| Was chilling with a mate the other night in my gaff. Just messing around online. Was about to hit my bed.
I get a call from a chick i used to bang about 6 years ago. It wasn't too much of a surprise as we had been texting now & again since i moved to Belfast (she lives here) & she invites me over for a drink with her & a few of her friends, wants to pay my taxi & everything so im like yeah ok, why the fuck not.
Taxi arrives to take me across town, my mate jumps out on the way at the closest point to his place. I dont know where she lives, but we are definitely in her area, she said her & a friend were standing outside to spot us & wave us down.
When i spotted her i was like no fucking way, is this shit for real.....she was like a whale!!
Her pics on facebook were obviously long long out of date, cos she has pics up of when she was slim, like she was when i used to bang her. She has went from a size 8 to about i dunno a fucking 18 or something!!
There was a pretty little short slim girl waiting with her though, who is her cousin, & i thought "yeah i will defo try a bit of that" & we all headed up to the apartment.
We get in & there are introductions - this girl is my cousin, who used to go with this guy, who used to be in the army, who is the brother of this girl, who has babies to this guy blah blah blah & then she takes me on a tour of her place, which turned out to be a ploy to trap me in her bedroom (not literally, but she obviously wanted sex, which she was never gunna get)
I talked shit to her about all sorts of shit, i was just pacing around the place, anything at all that avoided her touching me or anything. I kept flirting with the little short cute girl, which fatty was trying to cockblock by stating stuff like this loudly "dan, she is just a wee cocktease & you wont get the ride off her" i just laughed it off with shit like "what makes you think that" & winking at the cutie, which she liked.
Fatty is being a cockblocking bitch, cos she invited me over to get cock, & im not giving her it. So i hatch a quick plan in my head, i drop my mates name in to convo, & fatty asks about him, i tell her he was in the taxi with me but got out, & she's like "you should have brought him too, give me his number" (my plan worked) & she calls him, invites him over, pays his taxi....this bitch is desperate.
My mate came in & got the introductions, he gave me a knowing look about me trying to get into the cutie, & disappeared with fatty, huge obstacle removed.
So, cutting out the next few hours, me & cutie are kissing on the sofa, its a little weird that her brother is snoring on the other chair, but we keep at each other, getting pretty hot & heavy. But eventually i take her hand & lead her to the next room. She is so short & i get on my knees & kissing her boobs & belly, but soon she freaks out a bit about her brother next door. When i realise im not getting anywhere i say ok see ya later babe, & go in to say goodbye to my mate, who gives me a look that would kill cos he "took one for the team" i laughed my balls off when he said this, he was just disgusted with himself about banging a fat bird lol
I was walking down the street & discovered i had lost my key. Went back to look for it & couldn't find it, so i stayed at the party.
Long story short, we slept a while, woke up, decided to party on, ordered alcohol, & had some more drinks. Then later that night fatty & cutie fall out with each other & fight, so its all dramatic & shit, but we leave & go to my mates. We are chatting shit & having a beer, my mate is sitting beside cutie flirting with her like crazy (since i gave him the game to read he thinks he is automatically a stud even though he is on about page 50) but she gets up & comes over beside me as she is completely comfortable with me, her words.
Me & her go get another bottle, & when we get back we all have another drink, there is another guy there too, & somehow my mate is sitting beside her again & flirting (he doesn't yet understand that you dont try to steal your wings girl) but i just look at her & say "c'mere you" & she gets up & comes over. I just say fuck it you look tired, wanna go to bed? She says yes so i take her by the hand & lead her into the room, she jumps into bed & im about to follow but tell her to be warned that im going commando, she says yippie i like it, so it was on.
There are a lot more details i could go into but this report is already long enough. Things like her ex army ex boyfriend being there, her brother being there, fatty being a cockblocking fat bitch. Basically it wasn't easy, & neither was she, but she was a good fuck so she turned out to be worth it in the end.
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