Hello all,

I wanted to share my first experience in which I approached a set after reading about pua's and having that new knowledge inside my head. And also I'd like to share the problem I seem to be having now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

If you want to know more about me, I posted in the "Introduce yourself" section recently. I don't really think everyone needs me to post all of my information here, after all.

Without further ado, my first field report:

(I was in a jazz bar, and had just finished playing trumpet on stage, so I was feeling good and my DHV's were high. As I packed up to leave, I noticed two guys sitting across from a blonde HB 8.5 or so. Guy 1 was across from HB, Guy 2 was next to him. There was an empty chair next to the HB. I didn't have any canned material; instead I went into the set with a few little goals in my head, i.e. talk to the guys more than the girl, figure out how to sit down without it being awkward, maybe throw in a neg or two, figure out and disarm the AMOG, etc. I had noticed that a fourth member of their group had left and they appeared to be looking for something.)

Me (behind and to the side of the girl, facing the guys): You guys need help finding something?

HB: Our friend lost her diamond earring. We think it might be at another bar we were at.

Me: Oh that's terrible. You sure it didn't get kicked or something?

Guy 2 (sounded a little drunk): Yeah we looked everywhere for it.

Me: Well hopefully you find it. (pause) So did you enjoy the music tonight?

All three said they did, Guy 2 tells me he wants to perform but doesn't play an instrument, HB asks where I went to school. I ignored the HB and talked to Guy 2.

Me: It's never to late to learn an instrument though man. You just gotta find someone to teach you. Then make yourself get up there.

Guy 1 (sounded sober): So where did you learn to play?

Me: Well, I studied music at... (tells story of undergrad, a few stories about playing in other countries and teaching around Indiana, some DHV's.)

HB: Wow! How old are you?

Me: 23

HB: You're so young! (found out she was late 20's later) How did you get so good?

Me: (At this point, I noticed a waitress coming by to clean up, and her only walkway was between me and the set, so I paused before speaking, trying to time an interruption):
Well, a lot of it has to do with...
(waitress crosses between us, I stop talking and act a little annoyed before using it as an excuse to sit down next to the HB, then continue casually)
...practicing and networking. If you can't do those two things, you're not getting anywhere as a musician.

(I noticed Guy 1 shift uncomfortably when I sat down next to the HB: I made a mental note of the AMOG and waited for opportunities to disarm)

(We all talked for a bit about different things, just casually, but I controlled the flow of conversation and talked a lot to the guys. I was getting light touches on my arm from the HB when she felt I was ignoring her. Then an opportunity arose.)

HB: So where did you go to school?

Guy 1: Don't you remember? He already told us this.

Me (immediate, gesturing to Guy 1): I KNEW there was a reason you were my favorite person at this table! You're the only one who listens to me!

HB: Hey!

(Two things occurred at once: One, the AMOG relaxed visibly and stopped watching me so carefully, and two, the HB wrapped her arms around my left arm, wanting validation as a favorite as well. It was a beautiful moment)

(We talked some more, casual conversation, and the HB said something was "retarded," but immediately said she "never uses that word." From my experience, the only people who make a point of saying this are teachers.)

Me: Hmm are you a teacher?

Guy 2: Here we go!

HB (staring in disbelief): How'd you know?

Me (Cold read based on her conversation and body language throughout the night): Let me guess, elementary school teacher?

All three lost it and started laughing in disbelief. The HB hung on me while laughing.

HB: I teach 4th grade. How did you know?

Me: You seem like you would be a good teacher.

(The HB was beaming)

(We chatted and joked around, all four of us, until they kicked us out of the bar. It felt like I had always been part of their group. When we got outside, we realized we were going in opposite directions, and the HB told me her name and asked for mine, then I hugged the HB real close, and went to shake hands with the AMOG and Guy 2)

HB (after hug, while I shook AMOG's hand): This is my husband, <name>.

Me (smiling): Nice to meet you.

(The AMOG looked pissed that I had hugged his HB wife right in front of him, but shook my hand)

(Guy 2 introduced himself and we parted ways. I kept steady eye contact with the HB as we parted, winking just for fun. She waved a small goodbye and I turned and walked away)

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I know I didn't get a close of any kind (unless there is a such thing as a hug close lol) but in looking back, I had a lot of control of the conversation and it was all because I used knowledge I had learned from reading about pua. I enjoyed the sensation a LOT, needless to say, and I wanted to get back into the field ASAP. Problem is, I went out with my buddies a few days later, and I found myself unable to approach. Without the feeling of having a high value established - which I got from playing trumpet in front of the first set - I felt a lot of approach anxiety. I ended up not approaching any women while my two awkward friends actually managed to talk to one set each. They both crashed and burned but they still APPROACHED. I went home pissed at myself and each time I have gone out, I seem to have a lot of problems approaching. I don't normally have low self-esteem, but I am thinking this could be some of that on a deeper level or something, I dunno. Since I had no problem approaching after my value was established. Anyway, I would appreciate any critiques, comments, or advice on anything I've said here. Thanks in advance!

-steep

The good news is that almost EVERYONE has that problem in the beginning. The bad news, is that unless your friends are into working on pickup with you as well, that you are going to need to find some new guys to head out with.

WHY?

Because working through this stuff all on your own is a really hard slog. Anything you do to work on your success with women will be easier and more effective if you have a group of supportive guys around you. So my first piece of advice would be to look her or on a local community forum for some active sargers in your area.

But more than that, treat fear of approaching women like any other irrational fear (otherwise known as a phobia). So fear of women = Venustrophobia.

So you can actually bite the bullet, and wind your interactions backwards to make them more simple and less intimidating. Start by doing lots of approaches simply asking for directions to SPAM's/Toilets etc. It sounds dumb, but you need to find the hardest type of approach, that's still easy enough that you wont' have to hesitate. Then you have to repeat over and over again, and incrementally increase the difficulty of that approach. So, you might go from asking for SPAM directions, to asking about where is good to go out in the area, which can turn into a short conversation about tastes in music. Then you might add to that interaction after a bunch of approaches, but starting to add in a qualifier like 'Actually you seem like a cool chick, my name is X, do you have a fun night planned?' and start an actual pickup etc.

Start easy and ramp your way up. BUT above all, be consistent with your approaches, so go as easy on yourself as you need to in order to have consistent approaches.

_________________
Damien D
Head Coach - The School of Attraction
The School of Attraction

Hey man thanks for the advice. I'll definitely try to find a group in the Dallas area or something and see if I can improve my game. What you said was really helpful, and I'll definitely work on conquering my fears and finding some buddies to go out sarging with me.

you answered yourself to the question and even saw it yourself. you say u playing the trumpet was a dhv the first night and not the second. yes it could be used as a dhv. but what it really helped was with your momentum. you could consider playing your instrument before going out (no pun intended) and remembering that night, or pretend that a crowd is applauding for you.

in less words you playing in the band that night was an affirmation for your self worth.

it wasnt your music that won you over with that group that night and made the husband see you as a threat. it was your calibration to the moment. your playing pumped you up. I would look at some kind of affirmation for momentum, as a muscian your constently being attentive to the melody which would make you one hell of a conversationalist

the downside to being a muscian if one note goes wrong the whole song is ruined focus on the notes you got right and realize them affirm them to your being:

1.affirmation
2.momentum
3.calibration
4.pissed husband lol

are you out alone? if so, i encourage you to find a cool wing you have a lot in common with. Somtimes if you cant push yourself, push eachother. and youll improve fast

Zirk, that's some good insight. I will try to think about that and improve my mentality based on the knowledge that it's not the music that makes me more likable, it's the confidence that comes from the feeling of dhv. Then I can work towards some dhv spikes that I can naturally put into effect either from a social or introspective standpoint.

Feather, I definitely need to find some people to go out with. Once I start my Master's program in the fall, I'll look around my school area and see if there are any guys wanting to go out sarging.