Carrots and sticks...
Is it healthy to use sticks in a relationship?

I like to dominate. And if the girl doesn't comply, I want to punish her.

I have a girl. Victoria. Kissed, kind 'a had sex. And now she has been ignoring me for 4 days. I am going to exclude her from my friend list on facebook. Too much?

Relationship history.2007/2008

I live in city (capital) A, she lives in city B (resort).

1. Opinion opener.
2. Met the other day. Held hands, almost kissed. Lots of comfort. Smartest girl I ever met. Met again for a few times.
3. She brakes all contact, doesn't answer phone. My emotional crisis.
4. With a cliffhanger I tricked her into contacting me. He he...managed to get her email.
5. Emails...emails...she develops an interest in me...starts fantasizing about me.
6. I invite her to come to my city by bus. Excuse - parents don't let. Compliance test failed.
7. She is flaky. How about an online marriage? No. Compliance test failed.
8. Lots of sticks, I threaten to brake all contact with her.
9. She responds with a 10 A4 page long emotional email. I am accused of having, similarly to her, communication problems. She agrees for an online marriage.
10.I am going to UK, we won't be able to meet for a long time. I come to her city. She is very emotional. Very happy. We kiss (I am her second kiss after a 24 year old), philosophy talk, some naked action in bed. No sex though - logistical problems. Explains: she ignored me, because my value is a lot higher than that of hers and she didn't understand why I was interested in her.
11. Both never felt such emotions in our lives.
12. I am still emotional. She is not.
13. Phone talk. I am her dream man. She never met anyone who is that smart and understanding.
14. Me:"Come to my city". No. Again She failes a compliance test.
15. Now she ignores my email and sms again.

I want to exclude her from facebook. I want her to feel loosing me. I want a revenge.
I want to have the control over the relationship.

Context.

I'm 19. She's 15. Very smart. Sometimes manipulates other people, even me. Good knowledge of psychology. Abitious woman with a need for money and domination.
I never felt such emotions for a girl. She is the first girl I met (and I met quite a lot of them) that is so close to my ideal, that makes me a better person and enriches my thinking. I even imagine marrying her.

The big picture.
My last relationship. Suffered from a similar love/hate relationship. When a girl is complying, I love her, I fantasize about our common future. When she starts flaking, I immediately impose sanctions on her, and feel anger about her flakyness after all that emotional investment.

My questions to you.

What is causing all that flakyness with a seemingly exceptional relationship?
Is using sticks an appropriate tactic?

Uhh aren't you a little too old for her?

If you want revenge start telling DHV stories and incorporating other women into your life. It'll eat her up.

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I'm addicted to facing my fears.

So you're going to "punish" her for not wanting to meet up with you? That's like the President shutting your freedom of speech if you don't agree with him.

"Punishing" someone because she fails to follow your lead is the biggest trait of insecurity. Leadership is not about punishing someone, leadership (in any type of relationships) is inspiring them to grow themselves. But for that to happen, you must grow first. When you grow, the world around you grows.

Drop the rules that other gurus put to you in ebooks. That's the biggest crap you'll ever come across.

Oh, and you can not control a relationship, trying to CONTROL that relationship. If you have that urgency to control something, then what does that tell you? And just for the note: You can never have total control of anything. You can only lead.

And yeah, get someone your age. And before you even think about it, she is not flaking because she's young, I've seen way too many young girls with older dudes. Again, get someone your age - just because it's ethical.

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Dude, she's 15 years old. That's probably the cause of the flakiness.

15... Need I say more?

Man you got issues.

People like to argue that age isn't an issue sometimes but in this case it's obvious. My mentality when I was fifteen is way different from what it is now. I'm with the others. Get a girl your own age... it might make this a tad bit easier to handle.

Well I want to emphasize, that of all the girls I've known/ were in a relationship with (and mostly the girls were my age, or even older) she is the smartest one I encountered. And that is a huge DHV to me.
However, my philosophy lies in the believe that truth lies somewhere in the middle between many opinions.
I do agree that:
Leadership is not about punishing someone, leadership (in any type of relationships) is inspiring them to grow themselves.
I also agree that age is an issue, despite so many common things between us, the cognitive mentality must be different, as we are in different developmental stages in life.
I learned a lot from this. Thank you.
You can't force a relationship. Confrontation is meaningless, if she doesn't value the way you are, you must have the guts to admit that (compliance tests show that) and instead of anger, focus on improving yourself and being open for other relationships.
Golden thought:
You can't control anything, but yourself.

i have to go with the other guys.

your 19
shes 15

your too old... by like 3 years

Man, your new post marks a big improvement but I gotta say the first one painted the picture of you being creepy as hell. You want to dominate? Great. Why? What reason does anybody have to be your minion? None. Make them want to follow, and they will. Making them feel bad when they don't, and they'll just push you further away.

You're too emotionally invested in her. How many girls do you have right now, seriously? Sounds to me like she's the only girl in your life and if that's the impression I'm getting, imagine what your behaviour is telling her. You suggested getting an online marriage, for crying out loud. She lives too far away to see her when it suits you, she's being a pain in the ass and you're still chasing her after all this time... not cool. As for your question, how do you want to punish her? As long as you get the point across that you don't tolerate that kind of behaviour and you don't have to put up with it, it doesn't really matter. That being said, it may be a bit too late for that but who knows. Worth a shot... if she doesn't respond to your change in attitude then move the fuck on.

Sorry for the downright creepy first message. I just needed to be sincere to get useful advise.

But boy is this forum a MEN IMPROVEMENT MACHINE

I stopped being a control freak. I didn't call her for some time. She called me. A couple of days later I called her. Had a fun chat. The fact that I was relaxed and confident in a way was a DHV I think.
Then she surprised me with an unexpected visit. She had to sacrifice a lot for that.
We had a great time. We seem to have a genuine connection.
However some things puzzle me: 1)she said her best friend encouraged her to come 2)she doesn't always respond to my sms or e-mails. As if ignoring some of the things I say. (or is that just me being controlling?)

On the contrary, when we speak on the phone, she anxiously asks when will we talk next time.

Puzzling

^^^^^

Dude, all 15 year old girls act like that. All of them. They're at a stage where they just don't want to feel alone. Any guy that can hold their attention for a while will get it.

If she doesn't respond to you, and you're putting more effort forward than she is, you're trying too hard. Freeze her out for a few days if you have to, it worked for me.

This girl I've liked for a while seems to like talking to me and etc, but it's always me putting out the first contact. I was fed up with it and quit talking to her. Got a text a few days later from her, asking why I wasn't talking to her. She said she thought I was angry at her, and then apologized to me for "taking me for granted".

Sometimes disappearing for a while makes them want you more.


Edit: Oh, and by the way.. this works for a lot of things, not just flakes. When she fails a compliance test, or says something bitchy, or whatever, just be less responsive to her, like you're not gonna put up with it. Make it seem as if talking to her isn't as important now that she messed up like that. If she really enjoys talking to you, this will help out a lot.

One more thing... Deleting someone off of your facebook/myspace isn't that big a deal. And threatening to break contact with her? That's all bad, actions speak louder than words. Showing her you aren't afraid to cut her off will make her realize she's been taking you for granted, unless she doesn't care for you. In that case, you're not missing out, she's some experienced 15 year old, and I think we all know what happens from there..

hi watchmaker,

so... it seems after a while girls start to flake on you...
and you punish them, and they flake some more...

this "game" has to stop.

you're not creating a powerful emotional connection with her, she doesn't feel you're falling in love with her as she is and because she feels that she'd rather brake contact with you than be hurt!

build trust with her, let her fantasize about your future together, involve yourself in her activities and let her come into yours, even if different cities... don't just go out for a drink, etc... do more involving and personal activities with her... share your emotional world with her and reach hers.

they will never flake again because they will be in love

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15 you idiot

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