Quick Notes before we begin:
- That Demonic Confidence program taught me so, so much. . .And after 21days in a row, sarging has become my drug of choice. The ups and the downs, the excitement upon stepping foot in the venue, the sexual tension of interaction, giving value, and refilling my social "pool" with new women. . . I love it ALL! I am going to keep this 'thon going until I run out of steam...Let's see how far I can take this.
- Honestly, I've been slacking on writing FR's. But I don't want to forum bomb with 4-5 in one night, so I'll give a quick recap of days 22 + 23, a full report on 24, and I still have to update my DC Journal for days 17 - 21. Oh and after this come reports for days 25, 26, and 27. blah...God am I lazy or what? haha.
Day 22: 3.17.09 - St Patty's Day. Spent it at DTF. The lines were massive, and very few bars had no cover charge tonight. Tonight was INSANE. Girls were either completely sober and bummed out about the long lines, or they were SUPER fucked up and not able to make a coherent sentence...let alone stand up straight. I had a half an hour long set outside Branagans, while the rest of the night seemed a slaughterfest of blowouts. Yuck!
Day23: 3.18.09 - Basically just daygame today... I field tested a new opener and story I'm working on, and that's about it. Flirted + bantered with the chick working at Starbucks, turning her from meanfacedHB into SuperfunBarista. I'm here often, so I'm going to take it slow with this chica. She's a hottie Asian chick, who's taller than me by *I think* about 4 inches. haha
Now that those updates are out of the way...I can get on to what we're here for. I'll try to keep it on the shorter side because tonight is hard for me to relive:
**Please be advised that the following report is heavy. This report is for me, to chronicle an important night for my development. It may not be a good experience, but It is my experience with something I'm not sure I've ever dealt with head on before. I wasn't sure that I should even post this report. . .but now that I have finished writing it, I know I needed this for sure. Worry not, Day25 will be up tomorrow afternoon. I'm looking forward to writing that one! Those with a strong stomach for chode. . . read on**
FR: Day 24 - House of Cards. (3.19.09)
The CCOC meeting, with Ripper stopping by to go over the origins of the crew and detail his makeout theory, was fantastic. I knew something big was going to happen tonight. . . I guess I just wasn't quite prepared for what was about to go down.
CCOC Present at DTF:
-Me
-Jack
My buddy "Manko" and I stop at Starbucks to see if we can break into a couple sets before walking to the bars at DTF. Before we even get to the coffee joint, we get a call from a very good mutual friend of ours who is trashed beyond belief. He's torn up by his oneitis, who he's happened to fall hard for a second time. Unfortunately she won't give him the time of day, and he can't handle this, so he wanted advice. Manko and I take turns passing the phone talking him into getting over this chick, that he has no reason to be pissed at her, and how he needs to go out to meet some new girls starting TOMORROW. He's inconsolable and drunk, so we say goodnight and hang up. The call took up damn near an hour, which meant it was already time to head over toward Heroes.
On the way, Manko and I stop at our "bathroom", which is really all we use Branagans (aka "Man"agans) for anyhow, and I decided to open up one of the cuties working there with an opener and story I've been working on lately. She hooks and is genuinely interested, but I'm really just using her as a state pump. I swear this place is always loaded with dudes. Granted, it's an Irish pub, but WHERE are the Irish chicks?!
Tonight is Jack's 22nd birthday, and because he's a great friend of mine I met up with him for his celebration at DTF. It was great! We walked over to Heroes, and were greeted immediately by what had to be twenty people who came out for his night. I pass through the bar to scope things out before I got things going.
That's when I catch a glimpse of one hottie's very familiar face, and watch my night swing a quick upturn followed immediately by a sharp nosedive...
This girl was a HUGE oneitis for me during fresh and soph years of college. This approach was also a HUGE mistake. I should have said hi and bounced, but no, are you kidding? I "have" to show her...
(I walk confidently through her friends, stopping directly in front of her, I point at her with my arm outstretched)
Muse: YOU! What are YOU doing here?
*Big grin*
HBOneitis: OMG! OMG! OMG! Muuuuussseee!! How are you!?
M: I, am having a fantastic night, that's how I am. Celebrating a buddy's birthday out on the patio. How are you?
(And from here we get a glimpse of why she's a former oneitis)
HBO: Better now.
*She slides an arm around me and moves in with her 'hips-first' hug. She's giving me that smile, and those eyes(good GOD those eyes!), that with any other girl cue me for the immediate makeout...* It's SO good to see you, OMG, we haven't even talked in SO long.
(Duh. There's a reason for that, you masochist)
M: *I push her off me* Yeah, I know, I've started to lead a hectic life since the last time we went out.
HBO: Are you graduating this year?
*Grabs my hand and insists on pressing her hips on mine*
We banter for a few more minutes and we're both heavy with the kino...as always. A friend of hers snaps her from the bubble we've created, and it's back to reality. I stand there for a good ten seconds gazing off into the distance.
Bar Announcement: "Meet Muse, he'll be playing the chode during tonight's performance."
I snap out of my surprise at how quickly she was torn away from what seemed like such a strong bubble. Walking toward her, I grab her free hand and twirl her around to face me.
M: I'll be on the patio, celebrating with my friends. Come find me in a few minutes.
HBO: Ok! I will for sure!
It's not when I turn away. It's not even as I walk toward the front of the bar. Nope. It's not until I walk through the door that it hits me. Everything rushes back, in a flood of memories, images, conversations, dates, parties, touches, smells. I'm overwhelmed by all of these things, until I'm not even sure what hit me.
Apparently, that night, I forgot all of this:
This is the girl who I shared my first cigarette with.
This is the girl who invited me to sleep with her THREE separate times.
This is the girl I denied THREE times, because: "I have a girlfriend."
This is the girl who flirts, kinos heavily, and has me talk with her on her bed.
This is the girl who never follows through with any of it.
This is the girl who keeps popping up in my life when it's least expected.
This is the girl who won't respond to a text, but will make out at a party.
This is the first time both of us have been single, and met up in person.
I haven't seen her in well over a year.
I sit down on the patio with Manko, Jack, and all of Jack's friends surrounding us. They're all having such a great time! They all seem so happy and lively. I've only ever felt like this when my first girlfriend broke up with me via text, while I was in Hawaii(haha funny story actually).
I'm socializing, I'm putting on the mask and the smile, but my awareness just isn't here. My mind has been tossed back to my chode years, going over events again and again from my memories. It spread to every girl I've ever met before getting into game. Every bad date. Every chode comment. Every time I failed to make a move and lost the girl. Every girl back in the day who told me: "Oh I can't, I've got an amazing excuse, sorry!"
It's almost an out of body thing. I swear that sounds way too intense, but that's just how it felt. It felt like I was watching myself talk to people, without really being there. Like I had just been the victim of head trauma.
HBO left the bar with her friends less than fifteen minutes after she said she'd meet me on the patio. She gave me a glance as she walked out the exit, ignoring the catcalls from guys who thought they were hot shit, and took her gaze away without a smile, a wink, or a word of goodbye.
I spent the rest of the night trolling from bar to bar with Manko, but couldn't open a single set. I didn't feel anxious or scared to approach, the DC program rid me of that almost entirely. What WAS scary, is how I didn't feel excited or happy to meet new chicks. All this week I've had this FIRE. This excitement! You couldn't keep me from the field if you wanted to.
. . .tonight I felt nothing.
Manko was having a shit night too, but for entirely different reasons. I place a lot of the blame for his bum night on myself, because I couldn't focus, let alone open. I was in no state to be coaching tonight.
We parted ways with Jack & Co. Deciding to call it a night because things just weren't getting any better.
Tonight I watched the self-confidence, inner game, and love for life, all of which I've worked so hard to establish over the last year, fall to pieces like a flimsy house of cards.
It wasn't even about this oneitis chick. It was an unexpected rushing back of all the chode years past, as if they were demanding one final roar before their dying gasps. She was just the trigger to set off the charge. I lay in my bed thursday night, trying desperately for sleep, as "Room 429" by Strapping Young Lad vaporized my thoughts. I could think of nothing else but those first two verses.
I'm going to wrap this up here. I always write more than originally intended.
You know what's really interesting? I woke up Friday morning feeling powerful. Feeling wicked. Feeling ready for another big night as far as game is concerned. I needed thursday night's reflective intensity. I needed it, because as I briefly mentioned before. . . Thursday night saw my inner chode give his final, powerful roar. A death gasp before flickering out of my life. The past few days, I have never felt better in my life. Ever.
All of those inner game things I worked on turned out to be extreme in strength, but the one major problem is that I had never gotten rid of my inner chode entirely. I feel like my past is gone forever. It's time for a new page in my life, and this is just the beginning. Friday and saturday nights are showing a permanent change developing in me and my game. . .
"What you don't understand,
Is where everything's leading.
When all of the signs you see
still point to overload.
As you reach out your hand,
a shattered picture's receding.
like daylight along that lonesome
stretch of broken road
Cause you've been to the past,
and its just a reminder,
a recollection of faces
that will never come to call.
When you've cut through the mask,
When you've been through the grinder,
sometimes you forget that you had ever been there at all. . ." Room 429 - Strapping Young Lad
CHAT
