Just a warning--this will be
long because I am posting two full emails and an in depth background--you probably don't have to read the whole thing, just get the gist. However, I hope some people can lend some advice, because this is something that is important to me.
Currently, I'm in a pickle. I met this girl last Feb, and I can honestly say she is amazing. She is funny, smart, creative, and beautiful--horny as hell too, the sex is great. I am am a pretty introverted guy and don't like people in general. Any person I'm around too long just pisses the hell out of me, but for whatever reason, she is cool and just nice to be around all (or at least most) of the time.
Eventually we reached that point in the relationship where we were one of "those" couples--so cute you want to vomit. Blah, blah...
This contined and increased--I even moved out to her state (we met in college) and lived at her parents' house for a month and a half--though it wasn't like I was following her and she knew this, I was offered a legal internship out there and wanted to pursue it.
However, I had commited to teaching in China for a year at the time. Eventually the time came. The thing was, we were practically inseperable. We talked nearly every day, and when I finally left her state it was heartwrenching. She cried constantly and it was even worse when I finally went to China--one of those things when you stay on the phone the whole night until one of you falls asleep.
I know I'm going to catch flak for being a complete sucker, but I was into this girl and she was (I would argue) even more into me. It sounds a little junior highish, but I enjoyed the feeling. Yeah, we told each other we loved each other.
So I go to China. I had wanted to largely break the whole thing off--I figured better to quench the whole thing and maybe there would be something left to build on when I returned.
However, it was not to be--she has been chronically depressed since high school and it seemed like it was getting worse. This was happening even when we were dating. She had always hated school, and when she went back (and I was in China), she ended up having a breakdown and nearly attempted suicide. At my strong suggestion, her parents came and pulled her out of school.
I got SPAM (a video conferencing software) and we started chatting every day again. I wanted to help her get through this alive and, hell, I have tons of time here. This went on for weeks and while I was getting frustrated at the time I was burning, I cared too much about her to stop.
I kept talking to her and eventually convinced her to go see a psychologist. She went, reluctantly, but she actually enjoyed getting therapy (as I suspected she would). After three sessions, the psychologist diagnosed her--bipolar II. After sending her to a psychiatrist who confirmed the diagnosis and got her on medication, she started getting better. She still had a lot of rough patches, but in the end, she stabilized (as well as a person with bipolar can) and for the first time in a long time, it seems like she is happy with herself.
However, as she stabilized and got busier (she has a dog now), our communication started to diminish. At first I was cool with it. After all, I was happy to be done with her mental illness issues and get on with the things I wanted to do. However, she seemed to get more and more out of touch with me.
I'm a bit paranoid and hate to be on the recieving end of disinterest, so alarm bells are ringing, especially since our modus operandi has been to talk every single day. After a few weeks of this, with intervals of days going between us talking and me being the one to initiate contact much of the time, I get tired of it and send this email about a month and a half ago:
Quote:
*name*,
So, I'm really missing you today because you are one of my closest friends and I feel lonely tonight. I don't know why, usually I love being alone, but tonight I'm just sad.
I feel so far away from you *name*,. We haven't talked in days except for a few sort facebook messages. I haven't seen your face except in pictures for, what--two or three weeks? I know you told me that it is just your nature to not keep in touch very well, but I hate that. It's not that I think you're cheating on me or anything, I just think you're growing apart from me. I miss the days when you would tell me about your days and I would try and give my advice, and we would yammer on in baby talk, and occasionally get into heated arguments--and now it's gone. It's not even that we had to talk every day or every other day, but I liked seeing your face from time to time, and I knew we were actually having good conversation.
I'll be honest--I think you're over me. Or if you aren't already, you're getting there. Back when I was in the US, we would call pretty much every day--if you didn't get a call from me you were grumpy and suspicious. We would drive hours just to spend a day together. Now it's not that I don't want to give you space--in fact, to be honest I was feeling a little smothered always talking all the time, but I didn't want to make it sound like I was getting sick of you (because I wasn't). But we have gone from you always wanting to talk to barely hearing from you for a week. I guess I kind of feel a shift in the wind.
Remember when I was about to leave and we had several very emotional emails (I have them saved). You said you wish we could stay together and keep loving each other forever or until we eventually grew out of love. I felt like I would have rather broken it off when there was still love there rather than have the flame sputter and die.
You have always told me that I was the one guy who you amazingly didn't hate in a few months. I don't want to find out that I just happened to have a slightly longer expiration date. I also don't want to fizzle into one of those points where you are with, say, Cassie--a sort of quasi-friend that you like to hang out with and have fun with, but will never be intimate with or confide in. I have already been close to you and I don't think I could just go back to being some casual friend.
Anyways, I want you to seriously consider this. Maybe it would be better if we just broke it off and maybe our paths will cross in the future and something special will remain. I know you have been busy and I am far away, and long distance relationships suck. I don't know what to do other than talk to you and try and figure this out.
I love you.
*my name*
Forgive the disgustingly mushy tone. That is past. I'm not even sure that email was a wise move, but what's done is done. She responded:
Quote:
*my name*,
Thanks for this email. It just really proves to me how much you understand me and that's my favorite thing about us. When it comes to each other, we just get it.
I'm not falling out of love with you and care no less about you and I have really no interest in dating other people. However, I think just the idea of the long distance relationship is smothering me. I may want to be with you for a long, long, long, long time, but when I don't see you all the time and get to smooch you and cuddle with you, I feel trapped into something that isn't giving me the attention I need. It's narcissistic, I know, but I feel like you understand where I'm coming from. An 'open relationship' kind of thing would be perfect for me, unless you think that it'd be too rough on you.
I'm a little concerned that you feel so distanced from me after only a little while of not having a conversation. I felt the same way as you talking 2-3 times a day, especially over annoying SPAM, when it's just not the same. I was completely cool with the break and thought you were, too. It isn't self-inflicted, either, my computer really doesn't have charger and my parents are Nazis about dloading ANYTHING on their puters. However, if you feel it's too much to try and keep this going without being able to see/talk to each other much, then I'm okay with that. Distance makes the heart grow stronger...and I'm only using that cheesy line because I think it's very true for us.
You have to understand that I'm trying to learn how to take care of myself. I really really needed you for you awhile and I can never put into words what you've done/are doing for me. But now I'm at the point where I'm kind of like a new little child. I'm exploring the world with fresh eyes, learning what it's like to be organized and productive, and slowly but surely trying to distance myself from my reliance on my parents and other people. I'm learning to control my moods (which are still out of whack, but medication settles them enough). I want to be with you because I want to (which I very much do), not because there's a little hint of needing you (which I feel like there may be). I felt like you were constantly helping me (not like you really minded) and that I wasn't bringing much to the table for you--I couldn't listen to you about your (cute) dry theories and books and listen to your day without selfishness getting into the way and without, I felt, bringing you down. I don't want it to be that way. I want to be so competent that I can give back just as much as you give to me, that's how I like my relationships. You may not care, but I do, because I love you so so much that I'd feel so lame taking and not giving.
Ew. Sputtering and dying? *name*, I'm so sorry you feel that's what is happening. I never meant to portray that while taking this little break from talking. I can see what you're saying, though. I'm not falling out of love with you, and I never even want to get close to that. If you came back for Christmas, I think things would be a lot different. But waiting until June or later? It's so hard to love someone whose presence is invisible for so long (I'm sorry, please don't take that as my love for you isn't strong or anything--I feel it's just human nature), and I think you're right, I'd rather cut it off before it fizzles (which I don't think it has yet). I don't want to cut it off completely though, because I've never met anyone who, like I said, gets it. Understands me. Loves me for who I am. Etcetera.
I am busy and long distance relationships do suck. I guess I proved you right despite my optimism. You told me they didn't work and you didn't want one. I'm so sorry I didn't listen. I don't want to be another Jen in your life like you don't want to be another Cassie. I think with a little effort, though, once you get back from Chiney that we can rekindle a lot of what we have. I know that no matter what, whenever you see your first love, things come flooding back that you never thought possible. It's like you never get over it. We have to both not be as shitty as we are at keeping in touch and real and honest with each other, otherwise we're going to end up like everybody else; alone, bitter, and full of regret. No dice, Pookface.
Don't take this as my final answer. I'd like to hear what you have to say about all this. Man, I love you. Your communication skills are awesome...not to mention you're sensitive but tough and smart but open. And you're a hottie patottie. Hurry and spond!
*name*
p.s. Does this mean we can't baby talk?
p.p.s. I'm not going to edit this, so bear with me.
Thus was the whole issue left unresolved. We continued talking, but things continued as usual, if anything she seemed to grow even more distant. It could, again, be my fear of being the one who is on the receiving end of the disinterest, but this is really the impression I got, and all of her talk about still having the same feelings seemed not to make much of a difference. It's hard to get a gauge on feelings when you're not around people, and I admit that she is a very physical person.
I have been on a vacation for about a month now--away from the computer and away from SPAM. We have exchanged a couple of facebook messages, but other than that, nothing. I am over it. Whether or not she still has feelings for me, I don't like the subject to be on my mind. I am ready to break it off.
SO...
With that long background to get a guage of the situation, I want your advice on how to break it off and still keep the best chances of reuniting when I return home (I'm not staying longer and it's not for her sake). I have accepted the reasonably good chance that it is done between us, and if I never see her again, I can handle it. The grieving, if you will, is over. However, given our connection, I'd like to at least stack the deck in my favor when I get back.
I have composed an email that I think I'm going to send to put an end to it all:
Quote:
*brief intro telling her what I've been doing as a lead in*
Over the last week our predicament has been weighing heavily on my mind, and I think it's just gotten to the point where it's time to let go. It makes me sad to, but lets be honest--I'm not in your life any longer and you're not in mine. Both of us were not only used to, but enjoyed being around each other for hours on end--talking, but also noodling and kissing and even just laughing and running around and doing things together. Our relationship on its best days now consists of a video conference at awkward times of the day.
Just as important, both of us are changing, and dramatically. I am finally getting a grip on the direction I want my life to take, and you, for once in along while, are really happy and (assuming you are still doing well) getting better with controlling your bipolarity. You are starting school (you still haven't told me anything about it), and it seems like you're also getting a handle on the life you hope to lead.
Would things have been different if I had come back for Christmas? Maybe, I don't know--but it might have just left the same feelings of frustration, but made it harder to let go.
When we meet again, I have no illusions that you will be a different person and so will I. While I hope that when we meet again the things that attracted us to each other so much the first time are still there and are the sort of things that are really don't change much. Then again, who can say? Maybe I was just there when you really needed someone, and I provided a support that you grew attached to. Or maybe the things that you liked initially in me, you might not place at as high of an importance now.
On the other hand, maybe, and I hope, there really was something substantive there before that we can find again. You always seemed to be the yin to my yang; the wild, empatheic creator to my reserved, analyatic mind (who sucked at poetry). You drew out the best in me and encouraged me to live my life more fully. And I like to think that I did something similar to you.
I'm not putting an end to the matter and I'd like your thoughts, but this is what I've been feeling over these last few weeks.
So spare me the comments at what a little bitch I am and give me some constructive criticism. I like the girl--what can I say?
P.S. I can give further background and/or personality details upon request.
Thanks.
CHAT
