| J the Ripper’s “Lets Jack Off Together! Plan Milf From Outer Space!
I was in 7th Grade and had never jacked off…
Adam: J, after school today we’re all gonna watch porno’s and go jack off at Jason’s house, wanna come?
I wasn’t really sure what “jacking off” meant, but it sure sounded pretty cool. I was new at this school, and had just met this group of dudes who gave a new meaning to “extra curricular activities”.
Ok, so I knew jacking off was something taboo and dirty, but I wasn’t sure on all the specifics. I never would have guessed it was what it is. I was raised in a somewhat religious family, and only had women in the household. No male figures to explain the ways of the world, only phrases uttered on the playground, leaving it to my imagination. I hadn’t watched any porn either, so I was pretty behind the times. These guys seemed to be “old hands” at this sorta stuff.
But I wanted to be down with these dudes since they were the only friends I had, and “jacking off” though still a mystery (having 100% absolutely no idea what it was), sounded like good times. I guess if questioned at the time on what it was, I’d guess “jacking off” was like some sort of cool game that your parents didn’t want you to play, but I wasn’t sure…like making 2 litter bottle rock slingin’ ballon poppers, clothes pin switch blades out of popcicle sticks, or just plain burning shit or stealing. I was pretty naïve even by Christian standards, and I was in for a shock.
As I went to go meet the fellas by the bike racks after school, I ran into Naomi, a girl who I had a crush on from my history class.
Naomi: Hi J! Whats up?
J the Virgin: Nothing much, just gonna go with the guys to Jason’s house, and, well, you know…
Naomi: What are you guys gonna do?
J the Virgin: (with glee) We’re gonna go jack off!
Naomi: (looking at me as if I had just removed my flesh mask like the Doomsday Cult from Beneath the Planet of the Apes) EWWWWW!! You’re NASTY!
She ran off and whispered to some other girls by the bus stop, and they started pointing at me.
Ha! I was feeling pretty proud. Jacking off must be something really bad! And I was gonna do it. YES! I was ultra curious by this point on what it actually was, and I didn’t want to appear uncool by asking the guys.
They arrived at the bike racks, and we start to walk down to Jason’s house (which incidently isn’t too far off from where Capt. Hook lives today).
As we walked, they would talk about who they had “jacked off” to. This was putting a slightly different spin on whatever I thought it was at the time.
Michael: The other night I jacked off thinking about Nicole Eggert from Charles in Charge!
They all bellowed out in joy, slapped their little bellies and admitted they had done the same in the past. They all took turns spouting out their jerk off targets.
Jason: I jacked off to Ashley and Hilary together and then the mom joins in from Fresh Prince!
Everyone laughed and patted each other on the back. “That was a good one” they all exclaimed.
Then it was my turn to fess up.
Jason: J, who did you jack off to last?
I had to think quick. By now now I had at least deduced that “jacking off” was something you did in relation to a pretty girl from TV. Hmmm…I was blank. So I spewed out the first name that came to my mind…
J The Virgin: Judith Light!
I could tell by their blank stares they had no idea who she was…
J the Virgin: You know, the mom from Who’s the Boss?
The Guys in Unision: Ohhh!!!!! (laughter)
They patted me on the back for coming up with such a good one, and I just nodded as if I had a clue.
I was starting to get a little nervous. Jeezus, I wish I knew what the fuck “jacking off” meant.
We get to Jason’s house finally, and Brian darts to the bathroom and comes back with a new box of Kleenex and rips it open, placing it on the living room table facing the television.
Jason went into his grandfathers bedroom (there were no adults in the house) and came back with a VHS tape. All the guys were excited and rubbing their palms together like a bunch of greedy misers or an evil cartoon villain.
They all jumped on the couch (apparently they all had their own spots), as Jason popped in the tape.
My curiousity was on fire…what was the Kleenex box for?
Was someone gonna cry?
I saw the joy on their faces, like the way I must’ve looked on Christmas morning, or when my mother would surprise me by treating me to Red Lobster (known as the Seafood Broiler back then). As the opening credits rolled, they all high fived each other ,cackled and howled.
Jason: Come have a seat J, you can sit next to me!
He patted the spot where he wanted me to sit.
*Pat Pat*
I sat.
They all started to pull down their pants around their ankles, followed by their underwear (Brian needed some help since he was a portly fellow; luckily Adam was right next to him to help pull his jeans below his calves.
After their pants and undies were in a pile at their feet, they all rolled down their dirty white socks down to their ankles forming little tubes, giggling and smiling at each other.
Brian: Whats wrong J? Why you’re pants still on?
Jason: Yea J, need some help? Why your pants still on?
Adam: J, are you ok?
I was in complete shock and they hadn’t even started up yet.
Ron Jeremy appears on the screen dressed as a “milkman” making a delivery…
I had absolutely no idea what I was in for…
************************************************************
Had a great time at Vanguard last Saturday (Valentines Day). Too many CC guys to remember, but per usual no one stepped on one anothers turf.
The pick up scene in Southern California is something else…there’s about 800 of us now, with 4 chapter affiliates of The Casanova Crew spread throughout the southland, and most of us know each other well. We have the more experienced guys mentor the newer guys each week, and we are constantly helping each other out to maximize our results.
SteamRoller (a BradP alum and team co-leader of CCIE) and well as Black Knight (one of the founding members of CC) were doing free infield demo’s/coaching, and were tearing it up per usual. Zar was also there to liven things up, along with dudes like StarKiller, Action, CmrKeen, Keflex, Siren, Bbad, Faze, Xaifer, JiantJ, Decibel and a slew of others.
I met a sexy asian MILF on the dancefloor and must’ve said some silliness. The rave/trance scene down here is pretty diverse…and for some reason asisan cougars converge here along with the youngens.
As I was upstairs in the smoking patio, I was walking around with Decibel trying to have fun and run a set together. But suddenly I see my cougar from the dancefloor, and immediately go in. She is sitting all alone on the wooden bench by the buddah statue. As I approach, she waves me off and tells me “No, No” in a heavy Vietmanese accent.
I remember thinking how can someone so hot have such a fuckin annoying cackling voice? It was like I was having a conversation with a crow.
For some reason I totally ignored her blow off, and sat right next to her as if I didn’t understand. I kept smiling and let my feet dangle back and forth under the bench like if I were a little kid.
JTR: There you are. I was just gonna have a smoke and thought I’d come say hello for a sec. You are friendly arent you?
She stares at me blankly. I pull out my Newports and light one up.
Pho-Cougar: Oh you have cigarette? Can I?
She was all out of smokes.
I decided not to make her jump through any hoops.
JTR: Yea, but theyre menthols….Newports. Can you handle it?
Pho-Cougar: I smoke Capri, but I try yours…
I light her up, and she is very reserved and standoffish, but since I gave her the smoke I think she feels a little obligated to at least let me sit next to her.
JTR: Yea it’s a great night, I love the music down there. It just makes me feel alive (I have no idea what music is playing other than its trance…I couldn’t tell it from the beeps my PC makes when Windows is booting up).
Pho-Cougar: Oh, its beautiful music, I love.
Its freezing outside and her smoke goes out. I light her up again, and put my arm around her shoulders to keep us both warm. I feel her try to squirm away, but Ive been lifting weights and yesterday was triceps.
We start chatting about the club scene, and how stupid the weather has been lately. I mention I washed my car, and not 2 hours later its starts to pour again. At least the inside is clean. I sniff her hair.
At least now she’s used to the idea of me sitting there and Im keeping her entertained. She has very pretty face; though she’s Viet she has this Hispanic look to her alos which makes her all the more intruiging.
But that voice. Oh brother.
I imagine myself giving her lessons on how to suck my dick in some broken down industrial warehouse in Detroit on top of a filthy table saw. It’s dark and cold, and the metal shutters covering the windows are shaking violently; like an innocent man falsely imprisoned in a Turkish holding cell, grasping at the bars begging to be let out. I would then masterbate her with the longest Flamin Hot Cheeto I could find in the bag, then place it between our lips as we nibble on it on opposite ends like Lady and the Tramp.
JTR: You know what your hair smells like?
Pho-Cougar: Wha?
JTR: Like a mix between noodles and coconut shampoo. (and I was only half kidding…is that noodle shit smell part of their genetic makeup? Jeezus…)
She playfully slaps my chest and laughs, nearly coughing on her smoke.
I bring her in closer and start my shit…
JTR: You know what I’d like to do to you…and I’m sorry but I really don’t want to offend you.
She looks at me with a guilty curiosity, and she scoots closer to hear me say the words in her ear. Her eyes werenlt typically slanty; when we made eye contact I actually enjoyed it…She mustve been quite the knockout 15 years ago. But beauty like this doesn’t go away as easily through the years. This MILF still had a few miles left in the tank.
JTR: Im sorry, but I just wanna fuck the shit out of you…I’d eat your little pussy, and just fuck you. I know that’s bad of me to say but at least Im being honest right?
She nods her head like Schlitze from Tod Brownings Freaks when Frodo tells her how lovely her dress is. But she doesn’t get offended or make an excuse to walk off. This is all I need to proceeed….
I tilt up her chin and kiss her mouth. We start to makeout, and I hold her in my arms and caress the back of her neck. I start to kiss her neck area, and she puts her hand on my chest and sniffs my neck.
What a difference 4 minutes makes! It was such a sweet, soft and gentle meeting of the lips, as our tongues caressed each other. I could feel all the blood rushing through my body and towards my cock, which was now throbbing and pressing up tightly against my jeans. I could feel my heart beat on it.
Ba Bom, ba boo…
Pho-Cougar: You smell good.
JTR: Thanks. My grandma bought me this cologne for my birthday.
We kiss some more, her lips are soft and eager, yet with such a cute restraint I feel I could bust at any moment. My balls shrivel up and becomes elbow skin, as a slight breeze passes through the smoking patio giving me a chill…it’s a beautiful night and you can smell the after-rain effect all around us. I lay a secret fart as I lean over to one side and hope the breeze makes it go in the opposite direction.
JTR: I wanna finger your pussy like this…
I put 3 fingers on her shoulder, and spread my ring and index finger out while my middle finger makes swishy circles, simulating what masterbating her would be like.
JTR: Imagine if this was your cute little pussy, I’d go like this….(continuing to circle)
She cant take it and gets up.
Pho-Cougar: I have to go find my friends.
She starts to look around, and I stand up with her and bring her in.
JTR: Give me your number, maybe we’ll hang out later tonite.
Pho-Cougar: I cannot tonight, Im with my sister.
I number close her anyway, and give her another goodbye makeout.
That whole interaction was less than 6 minutes.
Sunday around noon, I had taken my mom and sister to breakfast. Afterwards we were going to go visit my grandmother and take her flowers as we do most Sundays.
While my mom and sis went to the flower shop, I stayed in the car and called Pho-Cougar.
She was a bit stand offish, and didn’t seem eager to talk. I hear birds chirping in her backround so naturally I ask…
JTR: Do you have a monkey over there? I hear some chirping.
Pho-Cougar: Ya, lol! It’s my birds. I love my birds.
I feel its like 20% on, but I figure its all experience and I then proceed to ask if she wants to get together sometime. She says ok, but it sounds like an artificial confirmation. This aint gonna happen. After the racy shit I talked the night before, she mustve thought I was some sleazebag.
The next day I text her, telling her that I need help picking out a new shirt, and that there was some things I had promised I was gonna do to her (ie, finger her, fuck her brains out, eat her pussy, etc so on and so forth.).
Pho-Cougar Text: You seem like nice guy, but maybe we can just be friends? Everyone has their type.
Ouch.
That one stung. Everyone has their own type? Only friends? I took that one to heart.
JTR Text: That’s fine, but I don’t give up easily. I want to do the things I said I would do to you. You only live once. Lets hang out on Tuesday. We’ll go watch a movie and have a drink (no mention of the shirt I brought up earlier).
No response.
I know it’s stupid, but my self esteem was temporarily shot. Who did she think she was? She should be lucky Im even entertaining the thought of seeing her. She’s milfy-wilfy and pushing 40, and she’s gonna reject me?
Then common sense filled my flailing corpse, and I chalked it up to “Cant win them all.”
Then she texts back.
Pho-Cougar Text: This is all so new to me. It like a rebirth! OK! What time?!
Whoaa. Interesting.
JTR Text: 7:30pm Whats your address. Wear something cute!
She lives out in Westminster which is a bit out of my area, but fuck it. Like I had told her earlier, you only live once.
I realized this was one of the first times I hadn’t felt nervous before a day2. Usually I get those little butterflies, but there was none of that here. I get there right on time, and she’s even hotter than I remember. She slinks into my car and we’re off to the Bell Terra mall.
I talk most of the time going there, and I cant help but smile. She’s so Milfy and delicious all at the same time. We’re there minutes later and head into a sushi bar. I order a Saki and she gets a Sprite. She tells me she doesn’t drink which is unfortunate; but if she’s telling the truth then it means she wasn’t drinking at Vanguard either.
This is were things get weird.
I tell her about my writing, and how I want to be a screenplay author someday. I tell her about my music days, and how much I love random obscure bizarre stories.
Out of nowhere, she tell me she is a spiritual being, and starts to talk to me about reincarnation, the universe and how we all fit into it, and her perceptions of reality and existence. She talks about the planets, and how we were all from a single atomic particle sometime before the big bang. I feel as if she’s trying to pick MY brain.
No prob, I can talk about any subject at length even if I don’t know shit about it, but this subject I happen to enjoy. So I bring up 2012, the one world government, the Illuminati, The Rothschild/JP Morgan connection, the rise of Citibank and how we will all be corporate slaves sooner than we think, as well as the economy taking a shit as all being part of a grand scheme.
I had no idea I had a conspiracy/intellectual on my hands, and I was very impressed. She wasn’t some dummy milf with bad engrish…she knew about a lot of cool shit.
So we blab about that for a bit, and then head over to watch the worst movie I can remember with Renne Zellwigger (I think it was called Coming Home or some shit). Thorughout the movie, I stroke her legs and feet. Im getting very turned on.
After I drive her home, and we talk about her 3 kids, ex husband and her sister. I cut all that shit out and bring up how we met, and that I want to see her again. I park in front of her house, but she cuts me off and wishes me a good night and starts to get nervous.
I bring her in and start to makeout with her. Man, this was good.
She breaks off and tells me she has to go and tells me how to get back on the freeway. Im not gonna plow this one. My calibration tells me she just needs more time, and tonite is not the night. She is down to makeout and go out with me, so obviously she likes me. Im satisfied for now.
I wait a day before contacting her (today). I get really sexual and tell her once again the stuff I wanna do to her. She tells me Americans move so fast, and that she likes to take it slow and be friends first.
I agree with her, but still let her know my intentions. We just set up a day2 for this coming Sunday in Newport Beach for lunch. Looks like mystery’s 7 hours till heaven will play into effect here.
*****************************************************
Cue the flashback music…back to the 7th grade, as my friends are about to jackoff right in front of me…
They started to wrangle their cocks, and my reality shattered all around me….what the fuck was going on!!???
So this is what jacking off was? I felt the little hairs raise up and down my spine and I was disgusted. They all started going to town even though the actual sex scene hadn’t started yet. Up and down, to and fro, pauses and speed ups…It was as nightmarish as can be. All the years of Chirstian upbringing came to a head and I felt the shame of even being in the same room with this clucks.
J: Guys I cant stay afterall, I really gotta go.
I darted out of there before they could start calling me a pussy. I literally felt like I was going to throw up. Watching Michael peel his dick off his own balls due to the sweaty hot day was fucking revolting.
Luckily I didn’t have classes with any of them; I had met them at the stairs by the library at school talking about wrestling. Since then I have NEVER heard of a “jacking off” crew before, and something tells me they were an isolated incident. But that day I’ll never forget. The image of Ron Jeremy ringing the doorbell as these dudes going buck wild scarred me in wayz I know Im not even aware, lol.
A few weeks later while watching Who’s the Boss, I was alone at home and bored. I never saw Judith Light the same way again. Took me awhile to learn that rolling my socks down to my ankles forming a tube was not mandatory.
FIN
-J the Ripper
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