yesterday, i asked a woman in the train who was sitting next to me where she does yoga because she had a yoga mat. she told me about a free outdoor yoga class she goes to. also i asked another woman about the shirt she had in her hand and she ignored me. i dressed up in $100 jeans and a tie and nice boots and walked around outside not knowing where i wanna go out. eventually, i went to a dance club bar with a band and danced in the evening. there were lots of guys, but because i am a good dancer women were dancing around me and one was dancing in front of me touching and turned toward me several times. i knew she was giving me ioi's because she chose to dance next to me and also because of the turning and facing me briefly. but i was hesitant and not sure how to approach her, so i kind of danced on her side and looked at her and then danced facing her and asked her name, she told me her name but did not smile and then took a step away toward her friend, then back towards me a little later and then she left and went to dance elsewhere away from me.

yesterday i asked a woman on a train where she does yoga because she had a yoga mat and just listened and did not say much in return. she was on the other seat as i was sitting down and i naturally had to face her in order to sit down.

went to a hip hop class where i am the only guy, all others are women. came early so i could talk to the girls in the lobby waiting for the lesson. sat in between two women. asked the older one what she was reading and she said one of the magazines, did not smile, waited a little before answering me, and so i took that as a no she did not want to talk and left her alone, no more questions.

then i asked the girl on my right if she was going to the lesson too, and she said yes and told me she did before for many years and is teaching it to little girls this summer and so on. i told her that i go dancing salsa, and swing and tried other types of dancing and told her 'let me know if you want to go salsa dancing at the place near the studio' she said 'sure i will meet you there' i took that as a rejection because she could have hinted she wanted me to ask her for her number so we could go together. we talked more and then after the lesson i went to the bathroom and saw her lingering on in the lobby when i came out took that as a slight IOI. then i said "lets go salsa dancing together" i felt nervous and talked too much and did not let her chance to speak much. i said "how should i contact you" and she said she to give her my number, i said i will email her and she asked if i have a pen and paper and said i dont, so then i got out my old out of date cell phone and started to enter her email which she said is really long, then i gave her my cell and said 'just text me your email' then i said she should bring friend to the group salsa lesson. overall i think next time i will invite the girl and then not say much, and just see her reaction and let her talk. then ask her for her for a contact info, make it short and simple. she did not text me today so im sure its a flake. but while i was talking to her i was thinking because she was sort of smiling and asked me questions and answered my questions - she was a little interested and there was potential. but then i thought because it was not as good as i expect the convo to be to lead to a date, then i took little things like her not hanging around long enough when we walked into the class, as rejection. but then when the girls are really into you and sound 100% certain to hang out with you again, that's when they always flake out i think. this was like a moderate reaction from the girl, so maybe if i listened more and asked with a more simple, positive thinking approach, maybe there was something there and i could've gotten a date.

i sent an email and a fb request to the Indian girl I sat next to and had conversation with at the coffee shop a week ago. She accepted my fb friend request and did not reply to my email.

good day yesterday! i was off from work. i went to a hip hop class in the evening and bought a $60 matching shirt/baseball cap to look attractive and hip because i was going to talk to girls at the lesson. fyi, i am the only guy in the hip hop class - the rest are girls. i put my stuff down and i went to sit on a bench next to a woman with a wedding ring on. i was facing this woman and took two steps and while my body was still open towards her, as i was landing on my seat, it was only then that i made eye contact smiled and said hi how are you? and without stopping or changing anything in how my body was moving with the intention of sitting down, i continued to sit down. so if you were just looking at how i went from standing to taking a seat, just by my body leanguage you could not tell that i said hi to this woman or that she said hi back. my own theory is that this sets women at ease because it lets them know that you are not going to chase them, you did not just come with the intention of talking and putting them on the spot, you are doing your own thing - sitting down or walking - and you happen to say hi in the process and you are not going to change your own plans to take the seat and sit or to keep walking or keep standing where you were whether they talk to you or not. i get more positive replies from women that way! so i turned my back toward the woman right away. i noticed then she began fidgeting and moving away from me, so to put her at ease, i stood up and took a few steps away from her giving her safe space and just started stretching. i have planted my feet and did not move closer to her when i started to talk to her again. i just said hi how are you? again and asked something about the dance. she said she saw me last week in the other class at the studio and we talked about dancing and i asked her where else she takes dance lessons and it turned out i went once to the studio that she goes to. then this young ballerina type of girl came in and put her stuff down. she saw us talking. she was standing and then sitting down stretching and then standing again near me and this woman - proximity IOI! also talking to a woman in the class who was approving of me (i hope) sent out some positive signals maybe even made other girls a little jealous i hope. anyway, this young single ballerina girl joined our circle of conversation but she began talking to this woman. i interrupted them and just started talking directly to her. we talked and then sat down stretching talking more. then after the lesson she hung around and was the last one to leave and was facing her back toward me so i addressed and started talking to her. i listened to what she said and tried to sell myself a little by saying how i go dancing and also that i live on my own and have a job and graduated from college. when i first met her i mentioned this other dance across the street that i go to sometimes. then after the lessons i wanted to ask her out, so i just said "so do you want to go to that dance?" she said maybe she might stop by, but then no she has a class that day. (might've been a lie) i was dressing and she was lingering talking to me. then she decided to go and said she has to get going - so bye. in the process, i shook her hand and found out her name and age. so that was it, even though she seemed interested, i gave her a chance to say yes she wants to go to this other dance and give me an excuse to ask for her contact info - but she did not and i just left her go. maybe she was not interested anyway. oh and the married woman who i first opened, she said good bye to me when she left - that was nice!

so then i went to this cozy coffee shop i really enjoy and said down at the table next to where the girls were and also with two empty table on each side in front of me in case any girl sit down there it would be easier and look/feel more natural to open them. actually, this girl was sitting on the left already studying a book. i sat down reading my newspaper and then saw her getting ready to leave, packing her bag. i thought what the hell i will open her and see if the negative voice in my head saying "she will freak out and reject you if you talk to her" so i asked her "what are you reading?" i should have smiled, but i did not feel like smiling, i actually smiled a little later. she told me she was a sculptor. so we talked a little and i told her about the dancing and said actually i just came out of a hip hop class and told her a little about it. she said she wants to take a class called "contact improvisation" i was trying to flirt with her so i smiled and said "oh do you need a partner for that? i'll be your partner, you can do all the contact you want. you will do the contact, i will do the improv - i am good at improv" it was kinda unnatural and not smooth, but she played along and seemed to enjoy though it was awkward and laughed it off and gave me like a pat on the arm in the air. i kept looking at her and listening while she was talking. i asked what sculpture she made last and she said you can't explain with words. so i said she should show it with her body and i made funny movement with my arms and shoulders and my head. she stood up and did this lean forward and kinda a circle with her arms to show what her sculpture looked like. i said "yeah that's a good sculpture" because in Feeling Good by Dr Burns it says that when people flirt they are very afraid of being rejected, and it does not matter what you say, often as long as you say anything it is good enough not to make them feel rejected, but that when someone flirts with you or gives you a compliment it is best to say something positive and agree with the person like - "yes this is a good shirt!" - just something to support what the person told you and not put yourself down or shoot the person down. then this girl left after lingering on for fiver minutes talking to me and i finished my tea and cake and reading the paper and went to this improv games workshop. i was there before over the past 1-2 years a few times, the people are cliquey, so i did not even bother going out for pizza with them after the workshop. i went to a bar with a free show, danced by myself, it was weird - lots guys, and 2-3 girls who had bfs were dancing near me and one of them was even briefly making eye contact, standing near me. i did not approach her cuz she had the bf or male friend. whatever, i hate bars, i get lost when i talk to women at bars anyways, i can't act cocky, i feel on the spot. i just danced by myself and came home.

the other good news in is that the girl i sat next to, waited until she started moving about because someone sat next to her and she had to move over, talked to her, got her email, kept talking to her, then left. that girl accepted my fb friend request AND replied to my email!! that's kinda a success i think. if i keep doing this more, eventually some girl will become my friend or invite me to a party or i might even get a date or find a gf. all this work i did over past 2 years is paying off a little. what i CAN do now is go out to dance lessons or coffee shops and say hi to women and have many of the women talk to me and not shudder away and i can try to flirt a little too, though i noticed it pushes a lot of women away and i get more convos if i don't try to flirt. so i can get conversations with strangers with both men and women, but i at the end of the conversation i am never at ease with them (although i am more or less at ease opening them) i just get to this stage where i feel awkward and i don't know if they like me (i think they dont like me) and i don't know if they are talking to me because they like and i feel like they don't want to talk to me and wish i would leave them alone and actually are trying to subtly get away from me, i have this fear that i am one of those people who keeps talking to someone even though that person is not interested and is uncomfortable, and is looking for the first opportunity to shake this person off and get away. this is not trues often in my case, i think because of my fear of rejection and social anxiety and just my panic at talking to people and my habit of pushing people away and i also the feeling i get - i get pissed off whenever someone is near me physcically or emotionally and push people away - i probably lose out a lot. i just hate togetherness and would rather be rejected than be accepted as a friend because that makes me uncomfortable and anxious. two years ago i told my therapist i think i have Asperger's syndrome, and he said i just have "horrible social anxiety" - which i have noticed are the weird/awkward/negative feelings of panic and rejection i feel whenever i even talk to people. oh well. anyway. let me post the email i sent to the cofee shop girl and what she replied. it sounds like she is brushing me off and i pretty bad with messaging girls so i am going to play it safe and not reply to her i think, just in case she wants to be friends with me and sends me an invited to something. maybe if i dont message her again, we can become friends. and if i do reply to her, i will say something weird and she will not reply back and then she will be unreachable and i won't have any friendship with her. so anyway, i sent her:

"Hey, it's Jeff, how are you? I live in ____ and I work at an ______. After college I went out a lot - social dancing (swing and salsa), shows, did house improvement projects, then last thing I did was take an acting class. Now, I occasionally go dancing, and just stay home, do important stuff (I have two jobs and I am saving money to buy a house) and cook yummy rice and have friends come over. I am planning BBQs and stuff in the back yard in the spring.

I was wondering if you have any engineering friends or any stuff you do that I might be interested in, like do you do any Indian dancing or do you go to coffee shops and talk to your friends about engineering stuff? "

she replied a few days later:

"Hey Jeff
Thanks for your massage. Your life sounds interesting. You lucky man you already done with your school. As you, I also enjoy cooking delicious Indian foods. But these busy days I don’t get chance to cook delicious foods. I am Interested on dance but I don’t dance that much. I have some ferns who are studying engineering as well and they dance very well. Our spring break is just over so we couldn’t enjoy at this time we will join with you later. Anyway thanks for massage. Enjoy your spring.
Thanks
bye"

I won't reply to her I think. But I will show this message to other people and ask what they think too.

i was thinking if my life was organized so that i got my house clean, bought groceries, cooked, and had clean/ironed outfits ready to wear, then i would go out more and be happier. so for example, there is a party that someone told me about that this person is invited to and i can go too. it would be good to go to a party. but because i stay up late on my days off for no good reason, just browsing online or finishing up errands i procrastinated with, i will be very tired and sleep deprived after work, and i cannot go back to work again after the party the next day. i need the sleep. so here you go - my lack of organization and discpline is setting me up to miss out on opportunities to go out.

usually when i come home after work and i know i am off the next day, i fall apart when i come home that evening. i don't do anything. i procrastinate. i move slowly. i linger on wondering what i would LIKE to do. i won't go into the depressing negative cycle that makes me 20% as productive as i am when i am working. when it is my day off, i know my last days off sucked, so i wonder what should i do to make this day off better. but i cannot remember what i did wrong last time i had a day off, because i have a bad memory. so today, at the end of my day off, i wrote down what i did wrong and wrote down what i need to do differently next time. so next time i am off i will"

1 go grocery shopping
2 cook food
3 clean my apartment and do laundry and iron shirts prepare outfits
4 clean the house
5 do all the online things
6 do work outs at home
7 go out and approach as much as i want
8 come home go to sleep go to work

so Friday night I come home and I do 1-3: get groceries, cook, clean. Then, Saturday when I am off, i finish up 1-3 if i have not already, and then pay online bills, buy stuff online, post, check email, etc. then Saturday day time and evening I can go out with a clean conscience and come home and everything is all set!

I am definitely trying this next time!

also i got a cardio aerobics work out dvd that i am going to do in the mornings. see i hate working out, but doing aerobics to music is fun and i am out of shape, so yoga or pumping iron or anything hardcore will might injure me. i need something that will warm up all my mucles and joints and ligaments, and not make my joints move past their natural day to day range of motion.

a family friend set me up with a single woman who wants to get married. she friended me on fb and liked my pictures. i started a fb chat with her and we talked for an hour or two. she says she really wants a strong man and wants to get married. i said she does not need a man and she said a man is always necessary. i said i want a woman and said there are some nice women out there that make you smile all the time and your heart beat and guys line up for them and she said she was impressed with what i said and that she will try to counter my statement and told me how she wants stability in her life and thats why she decided she wants to get married. then i mentioned things like watching movies with your husband, living in a nice town, saving up money and she said she was not impressed with these things - she wants to travel for starters. i think she sounds very motivated to date and very intersted in me and also she might be playing me - first she is impressed with me, then she is not at all impressed - push and pull from a woman. haha

so i had the date with the woman whom a family friend set me up with. She was the one who sent me a friend request and it was easy to text with her because she always replied. She said she has decided she is looking for a husband. She is a 6/7. So I am proud of myself, in the past, I have never bought a woman dinner at a nice restaurant, and this time I did. All those coffee shop dates, now I'm thinking, why the heck didn't I take them to a nice restaurant instead? So anyway, I dressed up, got my Luis Vuitton bag, that I bought for $80 at the consignment store a while back, got a hair cut, and went on the date. I had gone to a dance beforehand in the morning before the date, so I was in a better mood than usual after the dancing.

I did some homework the night before the date - called the restaurant to reserve two seats for us (she was impressed right away when we walked in and we had seats reserved), also decided what i will order before hand and knew a little about the food from Yelp reviews and stuff. It was a $$$ expensive restaurant and very clean and new and trendy inside. We had the date from 5pm-7pm, because I had to get somewhere after that and she knew about it in advance. Also, we did not even talk about who's going to pay for the bill, she went to the bathroom and I paid it and left a tip. I paid $85 for the whole meal for both of us, but I felt like a man and I felt like I took care of her nicely and treated her right. I think I was a jerk on my previous dates with women. While most men would get laid after paying for a date, being inexperienced I did not want to get laid and did not try. My goals were humble for a guy in his twenties - kiss her on the cheeck when you meet and I did. I also kissed her on the cheeck when we left and also when we were walking back I kind of rubbed her back, but it was awkward but it felt good so I only did it briefly. I told her something about married women who have a wedding ring and touched her wedding ring finger and she did not withdraw. Also when I touched her back when we were walking she did not withdraw but she looked aloof. So I wasn't sure if I was allowed to do that or if she enjoyed it. Anyway, she mentioned she'd wanna go salsa dancing and I did not make a date but I said I would really enjoy salsa dancing with her. I have not heard from her nor texted her since the date two days ago. She is hot and not really bitchy, but one thing I did not like about her was that she commented (in a nice way) on how I have weird mannerisms and emotions and at times she went like "oh say it [what i am thinking and not saying, like i am holding back something]" I did not like that because I am kind of sensitive about acting weird and also i do not like being pressured to produce a reaction on command. Overall, I enjoyed taking care of her and treating her nicely and I think I can definitely get second date with her. I am kind of afraid though because I feel insecure.

Lesson learned: don't bend over backwards or put a woman on a pedestal, but reserving a table, knowing what you'll order and why by reading reviews on yelp, and going to an expensive restaurant and treating the woman nicely and not being a jerk feels nice. Much better than a coffee shop. Because when women think restaurant date - they think relationship or sex. Coffee shop dates confuse them and maybe make them feel cheap?

so i had the date with the woman whom a family friend set me up with. She was the one who sent me a friend request and it was easy to text with her because she always replied. She said she has decided she is looking for a husband. She is a 6/7. So I am proud of myself, in the past, I have never bought a woman dinner at a nice restaurant, and this time I did. All those coffee shop dates, now I'm thinking, why the heck didn't I take them to a nice restaurant instead? So anyway, I dressed up, got my Luis Vuitton bag, that I bought for $80 at the consignment store a while back, got a hair cut, and went on the date. I had gone to a dance beforehand in the morning before the date, so I was in a better mood than usual after the dancing.

I did some homework the night before the date - called the restaurant to reserve two seats for us (she was impressed right away when we walked in and we had seats reserved), also decided what i will order before hand and knew a little about the food from Yelp reviews and stuff. It was a $$$ expensive restaurant and very clean and new and trendy inside. We had the date from 5pm-7pm, because I had to get somewhere after that and she knew about it in advance. Also, we did not even talk about who's going to pay for the bill, she went to the bathroom and I paid it and left a tip. I paid $85 for the whole meal for both of us, but I felt like a man and I felt like I took care of her nicely and treated her right. I think I was a jerk on my previous dates with women. While most men would get laid after paying for a date, being inexperienced I did not want to get laid and did not try. My goals were humble for a guy in his twenties - kiss her on the cheeck when you meet and I did. I also kissed her on the cheeck when we left and also when we were walking back I kind of rubbed her back, but it was awkward but it felt good so I only did it briefly. I told her something about married women who have a wedding ring and touched her wedding ring finger and she did not withdraw. Also when I touched her back when we were walking she did not withdraw but she looked aloof. So I wasn't sure if I was allowed to do that or if she enjoyed it. Anyway, she mentioned she'd wanna go salsa dancing and I did not make a date but I said I would really enjoy salsa dancing with her. I have not heard from her nor texted her since the date two days ago. She is hot and not really bitchy, but one thing I did not like about her was that she commented (in a nice way) on how I have weird mannerisms and emotions and at times she went like "oh say it [what i am thinking and not saying, like i am holding back something]" I did not like that because I am kind of sensitive about acting weird and also i do not like being pressured to produce a reaction on command. Overall, I enjoyed taking care of her and treating her nicely and I think I can definitely get second date with her. I am kind of afraid though because I feel insecure.

Lesson learned: don't bend over backwards or put a woman on a pedestal, but reserving a table, knowing what you'll order and why by reading reviews on yelp, and going to an expensive restaurant and treating the woman nicely and not being a jerk feels nice. Much better than a coffee shop. Because when women think restaurant date - they think relationship or sex. Coffee shop dates confuse them and maybe make them feel cheap?

so i had the date with the woman whom a family friend set me up with. She was the one who sent me a friend request and it was easy to text with her because she always replied. She said she has decided she is looking for a husband. She is a 6/7. So I am proud of myself, in the past, I have never bought a woman dinner at a nice restaurant, and this time I did. All those coffee shop dates, now I'm thinking, why the heck didn't I take them to a nice restaurant instead? So anyway, I dressed up, got my Luis Vuitton bag, that I bought for $80 at the consignment store a while back, got a hair cut, and went on the date. I had gone to a dance beforehand in the morning before the date, so I was in a better mood than usual after the dancing.

I did some homework the night before the date - called the restaurant to reserve two seats for us (she was impressed right away when we walked in and we had seats reserved), also decided what i will order before hand and knew a little about the food from Yelp reviews and stuff. It was a $$$ expensive restaurant and very clean and new and trendy inside. We had the date from 5pm-7pm, because I had to get somewhere after that and she knew about it in advance. Also, we did not even talk about who's going to pay for the bill, she went to the bathroom and I paid it and left a tip. I paid $85 for the whole meal for both of us, but I felt like a man and I felt like I took care of her nicely and treated her right. I think I was a jerk on my previous dates with women. While most men would get laid after paying for a date, being inexperienced I did not want to get laid and did not try. My goals were humble for a guy in his twenties - kiss her on the cheeck when you meet and I did. I also kissed her on the cheeck when we left and also when we were walking back I kind of rubbed her back, but it was awkward but it felt good so I only did it briefly. I told her something about married women who have a wedding ring and touched her wedding ring finger and she did not withdraw. Also when I touched her back when we were walking she did not withdraw but she looked aloof. So I wasn't sure if I was allowed to do that or if she enjoyed it. Anyway, she mentioned she'd wanna go salsa dancing and I did not make a date but I said I would really enjoy salsa dancing with her. I have not heard from her nor texted her since the date two days ago. She is hot and not really bitchy, but one thing I did not like about her was that she commented (in a nice way) on how I have weird mannerisms and emotions and at times she went like "oh say it [what i am thinking and not saying, like i am holding back something]" I did not like that because I am kind of sensitive about acting weird and also i do not like being pressured to produce a reaction on command. Overall, I enjoyed taking care of her and treating her nicely and I think I can definitely get second date with her. I am kind of afraid though because I feel insecure.

Lesson learned: don't bend over backwards or put a woman on a pedestal, but reserving a table, knowing what you'll order and why by reading reviews on yelp, and going to an expensive restaurant and treating the woman nicely and not being a jerk feels nice. Much better than a coffee shop. Because when women think restaurant date - they think relationship or sex. Coffee shop dates confuse them and maybe make them feel cheap?

so i went to group therapy and told my therapist and the other people in the group that the woman i went on a date with had all these complaints during the date - she said i have weird mannerisms and she has never heard of a man doing so much dancing and she also i am tense and nervous. so the group told to ask her why she is being so aggressive to me. so i talked to her on fb about it and she said i am being silly, it's silly to talk about what she told me on the date and if she offended me she is sorry, but she does not think she offended me in any way and that i should have a simpler attitude towards the opposite sex and should not take things so close to heart and that we don't have to hang out again and she said "have you thought that maybe it is not met, it's you?" and that i am making things up and imagining things. i said good bye i have to go to sleep three times during the convo and she did not say good bye. i was the one who did not reply last at the end of the fb convo. and then i texted her the next day and she did not reply (and she always replies) she said she had fun during the date and i just made a bunch of things up.

so the woman with the weird eyes finally replied after a month or two of not replying, inviting me to a show Friday night. She sounds pissed that I was late to last date. But hey, I get date #3, so it worked haha.

last night went out to a club/bar with a crowd dancing inside, same one i been to million times just dancing on my own. lots of guys, lots more than girls. started dancing by myself in the crowd. was dressed up in $300 worth of clothes btw. got a proximity alert from two girls who were all of a sudden dancing behind me on my right side. i looked to them and felt very shy. did not know what to do with them. i said how are you and they did not make eye contact, started to turn their backs to me. i imediately turned away from them and continued dancing like i did not care about them and was happy being alone. then they left. then they appeared in front of me to the side. i am usually very avoidant of women at bars/clubs and very afraid to interact and dont know how to lead or what to do with them. i got an inspiration like "i am going to go and get to know these women" and i looked at them like as if i was making an acquintance with them. usually i fluctuate between the fear of being rejected and the longing to get a nice reaction, this time for a brief moment i did not feel that, i was just getting to know them. and i walked to them and put my hand on their shoulders and they did not withdraw and i started dancing side to side with them. kind of cool. then one of them left and i imagined the other one did not want to be left alone without her friend so i backed up and made space for that one to go to her friend. and they left. also there was this drunk sweet hot girl in a red dress teasing guys and also me by dancing in front of me, i did not make eye contact or talk or dancing with her except i did this bump on the shoulder and barely touch hands thing with the rythm to the music without showing i noticed her. i enjoyed it becuase she kind of bumped back in rythm for a little while. so women do notice me in bars cause i dance so well and also dressed and not chasing anybody, but i dont get any dates or any grinding out of it. and going out alone in a bar full of horny guys salivating over same girls, i am afraid to make any other guys jealous and get in a fight or something. it sucks for me to go out dancing to a bar/club because i go to sleep at 1:30 am afterward and the next day is off to a bad start because i wake up late.

so i have a date with the girl with the weird tonight. she replied after two months or so finally. the concesus on the other girl who criticized me during the date is that she is a bitch and it's not my fault. i told everyone and everyone says so. so i feel good about that.

also today i went to Starbucks and other coffee shops just saying hi how are you to women who sit nearby. i was dressed up in my $300 outfit and had an ipad and a Luis Vitton bag (the used one from the consignment store). the women were nice and i got a flirtation with one or two. i got a sense one of the women wanted me to ask her for a number or something because she was sitting kind of facing me and hesitating. she also asked ME follow up questions wich is an IOI and asked me for what tea i recommend. but hse had what looked like a diamond ring on her wedding finger. so i did not do it.

i am feeling depressed again, it's after that date where i was criticized a lot, but i feel better. i think it's best for me to spend time on working at home on things i was procrasting on - that will make me feel better and give me energy. all this going out takes so much time and i barely get anything out of it.

oh forgot to say that the girl with the weird eyes did not just email after three months out of the blue. i had sent her a second email after 1-2 months saying i enjoyed playing cards with her last time and would like to do it again. she emailed me back a few days later. we had a date yesterday! that's date #3 we went to a concert she invited me to. i offered to buy her a ticket but she had one already. i did not kiss her on the cheeck when i met her though i wanted to and then once we sat for 10 minutes in our seats i moved my bag and sat shoulder to shoulder with her and we held hands (my initiative). i enjoyed holding hands with her a lot and also she turned toward me and we laughed together and she told me things about the music like what she thought intimately. then she introduced me to two friends of hers who were there after the concert and i was not sure if i was allowed to hug in front of people she knew so at first saying bye i did not but we faced each other and she made a little motion toward me so i was like ok i can give her a hug (she probably really wants to too). i felt i could just relax and enjoy her company. there was no pressure and no bitchiness like the woman from last week. i was just good enough the way i am today and it felt very good and i enjoyed holding hands and just watching the concert together. we both enjoyed the music.

also i was dressed walking around the city today so i just said hi to women who happened to stand nearby on while waiting for the red light or women i passed, just a flirtatious "hi how are you?" with a smile and many of them smiled back and said hi back. i did not continue the conversation past that, in fact, the important thing while greeting random strangers seems to not show that you intend to have a conversation with them - to just keep walking like you were walking or standing like you were standing before and after you talk to them..

tried walking a puppy around the city friday evening in nice weather. once women sort of stopped by but continued walking. walking a dog is not the woman magnet I expected it to be. it takes a lot of work, walking the dog for hours. maybe if i said hi to women who are around me more, i'd get a more positive response that usually. but i think that maybe it's better during the day time on weekends? i dunno. not sure i wanna spend all this time walking the dog. seems like a waste of time.

i emailed the date that i had fun and wanna do it again.

i've been obsessing about myself again, thinking of what i would say to people in my own head when i am alone. ive been getting a lot pressure to act like a normal person - at work, and also my therapy group has been hard on me telling me i am a jerk and i go after people for not having a job or not dressing well or living on their parents' money or that i turn every conversation to about myself and dominate the group. i hate when people criticize me or remark on how i behave. it is so hard for me to be around people, i get confuse and try to understand and project onto people my emotions, and go crazy being stuck in my own head. feel very tense and awkward and get depressed. sure i have these internal skills i can now use to talk to people like listening and waiting for a natural reaction and then telling them or not trying to control the conversation. but it so hard to second guess yourself all the time and try to suppress bad behavior despite strong urges to do them. also my feelings really screw me over. anyway, so i was off from work and i went to a new social dance more like a line dance where you mostly dance by yourself in a line, and not with a partner. the regulars came up to me and said hi and asked me where i work and where i dance. i was not sure what to make of it. i talked back and smiled and said good by to them when i left. i am trying not send out "dont talk to me, get away from me" vibes when people come introduce themselves to me or want me to notice them or get to know me. i suspect people who come up to me to talk of being dishonest, of making fun of me, of looking down at me for being lonely while they have all the friends they want. the group therapy told me it is very limiting way of looking at women - either she is perfect or she is a piece of crap - and they feel constricted by it. so i danced a little then danced went and dance at a half empty night club. then went home. going to sleep late again. alas.

also the girl with the weird eyes has not emailed me back after the date yet.