| I remember myself lying on my couch, sobbing, completely stoned out of my mind having smoked too much weed. I remember that feeling of utter loneliness, i just could not understand why there was so much sadness inside of me.
That happened a few months ago. I'm going to give you some context; i'm 25, and i have come a long way from what i used to be. To give you an idea of what my year has been, i've been in a relationship, most of my weeks this year since that relationship has ended, i have hooked up with different girls. I would like to say i hooked up with too much girls. I know my way around women most of the time, in the sense that i don't need to think about what i'm going to say anymore.
I go out with my friends, and before i know it i'm making out with a girl, hell i've made out with different girls the same night, i have had same night lays, i have fucked girls, went back to clubs and made out with some others. And some of you might think, "oh my god that's awesome i would love to do that", well not really it's not.
Again, i'm going to give you more context, before going to college, i was an AFC, i had never kissed a girl in my entire life, those creatures were frightening to me, i remember just how scared i was of them, of uncomfortable i was around them. How i adored them, put them in a pedestal, and how out of reach they seemed. I never was popular, neither in my schools or with girls, i remember in middle school, i was elected ugliest boy of my class, talk about fucking someone up, there's nothing as nasty as a kid.
When i first arrived to college, i was still an AFC, i had put up on some weight (i used to be very very skinny), worked out, i was more confident, i missed some opportunities with girls(and thinking about it right now, i think that it was self sabotage).
The important thing about it was that i had the opportunity of starting fresh, in a new school, in a new city, i could reinvent myself. My first semester was horrible, i remember listening to depressing music, thinking of killing myself, the way i thinked about it so many times during high school, if it wasn't because i believe in god i would not be there to write this. My life was a nightmare that would not stop.
During this first semester, i made some friends, started going out with them, and it happened. I kissed my first girl, that was barely a peck and for me it really was something, the start of a new life. I went out almost every night after that, got drunk , experienced hard drugs, smoked my first joints, and learned to socialize. I lived, like you could not imagined, i did the craziest things with those friends, stories that 30 years from now would still be the funniest shit you could hear, and that got me to become popular.
You don't know the feeling you get the first time it happens, you introduce yourself to someone you don't know, and they know your name, who you are, what kind of funny shit you've done, which girl you've been with. When all you've been in your life is this poor little frustrated AFC, fantasizing and jerking off to girls on TV shows, well fuck man, that's a high that even drugs can't give you.
I mean, things were better, i'm kidding they were amazing, going to college is the best investment i will ever make, it truly transformed me, and for the rest of the years i had left in college, i learned, and i had my first fuck, my first girlfriend, and many many firsts.
But that would not do it, so i got black out drunk every night, i did so much drugs, had so much girls, i was self destructive. And so i was there, completely high on my couch sobbing like an idiot.
Because no matter what happens, how much of a hold you have on your interactions with women, it doesn't fill the void you have in the first place. All the pussy in the world could not save you from yourself.
So in my state of despair, i had decided to write exactly what was going on inside my head, i didn't look to draw any conclusion, i just tried to say exactly what i was experiencing in order to save myself.
And that's the interesting part of the story :
There i was, with these sheets of papers, containing all the negatives feelings i had inside of me. I had written all my deepest and darkest fears, the ghosts that had haunted me my whole life.
And i'm going to write them down to you, they were :
- I am afraid i cannot be loved
- I am afraid i cannot live up to the expectations people have set for me
- I am afraid i will be abandonned
- I am afraid i will end up alone
- I am afraid i am not enough
- I am afraid i will disappoint.
And holding that piece of paper helped me more than all the PUA books i had ever read, the tapes, the openings etc. I knew what motivated my behavior, i knew why i slept and made out with so many women, i knew why i wanted to fuck every single one of them, it was because i did not love myself.
I forced myself to become that person, that was always seeking other's approval, i dressed really nice (hell, i used to dress up like a hobo, and now i love fashion), i made too many jokes because i liked seeing people laugh at my jokes, i said the things i said, and i acted the way i acted, because deep down i wanted to be loved, and i was looking for their approval.
You see the funny thing is, from my teenage years to now, i had become more handsmore, i had become hilarious, i mean i'm still amazed at the laughs i get when i want to be funny, i had become all those things.
BUT IT DID NOT MATTER, because i was still the 15 year old, that had been abandonned by his father, that had been abandonned one day by his closest friends in high school (they never talked to me again), i had still that image of those kids telling me i was the ugliest child in the class. I had all those terribly fucked up things that happened to me a long time ago, still to that day, affected my day to day life.
And they were not true, but i did not see it, i could tell you that the bottom of my nose and my eyebrows are not 100% symetrical, i could tell you i was losing my hair a bit, i could tell you so many things that were wrong about me, i think i could have litteraly talked about it for an hour, and it would not have been enough. I was so critical of myself and the way i looked. I judged myself in a disproportionate manner, i just truly believed i wasn't enough and i lived in the denial that all the girls i got, i got them because of luck, alcohol, and lucky words.
The moment i had all my fears written down, i realized (thinking about those last years) that i had been loved by many women, i had been cared about, that who i was (or i had become i can't say) was good enough that i would never have to be afraid of being alone. Because i had so much people that cared about me in their own specific way. And if i ever ended up alone, i knew it would be okay, because i had spent so much time on my own, all those years. And i realized that i didn't hate myself, as much as i hated the way i though people perceived me, i actually enjoy being on my own, and do things by myself.
And from this day on, i learned to love myself, and i don't do as many as jokes as i used to, because they are not a wall i hide myself behind anymore, i don't try to seduce every women i meet, because the way they look at me, doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
I had killed the voice in my head, my body language got much better after that, because i decided to live, not to impress.
And you see, you might dress better, read more books, learn music instruments, and the proper way to talk to women, what they want in a men, but if you do it because you're seeking approval, you will never be happy.
Right now, i'm thinking about working out again, because i want to be in shape, i want to feel strong, i don't want do to it, because it makes my face look better, and because girls will find me more attractive after that.
I don't care what people think of me, and it just made it all that easier, when i look at a girl in the eyes, i can tell her that i believe she's the most beautiful girl in the room, because i really do believe it, i'm not looking for her approval, i say it because i mean it, not because i want her to validate me. I'm not running around in a club completely high on drugs and drunk out of my mind, saying all the things girl want to hear because i'm hoping i will get them, and i will make up tomorrow loving myself because of it.
The key to happiness, is letting go of what others think of you, just learn to appreciate who you are, and live the life you truly want to live.
Had i written this a year ago, i would have probably done it to show off a bit, because hey i can get pussy now. But really, that realization changed me, and i have nothing to gain from writing this, aside maybe from helping one of you guys out there. And if i do, than fuck it i'm glad i took an hour to write this.
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