Things did not look good in New York Friday afternoon.

I trudged along sidewalks littered with bumps of salt that were like brail spelling ‘DOOM’ and ‘STAY HOME AND JERK OFF’. All day the sky had been a metallic grey that poured disaster in the form of snow, hail, and freezing rain. By the time I ventured to Zack Bauer, a barrage of freezing rain pelted my face and made short work of my crappy umbrella.

Finally arriving after an hour-long odyssey of freezing dampness, I wrung my socks out as Zack and I waited for Pythag to arrive in the whip.

Despite the dreadful weather, Zack and I were like two giddy girls. In the hour we waited for Pythag, we probably exchanged no less than 357 high fives. In fact, I don’t think we even spoke – just high fived.

When Pythag pulled up in the whip, the dread set in that we’d never make it to Vegas. The roads were an abomination that elicited feelings akin to chubby cockblocks who pull away super hot girls with spiked buying temperature.

As far as we knew, our flight was still on schedule but everything else was up in the air. Would we make it to the airport? Would we be able to park? If we got to Vegas, would we arrive at a reasonable hour?

As we pondered these questions, Pythag almost ran over a Mexican riding a bike.

As the car skidded along the Van Wyck expressway, Zack pulled out the newest addition to our crew: the flip mono. We shot what can only be described as typical “pre-road trip dude” videos, which consisted of us shouting into the camera while making various hand gestures that signified PEACE, FUCK, and 80s HAIR METAL. Fittingly, those are the three elements of ANY great trip. As we professed to the camera the shit we intended to stir up in Vegas, we got lost several times…

After a fiasco trying to park the car, taking the monorail, using our gentlemanly wiles to procure food, we got to our gate just in time. Or so it seemed. We dashed to the gate only to learn our flight was delayed.

FUCK.

We finally got off the ground a full 2 hours late, which landed us in Vegas at around 1am. We immediately jumped into a cab with a driver named Simon who tried to take us to a brothel. Thanks Simon. He also made the mistake of telling us “It’s almost impossible to get arrested in Vegas” which lit Zack’s face up like a Christmas tree that catches fire and burns the house down while a sleeping family perishes in their beds.

We get to Moon and meet Chris in the lobby. Immediately it’s obvious why this guy is known as “the biggest pimp in North America”. Guy radiates presence and awesomeness.

So Chris demonstrates how he runs shit in Vegas, sweet talking the bouncer to let us in for free, sweet talking random babes to get the party started.

We get up to the club and it’s like the player all-star game. Bear hugs and “OMG”s run rampant: I meet Wiredrawn, Stefan, Pedro, Murphster, and a bunch of other dudes. I run after some hotty and get blown out immediately. Ha wow, nice entrance for Rob Judge!

At this point it’s approaching 2am and not much to chose from, but I can tell me and the NY guys want to make something happen BAD. We’re pushing HARD but the world is pushing back harder. Nothing materializes at Moon so we head to Rhino. At this point, I’m cranky as shit, just wanting to go to bed…

Back at the hotel it’s sleepy time then it’s back in the trenches. As we were sleeping, I could feel everyone’s drive mounting…

We start the night at the Hardcock Asshole Castle where I won 10 bucks on the penny slots PLUS 2 free drinks. Holla at a playa! Then it’s off to the Wynn for the win.

So much of Vegas is a balance between awesomeness and despair, championship and failure. We wait and wait and wait then Chris makes some power moves and gets us into the club. Mad props again to Chris…dude is like fucking Gandalf the way he just makes magic happen.

Once inside Tryst, I felt my pulse race, my eyes dilate, my awesomeness ignite. Hotties swarming everywhere, a waterfall raining from the heavens, strobe lights and drinks and bottles and ice and the color blue. That’s all I remember, just splashes of moments wrapped in a giddy feeling at the pit of my stomach. Over the course of my pickup development I went through 3 stages: 1.) approach anxiety, 2.) approach indifference, 3.) approach excitement.

With so much potential, my approach excitement was causing me to shake.

Pythag and I splinter off and start on our missions. Quick side note: I’ve found missions INVALUABLE to getting the night off to a solid start.

We go back to the bar, and I feel good. Since Chris was such an awesome host, I want to buy him a drink which turns into a drink for all the dudes we were out with. As I’m waiting for our player round of Vodka Redbulls, an Asian girl who’s right on the cuff of doable grabs me and says, “You’re so hot!” BOOM. Makeout! AWESOME MODE INTIATED.

Anyway, I throw the Asian girl back and chill by the waterfall. Suddenly, I see HER. The celebrated Vegas hotty I came here for. No words, I just pointed at her and motioned for her to come over. Literally, no thinking went into this opener. Brain went: hot girl > boner > get hot girl over here NOW. Girl comes running up to me and starts saying I look familiar, am I famous?

“Yeah, I’m the famous Rob.” Handshake and twirl into a makeout, but she turns her face at the last second. It’s ON.

I lavish this girl for a solid hour by the waterfall. To any bystander, this girl would’ve looked like my girlfriend. We were locked in a full body embrace, talking into each other’s eyes. LOVERS IN THE NIGHT.

Might’ve worked against me in the long run, but I didn’t care. This chick was a SOLID 8.5 in my book and those are rare in any city.

Zack finds us and pulls me aside, telling me “Bro! This is why we came to Vegas! This is the SMOKESHOWS WE’RE HERE FOR! You gotta take this one down.” I mention that she keeps bringing up a friend. Zack: “I don’t care if she’s a fat warpig, I’ll take it down for you. YOU HAVE TO FUCK THIS CHICK!” Can you ask for a better wingman?

“Okay,” I tell hotty. “Let’s find your friend.”

She starts leading me by the hand, but Zack grabs me and whispers, “You gotta lead her!” TOTAL MONEY IN FIELD ADVICE. I switch positions, take her by the hand, and start leading her through the club.

The next minute has become by far my favorite memory since getting into the pickup community. So, while me and my girl were falling in love, my girl kept bringing up the “player” card, to which I was responding: “Player?! Are you kidding??! I’m like the sweetest guy EVER!! I write love sonnets for all my girlfriends and chisel them ice sculptures!!” While this disarmed her momentarily, as we walked through the club, there was no more denying my player roots…

For one, it seemed we passed every girl I’d opened or made out with over the course of the evening, and every one grabbed me or tried to stop me. Also, random girls were just coming up to me and petting my jacket. AWESOME.

But the best part was when I started passing the guys we’d come with. Aside from Chris and Ryan (who had already pulled their girls) EVERY guy we came there with was making out with some random girl. This was TRUE CHAMPION SHIT.

She hahaha’s at first but then we pass Wiredrawn and Pythag, both posting up with chicks and tongue downs. “Hi guys! Yup those are my friends, too…”

Even hotty had to laugh at the absurdity at this point. It was like we were filming an “And 1 Mix Tape” of pickup that would be titled like a sleazy Fox t.v. show: “When PIMPS Attack: The 2-hour special”. Like I said, I’ve never been out with so many SUPER TIGHT DUDES. It was incredible to see everyone exploding in the club at once. HEROES!

Get back to friend and she’s…A TOTAL HOTTY! Damn! Chick was another blonde Vegas stunner with the stems to match. GAWD DAWNNNN…Zack, this is for you!!!! Zack and I don’t want to seem like over-eager retards so we chill by the bar and Zack points out a girl he was making out with before who now was under the eagle-eye watch of her boyfriend.. WHEN PIMPS ATTACK! Okay, we decide it’s time to bring it to these babes. Walk over to them and… PHYSICAL. GIRLFRIENDS. GOING ON DATES. SPLIT. ISOLATE. So textbook. So standard. So Rob and Zack.

Anyway, hil-arious moment: Some little weasel scampers up to us and tries to pull the girls away. Seriously this dude was like 5 foot 2 but I remember him being like 2 foot 6. Like all I can see in my memory is his little stubby arms reaching up and crab-handing the girls and trying to steal them away from us like a balding Grinch.

Total wtf moment which I expressed by inquiring “WTF?!” Guy sneers at me: “I’m their BOSS! They work here as cocktail waitresses!” He sounded so sinister and brutal. But Zack saved the day. He drops his huge man hand on the little dweeb and says, “Hey! This is my little brother!” I literally fall over laughing for a myriad of reasons: 1.) Zack is 23 and this guy was probably in his late 40s, 2.) the guy starts stuttering and protesting, “I-I am not!” as if this were a serious accusation, 3.) Zack is like 6”3 and jacked while this guy was a pudgy midget, 4.) the whole scene looked EXACTLY like a movie poster from the 80s movie TWINS.

I grab my girl and bring her back to the couches. Make out! w00t! YEAH! All of sudden…FLASH. I look up and…FLASH. I see Pedro jumping around like a hobbit, taking pictures of me and my girl like the paparazzi...

Anyway, Zack and I end up pulling these girls out of the club, get them in a cab, but Zack’s girl was horrible. Me and my girl had discussed going to a strip club then heading back to my hotel after…but Zack’s girl kept sidetracking us, first forgetting her ID when we got to the strip club then being flat out lame about just heading straight to the hotel.

We ended up in some Nevada townie bar in the middle of no where with mulleted dudes with no teeth (but beers were 2 dollars…HOLLER!!!).

And honestly, I didn’t even really care at that point. It was still on with my hotty: her sitting on my lap, AWESOME! But Zack’s girl would come over and start asking questions like, “What religion is Zack?” My response: “We celebrate Kwanza together.” Her response: SO MADD!!!! Fuck her, honestly I feel bad having made Zack even talk to this girl. Totally lame and horrible. Whatevs. Lesson learned.

Well, Zack does an AMAZING job getting his girl off my back by putting her in a cab, but for some reason the bartender kicked me and my girl out too…like yelling at us to leave. At this point, my girl is totally wasted (too many 2 dollar beers lol).

I get her back to the Wynn where her car was parked, but she was falling down and shit. FUCK! I make her watch me gamble (penny slots, what what) then I take her to breakfast. Since she works at the hotel, we get a discount of sorts (nice).

Then she insists on driving me back to the hotel (even though she was totally bombed and I thought she was going to crash numerous times). Have her park at the hotel, but it’s 10am at this point and neither of us really feel like hooking up anymore. We fool around in her car for a bit, then she kicks me out. She keeps telling me I can be her boyfriend, but I keep reminding her I LIVE ON THE EAST COAST.

I guess that’s Vegas girls for ya.

Go back to the hotel room and find the it empty. I look out the window and just laugh. This was one of the nights where you don’t get the girl, but so much funny stuff happens the adventure is almost as cool as the hookup. I think about little boss man and the towie Nevada bar and the idiot Zack had to wing and the pickup And 1 highlight reel and I laugh myself to sleep…

*Hope you enjoyed that!*

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