Me: OH! I thought you mean one with a never ending black hole inside of it
like in a videogame

9:00pm
Her: THAT would be awesome

9:01pm
Me: I know. I always wondered where people like Link or Solid snake put all their belongings.

9:01pm
her: I know, right?

9:02pm
Me: there's only so much they can wear, and only so much space in their ass, and they move so freely anyway.

9:03pm
her: Indeed

9:03pm
Me: I would have a Shotgun, Katana, and a Crowbar.

9:03pm
Her: Good choices

9:03pm
Me: Also a Five Seven pistol with it's magnificent 20 round mags

9:03pm
Her: NIce

9:03pm
Me: Or a P90

9:04pm
Her: Wowza.. Had to google that one
Koool shit

9:04pm
Me: It's so useful in metal gear solid 4
the Five Seven pistol and the P90 use 5.7mm bullets that travel fast enough to pierce a bullet proof vest [two actually]. But since they're so small the magazines have a shit ton of them.

9:10pm
Her: Hell yeah
I gotta run.. Have a great night. It was good chating with ya

9:12pm
Me:Thank you
And same here, feel free to chat with me whenever

9:13pm
Her:Coolness.. Will do

-------------------------------

The point here was I'm looking for a girl that can make me feel the way Alysha, Amy, Ashley, [lot's of A's... I don't have a fetish, lol] Colleen, and Deb made me feel.

I've slept with... shit, let me think about this for a second... fuck, doesn't matter. 30+ girls. Of the first 10 girls I had sex with I was emotionally connected to the 10th girl [Deb]. I'd lost my virginity when I was 19 and got with Deb when I was 24 or 25. I don't remember. It was 24 cause the average was 2 girls a year back then [Considering only one of the 10 girls I'd slept with in the 5 year time span I had sex with more than once I was pretty irritated with my sex life. Always hoping that maybe I'll luck out and run into someone that works out or have a situation fall into my lap].

Let me think here... Deb, Courtney, Colleen... 3. Seriously only 3!
I've slept with over 30 women and was only into 3 of them. And the 3 that I really liked and wanted to go out with I only slept with once. My ex-girlfriend Rose, I was fucking her every day pretty much. I didn't have a very strong emotional connect to her though... she felt like a puppet. She was so fucking boring! Even in bed. I wanted to like her but I never did, I was only with her because I had someone to make out with and sleep with.

Amy, I never had sex with Amy. When I kissed Amy my whole body feels different. I don't just feel it with my lips. Amy is weird and kinda crazy. She likes to smoke pot and drink alcohol. She's funny and cracks silly jokes all the time and has a weird taste in things. I'm in love with her. She isn't boring. Also she has long curly red hair, I love her hair but it's her personality that gets me going.

Kissing Amy is something I'd do any day over having sex with Rose.
This is what I'm looking for. And I can't find it. I Don't know what it was about the girls I was so into. I'll have to write about them tomorrow and see if there's something they all have in common [other than me being in love or just liking them a great deal]. I mean I know one thing they all have in common is they're all kind hearted people.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Well, any of you who've been reading this understand that it is no longer a day to day account of how my life is without masturbating. It doesn't focus much on that anymore and has become my Journal... Well not really a journal in general. Cause I've had a journal and they're very generalized and just talk about what's on my mind and never focus specifically on any topic [aside from ME].

This is my Social life journal I guess you could say. It focuses on everything I feel is effected by my social life.


So, the last two days were interesting.
Friday: I woke up and did my 1A:A:A and 2143a:B practice with Alpha Patrokolos in Soul calibur V. I set a Goal to do the 1A:A:A 3 times in a row

btw, for those wondering the the fuck the numbers and letters mean the the :, lower case, blah blah blah. The numbers are directional inputs while facing right. 1 is down and back, 2 down, 3 down and forward, 4 back, 5 nothing, 6 forward, 7 upback, 8 up, 9 up forward (a number pad used to tell you which direction to use).

aB means you press A attack then B attack as fast as you can (slide your fingers across the buttons).

: means there's a specific timing for something. a:B usually means you have 2 or 3 frames to pres A then B [one second contains 60 frames]. In the case of 1A:A:A perfect timing is where each A attack [Default Square on ps3 and X on 360] is 20 frames apart [at a tempo of 180bmp]. You can be off by 1 frame while doing this meaning After you hit the first 1A you must hit A within the window of 19-21 frames, then the next A is also a window of 19-21 frames.

This requires patience and focus in order to get right. Good thing to do when you start your day if you ask me. If you wake up and do such a task it kinda puts you in the mindset to be patient and focused throughout the day.

Then there's the 2143a:B. This is pressing buttons as fast as you possibly fucking can. 2143a:B = Just Twister. A Just twister and a twister are two different things. In a lot of combos you must do the Just twister for it to connect. The twister is difficult enough. Currently I do 20 in a row. What it is it press down to back, then downforward and aB as fast as you can which isn't about patience as much as accuracy and speed. The faster the better. Also something good to do when you wake up in my opinion. Get's you used to doing things that require accuracy and speed rather than patience and focus.


So, I do this every day now and have been improving. As I've been improving I notice I'm a more focused and in control person with other area's of my life as well.


So, friday. I wander about and want to find a party. First I just want a fucking cigarette and I go to the gas station and return bottles with the ten cent deposit, 5 of them gets me a cig. I run into a guy I met this summer.

He asks If I remember him, I say "Hotel party."
He says "Yeah."
I ask "You ever see her again after that?"
"Nope."
"Me neither. I told my friends in ohio about that day and they thought I was full of shit."
He laughs and says "That was a wild day."

Rewind back to the summer.
I had recently lost m job at Home Depot and was fairly pissed the fuck off. . o O (I got fired cause I'm not black enough... Silly me for wanting to work and not wanting to talk about rap music... fucking bitches..). I decide to go on an Adventure [in my life this is usually a sign something stupid is about to happen. with about 90% accuracy of something going down].

I leave the house and walk to liquor store and buy a bottle of jack, only 200ml, and a bottle of rootbeer, 591ml. Drink roughly 1/3 of the rootbeer and pour in the jack. Stealth alcohol suited for getting drunk in public.

I walked to a park and start smoking a cig and drinking my "Rootbeer" while some girl with an ICP tattoo [which always makes me think . o O (Easy. she's been around the block plenty of times. Probably has an IQ around 79-93).] is drinking something she has in a paper bag [looks like beer]. And some jittery guy who looks like he smokes rocks is drinking a 40 without the paper bag and an older man is sleeping on the ground.

She asks me for a cig and I give her one and she starts chatting to me about Music. I asked her if she's into ICP and she feeds me some BS about how she used to be a manager for them. My response to this is fairly neutral: "Being a manager for ICP sounds like it might be fun." It neither says I believe her crap nor accuses her of lying outright. I'd been focusing a lot of being Neutral back then. While we continue this conversation the older man wakes up and the jittery guy is swearing like a sailor.

the older one tells the jittery guy "Hey, don't curse around this man. You should respect him, he's well spoken and probably doesn't swear very much." He's talking about me. the jittery one apologizes to me and I say "You don't need to apologize, thanks anyway though. I'm no perfect angel, while you haven't heard me swear yet, it doesn't mean I never do."

The girl asks me if I drink. "I'm drinking right now." I say and take a sip of my "rootbeer". She says she meant do I drink alcohol "I knew what you meant." I say.
"Clever guy." the older one says.
"Would you like some?" I say as I offer my "rootbeer."
He inquires "What did you put in it?"
"Jack Daniels." I say.

The girl and jitterbug are a little shocked by this.
The older guy drinks some of my concoction and says "See, I told you two you could learn something from him. If you're drinking like this no one will ever know you're drinking any thing more than root beer."
We continue on bsing like this.

Then we head out to get more alcohol when the older man asks if I feel like throwing a hotel party. I say "Sure, why not."
We agree that he'll buy the alcohol and I'll buy the room. Since jitter bug and ICP girl are broke, this is how that shit gets worked out. He spends about $40 on booze, I buy a little more [my private stash for latter] and a pack of smokes. Then I pay for the room, $40.

Jitterbug wants to come and drink with us, but we kinda ditched him. He hadn't contributed and was going to consume our booze with nothing to offer. I learned something that day about the economy.

In the room me and him are drinking and the girl keeps asking us for booze. We tell her sure and pour her a cup. Then I'm giving her a massage and take her top off. He takes off her shorts [apparently it was commando wednesdays]. Fuck it, I put on a condom and start fucking her on the floor. Then I reach my hand back and he slaps my hand to tag in. I get up and pour myself a drink and smoke a cig while he's fucking her on the floor.

He puts her on the bed and I'm done with my cig and I tag his hand and go back to fucking her, he pours himself a drink and lights up a cig. We keep tagging in and out and then we start fucking her at the same time. Anal and Vaginal. She's screaming pretty crazy and most of the booze is gone accept my stash.

We both nut on her face and then chill and smoke a cig while I'm drinking some of my secret stash. She get's cleaned up and comes back out and wants to have sex some more.

We fuck her some more and then she leaves and me and him just chill and smoke cigs and watch T.V.. In the morning we turn in the room key and part ways.

Still don't know her name or his.

So me and him BS for a few minute and I'm on my way to look for a party.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Well, any of you who've been reading this understand that it is no longer a day to day account of how my life is without masturbating. It doesn't focus much on that anymore and has become my Journal... Well not really a journal in general. Cause I've had a journal and they're very generalized and just talk about what's on my mind and never focus specifically on any topic [aside from ME].

This is my Social life journal I guess you could say. It focuses on everything I feel is effected by my social life.


So, the last two days were interesting.
Friday: I woke up and did my 1A:A:A and 2143a:B practice with Alpha Patrokolos in Soul calibur V. I set a Goal to do the 1A:A:A 3 times in a row

btw, for those wondering the the fuck the numbers and letters mean the the :, lower case, blah blah blah. The numbers are directional inputs while facing right. 1 is down and back, 2 down, 3 down and forward, 4 back, 5 nothing, 6 forward, 7 upback, 8 up, 9 up forward (a number pad used to tell you which direction to use).

aB means you press A attack then B attack as fast as you can (slide your fingers across the buttons).

: means there's a specific timing for something. a:B usually means you have 2 or 3 frames to pres A then B [one second contains 60 frames]. In the case of 1A:A:A perfect timing is where each A attack [Default Square on ps3 and X on 360] is 20 frames apart [at a tempo of 180bmp]. You can be off by 1 frame while doing this meaning After you hit the first 1A you must hit A within the window of 19-21 frames, then the next A is also a window of 19-21 frames.

This requires patience and focus in order to get right. Good thing to do when you start your day if you ask me. If you wake up and do such a task it kinda puts you in the mindset to be patient and focused throughout the day.

Then there's the 2143a:B. This is pressing buttons as fast as you possibly fucking can. 2143a:B = Just Twister. A Just twister and a twister are two different things. In a lot of combos you must do the Just twister for it to connect. The twister is difficult enough. Currently I do 20 in a row. What it is it press down to back, then downforward and aB as fast as you can which isn't about patience as much as accuracy and speed. The faster the better. Also something good to do when you wake up in my opinion. Get's you used to doing things that require accuracy and speed rather than patience and focus.


So, I do this every day now and have been improving. As I've been improving I notice I'm a more focused and in control person with other area's of my life as well.


So, friday. I wander about and want to find a party. First I just want a fucking cigarette and I go to the gas station and return bottles with the ten cent deposit, 5 of them gets me a cig. I run into a guy I met this summer.

He asks If I remember him, I say "Hotel party."
He says "Yeah."
I ask "You ever see her again after that?"
"Nope."
"Me neither. I told my friends in ohio about that day and they thought I was full of shit."
He laughs and says "That was a wild day."

Rewind back to the summer.
I had recently lost m job at Home Depot and was fairly pissed the fuck off. . o O (I got fired cause I'm not black enough... Silly me for wanting to work and not wanting to talk about rap music... fucking bitches..). I decide to go on an Adventure [in my life this is usually a sign something stupid is about to happen. with about 90% accuracy of something going down].

I leave the house and walk to liquor store and buy a bottle of jack, only 200ml, and a bottle of rootbeer, 591ml. Drink roughly 1/3 of the rootbeer and pour in the jack. Stealth alcohol suited for getting drunk in public.

I walked to a park and start smoking a cig and drinking my "Rootbeer" while some girl with an ICP tattoo [which always makes me think . o O (Easy. she's been around the block plenty of times. Probably has an IQ around 79-93).] is drinking something she has in a paper bag [looks like beer]. And some jittery guy who looks like he smokes rocks is drinking a 40 without the paper bag and an older man is sleeping on the ground.

She asks me for a cig and I give her one and she starts chatting to me about Music. I asked her if she's into ICP and she feeds me some BS about how she used to be a manager for them. My response to this is fairly neutral: "Being a manager for ICP sounds like it might be fun." It neither says I believe her crap nor accuses her of lying outright. I'd been focusing a lot of being Neutral back then. While we continue this conversation the older man wakes up and the jittery guy is swearing like a sailor.

the older one tells the jittery guy "Hey, don't curse around this man. You should respect him, he's well spoken and probably doesn't swear very much." He's talking about me. the jittery one apologizes to me and I say "You don't need to apologize, thanks anyway though. I'm no perfect angel, while you haven't heard me swear yet, it doesn't mean I never do."

The girl asks me if I drink. "I'm drinking right now." I say and take a sip of my "rootbeer". She says she meant do I drink alcohol "I knew what you meant." I say.
"Clever guy." the older one says.
"Would you like some?" I say as I offer my "rootbeer."
He inquires "What did you put in it?"
"Jack Daniels." I say.

The girl and jitterbug are a little shocked by this.
The older guy drinks some of my concoction and says "See, I told you two you could learn something from him. If you're drinking like this no one will ever know you're drinking any thing more than root beer."
We continue on bsing like this.

Then we head out to get more alcohol when the older man asks if I feel like throwing a hotel party. I say "Sure, why not."
We agree that he'll buy the alcohol and I'll buy the room. Since jitter bug and ICP girl are broke, this is how that shit gets worked out. He spends about $40 on booze, I buy a little more [my private stash for latter] and a pack of smokes. Then I pay for the room, $40.

Jitterbug wants to come and drink with us, but we kinda ditched him. He hadn't contributed and was going to consume our booze with nothing to offer. I learned something that day about the economy.

In the room me and him are drinking and the girl keeps asking us for booze. We tell her sure and pour her a cup. Then I'm giving her a massage and take her top off. He takes off her shorts [apparently it was commando wednesdays]. Fuck it, I put on a condom and start fucking her on the floor. Then I reach my hand back and he slaps my hand to tag in. I get up and pour myself a drink and smoke a cig while he's fucking her on the floor.

He puts her on the bed and I'm done with my cig and I tag his hand and go back to fucking her, he pours himself a drink and lights up a cig. We keep tagging in and out and then we start fucking her at the same time. Anal and Vaginal. She's screaming pretty crazy and most of the booze is gone accept my stash.

We both nut on her face and then chill and smoke a cig while I'm drinking some of my secret stash. She get's cleaned up and comes back out and wants to have sex some more.

We fuck her some more and then she leaves and me and him just chill and smoke cigs and watch T.V.. In the morning we turn in the room key and part ways.

Still don't know her name or his.

So me and him BS for a few minute and I'm on my way to look for a party.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

I make my way to WSU and while on the campus I hit up the student lounge and play monopoly. Yey!

Then I'm talking to my friend Steve for a bit and I wander off and run into two girls smoking a cig. I try out my nihilism method [which is pretty much what the thing I'm reading preaches: nothing matters]. I just ask for a smoke and sit down and bs for a while. One of the girls is going to school for philosophy so I ask her what existentialism is since I don't entirely know [kinda know but really don't care enough. I hear it's the opposite of nihilism, which I can relate to easier]. She doesn't fucking know. She says she hasn't taken any classes on philosophy yet but that she likes some philosophers like plato and aristotle. Yet she knows little about them either.

Now she's feeling kinda silly and asks me what I'm going to school for. I say Chemical Engineering when I go to classes next semester. She doesn't bother to ask me anything about it but says that I must be pretty smart to go to school for that and we bs for a bit. Ali walks by with her boyfriend... I still hate Ali. However it's significant that she's seeing me talking with other girls that seem interested in me.

I only saw her out of the corner of my eye and didn't acknowledge her. Focus learned from 1A:A:A seems to help in this department where I'm not skipping a beat. The girls decide to go inside to their dorm and the one says she really liked talking to me and I say she was cool too she should add me on facebook. She asks my last name, I say "Jones. Just look for Brightorangeninja@gmail.com instead of Nick Jones." She laughs and says "there must be a lot of you on facebook. I'll try to find you cause I'd love to talk again ".

I walk off and see Ali and her Boyfriend with their friends over by some random car, out the corner of my eye. I'm in a bad mood and want to scream at her or at the very least text something like "You're a stupid cunt, I hate you." . o O (Focus!) I think and I keep walking and go back to the lounge and play more monopoly.

Then I'm off to my friend Harolds house and I get my sun glasses I'd left over there last time I was there. His friend Rex and him are talking about girls. Rex says "You gotta have a nice car and money and blah blah blah blah blah to get girls." I tell him he's wrong. He's on some pornographic dating site [you know the kind, there's shit tons of adds for them on this site].

I tell him I'm taking over the laptop. I take it and close every single window he has open for one of these stupid dating sites and all the ones he has for porn. I go on his e-mail, which hadn't been closed out, and send myself an e-mail so I now have his address. Then I go into my e-mail and open a PDF file of Mystery Method, then log out and tell him "Read this and forget about what you think of girls. Stop with all the excuses you're making. It ain't about money and cars or having a nice house."

He starts reading it and asks if I can send it to his e-mail. I say "Yeah, when I get home I'll send you the file." We all start bsing about who knows what, not girl related shit anymore. I decided to leave.

As I'm walking home I'm texting Alysha. Somewhere in the exchange of texts my mood drops. I'm depressed, I want to bitch about girls and complain. My mind is clouded. She sends me a message and my mind isn't clear. I don't respond. Instead I open up a message to send to Ali. What is written isn't very nice and I think . o O ( FOCUS!!!) and don't send the message.

I put my phone in my inside pocket. I'm no longer walking with my head held high. My will is breaking down and I'm getting depressed... I need to make it home and go to sleep.

Halfway there I text Brandy. I mention that I'm suicidal and depressed and have to stuggle to be happy. I ask if she knows anywhere I can get help? She gives me an answer that's of little use to me [since it involves spending money I don't have]. I say thanks for trying to help but that isn't really an option. She tells me I need to go see someone if I'm that depressed and might kill myself. I say I'm not that bad and mention I'm depressed cause girls are a confusing mess, I live at my dads, and have trouble finding a job and so far every effort made to change all of this has had little effect. She says some cliche bullshit about how I'll find someone someday and it will all work out.

I tell her things don't work that way. Hope is nothing without the will and resources to succeed. I mention that I've slept with 30+ girls and that of all of them I only liked 3 of them. And the three I liked I'd only slept with once and it didn't work out afterwards. She brushes me off by saying "Well if you've been with 30 girls clearly girls like you. You don't have problems with girls. You just have to meet someone who wants to date you."

I stopped being polite here and said that what she said was stupid. What I've been doing is settling for what I can get because I never get what I actually want. When I like someone I fuck it up and end up as just friends. The girls I'd slept with, I wasn't interested in, just satisfying a biological urge to have sex. And sure some of them wanted to date me, but I had no interest. And it's not within my control really, I can't just leave the house with the intent of finding someone to sleep with go go home with someone as much as I left my house and stumbled into a situation that's in my favor and was smart enough to notice that. I'm and opportunist and pretty good at that. But I can't create my own opportunities.

So, when it comes to girls I actually like I fail consistently. When it comes to just trying to have sex, I fail consistently. When it comes to someone is showing interest in me I'm aware enough about signs of interest that I have a high rate of succeeding in an already positive scenario [which I didn't actively create]. A neutral situation I don't know how to change into anything other than a negative one.

She texts something back that I don't read. I don't really care... just needed to vent.
End of Friday.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Though Friday appeared to be full of fails it really wasn't. This time I learned from the failures.

Brandy: Girls will 99.9% of the time give shitty advice and lie. Brandy is one of those. If the case is that a girl hasn't given me anything I want and isn't someone I'm attracted to than she can be used as an "emotional tampon" as they call it.

Brandy doesn't have friend she's willing to hook me up with and she isn't that attractive either [and when I say attractive etc.. I mean overall personality and looks]. But she'll listen when I bitch. She may respond with shitty advice, but the point is she actually listens to my bitching.


FOCUS!!!: Playing Soul calibur everyday with a focus and drive helps out in a lot of other area's. Learning a new character who'd the most difficult in the game to play as makes other things in life seem simple and not such a big deal.

Nihilism: Nothing matters, so why make such a big deal about it?

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12