So many new names...anyone of the old guys still around..the ones that were here when I first joined awhile back seems people that enter this are not going into it to succed..yeah Im temporarly down at the moment life just hard..I feel totally lost.

Have you ever had one of those life altering experiences, where something or someone does a number on you and you just cant forget it..love turns to hate, hate turns to anger..and anger stays for so long you forget what joy felt like?

Suddenly one day everything changes you spark back to life past wounds heal rapidly and your memories fade with time...hate is forgotten, no more anger...many would call this feeling love?

Well love cant do this to you..cant make you feel endlessly happy, what love does is raise your spirit just so it can break you again, so what would be a nice way of avoiding this pain?

Stop caring, I am sure it sounds impossible, but it can be done like everything else where a little effort is put into the picture, suddenly you reach a state of equilibrium..your game flaws stop mattering, you just seem to be in a full state of nothingness, you've reached Nirvana...and it feels good, nothing can hurt you..noone can ever touch your spirit..

You have become unbreakable...yet fragile.

Why are you fragile now?

You have reached a point in your life where your personality has changed the familiar faces around you are only rememberd with the help of pictures..you are not indipendant..your a player.

You decide like always its time to hit the club, just to get some meat for the weekend..everything goes well..everything is dandy.

Untill the eyes, smile and face which are going to break what you worked so hard to build up, the new and better you, is now history..2 hours later your back to the old you..but still happy..but this is diffrent..this is something you remember from the times where girls mattered..when they had names..and the names had faces..you found the reason why you entered this game in the first..no your no longer the natural you once were..14 years old and about to get laid for the first time..your 23 and very diffrent..she changed you...she changed the one who never changes..remains a stagnant source..where there is nothing new.

But now this guys he's 19 and after several diffrent girls over time, lays after lays..sure a few quite amberssing..like the time at that..party when he forgot to lock the door and oops the party is now taking place in the same room.

She steped into your life she changed you..you had to adapt you were a old model..needed uppgrades and you felt ready to let someone take a place in your life..saying you never loved her..would be a lie so dont..just simply dont lie, you loved her and you know it.

after meeting Eve..life is suddenly extremly good, she's your first true one..you felt you would give your life if she could continue living..yes we could surely say she was everything you ever wanted.

8 months pass and Eve is starting to feel sick..your worried..this is making you worry..she will make it..its not that kind of sickness..you have gut feeling about this..so you drive to her house..to see how she was and as you enter..you see her watery eyes stare back at you..you knew she had been crying..and you knew why...the two of you had rough times ahead..of you.

3 days passed and you had allready visited the doctor and got your inner fears answered..you would have to make a decision which would forever haunt your memories. the question at hand was now..are you ready for the comitment the current situation would require of you..are you ready to be a father..?

you met your angel on a early morning sat on the buss..the three of you..eve, you and her close friend which would be better moral support then you could have imagined..as you entered the hospital you felt sick..and nervous..you looked around...and the scenary seemed hostile..everything seemd cold and dead.

1 hour had passed since her SPAM for removal had started..she was making small sighs of pain while she was lying silently in her bed..with tears slowly dripping down her cheeks..you could have died that day.

1 hour and 10 minutes passed when she suddenly started screaming and you ran for the doctor..and as the doctor enters the room to remove your angels pain you see a relief in her face..she was jacked up.

2 hours passed..and blood started coming the procedure was complete..we killed our child.

1.5 years of relationship and everything was going downhill..she was'nt the same anymore and deep down you knew you had changed..you no longer saw her as your little angel, sure you would gladly give your life for her, but you changed.

2 years passed and you were getting voilent..felt trapped and like suffocating and lets mix that with to much to drink and the results were you broke your fist on a big oak tree..and minutes later you wake up in the hospital..seeing blurry and meeting a serious face standing next to you, the person was your doctor..and as she was telling you your hand had 2 fracutures, you zone out and meet your angels eyes..she was right next to you, crying..worrying..you felt something again..lets call it hope.

2 years and 10 months pass and you stand for a choice in life which will change everything she wants to travel..just to see some friends in Australia..you knew that this could mean..losing her..but you no longer felt much for her or anyone else..life was stagnant..so you tell her to go and have fun.


2 years and 11.99 moths she returned from australia and came to you, her blue eyes seemed familiar..but yet you hessitated to go in for the kiss, you somehow needed to know something first...you have pride..there is no place for code here..no you ask the question in mind and get the answer you wanted to hear..you rejoyce for a short period and kiss your girl..she smiles..you smile..everything seems fine, later the same day you go for a drive..just the two of you..you feel some hope..not much but atleast there is something..


after the 20 mins drive you stop the car so you could overview the beach..she looks sad..you knew that face and every expression it made..something was wrong..and your not know for your subletly and as usaul you ask her with a serious look..-Whats wrong? the smile you had is gone..your facial experssions have turned to something looking like anger or anxiety..yeah somewhere inbetween, so she tells you..

-I love you, I really do...but I dont know if I am in love with you.

you had a feeling this was coming you sensed it all day, you somehow have a way of knowing this subconciensly..so you look at her, knowing exactly what it meant, so your not playing games anymore so when you respond it could have seemed a bit cold..but thats you, never liked beating around the bush.

-So ? okay want to break this up?

you knew she never expected you to say those words..but you had your time to think night after night while she was away.
she slowly opens her mouth to answer you.

-Uhhhh..No..I love you..I want this to work.

After hearing those words you ignite the car...and tell her your driving her home..and after that you dont say a single thing..you saw this coming yet it left a bitter taste in your mouth..you went home not thinking about it anymore you were tired of thinking..you wanted peace of mind.

3 years.

This was your three year aniversity and you drove to the park to meet her..she started to show you vacation pictures..which gave you a bad feeling, you asked her in a harsh way to put the pictures back into their place and tell her to get into the car..you start the ignition..and drive not saying a word..you finally see a parking..and you stop..you dont move you just breathe and think..wait for her to say something..you were out of words..you had nothing else to bring you feel depleted..sometime passes and you finally..say.

-We really dont have anything left to talk about...

and as she turns her head to look at you, you turn away..you dont want to look at her scared your fears would be confirmed..so you say.

-I think its best we each go our seperate ways..ill give you a ride home.

after saying this you felt a chill enter your body..a coldth which you never felt befor..you were figthing the tears..but you knew you could'nt spill any your a man..and we dont cry..ever.

you reach her house and she offers you a cigarette..you reject it..and for the first time meeting her eyes..you recongnize those eyes..they look sad..so you find it in your heart to take a last smoke with her..one last favor..after all she was your girl..you step out of the car and light your smoke, not saying a word..then she suddenly breaks the silence..

-We can be friends...

you heard the words you replied..just wasn't sure they were yours..they felt..strange..

-We cant be friends..lets not fool ourselfs..we both know this is it..friendship is a illusion, hanging on after something that we had..I am sorry..this is the last time we speak.


Now you felt something die..you could'nt belive what you just said..and as a result you saw her cry..gave you no satisfaction you never wanted to hurt her..you loved her..this made it hard to stay a man..you wrapped your arms around her kissed her and said..I am sorry..I will always be here for you as a friend or anything..you knew this was a lie..you knew what the future was holding..you had the experience.. you told her you had to go hugged her a last time and sat in your car and backed out and drove away..slowly thinking over what had just happend..

8 months pass after your rough life altering experience and you still feel the same..you cant forgive her for what she did..you found out threw a friend 3 months after your break up..she had been cheating on you in Australia..and thats all you can think about for so long..you feel betrayed insecure...like half the man you were befor her..she destroyed you.

11 months pass and you set your eyes on someone you'd like to fuck..trust is not your thing anymore..you have a hard time trusting anyone unless its a bunch of strangers on the other side of the world..you play mind games..but you feel like crap..even if exterior claims something else.

You have lost your smooth way of speaking you've lost your identity she took it with her..you no longer feel challanged..find every pretty face dull as a picasso painting..it simply does'nt intresst you..nothing does..untill she came to your life..she made you feel alive again..putting a new smile on your face..and your alive again.

just to be shut down and betrayed..again..you are now nothing but a shell of the greatness you once were..you feel..naked and insecure..you lost everything.




To Eve and M,

Sweethearts I have to do this..you both meant something for me..I will never forget any of you..but I must do this..please find it in your heart to forgive me...I am killing you in my head..you no longer exist or have ever existed, you killed me..M you put in the mercy blow inahilitating what little hope was left for me, please find it in your hearts to forgive me, for everything I everything i did wrong..there were quite a few ocasions...I am sorry, babes..Farewell.


Now that I got all of that of my chest for the first time since it happend, I am not asking you to coment it, I was just realseing some bagage befor I can go on, time has come for me to change for the better, bigger, now.




respectfully yours

SF