Hi again, whysoskinny

With all respect, I might be a bit harsh on some points. But I've walked this walk for so many years that you better listen. Do not become a victim. You are not abused. You were just unequipped with handling people like this. Most of us are until we've come across such people and manage to learn how to deal with it. You've now got more experience. Mold that shit into something you can use in your future, to strengthen yourself and make you more able to spot and to handle this kind of shitty behaviour from others.

"There seems to be a hole always in my life where I fill that gap in with the addiction towards a woman."

Accept that you alone - not your friends, parents, partners or anyone else than you - are responsible for your life. You make the choices. If you don’t you are not living. You are being lived by others. You are stuck in a passive place letting life play ping pong with your existence. I wise man once told me; "It's about being precent in your own life." Just let that sink in... you have the sole responsibility for making sure that you have a life you like.

"After getting out of a recent relationship where I basically drove her away like a self forfulling prophecy, I truly loved her, but was probably abused and didn't realize that I was participating in the unhealthiest relationship of all time."

This is something you should be really happy about. If you would be stuck in this, get kids with her. Ponder around with that thought. That would be a even shittier relationship situation to be in. I’m there.

"I am quite an emotional guy, in fact, extremely emotional. This was probably the worst thing I could have done so soon after the break up. As I fingered her and sweet talked to this girl who had only slept with one guy before me on one occasion and I knew she really liked me, I started imagining my ex's body and comparing it to hers, it wasn't as good or the same, and then I started to wonder what my ex was up to. It was a terrible spiral which resulted in me almost crying making an excuse for the girl to leave and saying I had something in my eye and a huge headache. I can't do the typical, GFTOW like most guys. I need to completely rebuild myself, completely refocus on my energy on bettering myself, finding a new hobby, making friends, stop being fucking needy, and stop mentioning my ex."

Stop being afraid of negative/bad emotions. They are just as important as positive/good emotions. Do not rush. Take your time. Having some hurtful feelings dosn’t really hurt you - does it? There is no danger. It’s just not good. Deal with it. Cope with it. It will pass. Give it time. Don’t try to «dodge» them by fucking others, partying etc. You will only handle your symptoms, not fix the cause of the pain.

"I believe outer game and field reports first needs to be coupled with inner game."

Inner game is bullshit. Outer game is bullshit. Build your genuine core, don’t even call it game. Be real. Then what you call outer game will follow naturally. You won’t pretend. Start by being honest with yourself and make sure you build a life according to your own values. Not others. Live, do not be lived!

"These past few weeks have been the loneliest of my life."

Embrace this time, and balance it with social things that you see as safe. (Good friends, safe areas etc) Do not be afraid of negative emotions and feelings. Work through them to get done with them. Don’t try to «drown» it with bullshit fucking, partying etc. That’s the same shit druggies do. They try to escape a reality they can not cope. Be better.

"As I write this, looking over at my anti-depressants, and thinking about an utter mess I have been left in due to a single girl, I think of a better me a year from now. Baby steps though."

Please, try to deal with this without medication. You will come out better, stronger. More fit for your future. Don’t deal with symptoms. Go straight to the core of the issue and give it time. Don’t run from it in any way.

"1. Find a new hobby, a new addiction.
a. Bought a MacBook Pro Retina Display
b. Going to buy a camera in Europe, indulge in photography and go on hikes and learn how to edit photos
2. I will ask my close friend to change my Facebook password after giving it to him, for a month or two, as I spend a lot of time on social media, I believe this is a time waste. Also that is the only way she can contact me now and would eliminate that thought (can send people you are not friends with messages, and she did that before when arranging break up stuff to return).
3. Read books, first book to read, The Alabaster Girl.
4. Learn how to meditate, each day for a minimum of 5 minutes, and write about it after here noting progress and changes.
5. Do not mention the ex, and ask friends to not bring her up to me as well.
6. Start eating healthy, as my eating habits have dropped. When I go home I hope this will improve as my mum cooks awesome meals and cut out soda.
7. Continue my anti-depressants.
8. See a therapist in Europe (the only time I mention her). Discuss my addiction and codependent tendencies.
9. Focus on school work and really try and do a better job in it maintaining my 4.0 as I dropped this semester and may not get the A's I was hoping for.
10. Give a few close friends my SPAM number so they can communicate with me as Facebook is my main source of communication.
11. Stop researching about what I believe she has, a narcissistic-aggressive personality, I cannot change her. Stop blaming myself and start focusing on myself.
12. Enjoy my summer and be close to my family who are supporting me through this.
13. During the summer, get fit and maintain exercise. Download the beep test on my phone as that is a main source of fitness and our team has that test coming up in pre-season.
14. Post minimum once a week in this Journal, in a slow and detailed manner.
15. Burn, Delete, any reminders of images of the ex. Even the nudes.
16. Continue my Tumblr account that I got yesterday. As weird as this is, I believe it is a good way to spend 20 minutes a day and just find things that match my emotions and say what I am having trouble expressing.
17. Research future places (countries) I would like to live in and jobs matching that criteria as I graduate in January 2017 and have no idea where I want to be.
18. Download Tinder/Bumble (might be too soon and pointless?)
19. Download a news app on my phone and macbook which lets me see more suffering in the world, show me how grateful I am to be where I am."

Stop looking for fixes in everything. Just dive into the shit you are in and keep it simpe. Just start with one thing you like, or can force your self to like. I would suggest lifting weights. Builds muscle, discipline and character. This is not a symptom action, but working on your own system making your brain release good hormones to make you more naturally happy, build self confidence etc etc. Then just take it slow. Change what you don’t like as you recognize that you don’t like it. Just change small things at a time. If you try to take on a to big of a change you will more probably fail. Research around building habits says this clearly; change habits in small pieces. Do not try to change to much at a time. That’s a recipe for failure.

Oh, and I’m European as well. Good for us.

_________________
The best way to predict the future is to create it.

Post Three - April 28 2016 – Life at Home

First of all, I want to say I really enjoyed N2’s post and Elephants post. N2, I really gained some perspective from your post and I am watching the NonViolent Communication Workshop you have told me to watch, although it is 8 hours long, I’m working my way through it taking notes gaining understanding. Elephant – when you say she isn’t an abuser, I just let myself get treated that way, that stung deep as this whole time I have been telling myself I am better off without her because she is an abuser. I know that’s the victim mentality and not the right way to go about it, I don’t want this to be part of my identity, however, I want it to be part of who she is. How shitty of a person she is.
I try to write this journal entry with a positive state of mind, I do, but I must confess I have moments where I am okay and then moments where I am completely lost. I got in touch with the therapist and booked a session, the earliest he can do is 2 weeks from now. Although it costs 100 euro per session, I know I have to do it. So that is a positive and something I hope benefits me. I also gave my friend my Facebook password and he has changed it so I have not been on Facebook for two days and I have not missed it. That was the only way she has to contact me (through Facebook) and I guess that removed any element of hope from hearing or wanting to hear from her.

Just so you all understand my situation, I live in the suburbs at home with my parents and brother (29). It’s an old town, and to go anywhere I need the car which for some reason my dad won’t let me use. My dad, a very smart business man who works at a senior level for a multinational company I am sure you all use on a daily basis is non-emotional. He see’s things black and white, through logical lenses and doesn’t feel much empathy to be honest. I went for a walk with him today and tried to open up about my situation, I thought I would try, since this man always seems in control, raised three children, put them all through one of the most expensive schools in the world, he must have good advice to offer. By the way, during his one fuck up in his marriage of cheating on his wife (my mother) and them working through it, I wonder if that ever caused me damage in the back of my head of trust and neediness, and with that being said, I realize I am sadder about my own relationship and its demise than him cheating on my mother. As I told him about it, he asked me, do you think she is over you? I replied, yes, and his answer was, so it’s easy, move forward and move on. I replied, it’s not that easy, it’s two years of memories, she was my best friend, to which he said, so she doesn’t want to be your best friend anymore. It’s easy. Realizing, although yes he is right, him and I are completely different too, there was no point in even trying to talk to him about it. I don’t think he has ever really been sad over my mum, or any girl in his life. Whilst I got my mum’s sensitivity and her emotions, which basically means I am the most emotional human being on the planet, I feel everything and right now all I really feel is loneliness, sadness, pain, and a huge hole in my life where my ex use to be. In a way, for now, I guess the PUA Forum in some shape is filling that hole, although I know it is not the answer, I guess it is giving me the tools to find the answer. The worst part is, everywhere I go, I have memories of her and I, everywhere, even if I am in my room, or in town, everything reminds me of her and I don’t seem to escape the thought of her. I ask myself questions, I wonder if she misses me, I wonder if she thinks about me, I wonder if she will come back, all to which I know and tell myself the answer, ‘No, she doesn’t’, and ‘No, she won’t’.

I have been doing meditating, I have to admit, it is hard for me to sit still and just relax and maintain focus, but hopefully through doing it more often I learn this skill and its benefits. I have also downloaded a news app which allows me to look through the news each morning. My motivation to do school work has dropped severely which is a shame. I have also looked online for camera classes as I want to learn, but they were all too expensive, so I decided to join a forum and learn through there and self-teach myself. I say this, and it sounds like I am doing well, going through a lot, but the truth is I am at home quite bored. I deleted tinder and bumble, and I am often sad and feel alone unsure of what to do with myself. Today, I went into the center of my town where I recognized some friends who knew my ex, and as crazy as this seems they asked how we are doing not knowing we were broken up, me not wanting to talk about it, they even further said ‘it looks like she is partying a lot more through her snapchat stories’, which made me feel sick. I told them finally we broke up and I wouldn’t know much about what she does, and knowing one of them liked her I walked away feeling even worse thinking this guy is going to message her saying he saw me back home early in Europe and probably start talking to her and she will know I went home before I should have and am bored at home. What’s worse is I still get urges to even message her, not that I would and am aware she didn’t reply to any of my messages I sent in the past, but I feel as if I have unfinished business and I was hard-done by, and that something of two years can’t just end as suddenly as it did, that there must be some kind of aftermath of end result from her end. Surely someone can’t just walk away from someone who was there for you through everything and stuck by you.

On the flip side, I have been doing a lot of planning, a lot of scheming, a lot of writing. I made a pro’s and con’s lists of why she wasn’t good for me and why she was good for me. I ranked them out of 5 each attribute. The con’s finished at 163 and the pros at 77. Although I know she isn’t good for me simply through this list, I still miss her and want her back and I just don’t seem to comprehend why except admit that I have an addiction. I will end this journal on another note that I am talking to this very beautiful blond girl back in America whom I met through Tinder, she doesn’t like tinder and gave me her number instead. I have tried to Facetime her and talk to her, but she doesn’t seem to want to nor does she really put that much effort into talking to me, so I will drop off and no longer text her first, although she does show signs of interest and continuing to talk, I am sure there are twenty other guys in the same position as me with her. I appreciate and love reading all your feedback, so please, keep it coming. Today was an off day.

I went through your older posts for some history

TWO THOUSAND AND TEN!!!!

A YEAR LATER
A one itis about a random chick:
I had to stop reading but there were soooo many threads of you saying the same things here. YOUVE BEEN TOLD THE SAME EXACT STUFF HERE AS YOU WERE TOLD 6 YEARS AGO. Come on....You shouldnt be this dramatic after going through this and writing about it so much. You're in the same situation as you were in 6 years ago, and all those other heartbreaks you wrote about in between. I posted all of that to show you how crazy it is for you to not learn anything after all of this time. Please stop so you wont be going through this big of a heartbreak in 2030.

I mean, you gotta know your own history man. You have to think back like "well in 2010 I felt this way over X girl", then "I felt like I lost my soulmate again in 2012." "Then in 2014 I went through this again." By 2016, you should not even consider this to be a permanent thing or let it cripple you like this. Whats the point of becoming an adult if you're not learning?

"As I told him about it, he asked me, do you think she is over you? I replied, yes, and his answer was, so it’s easy, move forward and move on. I replied, it’s not that easy, it’s two years of memories, she was my best friend, to which he said, so she doesn’t want to be your best friend anymore. It’s easy. Realizing, although yes he is right, him and I are completely different too, there was no point in even trying to talk to him about it. I don’t think he has ever really been sad over my mum, or any girl in his life. Whilst I got my mum’s sensitivity and her emotions, which basically means I am the most emotional human being on the planet, I feel everything and right now all I really feel is loneliness, sadness, pain, and a huge hole in my life where my ex use to be. In a way, for now, I guess the PUA Forum in some shape is filling that hole, although I know it is not the answer, I guess it is giving me the tools to find the answer."

He has the same capacity as you. And you the same as him. Over time you form your thought patterns and be what you want to be. I see this as tough love from him. He listens, and understands, but he knows as well as you do that this will pass. And he dosn’t want you to stumble around to much before you get past this.

If you had children, it would be a whole different story. But you don’t. You are still free and need nothing from this girl.

Also, remember, you are the only one responsible for yourself. Your parents, friends and people around you can support you, help you etc. But at the end of the day it’s all about you.

Use us and all around you as «tools» to help you, but never rely on anyone to fix your shit. You need to be able to do this yourself. But, get the help you can to do so as you do so without expecting others to jump in and fix it for you.

«The worst part is, everywhere I go, I have memories of her and I, everywhere, even if I am in my room, or in town, everything reminds me of her and I don’t seem to escape the thought of her. I ask myself questions, I wonder if she misses me, I wonder if she thinks about me, I wonder if she will come back, all to which I know and tell myself the answer, ‘No, she doesn’t’, and ‘No, she won’t’.»

The article i PM’ed you about habits and how to change them. That article is based on tons of science btw. So read it, and apply it to that kind of habitual thought pattern to replace it with something better.

«Today, I went into the center of my town where I recognized some friends who knew my ex, and as crazy as this seems they asked how we are doing not knowing we were broken up, me not wanting to talk about it, they even further said ‘it looks like she is partying a lot more through her snapchat stories’, which made me feel sick. I told them finally we broke up and I wouldn’t know much about what she does, and knowing one of them liked her I walked away feeling even worse thinking this guy is going to message her saying he saw me back home early in Europe and probably start talking to her and she will know I went home before I should have and am bored at home. What’s worse is I still get urges to even message her, not that I would and am aware she didn’t reply to any of my messages I sent in the past, but I feel as if I have unfinished business and I was hard-done by, and that something of two years can’t just end as suddenly as it did, that there must be some kind of aftermath of end result from her end. Surely someone can’t just walk away from someone who was there for you through everything and stuck by you.»

Well, this is a situation that shows you if this is a good friend or not. Be happy for a situation where life potentially takes your garbage out for you. Also, this is your agenda. You decide you do not have any unfinished business with her. It is done. Your call. Just set the line and start from there. Build a new thought habit to replace the one you have, so that you will work some positive thoughts instead of these whenever they turn up.

_________________
The best way to predict the future is to create it.

Post Four – Reflections - May 2nd 2016

Hi there,

Reading Neo's post above, he absolutely put it into perspective that I have been this way for a while and this cannot happen again. Although this relationship was the most serious one I have had, it doesn't excuse the fact that I yet again put a pussy on a pedastal and ended up being the one getting fucked over.

I have been spending a lot of time on my own in the past few days. Someone once said, give a man six hours to chop down a tree and he will spend four sharpening his axe. I guess right now, what I am doing is trying to absorb as much information as possible before I fully move on and get back out there. I must admit, my last post was quite depressing, and I do not want to get into the habit of that. I will also not lie to you, when I say that the past few days have been tough and I am still feeling quite down and have moments of weakness. It is obvious that right now I am rebuilding my inner game and my ‘tower’, relaying the foundations so a new tower can be built. I started writing this post, and I erased it because it was too negative. One of my new ‘habit changes’ is whenever I say or think a negative, I try and see a positive out of the situation; “this is by far the toughest period of my life as I put all my eggs in one basket, that basket being a girl, ignored my friends and life and I am left feeling alone. However, with that being said, I have made a personal promise to never do that again and to rebuild myself and find new addictions/hobbies that are NOT a woman”. With this all being said, I write this post in a bullet point manner, updating you in the past few days with what has gone on in a ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ list.

Positives:

• I have not missed Facebook, and I realize I spend less time starring at my computer looking at other people’s lives.
o Removing Facebook was the only way she would contact me, I have given up hope of ever hearing from her again because of this.
• I have started Chiefs ‘Seductive Introvert’ program, I have just watched the introductory video and downloaded month 1 audios and will complete the missions updating them here.
• I bought a book called ‘The Alabaster Girl’ which I will start reading tonight.
• My doctor today changed my anti-depressants, saying that the Lexapro they gave me in America is too strong and that I will feel very lethargic on that, he therefore gave me half the dosage of that and another antidepressant to take with it called ‘Wellbutrin’ which increases my adrenaline.
• After talking to countless of people, it seems that the gym will do wonders for me in terms of confidence and discipline, tomorrow I have decided to go check out the gym near my house about memberships. (No promises – I hate weights).
• I now write a lot of things down on paper such as my thoughts, habit changes, and so forth that I want to complete in my life.
• Therapy starts next week on Wednesday.
• I signed up to play football on Saturday and played last Saturday for my old club scoring a nice goal.
• I signed up on a photography forum page and found the camera I want to purchase (Canon SL1). I need to definitely look into getting that soon.
• I THINK I mention her less. Maybe I just tired everyone out and don’t have anyone to talk to. Maybe I just tired myself out about her.
• I have less urge to contact her.
• I realize that I have the tools to get through this, however, I realize it is hard for me (for some reason) to act on the things I do.
• Eating healthy, putting back on my lost weight.
• Trying to give up soda. Trying.
• Spend way less time on my phone.
• Started a ‘Fear Journal’ in my notebook, I have to do one thing each day that I fear.
• “Its once we lose everything, we are free to do what we want”.
• Thinking of maybe doing volunteering after my soccer scholarship in a third world country to get out my comfort zone and appreciate other people who have less than I do. (However, getting a job will by my first goal).

Negatives

• I don’t know if it is the jetlag or just me, but I cannot get out of bed in the morning. In fact, the past two days I am waking up at two o’clock.
• I don’t do much in the day, I don’t have the energy or motivation to.
• I have been using sleeping pills to sleep.
• Sometimes I will go on my mother’s Facebook, occasionally, just to see if she has added any new guys or check her profile and her pictures. (She also deleted my mother).
• Sometimes I go on my mother’s snapchat as they are friend’s to see if she posted a story update. I have almost deleted her off snapchat in the past two days on my mother’s account but haven’t come to do it yet. I know it’s the right thing.
• Have a feeling that I am just wanting the days to pass by quicker by sleeping or doing nothing.
• I get moments where I pass somewhere in my town, or a memory pops up, and I miss her and go off on a long thought process of her.
• Very isolated here in the suburbs, with not much to do around, feeling very lonely and to be honest friendless, I am often left alone with my thoughts.
• I just can’t seem to meditate; my thoughts go off elsewhere.
• Scared that I too in some ways am a narcissist, and that I lost control which is why I became a “psycho”.
• Sad that there is nothing I can do to at least save my reputation with her, makes me feel helpless.
• The only friends I have around here are my ‘family’ and that bothers me.
• Had a realization, people have always said ‘you are better off without her’, except she is absolutely fine, probably with a new guy, happy, on a track team doing well, whilst I am a complete mess, yet I am ‘better off’.

With that being said, I have also identified my core values. That is to be loyal, to be grounded, to be respectful of others, to be driven and to always put myself first.

Nikon, not Canon. d5500 over rebel. If you're gonna go crop, I'd get a mirrorless instead. Or, you can get a used full frame for around the same price.

Post Five – Rollercoaster – May 4th 2016

I cannot seem to fix my sleeping pattern. Last night I did not take a sleeping pill with the goal of just trying to fight through the tiredness today. I fought through it as I didn’t sleep much last night but right now it is 3:00 AM and I am still awake. Jet lag is a bitch.

Today, I went to the camera store near my house and looked at cameras (very expensive). This camera store was near her old house and of course got me going on a negative spiral of thoughts. I then went to the gym to look at memberships, something that I might look into and purchase this week. It’s a nice gym, but again, her and I use to go there. You may look at this as being pathetic, but logically, if I sign up to this gym, memories of her and I will always come to my mind, and most of all I know she will probably register at the same gym when she is home in two weeks. I didn’t pay or register yet but took the paper and went home thinking about it. I then entered a pretty shitty state of mind and went for a walk. When I came back, I asked my friend for my Facebook password back, checked a few things, and in the back of my head wondered if she had messaged me which obviously to no surprise I found that she did not.

I decided that this was getting worse, and honestly, enough is enough. My dad is worried about me, I can see him (for an unemotional guy) he comes into my room and lingers and asks questions and makes comments, noticing the anti-depressants by my bed, asking questions about them. I reply shortly until he leaves. My therapy starts next Wednesday with a therapist, but I decided that is not enough. After realizing all I do now is think about this, I needed to get my life back, but not my old life, a better life, a new life. So three hours ago I decided to invest money towards a PUA coach that I have contact with at all times and can occasionally SPAM with. I had been following him online and have always liked him, I paid him the X amount of bucks (you know how much these things cost $$$!) and SPAM with him. I don’t know your opinion on these things, but what I do know is that things needed to change. I have no energy in the day, no motivation, but I kick off at night. My new anti-depressants however should help, although I can see this as being weak minded thinking/hoping they would do the work for me.

There are a few small changes that I will start immediately. I will cease jacking off starting today. Day 1 of no ejaculation. I often journal and I have dedicated a whole page making a calendar that I have to update every day with a checkmark of me not jacking off – Today is Day One. Studies have shown that sperm retention does some of the following: increase confidence, removal of depression, anxiety, fear, and social awkwardness, increase motivation, increased muscle growth, deeper voice, improved skin, thicker hair, brighter eyes, improved memory, more respect, stronger, aloof attitude, increased stamina. Some of you may laugh at this and view it as dog’s bollocks. Who knows if it is all true. What is true is that I will be journaling it and telling you personally what changes I notice.

The next change will be: From now on I will be training myself to only take cold showers. My shower tomorrow will be normal, but for the final minute, it will be on the absolute coldest setting. The next day will be two minutes. The next day three minutes and so forth. Until the only thing I do is take cold showers in the morning. Why you ask? Cold showers will improve my will power, my emotional resilience, remove my stress, increase my alertness, increase testosterone, and much more including physical effects. Same thing goes, I will be keeping a journal of my cold shower updates on paper, and report as well in this thread.

If you have any sites to buy second hand cameras and any gym tips or words to push me to get started let me know. In the mornings, I often feel like utter shit, I am hoping that changes soon, and that I wake up one of these days bright and early with some motivation.

Skinny

Sounds like some good progress, but I recommend from now on centering every update in this journal around an interaction you had with a new girl each time, even if it's just a conversation you had standing in line at a coffee shop. That is the main point of a FR Journal, after all. And you said it yourself in the beginning: I get that you were trying to emphasize the importance of inner game stuff when you said this sentence, but now you're clearly losing sight of how important it is to couple both outer and inner together.

You've got a bad mental masturbation habit and you need to start shifting your focus more onto action and less rumination.

Because of your habit of constant mental masturbation, in your case it would be beneficial to even focus COMPLETELY on action in order to fix your imbalance of over-prioritizing rumination.

Based on your history, I don't think you're going to listen to this advice for perhaps another few months, so I'll just come back every few months or so to only read reports on approaches. No need to PM me every single fucking time you write one post with a bunch of plans and thoughts. Good to see that you're doing better with those plans and thoughts, though.

Some form of meditation, particularly one that's body focused, or even something along the lines of watching thoughts will prove beneficial. You're clinging onto thoughts (form) as an identity, jumping from one to the next, and getting caught up in that undercurrent is what brings you out of presence and into this rumination process. Look on youtube, there are a lot of different types of guided meditations you can try.

May 7th 2016

I look forward to the day I can write something positive for you all. I can only be truthful and say what I feel, which is why I am not posting here as much as I wish I was. I am getting worse. My doctor put me on a new anti-depressant called Wellbrutin along with Escitalopram. I can safely say that yesterday was the first time I had awful, awful thoughts in my head, officially the worst day of my life. I called my doctor halfway through the day and said I need to get off this medication Wellbrutin, because I am having thoughts I have never had before. I had no energy and felt depleted. He told me that was one of the side effects and I should give it a week. I know most of you have given up hope towards me, some of you after reading this probably will give up hope for me. Each day I fight the urge not to contact her, every day is a constant inner battle, I hate myself for messaging her friends and embarrassing myself and stooping that low, and most of all her leaving the relationship feeling like everything was my fault. Being labelled ‘a psycho’ by her and her friends, it has cut deeper than anything I have ever experienced. All I want is to just try and mend that. I just think about messaging her, ‘Hey, I know it’s been a while. I don’t know if this means anything to you, but I know all the wrongs that occurred in our relationship, I know you wanted freedom to experience new memories with friends, and I am in that process you felt our relationship got in the way. I ask you, to not think about your friends opinions (for they can always be fixed and changed), but for you to realize I want to have my best friend back, and I don’t ever want you to feel like you can never not trust me again. I thought I owed it to you and our relationship to try and say this to you after some clarity and space.
I blame myself, for everything, I became needy, controlling, possessive. I would love to blame her for everything, but it was me. I pushed her to this place, until I messaged her friends. I can't get over that.

Today I played soccer, during the game I could not even focus, I look over to where she use to watch me, and I just felt so empty. People ask me if I am okay, people ask me ‘how are you and your girlfriend’, to which I have to say ‘we broke up’. Everywhere I go is a memory with her here, I try to go for runs, all I did with her was go on runs around my neighborhood. It’s gotten to the point where I have dreams of her messaging me or contacting me. I am officially, lower, than I ever thought I could go. I see a hot girl, and I think of her and think of guys hitting on her and checking her out, and then I think of how she is probably with another guy. Her friends uploaded a snapchat of a party and I am sure I saw her in the background with a guy. To which I deleted her friend.

I see my therapist Wednesday. She comes back in two weeks, five minutes down the road, and I have no idea how I will be able to handle myself. I feel bad for my family, my parents, I don’t see myself getting out of this, to be honest. Today was the first time I cried in a long time.

You asked for my thoughts, here they are:
I'm surprised that your dr would put you on something like that. Maybe n2 can talk more on why you'd be prescribed a depressant for, in all honesty, a depression from a 1 year relationship. Im not a dr, but I prob wouldnt have given you anything until after therapy. To n2, is this normal? Prescribing drugs before therapy so easily?

Then again, maybe the drugs arent bad...You have been this at this level before, and I dont know whats "worse" now. Same things..."worst day of my life"..."sad thoughts"...I just cant tell if its just you or the drugs.
I mean, when have you NOT sounded like this? All of this just sounds like the usual

Ok, now you're labelled as a psycho with her friends. I cant feel bad for you, sorry. You were told over 100 pages to leave...you stayed. Personally, I'm not the type of person to feel bad for people that are told repeatedly not to drive drunk then they wreck. Thats just me. So I cant really feel bad for someone who went on when he was told not to. Whatever you're feeling right now is your doing and its your shit to handle...because you CHOSE to continue from December.

I dont think anyone is really helping you. You're in the same place you would be if you never came here. All the meditation, all the new laptops, all the new goals...I'm just not seeing any real change, even the slightest if at this point you're still talking abt "it was my fault." You may think its the drugs but everyday you've spoken like this. Only YOU can get yourself out of this. And I dont think my words, or anyone else's has had even the slightest impact. Go send an email, go send 100 emails....do what you want. At least then you wont be planning it or debating it. And with her, or without her, its always the same shit. If someone tells you to approach 100 girls, you'll do so and still be sad because they remind you of her. If she takes you back, youll still be sad. If you met a great girl, you'd still be sad.

Skinny, please write your progress/updates here. Ive gotten a message from another poster that youve been asking his advice privately as well and I think youre just getting a bunch of advice from diffent posters privately to further confuse yourself. This is a disservice to the people trying to help you. Also, hiding details from others here is another disservice to those that can learn from this

To answer your question: Maybe, maybe not. But you're the one who has to pull yourself out of this or ride it through. Do I have hope for you? Honestly no, because I see the same shit for 6 years from you. Youve been doing this same pattern on this forum for 6 years. And 6 years ago, you didnt put yourself in a better place to NOT be here in 2016. I wouldve assumed that you would have handled all of this stuff 6 years ago after the first "this is the saddest day of my life " shit. I wouldve assumed you'd handle it a year later with the second one. And so on. Guys like you and bart need to stop looking for whether others believe in you and do it for yourself. Because neither of you have learned anything over half a decade. No one is gonna hold your hand after you chose an abuser and got so dependant on her. And maybe the 2 of you just dont have the fight in you like that. Thats tragic, but a true man would hear that and feel motivated to prove me wrong, not more depressed about what some guy on a forum thinks.

I don't know what to update, as I am getting worse. I do not sleep. I constantly think about her. I write messages I can possibly say to her and in the end send nothing. My family are worried about me. I can't hold a conversation at dinner. My mum tells me her heart breaks seeing me like this. I do nothing in the day, and know she is probably getting fucked as we speak. It makes me feel sick. All of this.

You're going in circles again. This thread is going to turn into the previous threads where you've said the exact same thing. Remember, you are on a PUA forum where we don't spend months talking about one girl breaking your heart. You are here and at this point you are demonstrating true insanity. As a person, I have sympathy for you but now it's becoming less and less because it's just who you are. You'll use your misery to take everyone down with you.

I'm done with the private message route as well. It obviously isn't helping.

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Whysoskinny, Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story, that's not the same as your other story?

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They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.