I reached into my closet early yesterday morning and found two archaic journals; a red one, used for writing down important PUA information; and a green one, my old field report journal. I read through my field reports, all of them taking place between 2008 and 2009, and usually during college. I saw a look at a bombastic and confident version of myself reading these reports. I enjoyed what I read (I've forgotten most of it), and was very impressed with all that I accomplished albeit I never got an F-close. I decided it was time to continue as I once did.

In those days I was concerned because I was fat. I thought I was ugly, but I worked right through that hang up. I decided yesterday, since I'll be going out after work I should go out for some old style day game and see how I do. I knew I'd be mad rusty, but I was excited to finally be ready to give myself to this study full time once again.

While I was reading my red book I got a glimpse of where I fell off. I had plenty of good material that I worked on internalizing, but after maybe ten posts I stopped writing things that I wanted to learn and began writing down my sticking points and flaws without focusing on how to fix them. I thought myself out of my advancements and made myself stale. With that in mind, I focus on recreating myself into the free and eager student I was a few years ago.

Might as well go today. I had a few hours to blow downtown before I meet my friends and see Bon Iver + Fleet Foxes. I walk downtown trying to find the library, really nice day. sunset, 92 degrees out, but not a single HB roaming the streets. Barely anyone was walking for that matter. Not until I walked toward the Library did I find a blond girl with a "Breakfast at Tiffany's" vibe in her blue dress hiding behind large sunglasses. She's walking my way, but at 20 yard in front of me she gives me a curt smile and dives left into a boutique. the moment she enters I realize....'I wasn't smiling'. I couldn't believe I forgot something so basic and important. I forgot to enjoy the day. I laughed at it; it was an epic fail, but still kind of funny. I was also happy to instantly recognize something for me to work on.

After I met my friend for Thai food we went over to the venue to see the show, and there they were. Hipsters of every shape and size flooded the sidewalk, all of them dressed to the 9s in counter-culture attire. It was loud, people were everywhere, I had no Idea how to approach. kind of upsetting in hindsight, but it got worse. After the show there was a girl standing still in the middle of the foot traffic. we locked eyes as I came close and said

"are you just standing here lost?" (remembering to smile ).

She replies "I'm just getting over all the emotions from the show"

I reply "yeah" and move on. *face palm*

FUCK! Talk about asking to be swept off her feet.

Whatever. I remind myself to give me time to grow. This isn't my last night out and the bar was low already. And above all, I had a ton of fun. for now I really want to focus on being content enough to smile easily, I suppose that's for the inner game thread. I also want to be intuitive about which steps I should take. I suppose I can use good ol' MM for that (haha). I'm certain now that I am ready to go forward studying Pick-up, and even though I'm not starting in a great place I know I will become even better than I wanted to be when I first began. All I need is time, and I have more than enough.

I'll be marching deliberately forward and peeling off the bad inner game as I go. All advice or comments are appreciated.

Godspeed You!
CH*