Didn't go as well as I'd hoped, but I still learned a lot. Here's a summary of what went down.
Before I go out, I stand in the mirror in the bathroom and work myself up. "I'm gonna f*ck! I'm getting b*tches!" I mime to myself, making it more and more extreme and ridiculous. I do this until I feel the energy and fun coming from my violent enthusiasm. To each their own I guess
Hit the clubs, really long queue. Black girl, quite tipsy, starts talking to me in the line and I feel awkward as f*ck. I focus on my outward body language and it goes smoothly. I have a cigarette and it calms me down to the max. She's really into me, says I'm cute, and insists I look much older than her even though I'm one year younger I think. She even qualifies herself to me, saying that in high school she was the best girl to go out with. She's in uni, and I'm in my last year of high school.She half-invites me to some party that's happening the next night, but I don't care enough to ask her for any proper details or get her contact info (maybe I should have) because I'm not there to focus on one girl. I think she feels how little I care, and she puts her arm around me multiple times and introduces me to her two friends. I greet them, but don't reciprocate her touch for some reason... but she wasn't that bad looking to be hones. I wouldn't have minded if I hooked up with her... but it's as if something inside me just didn't want to. Don't know if anyone else has experienced something as insane as this? She tells me the three of them are going to get a drink in the meantime and that they'll be back. I know it sounds like she's ditching - maybe she was cus I wasn't that nice to her - but I know that in this case it isn't like that. In terms of black girls, who I don't have a problem with but aren't my first choice, I'd say she's a 7.5.
I know that what I have to do (according to an RSD video about RAS - google "ras pualingo") is build up myself into that unstifled talkable state by making careless approaches, then slowly upping the ante until I'm in such a good state that I can't get out of it and be able to use my game fully. I go inside, I have been talking to a few people in the line... but then I go in and I'm awkward in my new environment. I start tapping my feet, and loosen myself up enough to dance a bit, but awkwardly. I find myself avoiding the glances of people, feeling anxious that I'm not in state, and spending like an hour on the dancefloor trying to pluck up the courage to put my arms up in the air and scream "whoo!" at the top of my lungs (how ridiculous lol). I've stopped talking to people. I'm back at square one. I know I need to approach random girls and say hi or whatever, just to get the juices flowing... but can't. What?
I go into "avoid mode", as I like to call it. Basically, I don't want to talk to anyone, want to avoid any social contact with anyone even if its a hot girl who approaches me and wants to bang me straight away. In this mode, I'd probably say something rude to her or turn away. I think I've found my number one problem... how can I fix this? It sounds dumb, but I guess everyone has something dumb inside them when they start off. I know that if I get through this stupid mental habit, I'll start getting results.
So, I walk around aimlessly, anxiously, as if I'm looking for my imaginary friends or as if my lift is waiting for me. I even check my phone a few times. "F*ck this," I tell myself. "Ten seconds and I'm leaving to the next club, and warming the f*ck up."
I wait in line for the next club. I talk to a couple behind me, and introduce myself. The chick's name is Dodo (yeah right) and I say its much better than Dido. I'm about to dismiss the interaction since they've detected my awkwardness, then I decide again: "F*ck that". I say the first thing that comes to my mind: "Dido is one letter away from Dildo. I don't think you get Doldos though." They crack up, and on the outside I feel good. I spot a friend and he says hi to me. I'm surprised how much on the outside I've loosened up, compared to ten minutes earlier. It's not anything worth reckoning, it's more of an 'outside feeling' where I don't feel amazing, but I can pretty much say what I want and not care. It was a pretty normal state.
As you've already guessed, "avoid mode" returns. I'm drawn to a nice couch... and I sit there for 20 minutes, acting cool, smoking a ciggy.
Erh... then how embarassing. I see a friend from school and he's out with his friends. He comes over, asks if I'm alone. I think he feels sorry for me. He tries to include me, and we all do shots. The shots don't improve me at all. They're all really nice to me, and try to vibe with me, but I'm depressed, insecure, embarassed... and I'm not fun to be around at all. I make one or two jokes, dance half-heartedly (self-consciously at that) and... the nights over and I have to go home.
What I learned from the night:
- Don't get into "avoid mode". Feel the urge to remove yourself? Don't. Just f*cking don't. Plough it.
- Have friends. But... in contrary to that I've found that friends make a comfort zone which is even harder for me to get out of, even though I'll be having a good time on the outside. Probably because of insecurity on my part.
- It's not as hard as I think it is. Okay, it ended up badly because I got myself into some stupid downward mental spiral - but I know that once I talk to people, I'm relatively comfortable than how I used to be. I just... actually have to talk to people.
- Be more of a manwhore. Why do I push clear opportunities away? It's as if I don't want to hook up... I know I have a bad case of oneitis and this is probably the reason. It's all subconscious though. I need to slut it out a few nights if I ever want to get rid of it and feel abundant.
I want to go out again asap, tonight preferably if I get through some work that's due very soon. Somehow I think that going out consecutively will help me understand my issues and work through them, as if it's one really long night with a few 'reset and reflect' breaks in between.
Any feedback? If you have comments on the weird stuff that happened to me internally, please say it. This is a ridiculous mental pattern, and I know I have decent game, I just need to get rid of some inner bullsh*t. Ideas?
CHAT
