Hey guys,
I had something really strange happen to me lately. A girl I know (and dated for a while) was living in Okinawa (married to a Marine). She recently got divorced and came back to upstate NY. Now here's the thing: I play music and I got a definite IOI when she emailed me and said, "Hey, when you have a show coming up, let me know...I'd love to see you play!" So I wrote her back and told her the next one is June 23. This is her reply:

"I won't be able to make it June 23rd thanks for the invite though. I will try and make it to one of your shows here in the future as of now I have to get my internal clock back on track and my daughter's...birthday parties..family gatherings..separation papers..finding a job...looking at schools and all that stuff. I also don't really have the money to be going out too much right now...so once I get settled in and everything and start
working I will be sure to come visit and see you play."

This struck me as a weird reply right off the bat because she says "thanks for the invite." My first thought was: invite? She ASKED me for the next show date! Now she's making it sound like I brought it up out of the clear blue. And another thing: my gigs are all at night. Who the hell does job searches and looks at schools at night?

Right away I realized what I was doing: I was guilty of using REAL logic instead of "chick logic." So I discussed the problem with a friend who is also working on his PUA skills, and he helped me refine the following reply:

"All righty. Well, you had written me previously saying you wished to make one of my shows, so I was just letting you know the next date is June 23. However, since your life will be so hectic that you won't even
be able to leave the house for an hour or two during the evening (when most people don't do job searches and schools are closed anyway ), I will leave it up to you to contact me as to when you may be free to
make it to a show. I am far too busy these days to remember to email my show dates to everyone I know. As for the issue of you not having money to go out, I just thought I'd reassure you here that only two or
three of my shows have ever had cover charges. Naturally if you go to a bar/coffee house to see me play, the unwritten rule is that they will expect you to buy at least one beer/cup of coffee. In this case I'd be happy to buy one for an old friend...hell, I do that even for the old friends that I HAVEN'T slept with. "

This was written a few days ago. No reply. I thought it was a decent reply; it got in some jabs of logic but not too much, and it displayed some moments of cocky funny, even a little bit of time restraint (too busy to remember to email everyone).

I don't feel like I'm guilty of one-itis here...I just want to know what the hell I could have done different.

You over-analyzed. That's where you went wrong. You took the word "invite" to mean that she was turning the whole thing back on you. You didn't listen at all to her problem. You didn't help her solve that problem. The tone of what you wrote didn't make it seem at all understanding, and that's grating for anyone.

In sales, we have a way of dealing with objections (which is what this was) called Feel, Felt, Found.

I understand how you FEEL.
Having moved around a lot myself, I've FELT the same way.
I FOUND that forcing myself to go out once in while helped keep me from getting overwhelmed.

Tell you what. My next show is on the 10th. It'll be in the evening, so you shouldn't have to worry too much about the job search. There won't be a cover because it's at a coffee shop (your daughter can come with), and I'll pick up a cup of coffee for you so that they don't kick you out. In return, I demand a back rub and/or sexual favors. Fair?

If that's really her objection, she'll come to your show. If that's NOT her objection, you've made it easier for her REAL objection to come out, and you can deal with it.

Remember: She wants to sleep with you, but there are obstacles in her life that keep her from doing that. It is your job to show her ways around those obstacles.

_________________
Repent now and save 50% on your next divine judgment.
-Monkey's Little Brother, Spud

Thanks for your reply, Monkey. I wonder if the situation is recoverable, but even if it isn't...oh well, there are more women out there.

You know, I was thinking of letting some time pass and writing an email that said, "Maybe I wasn't as understanding of your situation as I could have been in my previous reply," and then using the things you said. But then I remembered you don't want to look too desperate or dependent on her. And that is when I hit upon a new phrase...I don't think I've heard it or seen anything like it in the literature I've read so far. At any rate, the words that occurred to me were, "You don't want to be guilty of showing too much interest."

TMI.

As in, "Why didn't Joe get to f-close with that HB10?"

"TMI, man."

Does anyone like that?

Actually let me amend the previous reply because I just realized TMI is already used as an abbreviation for "too much info." Let's expand it to STMI..."SHOWED too much interest." Imagine it in the following context:

PUA #1: Hey whatever happend with you and that HB10?
PUA#2: STMI.

Or it could be "showing," as in:

PUA#1: where's that babe you met at the airport?
PUA#2: blew that chance.
PUA#1: how?
PUA#2:guilty of stmi.

I have to give credit where it is due: a friend of mine named Jeff came up with the correction. Hopefully he will be joining the forum soon. He is a fledgling PUA like me.