Okay, so believe it or not one of my self-improvement goals is to stop interacting on the internet. I feel about it the way Majikal seems to feel about video games. I find it an addicting thing that can end up being a substitute for real interaction. I also find it pretty weird to interact with people that you haven't even laid eyes on. I think my involvement in various online communities is just down to going with the crowd, which is not something I want to do.

However, I also realise that forums like this can have benefits and do help people. The trouble is that the motivation to be honest when you can portray yourself any way you like is not that strong. I've been aware with most of my posts that if anyone was to ask me "great advice dude, how many times have you got laid this year" and I was to tell them the answer was zero, whatever I said would instantly seem invalid. But we don't ask each other these questions, because (a) it's too easy to lie and (b) if you demanded this kind of real-world information from everyone, this semi-fantasy world that this forum represents would be quickly demolished.

I say zero, and that is the actual truth. I discovered PUA about three years ago through a guy I knew who was obviously pretty good with women, and over that time I've gone from being immediately repulsed by it to being fascinated to accepting that there were insights I needed to apply. I've not done a whole lot of approaches, but I've done enough to push myself out of my comfort zone. For my last birthday, I didn't mention to anyone that it was my birthday. In the evening, I got dressed up as nice as I could and went out alone. I approached 4 two-sets. None of them hooked (the only ones that showed initial interest were not that attractive anyway, hence I didn't care to escalate) and the last couple went pretty badly. (I asked a couple of girls sarcastically if they were on a date (my birthday is on Valentines Day) and they rather awkwardly said they were, what a total twat).

But still the idea was instead of seeking validation on my birthday, to push myself out of my comfort zone, to put myself in the way of negative feelings and experiences on a day when people normally seek their own pleasure and gratification. A small gesture perhaps, but one I felt was significant on the way towards manhood.

I had a recent thread where I interacted at length with a user called AnimePic. GamesSN spoke somewhat on behalf of the board by saying that the thread was embarrassing and that my behaviour was "shameless". So why did I embark on such a futile mission? I think it was because I observed Anime's behaviour, her talking about refusing to give blowjobs and there was some need in me to try and change her. It was only when I read one of her later comments that I realised I was trying to change my mother (she wouldn't blow me either).

Okay, that just got a bit heavy, but seriously. I encounter a woman who by her own admission is selfish and ungiving, who is wilful and sarcastic, and where most guys wouldn't bother, I feel this drive that I must use whatever tools of game I have at my disposal to convince a woman who won't give blowjobs to give blowjobs. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself that I have the power to make a selfish woman unselfish.

It took me a while to realise that my mother was a detrimental effect on my life (I knew it about my Dad a lot more easily as he was a more obvious fuck up). In terms of dynamics in my family, I never once saw my Dad put my Mum in her place, or do anything other than treat her emotions as supreme. Sure, he would escape from them, but never manned up and took charge. So I grew up thinking that a woman's needs and desires always had to be met no matter what. Unsurprisingly this turned me into a pussy, a guy so ingratiating and keen to please woman that I saw them visibly repulsed by it at times (I was cursed with being perceptive enough to know what I was seeing).

I was also brought up very religious, and was a preachy fuck for some time. My father particularly tried to indoctrinate me, and didn't once affirm any expression of my sexuality. All he did was try to discourage me from having any kind of sexual thoughts or participating in any sexual activity. So I essentially had a sexless pussy for a male role model.

The layer of my development I've most recently come to recognise is that I am a deeply introverted person, more introverted than I am human if anything. My manner with people is not always great, and I'm not good at disguising when I don't like something. I'm a musician and a writer and love expressing myself artistically, but hate unnecessary pleasantries, although I've trained myself to indulge in them. I would much rather be talking about something memorable though.

My first experience kissing a girl was when I was 18. A girl approached me at a club and started dancing with me and then tried to kiss me. When I attempted to kiss her back she immediately disappeared. It wasn't so much that I didn't know how to kiss as that my sexual instincts were so repressed that I didn't know how to express myself with my body in that way. I stuck my tongue into her mouth with all the finesse of a blind man groping around in the dark.

My first proper kiss came at 21 (yes, that's right), and was pretty cool actually as it was with a girl who meant a lot to me, and happened on the Millenium Eve at a party I was hosting. In fact I was offered a fuck that night by a rather slutty and unpleasant girl (I don't use slutty as a bad thing generally, but slutty and unpleasant doesn't really work), but didn't go for it. I think I made the better choice to be honest.

I went to uni from 21-25 and didn't lose my virginity in that time. Part of it was the dubious choice to go back to church and try to be "moral". My SPAM's girlfriend's sister came to stay and made her intention to fuck me very clear. She called me out on being "a girl" when I said I wasn't up for going out, and once at the club she was grinding all over me. Pretty cool. I was still pretty conflicted about having sex with her though. I said I didn't want to because of my religious beliefs, and she said that we could meet up the next night and do "whatever I wanted". I still managed to convince myself it wasn't right with the Lord though.

Some other girls interested at uni. Some I didn't fancy. One in particular I definitely did but the introvert thing hit me pretty hard, although I wouldn't have called it that at the time (I was raised to be a pussy, religious and an extrovert!). I learned something about myself when she wanted to meet up with me for maybe the third day in a row, and this time she suggested meeting down the beach, so I would have seen her body in a bikini for the first time. But spending that much time with her was exhausting. I felt like there was something wrong with me, but I just had to get some time alone.

Anyway, long story short, religion helped to fuck that potential relationship up (although I could have done it well enough without help I'm sure), and I think the unaddressed introverted temperament didn't help. Lots of people around me getting married at uni, all very nice, but not for me. I didn't know who the fuck I was and wasn't sure I liked myself that much. I moved back to my hometown and dedicated myself to creativity, dealing with my emotions and doing counselling. During that time I wrote a lot of great music which I still treasure today. But not a lot of socialising, and not a lot of women (well, still none really).

I decided at one point I needed to do something a bit social and joined an archery club. Met a cute enough and naughty enough girl there who offered me a FWB relationship (I declined as I was too sensitive about the fact she didn't want to be my girlfriend, and also still grappling with religious issues, sure you're as bored of this as I am). Still, she was the first girl I got naked with and we did oral and stuff. I got 2-3 hours sleep that night and I woke up feeling like I could do anything! Nice.

Nothing much happened for some time after that, if I'm right I didn't go near a girl for years rather than months (although seriously I was an introvert absorbed in creativity, and my music is the bomb). Moved to a different flat and met a girl there who yet again initiated (story of my life), did a fair bit of fooling around, she told me I was a good kisser which was cool, but fucked it up to some extent with buyer's remorse, whatever.

Finally lost my virginity at the tender age of 31, although I didn't cum. Still haven't cum in anyone's presence but my own. And I'm a bit older than that now. Somewhere around 35-ish. The guy who introduced me to PUA listened to my account of how I ended up shagging this girl and said I was a natural, I just didn't know it yet.

As I said, kind of conflicted about the PUA thing but went out with this guy. Remember one night I was walked up to some girls and the hot one was pretty hostile (I asked her her name and she said "I don't have a name". The best response I've been able to think of since was to say to her friend "well why don't we have a chat and give hard-to-get Harriet over here a chance to think things over", her friend was not that hot but pleased to meet me so could have worked). Anyway, me and our kid pulled a number (which went in my phone) in front of the same girl who knocked me back. Got a bit of a taste for it there, although the girls we were chatting up turned out to be cunts.

Most successful night was when my mate chatted up a Polish girl, when her friend saw her getting pulled she initiated with me (like most girls have to) and we went back to their place (they were SPAM). She had NICE tits which I only saw in silhouette unfortunately. Handjob but no oral, and certainly no sex as she was pretending to care about her boyfriend (lucky guy!). We were all proper fucked though. At one point while she was on top of me I said (no lie) "I think I'm going to be sick" (what a fucking charmer), then spewed some stupid purple shot back up over their bathroom rug. Just to thank them for their hospitality. I was so hungover the next day that I laid in her bed till practically lunchtime, despite being dimly aware that she had a boyfriend who might come round and fuck me up. A guy even came into the flat, but thankfully he was a friend and didn't enter the bedroom.

And that's about as exciting as my life's got so far. Most of my sexual encounters initiated by either girls making their interest clear to me, if not outright initiating, or by hanging on some other more confident guy's coat tails.

As I said, my music's the fucking bomb. I am very introverted and that's a handicap in some ways but it's part and parcel of me being gifted, and to be honest, I don't think I'll have any trouble getting laid once I unleash my music on the world. I think I'll have my pick to be honest. Believe it or not as you like. But all my life I've allowed women to initiate, I haven't taken risks, and frankly I haven't felt like much of a man. I've spent a lot of time reading on here, and I've learned a lot. I think you have to have a certain level of intelligence to get this stuff. Let's face it, you couldn't teach game to Tim Nice-but-Dim. And I think I do understand it very well. I know exactly what I should be doing. It's very clear. It's just that action as opposed to observation is pretty hard for me.

I was at the gym tonight, and as I was putting stuff into a locker, a girl asked if she could get to hers which was below mine. My response was "you've got to be awkward, haven't you?" Nothing amazing about that, but I showed my personality where I'm so accustomed to being scared of strangers, almost not even seeing them as people but scary experiences waiting to happen. So pro-actively showing my personality to strangers who otherwise would not encourage me to seems like a good place to start. For a while I was so in my head that I'd try to think of all these clever things to say, almost to the point of being unrealistic. But I'm finding that just dropping the odd line here and there has some value. It's almost better to get into that habit I think. Just say one little thing that might make a woman remember you after you leave, and then build from there.

I've made it clear from what I've written that my life is not sexually exciting at all. I actually think I'm capable of being a deeply seductive man, dangerously so even, and I'm rather more manipulative than I would like to admit. But as I say, observation is king with me. Taking action is hard. I do it, and it feels good, but I'm an introvert, and a geek in many ways, and being a go-getter kind of guy doesn't come naturally to me.

I just want what any guy wants, to have women phoning up saying "hey I know you're probably really busy, but we wanted to have a blowjob contest and wondered if you'd be the judge". Or maybe I don't want that. Maybe I just want someone who gets me. I read on Eddie Fews' website about the importance of decisiveness and honestly, I just don't have that at the moment. I know I'm capable of it, but interacting with the outside world is such hard goddamn work. Knowing what I want doesn't come easily, and maybe that's why I've always let women initiate.

So I can put out my music and have women approaching me. A lot of people would say "great dude, what's wrong with that?" But I just wouldnt' feel like much of a man if I had to use some prop to get there, no matter how legitimate it is. I hate when I famous people talking about how much pussy they get and how it's all because they're famous, and they're okay with that. I want to be able to walk up to women and get them attracted to me without them knowing anything but what I'm portraying, and I want to know I can do that before I do the music which will just make it easier to do something I know I can do already.

So this is who I actually am. "Cliff Richard" is supposed to be assumed to be ironic, like "AFCtotheMax" but the truth is I probably don't get laid much more than him (Cliff that is). So there we are. I know I've given plenty of advice on this forum, and I don't think all of it has been invalid. I got an email one time telling me a thread I'd predominantly written in was one of the threads of the month (although that thread was an example of me being more manipulative than I would like to be). And yeah I've got good shit to say. But I don't want to be found lying or even tacitly pretending to be more experienced than I am, or I will get nowhere. If I've said good shit at all with my level of experience it's an indication that I've got some talent for it. But no doubt a lot of what I've said has obviously seemed crap to more experienced people, and I'm sorry if I've misled anyone because my ego made me want to advise beyond what I really knew.

So as I said, not that keen on online interaction anyway and want to give it up, but if I've been on this forum for a while, I might as well make it count for something by saying something real. And I know there are people who can give me a brotherly push in the right direction (or punch in the nuts, depending on what's required).

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